sorryless

The New England Invitational Turns LII

Sorryless79 Comments

Minny 2018

I can’t believe it’s Super Sunday already. It feels like only yesterday that I was putting together my fantasy league team whilst under the illusion my Dolphins had a chance to see January . . . if only for sixty minutes.

The Patriots are making their annual trip, preparing to take on yet another bird. Last year’s Falcons replaced 2015’s Seahawks who have been unseated by this year’s Eagles. Soooo, Cardinals fans might want to book their Atlanta trip for next year’s Super Bowl before Patriots fans grab up all the best tickets.

The good news for Eagles fans is that Tom Brady will eventually succumb to Father Time. The bad news is, it ain’t happening soon enough. And if you happen to be one of those peeps who is suffering from Patriots fatigue, well . . .there’s always baseball!

A top 5.2 thoughts before I get to my Super prediction? Sure . . .

#1- Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Alshon Jeffery said this: 

“Ain’t no ‘if,’ man. When we win on Sunday, ain’t no telling what we’re going to do,” Jeffery said. “But we’re probably going to celebrate, have some fun.”

New England quarterback Tom Brady thought this: 

Umm,Alshon? Don’t poke the bear.

2- The Eagles insist they are getting no respect. 

What I hear when the Eagles rail on about the lack of respect people are showing to a 13-3 Super Bowl team . . .

3- Justin Timberlake will perform at this year’s halftime show. It will be his first appearance since the infamous “Nipplegate” episode with Janet Jackson. 

What everyone watching will see as they watch this year’s halftime show. 

 

Okay, I just had to sneak that video in because it’s fucking hilarious. No kids, the correct answer is Nipples for a thousand, Alex! 

4- The Eagles have a bevy of big deal fans rooting them on at this year’s game. From the Angels Mike Trout to actor Bradley Cooper. Ya got Will Smith, Carl Lewis, Kevin Bacon, Sylvester Stallone, Tina Fey, Tara Reid, Pink, Bob Saget, Kevin Hart, Carrot Top, Dr Oz, Jake Tapper, Questlove, Sofia Vergara, Charles Barkley and former Vice President Joe Biden. 

The Patriots have Giselle. 

Advantage Patriots. 

5- Vegas books reported a multi-million dollar wager was laid on the underdog Eagles. This elicited a conversation with a pal of mine that went something like this.

Okay . . . that was verbatim. 

As far as my .2 thought on today’s game? I won’t be watching the halftime show unless Janet Jackson shows up. And since that doesn’t seem likely, Imma go ahead and tell ‘yall what’s going to happen in Super LII, so there really is no point in even watching . . .

In the first half, absolutely nothing happens.

The halftime show proves to be a nipple free affair, but NBC puts a thirty minute delay in place just in case. The time lapse plays havoc on television viewers, and Fox News erroneously calls the game for the Patriots as a result. The Russians deny any involvement in the snafu.

Sommee Cards Super Bowl

The third quarter is when things really start cooking. Nick Foles pulls the Statue of Liberty play on the Pats and Jay Ajayi takes it eighty yards to the house to open the scoring. From there, the Eagles score thirty five unanswered points. They head to the fourth quarter with a 38-3 lead. In spite of this, Pats coach Bill Belichick is overheard saying “We have ’em right where we want ’em!”

In the fourth quarter, the Patriots stage a historic comeback (yep, again) and tie the score at 45 with just under two minutes to go. Tom Brady tosses six touchdown passes, including a Hail Mary to himself. Rob Gronkowski leaves the game with concussion symptoms after Brady slaps his helmet with his 283 diamond Super Bowl ring during a touchdown celebration.

Nick Foles and the Eagles take over at their own five yard line with a minute and a half remaining. A false start by Philadelphia moves them back to the goal line and three incomplete passes later, they are staring down the barrel of a fourth down and forever. Coach Doug Pederson sticks to the script that got him here by deciding to go for it. It seems that only a miracle can save the Eagles now. Or gravity . . .

