First Draft Horoscopes

Gemini

You’re cruising nicely along the river of life right now, in much the same way Burt Reynolds and his poker pals were white water suprema-swimming down the Cahulawassee River back inside the days of Nixon and live action Elvis sightings. So why dontcha just chill, dip your toes into the water that ain’t been touched by Scientologists and enjoy the ride? Because once the cosmic banjos come twanging, your ass ain’t got a chance of being saved. Even if it was wrapped in Kevlar by the Rock whilst he shouted out a Hail Mary in the voice of James Earl Jones.

Things are going well in just about every area of your life, for now. As in, right this very moment now. After which . . . you’re fucked in nine different languages with Dante supplying the cursive noose. Take pride in your accomplishments, and try like hell to look past the happy hour spirals in which you piss away every single one of ’em. Other people are eager to join you in celebration. Unfortunately, it’s at happy hour . . and yep, the spirals are included at some extra charge. So hey . . change your P.O. box number and it wouldn’t be the worst idea to change your address too. And while you’re at it, why not go all in with a name change and just cash out and move to Nicaragua. You can score a villa there for what you’re currently paying, out of pocket, for therapy.

Heroes Of The Week!

Swamp Thing

Poll Dancing- A lot of news outlets have the democrats winning the White House in 2020, while Trump rails against the fake results. But my question is this? Why in the blessed fuck are we already in training camp for an election that is sixteen months out? Don’t a lot of these candidates have the people’s work to be doing?

Twist of fate- Kevin Durant and Klay Thompson took the moment over money and in so doing, gave their team everything they had. Thompson kept his team in Game 6 with 30 points, before going out with an ACL tear. And Durant came back when he could have gone the business route. He scored 11 points in twelve minutes in Game 5 before injuring his Achilles, but his efforts got the Warriors one more game.

The North!- But the one more game went to the Raptors, who bring the Stanley Cup . . I mean NBA trophy home to Canada for the first time. Few gave them a chance to win before the playoffs began, and yet here they are. Dino-might!

The lovely Dale over at A Dalectable Life hit me with a triple shot of feel good this past week. While I lord over the darkness, good thing I got peeps like her to help me see the light once in a while.

Book It- William Kamkwamba grew up in the impoverished East African country of Malawi with the destiny of his ancestors staring him straight in the face. A teenage farmer, his family lacked the funds to send him to high school so he dropped out in his freshman year. Kamkwamba never accepted his fate. At 14 he was borrowing books from a lending library and he learned how to construct windmills in order to provide power and irrigation to his village. He graduated from Dartmouth in 2014 and now develops technology curriculum that will provide the continent with a better future.

Born Winner- Simon Cheprot of Kenya was in a fight to the finish line of a 10 K race in Nigeria when he spotted a fellow runner down mere feet from the end of the race. Rather than take advantage of Kenneth Kipkemoi’s unlucky turn, Cheprot helped him across the finish line. He lost the race as a result, but none of that mattered as much as helping a fellow runner, and human being. The race organizers were so inspired by Cheprot’s sportsmanship that they awarded him $15,000 for his efforts.

For Cheprot, it wasn’t about the money though. “Running is not war; running brings peace, unity, and friendship.” The dude is tops in the most important race of all; the human race.

Green thumbs up- When someone stole cauliflower from his garden one day, Johan Scott didn’t get mad . . he got proactive. The retired police officer from Heidelburg, South Africa didn’t take the theft as a personal affront; he saw it as evidence that his neighbors were going hungry. So he expanded his garden onto his pavement in order to help provide for those in need. He planted beans, tomatoes, eggplant and beetroot and he offers it up free of charge to those in need. When he might have given up, he gave back instead.

He shows up, daily- Big thanks to Susannah at athingirldotcom for chiming in on Jon Stewart’s impassioned speech before Congress this week. The former talk show host was in Washington to speak on behalf of the 9/11 first responders who are ailing or have passed as a result of their exposure to toxins at Ground Zero in the aftermath of the terror attacks. Stewart is a a 9/11 Memorial & Museum board member. He has been a tireless advocate and much needed voice for those who need it most. His testimony was in support of the “Never Forget the Heroes: Permanent Authorization of the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund Act, which was advanced unanimously by the House Judiciary Committee.

“(These heroes) brought our country back, … (and) gave a reeling nation a solid foundation to stand back upon.” Amen to that.

