I’m not sure what in the hell happened here, but this week’s installment of Heroes got messier than Jackson Pollack at a rib eating contest. Uglier than a Westboro Baptist pot luck. And more hopeless than the New York Giants chances next season.
Horrible Bosses: Part Douche- When James Dolan took over as New York Knicks owner in 1999, they were a team with ups. They’d reached the NBA finals for the second time in five seasons and sported twelve straight playoff appearances.
Twenty years of Dolan has produced a minor league shit storm charging major league prices. Under Boss Dolan, the Knicks have . . .
- Traded for a player (Latrell Sprewell) who choked his former coach
- Settled an $11 million sexual harassment lawsuit against then GM Isaiah Thomas. Dolan later hired Thomas to coach his WNBA team! (You can’t make this shit up).
- Turned two Hall of Fame head coaches-Larry Brown and Phil Jackson- into caricatures.
- Had Knicks legend Charles Oakley escorted from MSG for being critical of the inept owner.
- Have gone from a perennial playoff contender to a perennial lottery team. They have one playoff series win since 2000. They lost a franchise record 65 games in 2015. They lost a franchise record 18 games in a row this season. They’ve missed the playoffs for the sixth consecutive season.
The world’s most famous arena has become a gulag, with Dolan its inept czar. This dolt had a fan banished from the arena last week for having the audacity (common sense) to tell him he should sell the team. If Knicks fans have any pride left, they would start chanting that sentiment at every single home game. Better yet, they should stay home until the NBA commissioner is forced to take action.
I’m not watching a single minute of the jackpot jerk-off jubilee known as March Madness. It’s a bingo game manipulated by suits. Get back to me when a sixteen seed wins the tournament. I’ll wait . . .
Biggest Loser- Throughout his MLB career, Jose Canseco was a muscle bound, loud mouthed jerk nobody liked. Since retiring, nothing has changed. And it’s one thing if the dude wanted to juice himself up for short term gain, that’s on him. But when he started diming out fellow players for taking steroids, his resume was complete. He’s an asshole and a rat.
A jerk-off like this can’t be satisfied until he pisses on every single person who ever meant anything to him. So his recent allegation that A-Rod slept with Canseco’s ex-wife is unfortunate, yet predictable. His ex shot down the claims, so Canseco challenged A-Rod to take a polygraph.
If Canseco had been a mobster, he’d be seaweed by now.
Utah never makes the list of worst fan bases in sports. But Jazz fans . . . suck. Big time.
Graduating with Hard Time- I gotta say, this whole “Operation Varsity Blues” scandal had me conflicted. On the one hand, I was like . . These parents went all Madoff for their kids . . that’s love! And on the other hand, I was like Madoff was a lying cheat of a scumbag who gamed the system simply because he could . . . they suck!
Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are the big names, but this pond is deep with influential power brokers. Basically, they bent the college admissions process over and fucked the shit out of it. Because they could. And because too many universities are really good at double speak when it comes to integrity and all that jazz. But money and influence sings opera.
This story sucks on so many levels. It speaks of the corruption that is rife in academia. It speaks of raging entitlement. And worst of all, they trampled the memory of an excellent flick about high school football. Varsity Blues, the movie, deserved better. These parents are on their own.
Not Beta . . Beto. No . . not buttah, Beto! Aww, fuck it.
Who Needs E-Harmony?- Leonel Marines, a former police sergeant in Bradenton, Florida didn’t feel the need to swipe left or right. Not when he already had access to the records of hundreds of available females in his area.
An investigation revealed that Marines used his position to gain access to the personal information of these women. After which he would conduct ‘investigations’ which included phone calls, surveillance and in some cases even house calls. This perverse Orwellian scenario has been handed over to the FBI, and let’s just say Marines next date will happen behind bars.
He best get used to the bottom bunk.
Oh by the way. The war on drugs is still a thing.
We live in a swarm of corruption with systems so diseased we couldn’t get a plug nickel on their worthless dollar bills. And Trump is still President of the United States because NBC fired him.
So thank you to Biology Professor Emeritus George P. Smith of the University of Missouri for breaking the skein at four in this weekly Heroes installment. He is the necessary smile to answer this clown quartet with.
Smith is a recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in Chemistry. And with more than forty years worth of teaching under his belt, and biking to school every day, and listening to brilliantly imaginative excuses on why a research paper wasn’t done on time . . the dude could’ve just dropped the mike right there. He had a big fat check for two hundred and fifty Grover Cleveland’s to play with, which is a hell of an excuse to call in sick for a week. Or for good.
Smith didn’t do that, and what’s more . . he didn’t even keep the money. He’s giving it to the kids. After which the University of Missouri opened its pockets and added three hundred thousand dollars to the fund. Half a million untwisted, crystal clean dollars. Brains and influence, without the shady business.
How crazy is that?