On fourth down, Foles drops back into the end zone and flings the ball straight up into the air. Upon returning to earth, the ball is deflected by several players before falling into the arms of Eagles wide receiver Nelson Agholor, who picks up the first down by half a yard. The play is dubbed “The Isaac Newton” and it revs the green engine as Philadelphia marches down the field and with twelve seconds left, the Eagles have a first and goal at the Patriots nine yard line, Pederson inexplicably decides to leave his field goal kicker on the sidelines rather than have him attempt the Super Bowl winning field goal. As he would later explain, “I don’t trust Jake Elliot unless it’s from fifty yards out,”.

After a play action pass sails out of bounds, there’s time for one more play into the end zone. Against a heavy New England pass rush, Nick Foles finds Zach Ertz for what appears to be the game winning touchdown with one second left. But referees convene and the play comes under review to determine if Ertz did in fact make the catch.

Announcers Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth debate what constitutes a catch.

Michaels: It’s when the catch is conceived! 

Collinsworth: No! It’s when the football is physically visible! 

Sideline reporter Michele Tafoya suggests that if the NFL cannot decide what constitutes a catch, the Supreme Court should step in. She then uses several replays that show Ertz juggling the football, proving that he did not make the catch. Her argument is eerily reminiscent of the JFK investigation.

Tafoya: As you can see Ertz enter the turn, the ball snaps back . . and to the left. See it guys? Back . . and to the left. Back . . and to the left . . Back . . and to the left. 

The instant replay review drags on for more than an hour, allowing NBC to air two episodes of Will and Grace. Despite the sitcom’s popularity, viewership plummets since there’s no Tom Brady to root/hate on. In response to the deflated numbers, Commissioner Goodell tells Brady not to leave town.

When they finally come to a conclusion, Head Referee Gene Steratore tweets out their decision before making the announcement . . . Touchdown! The Eagles celebrate for several minutes, drawing one penalty another until Coach Pederson feels comfortable enough to let his placekicker attempt a sixty yard extra point, which he nails as time expires.

Final Score: Eagles 52- Patriots 45

The front page headlines of the Philadelphia Inquirer say it all. Ertz So Good! Bud Light follows through on its promise to buy beer for the entire city of Philadelphia, and the City of Brotherly Love is transformed into a real life version of The Purge. After the game, Tom Brady announces his retirement and signs with the Cleveland Browns. Coach Bill Belichick decides to follow his dream and become a fashion designer. Patriots owner Bob Kraft begins drawing up plans to turn Gillette Stadium into a strip mall.

As for the champs, Nick Foles signs on with Fox/Paramount to star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot. Fletcher Cox apologizes for his team’s poor defensive performance by donating his winner’s share to the charitable organization Free Melania, and Carson Wentz sues a Nevada town and wins the rights to “Carson City”, after which he guarantees the Eagles will repeat as champions.

The NFL scores record ratings despite all those peeps who insist they’re boycotting the sport forever. Commissioner Goodell announces he will step down at the end of his current contract to become the wealthiest Buddhist monk, ever. Giselle Bundchen lambastes the NFL as nothing more than  “a primitive blood sport that thrives on violence and crooked decision makers,” before revealing that she is buying the Miami Dolphins because “they have beautiful uniforms and they don’t hit anyone,”.

Richard Branson wins the rights to host Super Bowl 60 on the moon, and construction begins on a 100,000 seat bio-dome. When a reporter criticizes the locale by asking where fans will spend the weekend leading up to the big game, Branson snarkily replies.

“Uranus.”

 

 

79 thoughts on “The New England Invitational Turns LII”

  1. “But I am sooooporting the eeeeeeeegles,” Sophia V. Says. “And I, too, cooood beee a sooooooper mauuuudel.”

