Alright 2019, Let’s Get This Over With

Props for that meme go out to Patrick; the unofficial Mayor of Texas whose resemblance to Captain Spaulding makes me believe in fallen angels. To borrow from the great Edgar Allan Poe, words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.

Anyways, I’ve jotted down a top ten to do list for 2019. These aren’t resolutions, since I don’t believe in the pomp of glorified fortune cookie promises. My list is well worn, amendable and easy. Just like me.

1- Sweat the Details: I know, it runs counter to the new age counsel of self-help drivel that recommends we shake off the little buggers as if they’re spiritual fire-ants. I’ll figure on some details since Imma bake more, as opposed to not at all. And I’ll have my personal running goals, which involve plenty of sweating. Hey, it counts.

2- More Vera Farmiga Invitationals: I posted one last year. Unfuckingacceptable!

No more Dilly Dilly. That shit was funny the first time I heard it. And I happened to be sauced, so everything is funny when you’re sauced. 

3- Read More: I’ve been pretty scattershot with my reading. Binge here, cold case the pile there; more uneven than a Picasso pizza.

4- Find a New TV show: As it is, I dwell in the subterranean universe of the internet (Prime Video) and premium cable (HBO). Because truth be told, basic cable is a shit sale. And now that Bates Motel is dead, Walking Dead is meh and Designated Survivor is in purgatory, I need to go deep cover and grab a guilty pleasure for the winter months.

Applebee’s reverse engineered baby back ribs into an abomination called ‘riblets’. And they enlisted Dolly Parton to do their bidding with “Here You Come Again”. And now, I can’t get the fucking song out of my head. It’s messing up my mind and filling up my senses! Damn Applebee’s to hell for playing on the adorable nature of Dolly Parton. They truly are evil.  

5- Running off the grid: I took a break from running before getting back to it over the last week, with one big difference. No Fitbit. For the first time in almost four years, I ain’t tracking steps, calories, distance, time . . . nada. It’s been a while since I enjoyed running this much, and there’s a lesson in that. Being plugged in is not the same thing as being dialed in. I’ll go back, because that whole sweating the details thing matters a little bit at my age. But I dig the lesson learned.

6- Meditate: With the goal of collapsing into a cloud on the top of Mt Kailash whilst Buddha learns me a lesson on the mechanics of a butterfly.

It’s obvious Brooke Baldwin and Don Lemon’s talents are being wasted on CNN. Why? Because the three letter frowns upon their anchors being lit during a broadcast. Here’s hoping these two go into business together. Drunk podcasts. I. Am. There. 

7- Invent a Word or Phrase: How hard can the shit be if Trump does it every fucking day?

8- Games People Play: Admittedly, I do not share the love of gaming so many kids my age still hold to. I kicked the habit in 1984 and aside from a few brief excursions, I never went back. But after getting hooked on FIFA soccer for the Nintendo Switch I gifted my daughter, maybe I’ll be a low key gamer. (Is umm . . ‘low key gamer’ a phrase? Because if not, I think I nailed Number 7 already!).

The other day, I was verbally accosted by an old dude who had a problem with me tapping all the eggs in a carton before placing them in my cart. He argued that I had ‘contaminated’ them, so I had to explain to him that it was a moot point. See . . if one of the eggs would’ve been cracked, ain’t nobody buying them. And if all the eggs are intact, I’M buying them. And besides all that, it’s the fucking shell! I asked if he was paying my grocery bill to which he said he wasn’t. So I thanked him for wasting thirty seconds of my life.  

9- Write about Andy Warhol: Just writing that made me feel good. He was America’s last great bargain, leaving his fingerprints on everything from music videos and fashion to digital art to time capsules. His brilliant interpretations cannibalized a mass produced society and challenged us to question everything from soup to nuts.

10- Fake Trump Interview: Imma email the White House and after I receive a dozen automated responses that ignore my entreaty . . (Don’t worry, I’ll share my experience with you) I’ll fake interview President Apprentice.

Hope you enjoyed this 10 Commandments For Dummies and that the year is treating you well thus far. Remember, only three hundred and fifty five shopping days until Christmas!

I’ll let myself out.

 

48 thoughts on “Alright 2019, Let’s Get This Over With”

  1. B,

    I had to wait for the whole tune to finish before responding to this 🙂 Loves me some Dolly…And you must be TRAU-MA-TIZED that Applebee’s have usurped her song… or that she actually gave them the OK to use it…

    I think you’re right. Ain’t enough sweating going on. How else are you to feel you’ve really accomplished something?

    Not that I do “not” resolutions like you, but I do plan on reading more this year, too. 8. EIGHT! books is all I officially read in 2018…sad.

    And meditation. I’m on day 5 in a row… not bad, eh? We’re only the third of the year…

    Looking forward to how you share these “to-do’s”!

    Q

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Q,

      Dolly is nothing if not the ultimate business person. So I can’t fault her for it. I just wish it wasn’t fucking Applebee’s!

