Mostly Fearless NFL Predictions!

Ref Punch

I decided not to play fantasy football this season, because I don’t feel like cursing players I don’t even know. Besides, I finished first in my league last year and I’m fucking tired, yanno? You might wonder why I wouldn’t want to defend my title, and to that I answer with this. By not playing, I am defending my title.

Anyways, I have my annual NFL predictions at the ready. I’m not sure if I even do this annually, but it sounds more official that way. As a public service, I must add that I’m not a professional and as such, you shouldn’t wager based on my predictions. Cut out the middleman and send the money right to me, because you obviously have no clue how to manage shit.


New England Patriots Super Bowl appearance is akin to a Spider-Man reboot. They show up just about every year. Tom Brady didn’t lose the Super Bowl last year, his coach did. The Man Named 12 did everything he could, scorching the Eagles D for half a thousand yards after which he had consolation sex with Giselle. He should definitely consider a Presidential run, seeing as how even when he loses . . he wins. Rumor has it that one day Tom Brady will lose his superpowers and return to his Fortress of Solitude. Until such time, Team Apple Stock is an odds on favorite to get back to the big game. I ain’t buying it . . not this year. Because this year, it’s gonna be . . .

The San Diego Los Angeles Chargers. Unlike the Patriots, the Chargers always find new and exciting ways to fuck things up. They are the Hilary Clinton of the NFL playoffs. Too soon? Anyways, this is the year they break through and make it to the big game. Which doesn’t make up for the fact they switched out their sweet crib in San Diego so they could be just another team in LA . . . but hey, making it to the Super Bowl is good too. And the crown they’re looking to grab belongs to . . .

Browns Meme

The Philadelphia Eagles. Who used to find new and exciting ways to fuck things up, until last year when they actually won it . . with zero help from the Russians at that. After which the Eagles took to chirping about how they were a fun bunch compared to Tom Brady and the Matrix. Which conveniently ignored the fact that the Patriots have booked passage with the last week of the season eight times in the last seventeen years. The Eagles should be mindful of the fact that uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. They’re still gonna be plenty good, and they’re still gonna come close, but in the end, they’re gonna lose in the NFC title game to the . . .

Dallas Cowboys. Back in the day, the ‘Boys used to be hated the same way the Patriots are hated now. This was during a simpler time known as the Clintonian Era. Things just ain’t the same any longer. Soul has been replaced with algorithm and the whole world is ordering out. Well, the Cowboys are gonna steal all that gritty, seething fan hatred back from the Patriots this year and make it all the way to the big game.

Cowboys Cheerleaders

As for my predicted score in Super Bowl LIII, Imma have to come back to that after my predictions blow up and the actual participants make themselves known next January.

As for the rest of my NFL predictions . . .

  • The Browns will win more games than they did last year.
  • Jacksonville will not make the playoffs. My accountant can throw better than their quarterback, and that ‘vaunted’ defense? It gave up more points last postseason than a tricked out pinball machine. And ESPN loves them, which means this is more about style than substance.
  • The NFL will continue to fuck up the meaning of a catch, a peaceful protest and a legal hit.
  • Baker Mayfield will be entertaining, Josh Allen will be mostly awful and Josh Rosen will have the best season of all the rookie QB’s.
  • Deshaun Watson will finish behind Aaron Rodgers and Ezekiel Elliott for MVP honors. Watson is style and substance, and he’s coming fast.
  • The Miami Dolphins will exceed expectations. Kenny Stills (receiving) and Kenyan Drake (rushing) will surpass 1,000 yards. Ryan Tannehill will have a breakout season and Minkah Fitzpatrick will shine. And . . . there’s no punchline. Yet.
  • The Bucs and Bills will vie for the number one pick in the 2019 NFL Draft.
  • The Vikings, Falcons, Saints, Panthers, Steelers, Chiefs and Rams will join forces in the NFL’s version of Infinity War. Didn’t they learn anything from the movie?
  • To the peeps who say the NFL’s bottom line was hurt by the anthem protests, I give you Jon Gruden. He hasn’t coached in ten years . . his lone Super Bowl win was with another coach’s players . . sixteen years ago . . which happened to be his last playoff win as well. That dude scored a 100 million dollar contract with the Raiders.
  • And oh yeah . . Gruden will be a disaster in his coaching comeback. I predict he’ll be off the sidelines within three years, after which he’ll move upstairs. He’ll become the NFL version of Sam “Ace” Rothstein, with revolving titles as Vegas boss.

