Top 5 Heroes Of The Week

Christmas week is in full swing, with a new year warming up in the bullpen. Of course, our collective dream home of 2019 is going to be filled with a lot of the same furniture, like . .

  • A partial government shut down thanks to a wall that has absolutely nothing to do with Pink Floyd.
  • Historic stock market rallies that fail to assuage investors, who’ve seen this roller-coaster act plunge off the tracks before.
  • Concern that the Russians have developed a hyper-sonic missile that travels faster than Kim Kardashian’s credit card.
  • The burrito of a federal deficit which stood at $779 billion on October 31st- the end of the fiscal year. Administration officials attribute the seventeen percent spike in one calendar year to fake news, fake fur, fake grass, fake breasts and CNN’s Jim Acosta.
  • Security breaches are the next gen pickpockets, only much more insidious. The good news is that nobody was affected by the K-Mart and Sears breaches since nobody shops there. The bad news is plenty of peeps shop Whole Foods, Saks Fifth Avenue, Best Buy, Under Armour and Forever 21. Those brands are but a few of the more than two dozen that were tapped.

But never mind all that shit, there’s a celebration to be had! Because it’s Friday, and that means I’m doing a Heroes post. And okay . . that’s not really cause for celebration. Anyways, cheers for the weekend!

5- The Andy Griffith Show called . . They want their hokum back- I’ve become dreadfully indifferent when it comes to politicians, seeing as how they’ve transformed the tenets of democracy into a private porn stash. But this Mike Huckabee, he really pisses me off.

Huck went and did it again this week when he blamed the press for bashing Trump’s Christmas Eve phone conversation with a seven year old girl. During the call, Trump asked her if she still believed in Santa Claus “. . . because at seven, it’s marginal . . right?”

The press reported on the Trump exchange, after which social media moved the needle. Huckabee’s disingenuous assertion that the press weaponized the comment is dumber than Cher’s next boyfriend (That’s not a knock on Cher. It’s a knock on mimbos). “You never can find a way that President Trump will make some of the people in the press happy,” He said.

The Foxies and Huck chuckled over how Trump didn’t “boil a bunny” whilst ignoring the fact this wasn’t a navigated conspiracy, it was a democratized response. I can imagine that Huckabee would’ve been calling Obama a Christian bashing progressive for saying the same fucking thing.

4- 200 Yutes Sing Songs of Love –More than 200 youths in Roanoke, Virginia were involved in a brawl as the result of a song that ignited local gang tensions. My first thought: Kids still roller skate?

3- Alex Bregman: Drive Thru King- Bregman is an outfielder for the Houston Astros who went around to fast food joints in the Houston area on Christmas Eve and gave tips to all the workers. Some would say Well sure, he makes a video where he’s Top Hatting his pin money. Big whoop!. But I say Dude could be making it rain in a strip club, but instead he’s penning a Dickens vine. Don’t hate the player, love his game.

2- His Very Own Truman Show- Trump says if he doesn’t get funding for his wall, no deal. He also says federal workers support his decision to furlough their asses if he doesn’t get funding for the world’s longest handball court. He also says Harrison Ford was the second best President ever.

Seeing as how Trump’s ability to appreciate the greater good is smaller than his hands, Chuck Schumer should choreograph an agreement. Enlist fuzzy language assuring Trump that he will receive ‘A Vermilion Dollars For Completion of Wall’. He’ll have no clue that this means monopoly money. Next, arrange a face to face with the United States Superintendent of Walls, Clark Griswold, who will present Trump with a lifetime pass to Wally World. As they dine on KFC, Griswold will present ‘live footage’ of the wall under construction- which, in actuality, will be a scale model built with Lego blocks.

Government shutdown over.

1- Yes Dayami, there is a Santa Claus- A week and a half before Christmas, Randy Heiss of Patagonia, Arizona was out for a hike when he spotted a red balloon strewn across the grass. Upon closer inspection, he found a note attached to the ribbon of the balloon. It was a Christmas wish list for Santa, written in Spanish.

The town of Patagonia is located near the border to Mexico, and eventually Heiss was able to pin down the coordinates of the balloon’s flight pattern to Nogales, Mexico- some twenty miles southwest of his ranch. With help from his wife and an AM radio station in Nogales, they found the author of the wish list: An eight year old girl named Dayami. A meeting was arranged with Heiss and his wife making the forty five minute drive to Nogales to deliver Christmas presents to Dayami and her little sister. Since the little ladies still believe in Santa, the Heisses introduced themselves as his ‘helpers‘.

The Wall could not be reached for comment.

47 thoughts on “Top 5 Heroes Of The Week

  1. All of that and I’m all “I’m so happy kids roller skate!” Ya know, I am a skater, currently on hiatus, until I’m brave enough to put the skates back on and risk another wrist break. I’m not a kid, though. … Now, self, why did you have to go and bring that up?

