Losing My Own Personal Cold War

The world seems to be going to Hades in a howitzer. We have the looming specter of nuclear winters, climate expanded summers and a ubiquitous fall from grace in the United States of Twitter.

So why shouldn’t I rail on fucking cart attendants?

Namely, my man Robert. And if you ain’t down with the snark in that sentence, you ain’t read my last love letter to this asshole. You can find it here, but be warned that you will never get back those three minutes of your life. And you’ll never see cart attendants the same way again. Just kidding, we all see cart attendants the same way, don’t we? They’re fucking cart attendants . . they attend to carts. And they’re ain’t nothing wrong with that, but don’t be selling their profession as some kind of Shakespeare novella, ayt?

I guess I’m really not as different as I like to think I am. Because for all the times I grimace at those peeps who need to be liked, it seems I got me some of that DNA as well. I mean, I don’t give a great good fuck if you don’t like me. In fact, I’m plenty coo with it, because let’s face it . . that shit is interesting. If a person doesn’t like me, there’s always this little voice in my head (He sounds like Hugh Jackman) who’s  like Look at you! All hated . . . you must be some King Shit! 

Of course, the feeling is transient and more unstable than a third world bank. After which Hugh Jackman voice is summarily kicked to the curb by Samuel Jackson voice, who says something like Bitch! Get that weak ass shit outta here! King Shit my ass! After which I curse myself for not having any bourbon in my crib.

So it happened again yesterday. More evidence that Robert is fucking with my head. There I was, walking into my local grocer while Robert stood guard at the door, greeting every single fucking person who passed by. As I approached the automatic doors, I checked my phone for no other reason than I didn’t want Robert to think I gave a fuck that he was about to ignore my ass yet again.

Maybe I put too much thought into these interactions, or lack thereof . . I dunno.

Of course, all that chirp ceased as I moved to the doors. Evidently, I am the bubonic plague when it comes to his ability to construct basic sentences. So get this, I smile at a text my pal Q sent me . . . last week. That’ll teach you Robert, you pretentious piece of shit! I got a life that doesn’t need your hello . . bitch.

But nah, Robert wasn’t content with radio silence. Because just as I’m breaching the entrance, he greets someone else. I turn to find the recipient of a hello not named Marc’s and I gotta say . . wow. This Robert asshole is good. Because the other end of his greeting is in a car . . driving . . through the parking lot.

So Robert basically yodeled to this individual a half block away, after which he proceeded to have a conversation with him. Meanwhile, yours truly who is standing punching distance away from him gets some more of the Bruce Willis treatment. And now it’s quite evident to me that I’m playing checkers and Robert is playing chess.

Maybe he’s got more Shakespeare than I’m giving him credit for.

67 thoughts on “Losing My Own Personal Cold War

  1. B,

    I canna lie… I am rolling on the floor laughing right now. I know EXACKERY what you are talking about… this war that has never been officially declared but is on-going between you and the Robert through no official territory delineation has been determined. The battle is ON!
    Wonder what you did (unknowingly, of course) for him to diss you so blatantly?
    Oh, and my pleasure for giving you an excuse to smile at your phone instead of Robert…. 😉

    Laughing and commiserating,
    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      I was looking at that football fuck fest video you sent where the ‘announcer’ went off after the TD! I had my earbuds in, so as not to offend Robert’s delicate senses.
      Make no mistake, this IS war. It’s my own personal Vietnam, and I realize it is an effort in futility and I ain’t got Nixon waxing all poetic on my involvement in this quagmire, but I am undeterred.
      Thank you for totally getting this! Of course you do! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • That was quite the video, wasn’t it? You shoulda played it loud and proud, now that you mention it… To hell with Robert’s sensibilities… and I’ve jumped ahead to read John’s suggestion.
        I’m with him!
        And of course I do. I have my own Robert. She’s a royal bitch. We’ve discussed her. Though I go there so rarely now, I think she forgets to loathe me and has actually almost smiled. More of a smirk, but still.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You can’t beat Rober. Robert has seen your kind before. He picks up on the slight twitch of the upper lip, and the 17 times read that text stare. He knows what you are doing and he has been at that door long enough to read through your moves like you were Saran wrap. I would pull out the big gun next time. Stop just short of Robert and holler over his shoulder to the shopper in front of you. “Good to talk with you too,” is a line that can’t be checked up on. You need to win this.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What is it with the grocery store that people behave like this? Sometimes I see someone I actually KNOW and they pretend they don’t see me and walk the other way. Its like they go somewhere public and think they are having some “alone time” and can’t be bothered to accidentally run into someone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Brooke, now you’re touching on a whole ‘nother animal. And yet another grocery store jaunt annoyance that I most certainly relate to.
      Like, how much does it cost to say a simple ‘hello’? I ain’t asking for a filibuster and I sure don’t want one. A simple hello, that’s all.

      Like

  4. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Robert is upping his game and I know it was a burn but it was funny, because I’ve seen people like this before. I was like damn Robert you are check-mating the situation. But I know you’re going to come out way better in the end. Robert’s hello’s probably come with bad vibes. I’ll send you a good hello from Cali! Hope you’re good!

    Liked by 1 person

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