      Right? There has to be some sweating in order to understand the struggle, and to truly appreciate it. If there ain’t no sweating, what exactly are you getting? And yes, it rhymes.

      I don’t even know how many I read. But I’ve read a little every day of the New Year and I plan on reading a little every day. No matter how much time, just to escape for a few minutes.

      That’s awesome! Once it becomes a habit, you will be glad you stuck to it.

      Welp, I didn’t want to make a big . . . wait for it . . . to do about it.

      B

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Dolly is a phenomenal business woman, without a doubt. I couldn’t help but smile when you put her with your fave Applebee’s…

        Absolutely. You get nothing from ease.

        I read every day. Probably the equivalent of a novel between all the blog posts and articles. But books? When you give only 15-20 minutes per night before bed, it takes a bloody long time to read a full book! And that’s what I want to change. So good for you on reading a bit of other stuff besides blogs every day!

        I am looking forward to feeling more comfortable with it!

        He he he… you so punny, B…

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I was humming that song all fucking day. I introduced some kids to it, and they happened to dig it. The kids my age appreciated the chime. And I thought, my good deed might loose it from my brain. Nope . . .

        I don’t know how many books I’ll be able to read. I mean, there will be days when I will read a lot more and then days when I’ll devote maybe twenty minutes. But just the idea of reading is good for me.

        Let it evolve. So worth it

        Nothing like a good pun. Or a bad pun. Both.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I can well imagine. It has that ear worm quality to it! And nope… takes something drastic to exorcise one of those!

        That’s good. And doesn’t matter the quantity. It’s just nice that you will give yourself that time for you.

        I am and will…

        Puns are funny and people can groan all they want, they all love ’em!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It doesn’t help that it’s a really good song either. Not one bit.

        Mayhaps not feeling so great has helped as well. There is something about reading a book when I’m feeling lousy that has a soothing effect.

        The pun will never go extinct.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. At least it’s a good song. It’s when a shitty one gets stuck – and only the same fucking refrain plays in a loop in your brain – that one can seriously lose their mind…. she says with a twitch…

        Not that I want you to not feel well, but at least you had something to soothe you.

        Nope. They never will.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Think good songs . . think good songs . . think good songs . . think good songs . . think good songs . .

        I went to sleep last night earlier than a five year old. But yes, I did read for twenty minutes.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I have people who come up to me all the time and ask me how I came up with such a great word! Seriously folks . . this just might be the best word that was ever created, buhlieve me!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree. I think he’s sharp as hell and probably would make a good head coach in his second go round. But I wouldn’t trust him, at all. Not after what he did to the Colts last year. And as it turns out, the Colts did alright without him!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. favorite line…How hard can the shit be if Trump does it every fucking day? I’ll tell ya, him and that fucking wall. He couldn’t care about all the people who can’t get to work to pay their bills, because he doesn’t have that problem the gold-plated creep that he is. And if one more tabloid he pays off says, Melania has the style of Jackie….Jackie is going to rise up from her grave at Arlington and sue for their fucking ass. NOTHING IS WORSE THAN SLANDER FROM A FLIGHT ATTENDANT GONE GOLD.

    I’m being mean…I DON’T CARE.

    And here he comes again, goddammit. Dolly, adjust your lyrics please.

    We’re not havin’ a good day here….OMMMMMMM, said Gandhi, before they put his lights out. sigh

    Like

    1. You read my mind on this ‘un. Because that wall . . . God . . Damn . . It! Listen, I’m not disputing the need for a wall. But they’ve got the location all wrong. We need a wall around the White House is what we need.

      And as for Melania, I hereby dub her Tacky O. That work?

      Be mean, it can be a good thing sometimes. Spewing the toxins is sort of like a cleansing of sorts.

      That damn song. I need a steel wall around that damn song!

      No, not having a particularly good day here either. Gimme some Gandhi while you’re at it . . .

      Like

      1. I grew up around men who were as tactful as a Ball-Peen hammer. There was a sporting quality to returning fire in words that were fashioned differently than theirs. So I tended to wrap my “Fuck You”s up in a bow before delivery. Good times.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll go back, but it’s been a nice break. And I am not a misanthrope when it comes to technology. I simply feel the need to supplement rather than replace. It felt/feels really good, I’m not gonna lie.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a good thing I dig her stuff because it’s been playing pinball inside ‘me noggin for days on end. I had the Beatles competing with her today, but it was pretty much a dead heat.

      I haven’t heard of this show, but I’ll check it out. Gracias!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Wouldn’t it be great if I actually got an interview with him? Of course, I realize it will never happen. But . . if it did, it would be a really funny half a minute. After which he would ditch the interview because I wasn’t kissing his rear end.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You just have to pretend you’re the President of Bloglandia wishing to congratulate him on his tough stance on The Wall. Start with Kelly Ann, and she’ll put you through. 😀 You’d be famous if you got the interview, and your taxes would be audited. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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