Hating on excellence- The U.S. women’s soccer team is coming under fire for running up the score against Thailand? Having played organized sports, albeit at a much lower level than the ladies, I will say this. While it’s humbling to get your ass kicked, it’s humiliating when the opposing team takes mercy on you. Leave the ladies alone.

Singing the Blues- The St. Louis Blues franchise is a year younger than I am, having started its business back in 1967. And from the get, they were making history. They reached the Stanley Cup finals in each of their first three seasons, a feat unmatched in any sport. And so what if they got blanked to the tune (pun intended) of 12-0? They had Scotty Bowman on the bench, and so there was gonna be plenty ‘mo where that came from.

And then Bowman became a legend, somewhere else. He forged a dynasty in Montreal before winning more hardware in stops that included Pittsburgh and Detroit. Meanwhile, the Blues stopped making it a habit of reaching the finals. This year, for the first time in half a century, the Blues finally made it back. And they were rewarded with a match-up against the heavily favored Bruins. And Blues fans had to be thinking, “Here we go again . .”. Especially after a lackluster Game 6 loss in St Louis that seemed to let the Bruins off the hook.

So the Blues shipped off to Boston to accept the silver medal, again. And then a funny thing happened, and the boys played the game of their lives when it mattered most. And then all those ghosts of lost seasons past didn’t matter at all as the buzzer sounded and it was certain that the Cup would be living in St Louis proper for the summer. The band Phish (from New England, oh by the way) was playing a gig when they got word the Blues had won. So they covered the Blues anthem song, Gloria by Laura Branigan. It’s a hockey thing, you have to understand.

The Blues always had the cool sweaters, and one of the best sports towns in the country. Now they have the Cup as well.

Sing us home, Laura.

 

The Spam Files (Case #4,217)

Spam

Attn:

The sum of $4.5 million. out of your over due total sum has been approved for payment through ATM cash card system after all attempts to pay you through bank, and diplomatic courier failed. The approved sum has been programmed into the ATM cash card which will be dispatched to you through your address upon reconfirmation. I have made several attempts to contact you and this is the 3rd and perhaps the last email to you in respect to this matter. Meanwhile, I received a power of attorney from one SUSAN GERRAD from USA purportedly issued by you asking us to change the fund beneficiary to his name hence we are seeking for your confirmation as soon as possible. to this end, you should Kindly Re-confirm these information to me.

(1) Your Full Names:-

(2) Address:-

(3) Your Phone Numbers:

NOTE: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is just $105 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort! Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because I am very sure of everything I am giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Regards,

Mr. Dave West

Dear Mr. West,

Where have you been all my life?

Firstly, I must apologize for not getting back to you guys sooner. Yeah . . I received your email about the 4.5 million and then promptly forgot all about it. It’s not that I couldn’t use the ching. It’s just that, I was in the middle of a YouTube marathon of worst skateboard accidents and you know how addictive that shit gets. I’m curious, by ‘diplomatic courier’ do you mean my UPS driver, who parks wherever the fuck he feels like parking without any concern for parking tickets?

Hold up, a 4.5 million dollar cash card? That sounds really fucking stressful. I mean, I freak out when I misplace my Whole Foods club card! How’s about you send me forty five hundred cash cards loaded at 100 k each? Or better yet, forty five thousand cash cards at 100 bucks each? I mean . . once I’m a millionaire, losing a hundred bucks will be like the Kardashians losing a husband, no big whoop.

As for your attempts to reach me? Have you tried calling me? Because to paraphrase my Queen Bee highness, the great Beyonce, if you got millions for me you better put a ring on it.

Let the record state that I have never met Susan Gerrad. Girl sounds very take charge though, so feel free to shave a hundy off my tote board for her, coo?

Imma hold off on giving you certain particulars- such as name and address- because I don’t know that I can trust you just yet. Nothing personal, you understand . . it’s strictly business. If you want said information, you’re gonna have to gain my trust. Like, send me your silliest pic. Share your favorite Waffle House story. And perhaps most importantly, how did you get into this line of work? Was it family? A need to give back? Did you aspire to be on a future episode of Dateline?

Now . . . as far as your Note. I happen to think $105 is an outrageous ATM fee. What are we, in Vegas? I mean . . of course there are no hidden fees. They’re pimping their propers for everyone to see, all brazen like. And again, it’s nothing personal . . but I ain’t down with the whole pay to play scene. Matter of fact, Imma let the late, great Michael Corleone sum it up . . in case you ain’t catching my wave.