    I’ll just be happy when it’s over so the local news will stop letting eagles fans spell the only word they know over and over…

    *tweeeeeeeeet* personal foul. Unnecessary snark. 3-hour penalty. Tara must watch the game now. Repeat 1st down.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This was quite entertaining! I laughed. I’m not much of a sports fan… and I know people are sick of the Patriots winning, but they do have a tendency to win games… it happens. And when they do, I get discounted coffee. So that’s a win for me. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Heh, heh, not to rain on the NFL bowl but I’m more into Puppy Bowl XIV because of #12. I like their teams better Pup-triots & B-eagles. If I have to see one more pout of Mrs. #12 or a sad face by him, I just may totally lose my…well…you know. 😇

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi – well I am here post game – so we know the results.
    and yeah baby.
    but I had to say that I loved the way you played with the avian theme in the opening..
    the waffles video – omg
    and the jeopardy football flop-
    thanks for all these many takeaways….
    ___
    and side note- Giselle? um – no – that does not make anything equal – I am half teasing here – but I think it was during the Olympics or a big soccer match when she was a guest there – had to do with Brazil her home country (me thinks) and she merely walked across the arena.
    spotlight – like prom queen
    and cheers came out.
    that was it.
    and great, beauty is paid well in this world – but to have her merely walk across the fllor and get applauded – ??? um, still shaking my head.
    and not to diss her great looks – but dang, the ladies movement needs to fight for helping everyone know there is so much more to women than outer looks….
    I digress….

    Liked by 2 people

    • Prior,

      You tell ’em!

      First the game. WOW! Yep, I had Nick Foles outdueling Tom Brady at the end . . . haha.

      The little waffle girl is hilarious. And that Jeopardy spill? Who knew Alex Trebek was that funny?

      As for Giselle, it’s all tongue and cheek. She possesses the looks that everyone insists are NOT important, and yet too many people (as you correctly stated) are willing to pay well in both money, notoriety and attention for those looks.

      It’s a lesson that girls, and too many women for that matter, should not be trying to replicate. Because beauty and bodies, they fade.

      So I digress right along with you. To a much more important topic than (GASP!) the Super Bowl.

      Peace

      Liked by 1 person

      • thanks for the reply – and I am still irritated at the way Giselle just walked across the arena that day.

        we were with a few teens at the time (it was a while ago) and even they were like “Is that all time Brady’s wife is going to do? Why didn’t she say anything?”
        __
        __
        and go Eagles
        whew – no disrespect to any Patriot fans, but dang, time for a change so cheers to Phillie fans everywhere

        Liked by 1 person

        • Giselle really grinds your gears. It sucks to know she acts that way. I really liked her after the Giants beat the Pats in the super bowl a few years back. Some wiseass Giants fans were giving Brady shit as they were leaving and she ripped them a new one.
          Yes…It is about time for those long suffering fans.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Nice alliteration on the G there…
            and I think she was classy after this win – was sipping wine early on – but I think they all kept it respectable – don’t you?

            and was sitting in the sauna (it is a co-ed one) earlier and these two guys were going on and on and on about the game.
            I finally chimed in near the end of my session…
            “A change was needed and congrats to Eagles fans everywhere…”
            I said something like that – kinda loud – ha – not sure where it came from – and omg sorryless, everyone in there (it was the crowded hour of 6:30 pm ) chimed in and were like “yeah…” and “true that”

            and then folks asked team prefs and I told them my Dan Marino joke….

            Liked by 1 person

          • You liked the alliteration? Hahaha! Hey, it just fit, so I had to.

            It’s quite evident, based on your sauna experience that you got some South Philly in ya. Yo Adrian!!!

            And wait one Miami minute, you have a Dan Marino joke?

            Liked by 1 person

          • well not really – and if I do it is just for fun – kinda my style I guess – but I can be formal too – and
            glad you asked about the dan marino joke (and think I baited ya with it…) but love that “wait one Miami minute” (humor flows naturally from you…)

            and so here goes – I apologize for the language –

            but I grew up in Buffalo when Dan Marino was in his prime playing years – and being in Buffalo NY those early years – the Bills always lost to the Dolphins and so we all thought his name was
            Dan Fuckin’ Marino
            – well on Sundays with another loss

            Liked by 1 person

          • That’s my man right there. Dan Marino. And I take no offense to the name those Buffalo peeps gave him. I rather like it, because ain’t nobody cursing Mark Sanchez . . . except maybe his teammates.