    I’ve never seen anyone have the lack of social skills that the president has. It’s amazeballs. It’s, like, the one thing he’s really good at.

    Train. Loves me some Train.

    Liked by 3 people

      • Kids can be highly annoying. My inner five-year-old, though, is quiet, likes to read books and write, and roller skate. She’s thinking of taking tap dance in the new year, too. 🙂

        Glad you dig amazeballs. I think I learned that word from a kid, when they weren’t being annoying. See, they can be good for something.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    You never fail to entertain. Your 2019 dream house furniture is quite something. I suppose if I were to pay attention to my own backyard I’d have my own set of shitty furniture – the benefits or delusion created by not watching the news. Makes me more ignorant but less stressed.

    I don’t even know what to say about the Trump/Huckabee thing. All I can do is shake my head…

    I’m with you… kids still roller skate? And really? Are things so friggen out there that a song will cause a fight. Oh waitaminute, lemme guess. It was that “Baby It’s Cold Outside” one, wudden’t it? That makes “sense”,

    We’ve had that discussion on people being heroes and filming it for the world to see. It’s one of those fine-line things. How ’bout we focus on the act of generosity instead of the 15-minutes of fame? What’s the more important part of the scenario?

    Hah! Love your wall scenario. Think it would work? Hey wait! You guys could cut a deal with Canada. Mega Bloks – it’ll take less pieces than Lego blocks. Of course, since it’s based in Quebec and my province can be an asshole, the site is only in French… But hey, you guys are used to working with Spanish, how hard could it be?

    Thanks for your beautiful number one story. Proof that the spirit Santa does exist.

    Cheers to this crazy and wonderful world we live in


    Liked by 2 people

    • Q,

      I check in on the news from time to time. In the event there’s some actual ‘breaking news’, I want to know about it. Like, a meteor is gonna crash down and turn us into pate. Of course, knowing how the news cycle works, that story would be buried near the end of the newscast.

      There is nothing we CAN do about the Trump/Huckabee thing except shake our heads. And curse. Lots.

      If it was “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, then those kids must be set free, post haste! And perhaps reimbursed for their troubles as well.

      There is a fine line indeed. I think the act, in this particular instance, is worth the positive chime. Because Bregman was genuinely excited about doing it.

      And “Mega” is so much more American sounding. Us peeps love mega attached to just about anything! Language barriers are a moot point, since we can’t even understand each other when we speak the same language!

      I really loved that story. It was all the more special when I learned of what Heiss and his wife had gone through.

      Cheers to the spirit, and to appreciating the wonders of a world.


      Liked by 2 people

      • I get all my “real” news from Facebook! Seriously, when there is something, then I go check the veracity… but hey, if there’s meteor coming our way, not like we can do anything about it!

        He was and it is definitely worth the positive chime.

        I know, right? You’d think Mega was ‘Murican…

        Angels (or Santas) do walk amongst us.

        What a wonderful world – when we choose to see it!

        Liked by 2 people

        • You ain’t alone on the FB front. Lots of peeps get their news that way. It’s like Yahoo News. When you read it there, you best go chase it with some verification.

          If a meteor is coming our way, I want to make certain I have liquor in the house for the occasion. Nothing would suck more than having to toast to the end of time with orange soda!

          Mega malls, Mega Pizza Box, Mega M&M’s . . it’s how ‘Muricans roll. Never mind that it doesn’t mega sense! LOL

          And they do not need walls to get their point across. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • True dat. At least I don’t take it as gospel!

            Put that way… best be prepared then. And hopefully have someone to toast with!

            No walls, no mega walls, no nothing! 😀

            Liked by 1 person

          • Scary thing is, how many people DO take it as gospel. Too many people. IF they read the news at all, that is.

            Chin chin!

            And yanno what doesn’t have a mega attached to it, even though it would sound- and no doubt would be- super cool? Mega-Bodega. And I bet you’d get some kick ass java there too!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Wait! You mean . . all news ISN’T fake? But wait, no . . the morning peeps on Fox insist it’s all fake news. I mean, all the stuff that isn’t reported by Fox.

            Bottoms up!

            Hmmm, fascinating enterprise. An espresso bar, foot long Chorizo chews up by the register. We’d HAVE to have a lotto machine. And real deal newspapers. And pan de agua, which would go so very well with the espresso. And Celia Cruz piped through the sound system . . .

            Oh . . . jes!

            Liked by 1 person

          • I heard tell, there are some real truths out there… then again, that in itself might be an urban myth..


            Ooh and after coffee time, tapas with vino…


            Liked by 1 person

          • Yes! We have one that opened last year and it reads exactly like a maze. Bar and Grilles shouldering up with pizza joints, bakeries and liquor stores. Add in those roundabouts that help to cut down on the pedestrians . . .