 

Do me a solid and send me a month’s worth of Hello Fresh grub. I’m partial to the balsamic pork and the peppercorn steak, but if you go heavy on the carnitas I ain’t gonna protest. I anxiously await your response to my retrofitted arrangement. And thanks for trusting me with such a large sum of money. It means the world to me.

Best wishes,

Pierce Inverarity

Matters of Little Consequence

The following summer series is based on true events. It was inspired by the movie After Hours, a little known dark comedy out of the eighties in which the main character feasts on Murphy’s Law until the sun comes up.

The only thing that goes as planned is time. The rest is a cosmic jump ball.

December 31, 2009- I’ve been invited to a New Years party for the second year in a row, which is kind of like being hit by lightning and then donning a suit of armor in anticipation of the next storm. I say this because of my enigmatic nature. I give off the appearance of a social butterfly but parties make me anxious. I find them to be a random exercise in human behavior to which I’ve never been able to relate.

The only reason I’m going is because I’ve got an idea. It’s provocatively ambitious, sort of like a Hemi without brakes. Page one of the blueprint involves a slight reboot on the standard Martini made famous by old Blue Eyes. Because when venturing into dangerous territory, always have a drink in you. And when said territory involves a married woman, make it a good one.

The room is slanted towards the female persuasion. Still, I ain’t making any Sunday morning pancake plans just the same. I’m riding hard on a bet whose crimson locks would drape nicely over any part of me they wished to venture.

I sidle up to Jen, who’s nailing some woefully inebriated chap to his gold cross for having the audacity to make a pass at her. She’s the anomaly; the only woman who showed up without a pretty sidekick. That’s because her man is out of town, and her friend is the hostess. Oh yeah, and it’s also because the hostess is the one I have my sights set on. Jen possesses a morbid appreciation for car wrecks. And to be witness to the event as it’s taking place? Well that’s just bonus round.

“Making friends, I see . .” I smile as the drunk married guy gives up on her and moves to a ring of peach schnapps gigglers.

“He’s telling me all about his wife and then he asks me what I’m doing after this,” Jen smirks.

“Women are big on honesty, the old boy’s just aiming to please,”

“So are you really gonna do this?” Jen asks. Her eyes are twinkling with visions of fist fights and police calls.

“All systems go. Problemo?”

“Well, you show up to the scene of the crime . . a year later almost to the day. This time you come alone, with the intention of stealing the hostess . . .”

“Borrowing,”

“I’m sorry, I forgot how important the language is for you,”

“Stealing is bad form. It’s what high school boys do with Prom Queens. They chase, steal and score. Whereas an experienced rodeo hand pursues, borrows and makes breakfast,”

“Yeah, awesome. But it seems your expedition is based entirely on assumption,”

“Please explain,”

“You’re assuming that when she dropped the ‘we should get drinks sometime‘ line in your lap, it meant something,”

“It’s called due diligence. And besides, a married woman feeds me that line, she ain’t planning on baking cookies with it,”

“She could be a tease,”

“I’ve considered that. But when Cleopatra bats her eyelashes in your direction, you jump first and ask the pertinent questions later,”

“Remind me again why you’re still single?” Jen laughs.

“Because I tried coupling. I’ve tried it my whole life, in fact.”

“Chicago girl was a bad idea,” Jen says.

As far as understatements go, this is a platinum mantle piece. The context is that she was a brilliant writer, a former model and a trust fund brat who had legs like catamarans. From the get, she was handing out more red flags than a member of the Soviet Komsomol, but I was blinded by the science.

It’s been three months since the worst breakup of my life and it’s as if the universe talked me into coming here tonight. As if the stars wrote up this destiny whilst sipping on moonshine and listening to Johnny Cash. But I’ve got nothing to lose and that ain’t helping matters.

Time’s gonna do its business, with or without me.

 

 

 

 

 

Heroes Of The Week!

Super Woman

Fandumb- Sports fans have a hard time staying in their lane but Warriors minority owner Mark Stevens took this hubris to another level Wednesday night when he shoved the Raptors Kyle Lowry after the point guard fell out of bounds. Stevens was kicked out for his actions and is not welcome for the remainder of the NBA Finals. Here’s hoping the Warriors don’t stop there. Stevens should be forced to sell his share of the club because there’s no room for his antics.

