The following prompt is working in the vein of the old “I’m rubber, you’re glue . .” riposte. This chummy challenge was created by those two mistresses of mayhem- Dale of A Dalectable Life and Karen of Table for One.
Do not ask me how these ladies come up with the craziness. But I’ll try ‘me best to keep up with ’em. This here is ALL dialogue, because I’m tinkering some. So welcome, to my warped mind . . .
“But . . ”
“Nothing. Rachel is really great. No addendum . . ” Billy said, as he put his phone on speaker so he could grab a beer from the fridge.
“If you say so. Where’d you guys go?” Andrea asked while doing her nails and sipping on Shiraz.
“Oh, the new place downtown, cool! Whatcha have?”
“Octopus, and a pie . . the Palermo. Rustic, tasty and pricey as all fuck,”
“Smart, first date, communal dishes . . I taught you well. What was her drink?”
“Lemon, she doesn’t drink alcohol,”
“Oh no, no . . no . . no . . no . .no!”
“It’s fine, I don’t need a drinking partner. I have you,”
“She doesn’t drink because she has a medical condition, I hope,”
“Andy, slow your roll to the fiery pits girl!”
“So her not drinking alcohol is a personal preference? Like . . for funzies?”
“Yeah, and I dig that,”
“Oh please Billy! Do I have to remind you of your theory on women who smoke cigarettes?”
“Because that happens to be true, Andy. A woman who smokes possesses a natural oral fixation . . hence, there is a greater likelihood she’s got the freak gene. It’s a scientific fact, don’t mess with the science . .”
“Far be it from me to dispute your One Eye Science Guy thesis . . .”
“Alcohol is different. And besides, she doesn’t care if I drink . .”
“What are you saying?”
“She’s a woman, and these things are subject to change. Like, the minute things get serious,”
“Anyway . .”
“What?! You guys had sex on the first date? Really?!” Andrea squealed.
“How did you jump there?”
“Your tone, it was measured. And you segued much too easily . . you chose a stand alone qualifier, which is a dead giveaway,”
“It’s amazing how a penis stunts our thought processes . . but a vagina, it comes with a library . . ” Billy laughed.
“Don’t be bitter. Sooo, how was it?”
“Oh my God, I’m sorry hon,”
“Good sex is like a spork . . it’ll get the job done but you’re not going to invest in place settings . .”
“She has an allergy to rubbers,”
“Oh, girl ain’t down with the latex delivery method, huh?”
“It’s not funny, Andy . . .”
“No you’re right . . it’s hilarious!”
“You’re a bitch, you know that?”
“That’s what my mother says, every day in fact,”
“The worst part is, she referred to her allergic reaction to condoms as a rubber allergy.”
“Well that’s silly . . I mean, not all condoms are created equal,” Andrea said.
“I know . . ”
“So she’s either ditzy or depraved . . which means there is a chance for you two after all!”
“I really don’t think she knew . . .”
“How old is this Rachel chick?”
“You think I should cut my losses . . .” Billy said.
“I didn’t say anything,”
“You sure as hell did. Your hmmmm is equivalent to the nuclear option . .”
“Oh hell no, I won’t be the judge and jury to this love gone wrong. It’s all you Billy boy!” Andrea giggled as she poured herself a second glass of Shiraz and checked her Netflix queue for romantic comedies and horror flicks. It was same difference as far as her jaded self was concerned.
“Well, thank you for your pennies on the dollar romantic advice, Andy . .”
“De nada, homie. Oh way, way . . WAIT! So . . what did, you guys end up doing?”
“Instead of sex we went out and robbed a liquor store. Had to take out the owner, but we got away with a shopping cart full of shit and sixty seven dollars,”
“You’re such a child,” Andrea snorted.
“We umm . . ”
“No you didn’t. Billy tell me you didn’t!”
“You did the pulling out thing?”
“And so what if I did? . . .”
“Pulling out is not an exit strategy unless you’re a soldier in the middle east . . that’s what,”
“What was I supposed to do? Go to the twenty four hour vasectomy clinic?”
“You could’ve knocked over a liquor store for reals . . that would’ve been smarter . . .”
“You’re being dramatic,” Billy laughed.
“Okay, pro tip. Don’t call a woman dramatic when she’s drinking wine. It’s never a good idea, but even less so in my present state. Because these happy grapes turn quick-a-lee when their mellow is harshed in the slightest . . .”
“Withdrawal is not my preferred method, but when in Rome, yanno?”
“Listen Caligula, I’m just saying. If you two plan on moving this thing forward, you gotta tighten things up.”
“Slam, bam . . I’d like to make a withdrawal ‘maam!” Andrea giggled.
“Oh Bill . . I don’t mean to be a nudge, baby . . daddy!” She laughed.
“When are you seeing her again? In nine months?”
“It’s amazing you’re still single, woman . .”
“Do you think I’d get a reaction from her if I told her I was rubber and she was glue?” Andrea guffawed.