635 Reasons to Love Cleveland

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Remember that girlfriend you had in high school who was constantly pulling you around by the leash? She’d break your heart one week only to pick up all the pieces inside the next? And every time you thought you’d finally learned your lesson, every time you’d talked yourself into never going back to her, she would make the scene, flip your script and play you for the fool again?

The Miami Dolphins are that high school girlfriend.

They are my harmful chemical of a romance gone full metal jacket. They are my cholera on cleats, my seasick Orion . . . my Orwellian O’Brien. When I ask for ‘mo they give me Poe. They promise me the world, and they give me Hoboken.

I’m not being a dick about this. I realize there are other fan bases that have it much worse than me. Like Beliebers, and QVC speed dialers . . . and oh yes, those peeps who insist on seeing Kelly Ripa live even though it’s a known fact she is the Goddess of the undead.

As far as sports goes? There ain’t no team in any professional sport that has done less with more than my Dolphins. They have money, J. Lo and an area code that can sell mango flavored snow cones in the middle of winter. Imagine the Dolphins were Vera Farmiga with the mind of Stephen Hawking and the bank account of Bill Gates. And then imagine, if you will, that this perfect specimen plays the cymbals in a Winger cover band.

Since the aughts of this millennium, Miami has proven less potent than an octogenarian who’s all outta penis pills. And never mind they’re 2-0 to start this season, and never mind I picked ’em to make the postseason, and never mind they play the Raiders. At home. My Dolphins are still going to find a way to fuck up this football equivalent of a glass of water.

So what?

The Cleveland Browns won a football game Thursday night! For the first time since Christmas Eve . . . of 2016. Basically, almost two calendar years have passed since Cleveland had something to boast about that didn’t rhyme with LeBron James.

Cleveland’s Browns are bringing the fun; something my Dolphins have been lacking ever since Dan Marino stopped pitching masterpieces. In a league where men behave like crybabies, dynasties become TMZ curiosities and marginal talents like Isaiah Crowell of the Jets choreograph embarrassing touchdown celebrations in losses, and then are not man enough to own up to their stupidity, the Browns are content with just playing football.

They’ve got a young brash quarterback with balls of steel, who seems to really dig the big moment. And in spite of his bad boy past, Baker Mayfield has thus far handled the dupes in the media with more aplomb than veterans such as Antonio Brown could dream of. In a post game interview on ESPN, Baker laughed off Scott Van Pelt’s suggestion that the quarterback get himself some free beer and party hardy.

It didn’t occur to the interviewer to pump his frat boy brakes, in spite of the fact the Browns have been Team Rehab (See Johnny Manziel and Josh Gordon) over the last few years. And that’s because Van Pelt is a tone deaf goof, as are too many of his peers at the four letter. It was obvious that the kid out of Oklahoma was the adult in the room inside that moment.

So this Baker Mayfield kid’s got poise, and his team has ups. And in a best case scenario, the Browns use this year to get somewhere much better than middle of the road. That’s where the Dolphins have resided for the last couple decades, and it’s no fun. At all.

Maybe there will come a day when the Browns will behave like most of the other teams out there; comprised of divas and crybabies whose intrigue has nothing to do with football. But for right now, the Browns are more satisfying than free beer.

Drink up, Cleveland.

 

 

 

39 thoughts on “635 Reasons to Love Cleveland”

  1. B,
    You wanna know what you do? You actually make me want to watch football (without a boyfriend or husband’s prodding) so’s I can bitch and moan, hip and hurrah, and actually participate in a conversation with my own two cents’ worth…
    Yep. I find myself wanting to see what you’re talking about Hell, as I’ve mentioned, I haven’t really watched football since Marino was throwing winning touchdowns… just sayin’.
    As to that girlfriend comment… there were boys who did that too, yanno… why my first boyfriend and I broke up four times before we did so for realz.. then again, at age 16, maybe I was the one pulling the leash… I have conveniently forgotten.

