Christmas week is in full swing, with a new year warming up in the bullpen. Of course, our collective dream home of 2019 is going to be filled with a lot of the same furniture, like . .
- A partial government shut down thanks to a wall that has absolutely nothing to do with Pink Floyd.
- Historic stock market rallies that fail to assuage investors, who’ve seen this roller-coaster act plunge off the tracks before.
- Concern that the Russians have developed a hyper-sonic missile that travels faster than Kim Kardashian’s credit card.
- The burrito of a federal deficit which stood at $779 billion on October 31st- the end of the fiscal year. Administration officials attribute the seventeen percent spike in one calendar year to fake news, fake fur, fake grass, fake breasts and CNN’s Jim Acosta.
- Security breaches are the next gen pickpockets, only much more insidious. The good news is that nobody was affected by the K-Mart and Sears breaches since nobody shops there. The bad news is plenty of peeps shop Whole Foods, Saks Fifth Avenue, Best Buy, Under Armour and Forever 21. Those brands are but a few of the more than two dozen that were tapped.
But never mind all that shit, there’s a celebration to be had! Because it’s Friday, and that means I’m doing a Heroes post. And okay . . that’s not really cause for celebration. Anyways, cheers for the weekend!
5- The Andy Griffith Show called . . They want their hokum back- I’ve become dreadfully indifferent when it comes to politicians, seeing as how they’ve transformed the tenets of democracy into a private porn stash. But this Mike Huckabee, he really pisses me off.
Huck went and did it again this week when he blamed the press for bashing Trump’s Christmas Eve phone conversation with a seven year old girl. During the call, Trump asked her if she still believed in Santa Claus “. . . because at seven, it’s marginal . . right?”
The press reported on the Trump exchange, after which social media moved the needle. Huckabee’s disingenuous assertion that the press weaponized the comment is dumber than Cher’s next boyfriend (That’s not a knock on Cher. It’s a knock on mimbos). “You never can find a way that President Trump will make some of the people in the press happy,” He said.
The Foxies and Huck chuckled over how Trump didn’t “boil a bunny” whilst ignoring the fact this wasn’t a navigated conspiracy, it was a democratized response. I can imagine that Huckabee would’ve been calling Obama a Christian bashing progressive for saying the same fucking thing.
4- 200 Yutes Sing Songs of Love –More than 200 youths in Roanoke, Virginia were involved in a brawl as the result of a song that ignited local gang tensions. My first thought: Kids still roller skate?
3- Alex Bregman: Drive Thru King- Bregman is an outfielder for the Houston Astros who went around to fast food joints in the Houston area on Christmas Eve and gave tips to all the workers. Some would say Well sure, he makes a video where he’s Top Hatting his pin money. Big whoop!. But I say Dude could be making it rain in a strip club, but instead he’s penning a Dickens vine. Don’t hate the player, love his game.
2- His Very Own Truman Show- Trump says if he doesn’t get funding for his wall, no deal. He also says federal workers support his decision to furlough their asses if he doesn’t get funding for the world’s longest handball court. He also says Harrison Ford was the second best President ever.
Seeing as how Trump’s ability to appreciate the greater good is smaller than his hands, Chuck Schumer should choreograph an agreement. Enlist fuzzy language assuring Trump that he will receive ‘A Vermilion Dollars For Completion of Wall’. He’ll have no clue that this means monopoly money. Next, arrange a face to face with the United States Superintendent of Walls, Clark Griswold, who will present Trump with a lifetime pass to Wally World. As they dine on KFC, Griswold will present ‘live footage’ of the wall under construction- which, in actuality, will be a scale model built with Lego blocks.
Government shutdown over.
1- Yes Dayami, there is a Santa Claus- A week and a half before Christmas, Randy Heiss of Patagonia, Arizona was out for a hike when he spotted a red balloon strewn across the grass. Upon closer inspection, he found a note attached to the ribbon of the balloon. It was a Christmas wish list for Santa, written in Spanish.
The town of Patagonia is located near the border to Mexico, and eventually Heiss was able to pin down the coordinates of the balloon’s flight pattern to Nogales, Mexico- some twenty miles southwest of his ranch. With help from his wife and an AM radio station in Nogales, they found the author of the wish list: An eight year old girl named Dayami. A meeting was arranged with Heiss and his wife making the forty five minute drive to Nogales to deliver Christmas presents to Dayami and her little sister. Since the little ladies still believe in Santa, the Heisses introduced themselves as his ‘helpers‘.
The Wall could not be reached for comment.