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The Twinkies Post (Fat Free, Sticky Sweet!)

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Twinkies

In an uncertain world, where Starbucks coffee comes with cancer warning labels and bottled water is hazardous to your health, it’s nice to know that some things never change. Eat enough Twinkies, you’re gonna die. Same as it’s ever been. Why do you think Tallahassee crushed so hard on them in the movie Zombieland? Because he knew he had nothing to lose. It’s quite simple, really. When you come to the end of the sidewalk, choose the thing that will kill you and at least you’ll die happy.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank a few WordPress peeps before sharing my Easter night festivities. Tails Around the Ranch supported the idea of a peanut butter and honey drizzle Twinkie, to which I tried my hand at. A Frank Angle inspired me with tales of Twinkie-ology at the Iowa State Fair. And A Dalectable Life was so repulsed by the thought of a Twinkie, that I had to share my exploits with her. She could (and should) have her own cooking show, and as such, can be . . . how do I say this politely? A bit of a food snob . .

So on Easter night, me and my daughter decided to provide a reboot to the Twinkies franchise. Because if Spider Man and The Hulk can come up with another forgettable flick every twelve minutes . . why not bring our smack take to the golden snack cake?

Zombieland

We were well aware of the risks. After all, the re-writing of history is a tempestuous undertaking, rife with pitfalls and purists, critics and crooks. And Twinkies, well . . they have a history with us Americans. First produced in an Illinois bakery in 1930 as a means of using shortbread pans that had become obsolete, the snack cake was an instant hit. Interestingly, the original filling for Twinkies was banana creme but during World War II, banana imports dried up, so the company moved to vanilla filling and never looked back- save for the occasional tinker and trial every now and again.

Now, I’m not a huge Twinkies fan, excepting for a momentary lapse of reason several years back when Hostess pulled them from the shelves and I found myself wanting back into a relationship I never was totally committed to in the first place.

When Twinkies came back less than a year later, I was in love. For about thirty seven seconds- which is the average amount of time it takes to eat one of these spongy snack treats. I dropped them for good after that, but every now and again . . I get the craving.

We transformed a handful of the creamy yellow drumsticks into a comedic fusion of sweet entanglements. Good thing for us that pimping Twinkies happens to be a legal enterprise in all fifty states (It’s actually mandatory in Oregon and Colorado . . for some . . reason).

Completely Different

We re-purposed three Twinkies, and the results? Not horrible.

Peanut Butter and Jelly: Admittedly, not the most inspired of choices. But here’s the thing, PB&J in a sponge cake sounds pretty good. And it was tasty . . enough. But it did fall short of my expectations, which were much too lofty to begin with. I mean . . it’s a fucking Twinkie!

Peanut Butter with Honey Drizzle: The peanut butter was just, good. The honey drizzle was tasty because honey drizzled on just about anything is gonna be tasty. It was another okay combination.

Dark Chocolate: We stuffed Twinkies with some dark chocolate we purchased at a local candy maker. This was the tastiest of the cake test dummies. The dark chocolate really made the sponge cake worth it; sort of the way Cher once made Sonny look halfway cool back in the day.

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So of the three transformations, the dark chocolate stuffed Twinkies won the night. If this would have been an Olympic sport, the American judge would’ve given the dark chocolate Twinkies a 9, the Swedish judge a 7.5 and the Russian judge would’ve withheld his vote until we paid him.

But Wait, There's More!

Wait . . you thought I was gonna leave you with that? Nah. There’s no way I was putting “The Twinkies Post” in lights unless I had a closing shot that proved worthy. Because I never would have been able to forgive myself; not as a second rate baker and most certainly not as a proud ‘Murican.

For our last entry, we went and did it. We deep fried a couple of these fuckers and that’s when things went Amadeus. Because a deep fried Twinkie is not a Twinkie . . whatsoever. Something magical happens when the hot oil bathes these battered beauties and changes the molecular structure. It’s a funky baptismal effect that transforms the snack cake from a just okay midnight snack to five star cuisine. And maybe I’m adding a couple tablespoons of hyperbole here, but I ain’t lying either.

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So dark chocolate Twinkies won the battle of the alternate fillings while the deep fried won Best in Show. And I didn’t wake up on Monday morning feeling like an anchor nestled at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Which is called a win in my book. I buried the rest of the Twinkies in the backyard and I made the kids swear an oath that if they felt the craving for deep fried Twinkies again anytime soon, that they would consider drugs instead.

Of course . . this doesn’t mean there won’t be a Twinkies sequel at some future point in time. Because I’m thinking about marrying a few of my favorite candy bars to the spongy cream filled snacks and seeing how that works out.

I like to think Tallahassee would have been proud of us for exercising our God given right to shameless indulgences. Because why wait for the end of the world to partake when Urgent Care is available at three in the morning?

Enjoy the little things . . .

 

 

80 thoughts on “The Twinkies Post (Fat Free, Sticky Sweet!)”

  1. I will be honest and say I have never tried twinkies but kudos for experimentation and risking lufe and limb in the process

    Liked by 1 person

    • Deb,

      It was a labor of love. We understood the risks going on, but gosh darnit . . we were gonna see this through . . in the name of science! 🙂

      Thanks for the chime!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dearest BH,

    Where to start? Great choice of video to accompany this sicky-sweet post.

    You calling me a food snob? Whaaaa! I like how you stroke my ego whilst stabbing me at the same time… nice. I can and do let my hair down for some bad-for-you grub on occasion. Really. I do!

    Love the Cher part! Ok. You know it. I just did your writi g style and this was a fun one. For realz.

    Twinkies, love and defibrillators,

    BW

    Liked by 3 people

    • Cory,

      Every now and then. And it’s funny because now I have several of these left and nobody in the house is a fan really. Good thing they last forever!

      Like

    • Karen,

      But . . but . . it’s art, and as such there is a great deal of subjectivity. Okay . . yeah, it’s disgusting. But I tell you, that deep fried Twinkie . . I was sold on it. Not that I have to do that again for a while, though.
      Thanks to the Land of Lincoln for sooo many great foods . . . even if Twinkies ain’t on that list. I was always partial to Ding Dongs when I was a kid.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Funny that song came crashing into my head as soon as I saw the title. Not so funny, I think Twinkies are totally disgusting, always have. And I’m not even gonna sugar coat that… or fry it… 😉 At least my tests foods for my posts are healthy hahaha 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. How and the hell did I miss this fabulous post???? WTF quantity squared! Meanwhile, I’ll propose the following … a deep fried Twinkie dipped in chocolate and infused with a liqueur as Gran Marnier.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Somehow I missed this gem. Gwad, a chocolate stuffed Twinky. Never thought of that. Ever. Those deep fried Twinkies have been on the Texas menus for years. Gotta try one hot out of the frier with a scoop of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream.( in a bowl of course.) Chase it with a Willitt.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. First time I heard about deep fried oreo from a friend, I was like, “what is that thing??!!!!” then I googled it, and I was really really scared, I might have liked more than I wanted to admit if I’ve ever tried. New food inventions sometimes really scare me. Your post is pretty cool though!

    Liked by 1 person

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