Roman Numerals Gone Wild!

Super Bowl

The Chicago Bears will take on the New England Patriots in Atlanta tonight in the . . . oh shit, I’m sorry. I was thinking ahead to next year’s Super Bowl, my bad! This year it’s the Rams, next year the Bears and after that the Federal Regulatory Commission will force Bob Kraft to sell Tom Brady to science, with the rest of the team being sold for parts. Bill Belichick will be extradited to Gondor.

Lots has changed since the last time the Rams and Patriots met in the Super Bowl seventeen years ago. In Super Bowl 36, the St Louis Rams were heavy favorites, had the MVP quarterback and were going for their second title in three seasons. The Patriots had gotten to the big game on a fluke play, their head coach’s job security had been called into question a year prior, and their quarterback was a skinny backup named Brady who scored the starting job after starter Drew (Wally Pipp) Bledsoe went down with an injury.

Fast forward to now, and the Patriots are Team Google while the Rams are back in Los Angeles, even if most Angelenos are probably unaware of this fact. New England is the Vegas pick while the Rams are the new darlings of the dance. And the only reason I’m excited is because we’re gonna be chowing down on Jimmie John’s.

We’ll have a few things to say about those chowdah head fans who ain’t coming to Atlanta, seeing as how they’ve done it every other year for two and a half decades. And we’ll have a few more things to say about the Los Angeles Rams being a misnomer for displaced Lakers fans who got priced out of the Staples Center when LeBron hit town.

Some relatively true facts about the big game ? Why the hell not . . .

1- The Super Bowl was named after a bouncy ball.
2- The Detroit Lions are banned from Super Bowl competition as a result of their proximity to Canada.
3- Tickets to the first Super Bowl between the Green Bay Packers and Oakland Raiders went for $12. The price of a Super Bowl LIII game program goes for $18.
4- The Patriots pushed to seal records proving Tom Brady was a stonemason in medieval times, which would make him 1,543 years old. If the documents were to be released, New England’s titles would be vacated since vampires are only permitted to work for the league office.
5- After Miami won Super Bowl VII, Coach Don Shula’s watch was stolen by a fan who shook his hand on the field.
6- Even though Chik-fil-A has a restaurant inside Mercedes Benz Stadium, they won’t be open today on account of that other holy day.
7- Seventeen million people will call in sick tomorrow. No word yet as to whether the Trump administration will declare a national emergency.
8- Janet Jackson contemplated putting her famous Super Bowl halftime nipple up for auction at Sotheby’s before deciding against it. Her business manager explained that Jackson wished to hold onto her titular rights.
9- It is estimated that more than thirty percent of the ‘fans’ in attendance at this year’s game will write it off as a corporate expense.
10- More than two billion wings will be consumed during the Super Bowl. And this ain’t even mentioning the fact that the game essentially serves as Black Friday for pizzerias.

Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year when Americans can eat whatever the fuck they want, drink copious amounts of alcohol and behave like children. Check that, it’s the one day of the year when all that shit is celebrated. Some peeps even want to petition to make the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday. The petition drive never gets very far on account of the fact most of these peeps are alcoholics or degenerate gamblers. In most instances, both.

I don’t have a legit rooting interest seeing as how my Dolphins are conscientious objectors when it comes to the last game of the year. The last time I had a legit rooting interest in the Super Bowl, Budweiser was my beer of choice and I was going to marry my high school sweetheart(s).

Even my cat, Mr Speaker, is at a loss when it comes to the outcome of this year’s game. After correctly predicting the last two champions, we couldn’t get him to pick a winner this time around. Our voting system consists of post it notes and treats, but this year, he wasn’t having it. My daughter says it’s because he thought the system was rigged.

And he’s not even from New Orleans.

BREAKING NEWS . . . . After an impasse last night in which Mr Speaker refused to cast his vote, a special session was convened early this morning. The results of this ‘runoff’ have the Rams defeating the Patriots. 

72 thoughts on “Roman Numerals Gone Wild!

  1. I’m with the cat. I root for the non-cheater (or at least the not -so-obvious cheaters). I’m not a fan of all this nonsense, especially since there will be one person I’ll see tomorrow who I’ll be able to smell from the parking lot and then a lot closer once he hits the bathroom and goes all 1812 canons and goodness knows what the hell smell he creates is called.

    I am making homemade stromboli, though. Any excuse to make good bad-for-you food is fine with me. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Bwahaha! This was funny. The only other instance where Roman numerals are followed is on a certain Cheeto colored pol who thinks it’s ‘Malcolm Ten.’ As a consummate NE dispiser, I’ll be more than content with Puppy Bowl XV. A pox on the stonemason and especially for #87. Not at all keen on the cheating head coach either and please don’t get me started on that sandbagging offensive coordinator, Josh McD. Is there some rule where that team must replace all body fluids of coaches and players? 🧛🏻‍♂️Go Team Ruff. https://www.animalplanet.com/tv-shows/puppy-bowl/

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are correct, Monika!
      I love Puppy Bowl. It’s always an exciting game, always right down to the end.
      Pox noted.
      All I know is enough IS enough. They gotta pass a law . . no more New England! Of course, they’ll probably break the law . . .