            Liked by 1 person

          • that’s right my friend – and I actually like dan marino a lot – as an announcer and as a player who whipped up on Buffalo (after a first loss meeting) – and I actually wish he got the ring – kind of not fair

            Liked by 1 person

          • I was listening to a sports talk radio show this evening and the Bills came up. As in, what’s better? To be 0-4 in the Super Bowl or to never have gone? Because there are knuckleheads who were suggesting that the Patriots were better off losing in the conference title game than losing in the Super Bowl. Their take is, it was better for Brady and Coach B to be 5-2 all time in the big game than 5-3. And I just couldn’t stop shaking my head. It just goes to prove that most humans can’t afford the brain they’re given.
            As for the Bills four straight trips to the Super Bowl? Still one of the most impressive sporting accomplishments, in my opinion. Some peeps would call it abject failure but those peeps never played the game.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I fully agree – better to make it to the big game – all the way!
            and when the sting settles – hopefully the Patriots and their fans will have that to savor – and they played a decent game (from what i saw – cos I was coming and going and it was not a superbowl party year for us this time around)
            and with the Buffalo losses- I lived away those years – but was home visiting at times and the pain was very real; the loss is felt even more with such big games – but poor Scotty Norwood.
            —
            I got my first official Bills jersey this year – an xmas gift and it is one that fits (not the tentmaker size) and not the girly pink (hate those) but I guess they sell these “norwood” jerseys where the name is “off to the side” and goes down the shoulder.
            Losses should never come down to a missed field goal – but sucks when it happens twice –

            Liked by 1 person

          • I can cull the Buffalo from your language, as per your reference of “Scotty”. I dig that.
            And yes, poor guy. It doesn’t seem fair that when a FG kicker makes the game winner, all the other guys are celebrated but when he misses one, he is reviled.
            Ahh, that is clevah!

            Liked by 1 person

          • well people say my accent sounds like I am from Wisconsin – not necessarily the Buffalo (WNY) accent – but if you ever hear Gronk (from patriots) talk – that is what a lot of Buffalonians sound like. I am glad I have the wisconsin take on it – whatever the heck that is

            Liked by 1 person

          • well I think they only block in a post – you might be able to view it on youtube directly –
            but I guess you do not because you know the game –
            🙂
            and funny to see the name “Houston Oilers” – wow times change

            Liked by 1 person

          • I know very little of that…
            but glad we beat them that day – such a fun memory –
            and enjoyed comment sharing here – and hope u have a great rest of your week

            Liked by 1 person

          • 🙂
            indeed – and I was kidding about the sniffles-
            but was speaking for many who have stuck with that team through it all.
            I am more of a half fan – I can leave with two minutes left in a game – ha

            Like

  6. Now I’m reading after the game. I only saw a little … such as the first quarter and the last two minutes .. we went to the airport to pickup a family member … much, much later than scheduled due to weather) … which also means we didn’t see halftime. But from what little I know, your ending (although with the other team) almost happened.

    Loved the way you incorporated the videos … good ones! … and congrats on picking the winner!

    Liked by 1 person

    • And the score almost happened too! lol

      I did call the Zach Ertz game winning touchdown that was reviewed to see whether it was a TD. As far as I’m concerned, the only part of that prediction that’s cool is that I got Ertz right. Because it seems EVERY catch is reviewed in today’s game. They have to do something about that, because it sucks. A catch is a catch, period.

      Happy for the Eagles, but I do have a conspiracy theory- a far fetched one. That Coach Belichick wasn’t totally upset with the outcome because he’s at war with Bob Kraft. Sitting Butler out when he definitely could have been the difference in that game? Hmmmm.

      Liked by 1 person

        • Frank,

          So true. For my next prediction, I’m saying the HC of the Patriots does not return next season.

          And if we didn’t already have Gase- who I personally love- I would be starting a Go Fund Me page with a lot of Dolphins fans to bring him to Miami.

          Winning games would simply be bonus. I would just be thrilled to have him on our side . . . 🙂

          Like

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