    To your fave teams picking up their socks and playing right!
    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Q,
      I was thinking that maybe we should adopt the Browns as our team. Just for this year though, while they’re still lovable pups. That way we have something to chat up on football Sundays.
      Of course there were dudes who did it too. I was friends with these God’s Gift Gumbas, LOL! Thinking they were all that and a bag of chips. It’s how I learned what NOT to be.
      I had a few girlfriends like that in high school, but Betty Silverstein was the one who truly played me like a fiddle. She would come and go and I would always drop everything on her rebound. It was a sport, tell you what.
      You? Pulling the leash? No . . . way!

      Let’s pick up our socks ladies! Imma use that one tomorrow! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. K. I’m in. For me, it makes no nevermind as I don’t have any affiliation whatsoever, as long as we DON’T pick the Patriots…
        GGG’s! Gonna have to remember that one! And it’s good that you learned what NOT to be.
        Betty, Betty, Betty… what did you do to poor Marc? Part of growing up, eh?
        Umm. didn’t say that. Don’t know what you’re talking about…

        Glad I could give you a catch phrase! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Patriots hatred transcends countries, I love it! And yes, the Triple G’s were a thing. In their Members Only jackets, New Balance kicks and slicked back hair. They possessed all the charm of paperweights.
        As per Betty, it’s like the old saying goes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a dozen times, I’m a schmuck.
        Nah, you said nothing of the sort . . .;)

        Go Browns!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Enough with them already… Let’s move on to some other teams, k?
        Ugh. I can just picture them. Thankfully, they didn’t go to my private French school…
        Nah… fool you a few times coz you’re an adolescent with raging hormones who can’t decipher what up!
        Nope. Not a word.

        Go Browns!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. The league keeps TRYING to move on from the Patriots, but they refuse to die!
        Yes, those gumbas are why I had friends of all kinds. They were plenty of fun to hang out with in NYC on a Saturday night, but the conversation beyond that was simple. The heavy metal deadheads were at the very least entertaining in their conversations. Especially after dropping acid. And the nerds LOVED me because I always brought a girl or two along on our jaunts, lol. The jocks and musicians were so into themselves, they were oblivious to me stealing their girls! 😉
        A private French school . . . did you wear a uniform?
        I learned my lessons well . . .

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Damn them anyway!
        Hah! Funny, I was friends with all sorts, too. Though I was a jockette, to be honest, so I hung out at the gym mostly – and we know how that one went! Ahem. And NO, I was not into myself.
        Smart of you to bring chicks to the nerds.
        Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry. No, we only had a dress code: no jeans, running shoes, t-shirts, sweatshirts with anything on them, à la “Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it lasts” – I specify that one because the chick who wore it caused the rule to change…
        So we dressed in flannel checkered shirts (how friggen Canadian can you get?) with corduroys or long skirts with wool socks and construction boots. Anything to cross the line…
        I’m sure you did…

        Liked by 1 person

      6. You were quite the jockette.
        And I was only asking for matters of research, seriously.
        Buahahahaha! If you’re going to change the rules, might as well make it WORTH the change!
        Flannel checkered shirts huh? With maple leaf designs? And construction boots, on girls, I would have loved that one.
        Cross that line girl!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I was.
        OF course you are.
        Damn straight! We did what we had to!
        Oh hell no… just the checkers. Remind me to send you a pic of my Grade 11 pic one day…
        Me? Oh no… I follow the rules. Always.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Research is the lifeblood for any self respecting writer, yanno? And if it means I have to go above and beyond, so be it.
        High School Q . . .
        And what? You? Follow rules? Who hijacked your blog? Because this is most definitely NOT Q. . .

        Liked by 1 person

      9. That it is. I am just a neophyte who is just learning the ropes…
        High School Q, all legs and gangly 😉
        Are you insinuating that I DON’T follow rules? Wherever did you get that notion from? Why I never . . . 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      10. N’kay . . neophyte, lol. Pull up those socks!
        And High School is where we tuck our gangly selves for future reference.
        Hmm, lemme think about that. Yes, that is exactly what I was insinuating. And hey . . that there sentence conjured up a song in me head!
        So here’s the Hues Corporation with “Rock the Boat” from the way back of 1974!