      Muchisimas gracias! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, I’m a Steelers fan. Yes, I’m a fan generally of all things sports (which means I do not follow “professional” wrestling). Yes, every year I swear off the NFL because I think there is something fundamentally evil about the league and I can’t stand its dominance of American sports. Yes, to all of this.

    And yes, every year I end up watching far more of the NFL than I really wanted to — although I am getting better about it.

    And yes, every year I swear off the Super Bowl. Particularly those years when the Patriots are in it. As a lifelong Steelers fan, I can’t stand the idea of any team getting to six Super Bowl victories before the Steelers get their 7th. So, yes, I swear I am not watching this frickin’ game today.

    So, yes, this morning I’m putting the ingredients for pozole in the slow cooker. Then I’m going for a run. Eventually I will make grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, then take a nap and wake up in time to watch the damn game while I edit my novel in progress. Because dammit. DAMMIT!

    And yes, I swear I’m not going to drink beer while watching the damn game because, you know, I’m trying to cut back on the nectar of the gods.

    So, yes, somewhere in there I’m going to find the time to run up to the grocery store and get me a six pack. So, yes, I’ll probably be drinking beer and watching the game. My feet up on the coffee table.

    And yes, I probably won’t do any of that editing because … I just won’t.

    Because dammit. Frickin’ NFL.

    And extra special dammit … this is the year when I think another team will finally catch the Steelers. Did I mention … Frickin’ NFL and those cheating Patriots.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Mark,

      The Steelers are slowly but surely coming apart at their talented seams. First Bell and now Brown. They still have lots of talent, but I don’t know . . .

      And evil huh? Yeah, I think when a sport’s boss plays keep away on something like CTE for the longest time, evil would apply.

      I watched a smattering of football this year. I watched two Miami games, one of which was partial. I didn’t tune into MNF much. It was here and there. I actually paid more attention to the Browns since they were fun.

      And you have better ideas . . far better ideas going on today than the game, dude! Pozole and grilled sammys!

      Buahahaha!

      Go Rams!

      Liked by 1 person

        • You just can’t lose two players of that caliber in a calendar year and not feel the effects. Especially with Ben’s age being taken into consideration as well.

          As for the game last night. It blew! I nodded off in the second quarter. I didn’t even drink, anything, because I was tired and didn’t want to feel like crap this morning. Ugh . . .

          Liked by 2 people

          • From a football perspective, pretty much the worst SB ever. From a Steelers’ fan perspective, the only thing worse would have been if the Steelers were in the game and lost.

            They can no longer claim top of the heap status.

            And in the beating a dead horse category … it will be a long time before the Steelers get back to the dance.

            Liked by 2 people

          • It totally blew. The only silver lining I took from the debacle was the game Brian Flores coached on the defensive side of the ball. Since he’ll be the boss in Miami now. But of course, he’s going without any of his hosses, so who knows? But I hope for the best.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. B,

    First sentence and I’m thinking… wha??? Funny you.
    And um… do tell, did you write Super Bowl 36 coz you never did learn how to write Roman Numerals?
    Team Google – I’d laugh ‘cepting it’s the bloody truth, isn’t it?

    I swear, that Bouncy Ball link – I know it says it was written by Gil Troy but I swear I could so easily see YOU as writing it… just the right same amount of snark and word play as you are so friggen good at.

    What? Why you dissing on Canada again?
    For sure this is National Emergency Stuff…
    I’m making triple lemon pepper wings…

    As if we need an excuse to over-indulge already…
    Wow… Budweiser was your beer of choice – that says just how long ago that was 😉

    Helll, even Harry Potter is rooting for the Rams…
    https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/daniel-radcliffe-tom-brady_us_5c4e5b03e4b06ba6d3be505c?ec_carp=8363507895328385960

    See ya on the flip side…. burp!

    Q

    Liked by 2 people

  5. WOW!!! I feel as if I took a course in the Super Bowl, that alas, I know very little about even though every bar in the neighborhood has been advertising their big screen TVs, and free Mozzarella sticks which, I’ll admit, makes this Italian girl a little interested.
    My favorite part are your quasi, true facts. I’m so gullible, when I first read them, thought they were all true.
    You got me there.
    Well, I guess it’s a good night to get a good seat at a pizza place. You were right on that one.

    Hope your team wins. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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