            Liked by 1 person

          • We have them sprouting up all over. You park in one section, do the myriad stores, decide if you really want to walk a to the next one… these are pedestrian oriented – with fire pits and music and everything.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Ha ha ha! Scope out the competition, then get yourself a something to celebrate how yours is so much better…

            These types of malls in my neck don’t have any of the big-box stores attached. It’s all Forever-21, Gap, bars, restaurants, etc. Then on the outskirts, like outside of the core, is the Walmart, sorry, Targay did not make it here in Canada…

            Liked by 1 person

          • That’s dang straight!

            Nope, Targay was simply Target in Canada. It was too much, too soon and of course, by over extending themselves, the individual stores were shit for. It was like being invited to a wine tasting party and bringing soda. Ain’t gonna win like that, so they got what they deserved.

            Liked by 1 person

          • 🙂
            Oh no. Friends who were fans of driving cross the border called it Targay… and it came in, took all our Zellers (same shit, same colour, different name) stores and just never happened. I admit, I went, I saw, I was unimpressed, I left. But you may be right, they went about it all wrong.

            Liked by 1 person

          • That was one of their many mistakes, because Target usually builds its own stores. Couple that with over expansion, not enough flow to fill the stores and you have yourself a dumpster fire.

            As I always say, lots of bosses. Few leaders.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Problem was, Zellers space wasn’t conducive. Which is the reason Target usually builds its own stores. To retrofit an existing structure doesn’t solve the problem.
            I completely agree with your point. I hate when a big box store or something of the ilk goes out and it remains empty. There should be zoning stipulations that hold the tenant responsible for cleaning up their mess. In other words, you leave, you gotta pay for the tear down and clean up in the event no one comes in to fill the space within a requisite amount of time.
            Of course, this is never going to happen.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I hear ya. Maybe one day I’ll visit a Target in the States and see of what you speak…
            But yeah. tearing down a perfectly fine building to put up another is not what one would call ecological practice.
            And no, it won’t…

            Liked by 1 person

          • The brand has suffered greatly over the last several years, in spite of reboots aplenty. They believed themselves to be bigger than their britches.
            I never understood why these stores aren’t held responsible for doing stuff like this. Hells, put roller skating rinks in there since kids still do that stuff, as it turns out!

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Dyno – mite post, Marc. You got to wonder what drug POTUS takes. Why would you bring up belief or disbelief in Santa? Who the hell cares so why ask the question? It is not a matter of fake news it is fake intelligence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boss,

      I think the guy gets high on fast food and ego, I really do. And that’s what I thought when I read this. WHY even bring it up?! The Trump apologists act all indignant, as if this guy doesn’t ask for it with the stupid shit he says.

      Fake intelligence, I love that. So true.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Bregman won me over with that one, no doubt about it.
      As for the Shutdown solution, I think it would fly. As long as you stroke Trump’s ego every step of the way, which may require calling him Jefe or Comandante. And the KFC . . it’s crucial to the plan.


        • I don’t think I want to see it. I lived through it. I might wait until it’s available for home viewing, so that I can have a shot or two of something worth it in order to get me through.

          And no . . that sounds frightening. And hilarious. Both.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah, I just don’t think I can find any humor in that man, even if it is essentially mocking him.

            As for the fake Trump Twitter account … every time I read it I need two or three tweets to remember it’s fake.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I can’t bring myself to find any. I appreciate the mocking, but I don’t think he would care in the least. As long as he’s relevant, all that matters to him.

            Yikes! That says so much about the man. And so little . . .

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yes, Cheney doesn’t care, much like Trump doesn’t.

            Here’s the most recent tweet from the fake Trump Twitter account. I hope you appreciate how it requires at least a few seconds of review and then thought before one realizes … “oh, it’s not real.”

            Here you go …

            Even though Low-IQ Genral Mattis is leaving, he gave me a GIFT! He gave me a High Tech Cup! He says the cup will PREVENT me from spilling diet cokes on my VERY expensive white shirts! He called it a Sippy Cup! Terrific Gift! Oh…wait..never mind…It didn’t work. #FridayThoughts

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I LOVE these Friday Heroes posts!! Yeah. Huck…could there be a better candidate for fool of the year…well other than Individual #1, aka #45? Science denying, hypocrite to the max, knuckle dragging cretin…you’d have to really look hard or maybe not with the current crop of nutbars spouting off these days on Faux. Have a fantabulous last weekend of the year. I, for one, won’t be missing this pile of doo-doo and hope the clean slate of 2019 provides better times.


  5. These heroes of yours are making me weep and yell at the same time. I love the banter between you and Dale. You’re like a news team that actually have an accurate take on the news.

    Anything that has to do with Trump makes me foam at the mouth. It’s scary to know he’s who’s at the helm. Someone should tie him to a chair and read aloud, 13 Days, about the Cuban Missile Crisis that, if the Kennedy brothers weren’t who they were, flaws and all, we’d never be having this cyber conversation. If it had been Trump, instead of them. we’d all be meteors. sigh

    Liked by 1 person

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