        Liked by 1 person

      11. 😛
        We can tuck ourselves away for hiding, too.
        Oh man. You have just brought me back to my 12-yr old self. Family vacay at the Golden Acres Ranch in the Catskills… uh huh… oh yeah.

        Liked by 1 person

      12. Sorry… never had the big hair… I was a “freak” – yanno… no makeup, no teasing of hair but did love to dance… so I did make some effort when I went out!
        But yeah… REAL music.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. You were Le Freak? Haha!
        And yes, you were an anomaly to the times, seeing as how everything was hair spray and carnivale paint back in the day. I bet you were quite the breath of fresh air to be around . . .

        Liked by 1 person

      14. I was one of them… you had two factions – discos (or mods, we called them) or freaks (80’s version of hippies) sorry, I don’t bother with the nerds, they were too vanilla…
        I was just me.

        Liked by 1 person

      15. The nerds in my circle liked Rush and they had all sorts of video game hacks, and hot moms! LOL.
        I was that same “just me” kid. Which is why I attracted all comers. And truthfully, it allowed my powers of observation to remain keen and razor sharp, all that variety.

        Liked by 1 person

      16. Well we, of course loved Rush, hello? Canadian!
        Whereas you used those powers of observation, I just rolled with it and sometimes wonder how people remember shit I was part of that I have no recollection of participating in (no, not coz of illegal substances, – I was a strictly on special occasions toker…)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You can’t help but feel a sense of joy that the Browns pulled one off. My god have you ever been in downtown Cleveland in the winter? It is a wonder anyone in town is still holding on. That’s what Cleveland is all about. holding on. Great bit of writing Marc. I had to laugh out loud at the high school girlfriend metaphor. Thanks again for the entertainment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. John,
      As a Steelers fan, to be able to say that illustrates a couple things. What a mensch you are to step out of the rivalry (even if it hasn’t been much of one for a while) and just how lousy the Browns have been for the last couple decades. And especially the last couple years.
      The Dolphins ARE that high school girlfriend! Every fall they call me up and the next thing I know, I’m in! Hook, line and lots of sinking . . .

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Boss just fired a shot across the bow! Man, these are SO not those old Steel Curtain teams. Can you imagine what Joe Greene would’ve said the first time one of these dudes started crying like that? No bueno . . .

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m convinced Kelly Ripa is not really a human being.
    As for the topic … is it better to be a Dolphins fan and generally know your team never has a chance or be a Steelers fan and be teased with the possibility every year, year after f’in’ year, only to be crushed once again. My god, the Browns now have a better record than the Steelers. I think this season will end early for us Steelers fan –thrown to the ground by Roethlisberger’s inability to do anything in road games.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mark,
      You make a very valid point, to which I think it’s a matter of the grass being greener. Or the artificial turf. Or whatever blessed rug they’re using at this moment.
      The Steelers bear no resemblance to the Rooney family organization that was all about class and stability. When you consider they’ve had three head coaches in what? Over forty years time? Remarkable, admirable, the example for all other organizations. And yet, this bunch is highly unlikable, sorry. Big Ben talks about retiring every year, and then rolls back all that talk when they draft a QB. Antonio Brown is such a diva, you begin to wonder if he’s worth all that talent. I mean, this team is self destructing. The season is far from over and they COULD turn it all around, but who picks up the team? Who leads?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Baby steps, Grasshopper. Wins come by the week…here’s to more. At least the Brown’s brought joy. I nearly barfed at the Donkey’s win last weekend. Talk about ugly…they must be the worst 2-0 team in the league. As for your ‘fish’ I still remember the season they never lost a game. Still quite the accomplishment even though it was in the last Millenium. 🏈 Happy Sunday!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Browns are entertaining, they’re fun.
      Meanwhile, teams like the Broncos and Dolphins have gotten off to promising starts. But I’m still quite reserved, as I foresee nasty weather ahead.
      I was a six year old boy in Miami when the Dolphins went undefeated. I remember the town was crazy about that team.

      Liked by 1 person

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