What a ride!- Lemuel Buster is a volleyball referee at Paulding County Parks and Recreation Department in Paulding County, Georgia. The dude is so committed to the kids he works with that after his car’s transmission went to the great beyond, he rented a car so he wouldn’t miss a game. A collection was taken up, after which Buster was presented with a Chrysler Sebring convertible and $2,000 in gift card donations. You really do get what you give.

NFL boss bullies Buffalo- When NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell talks about how the Bills need a new stadium to remain ‘competitive’, that’s what he’s doing. He’s pricing out a town that sits on the poverty line. He wants to bring his corporate (expensive) visions to a blue collar town, even if they can’t afford it. That is shameful.

YouTube find of the week #1- Kenneth Copeland is proof positive there is a hereafter. Because this creep is a demon, first class. He proves it, again, in this video.

Cheap Shit King strikes again!- Walmart lost the two tier graduation cake Marsy Flores ordered for her daughter, so they had her pick out a cake of her choice- free of charge- and they decorated it. Fast forward to the graduation party when the proud mama sliced into . . . Styrofoam. Because they gave her a fucking display cake. Low prices ain’t worth this kind of stupid.

Home (Depot) is where the heart is- Two year old Logan Moore has a condition called hypotonia which affects muscle tone and stability. As a result of this, he is unable to walk on his own and the insurance process to get Logan a walker is tedious. So his mom Christian took him to Home Depot recently in search of materials with which to make their own. Once the peeps knew the deal, they helped her find everything and then the manager sent her family out for ice cream. When they returned, Logan had a walker made from PVC piping. Gratis. That’s how you make the world a home.

Justice? Or just this?- Former Sheriff’s Deputy Scot Peterson deserved to be fired. The resource officer failed the students and faculty at Marjory Douglas Stoneman High School, where 17 lives were taken last year. But the 11 criminal charges lodged against him is unprecedented and I wonder if it sticks or if this is just for show. Was it so we’ll stop asking why school administrators didn’t heed all the warning signs, or why the FBI didn’t do any followup on Nikolas Cruz before that fateful day? I’m not defending Peterson by any means. But this feels like subterfuge.

YouTube find of the week #2- Wait, hold up . . these dudes stole my moves!

Experts in Bullshitology- The NBA finals is proving (once again) that sports analysts are nothing more than overpaid guesswork artists. I’ve watched three prominent voices change their predictions twice already . . and they’ve only played three games!

Back to the Bat Cave! Again?!- Maybe Robert Pattinson ends up being the actor who does for Batman what Heath Ledger did for the Joker. But hells . . can’t all these brilliant minds at DC let the Bat Man chill for a while?

Special Delivery- Saturday was always a special day for the Creans and their dog Casey. It was package day for the couple, and Josh the Fed Ex driver never forgot to include Casey in the festivities, leaving a treat on top of the box each time. Casey’s passing in April hit her owners, and Josh, hard. So he took it upon himself to gift the Creans a paw print memorial to put in their garden. For some it might be a job, but not this dude.

YouTube find of the week #3- The Boss of 10 Downing Street is Larry the Cat. That’s wassup.

Imma wrap this week’s installment in a baseball doubleheader of sorts, and special thanks to Frank at A Frank Angle for the righteous pitch. The dude is an ace when it comes to great stories.

Last week the nation gave thanks to the uniforms who keeps us safe every day whilst paying homage to those who made the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country. And if baseball gets anything right, it’s in recognizing the real heroes.

At Yankee Stadium, the home team honored 104 year old WWII veteran Luis Forte during the seventh inning of their game against the San Diego Padres. Forte’s life had come full circle inside that special moment as he talked about plucking down twenty five cents for a bleacher seat as a young boy. In 1942, as a member of the U.S. Army Air Corps, Forte was plunged into the theater of battle in Europe. He calls himself one of the lucky ones, having lost a lot of friends during his four years served.

Army Captain Michael Medders is one of those who never made it home. In 2008, Medders was killed when a suicide bomber detonated his vest during an operation in Baqubah, Iraq. The former All Ohio defensive lineman for Bowling Green State University climbed the military ranks quickly and made an impression on every life he touched.

It’s why Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona wore a patch with Medder’s name on it last week. “He was a football player, sang in the choir,” said Francona ,”One of those all-around kids.” Yes . . . a kid. Because it’s important to remember that twenty five years was all he got to live. We can’t forget that.

We just can’t.