On a completely related note, I wasn’t aware last night was the season opener until I received a text from a friend informing me the Falcons were beating the Eagles early on. Thursday night football is the worst idea since the Captain of the Titanic tried making a hairpin turn around an iceberg. NFL players should take a knee in protest to these midweek debacles.

This shit never would’ve happened if Burt Reynolds had been commissioner. Rest in peace, Bandit.


53 thoughts on “Mostly Fearless NFL Predictions!

    • The NFL is the money monster that knows no shame. They bungle the anthem protests, the catch rule and what constitutes a legal hit. They talk about concern for player safety whilst scheduling Thursday night games, when players will be tired and off their games and thus, more apt to be injured as a result. And then they push for an eighteen game season to boot!
      The game is America’s pastime simply because its got action and it’s easy to bet on. The league succeeds in spite of itself.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Tellyouwhat, B,

    For the hell of it, Imma save me a copy of this here post and then Imma pay attention to the NFL season a tad more than usual – which is usually not at all. Just for the hellofit and to see how well you do 😉

    As for Burt, dang it, I watched about 30 minutes of Smokey and the Bandit just three days ago! Ya think the peeps that plan what plays on the tube knew?

    Cheers to the Pats not making it to the Super Bowl – just because.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Q,
      There is no money back guarantee on these but . . . if you wish me to double down on ’em, I will cull a few “locks” from this post so you don’t have to pay attention too much.
      When it comes down to it, the NFL is like Walking Dead, really. In sixty minutes time, we get like three and a half minutes worth of action.
      So storylines you can follow.
      The Raiders will suck.
      The Dolphins will make the playoffs.
      The Cowboys will win the Super Bowl.

      Locks, I tell you. Locks.

      Shhhhhhh!!! They might be listening. Reading. Both. We speak in code when it comes to them, from now on. And yes to the question, because eythay areyay everywhereyay.

      Tom Brady gets to spend the winter with Giselle, poor bastid.

      B- The NFL Picks Maven (sic)

      Liked by 1 person

      • LOL! Don’t I know it… re no money-back guarantee
        Were I to be a betting woman, I’d choose different stakes, but hey, I’ll take these.
        I used to love the Raiders, and am so outta da loop, I didn’t know they were back to Oakland (LA Raiders sounded wrong). Course I loved The Dolphins coz of Dan Marino and the 49ers coz of Joe Montana and I’ll never forget Theismann’s leg break by Lawrence Taylor coz I watched that one live, (and still have the urge to puke when I see it) and just like with hockey, my interest waned many moons ago as you can see by the names I’ve thrown out there.

        Gonna have to choose something other than pig-latin, darlin’…

        Q – the pretend sports fan…

        Liked by 1 person

        • Tell you what, for a “pretend” sports fan? You know a ton! I was reading through this comment and thinking that you have way more NFL knowledge than you let on. And the best part? It’s old school sugar, not the new age soda pop. From Montana to Marino to the “Oakland” Raiders . . . I am duly impressed! Bonus points for the Theismann leg break mention.
          Of course, but I figure it throws them off enough that maybe they’ll go fishing around at Frank’s blog. Or maybe John, since he’s such a bad ass crime writer.
          To the Oakland Raidahs!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve always been challenged when it came around to discussing the fine points of football with the boys. I’m going to print this off and memorize it and then when the talk starts I’ll just interject your sage words. I think it will be jaw-dropping.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I forgot to include my fearless-ish AFC North predictions.
      I want the Ravens to finish last, because I hate the Ravens with a passion. There are two NFL teams I can honestly say I ‘hate’. The Ravens and the Jets.
      So Ravens last (I hope)
      Browns third, but exciting. I would love to see Baker do something and I hope the Browns win some games.
      Bengals second. You guys got an OL in the first round, but that offense still needs a ton of help. You also nabbed Walton the kid out of Miami. He’s a good ‘un if he’s healthy. He can run and catch.
      Steelers. First. Even though it’s gonna get ugly with Bell. I am hoping they trade him to Miami. After what his teammates pulled on him, I can’t imagine the two sides ever co-existing. I was shocked his teammates came out against him. Bell is a RB who NEEDS to get paid because this is probably his last big deal, given the expiration date of RB’s. I side with Bell completely and I do not think it’s cool in the least that his guys didn’t have his back on this. That said, they still have plenty of firepower.

      Liked by 1 person

        • This will be a good barometer right off the bat. Because that Indy D is putrid. If Cincy can’t get anything going against it, you might be feeling the same way Falcons fans are feeling today after watching their team LOSE that game on Thursday night. Apologies to Eagles fans, but the Falcons lost a highly winnable game.


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