When life hands you spam, make fun of it

Spam

Fucking spam.

We all have to deal with it. And while it probably makes more sense to just delete the shit, sometimes I just can’t help myself. When I decide to venture down the rabbit hole, I do a number on these fucking things. As I did recently with a very urgent message I received informing me I had come into a great deal of money. And before you start shaking your head, let me assure you this one was legit. He wasn’t even a Prince!

Here then is the email I received, followed by my earnest reply.

Dear Email Owner,

COMPENSATION FUNDS PAYMENT ORDER VIA ATM CARD

This is to inform you that we have been working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam Artists in Africa with the help of the Organization of African Unity (OAU) United Nations (UN), European Union (EU) and FBI.

During the course of investigation, they were able to recovered some funds from these scam artists and IMF organization have ordered the funds recovered to be shared among the 10 Lucky people listed around the World as a compensation. This notice is been directed to you because your email address was found in one of the scam Artists file and computer hard-disk while the investigation, maybe you have been scammed. You are therefore being compensated with sum of $4.5M  valid into an (ATM Card Number 4848421013879602).

Since your email address is among the lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation funds, we have arranged your payment to be paid to you through ATM VISA CARD and deliver to your postal address with the Pin Numbers as to enable you withdrawal maximum of $5,000  on each withdrawal from any Bank ATM Machine of your choice, until all the funds are exhausted.

The ATM Card with Security Pin Numbers shall be delivered to you using Express Mail Service (DHL).

The package is coming from Benin Republic. don’t forget to reconfirm your following information.

1. Your Full Name:

2. Address Where You want us to Send Your ATM Card

3. Cell/Mobile Number:

We advice you to stop all the communications with everyone regarding your payment as we have short listed to deliver to you and now urge you to comply and receive your ATM Card funds.

Thanks for your understanding as you follow instructions while I wait to hear from you today. You can contact me through this my alternative email address:

Yours in Services

Mr. Eric Moor,

IMF ORGANIZATION

 

My man,

I was about to delete this email, and then Jesus suggested I read it. For a degenerate drug dealer, he’s good people. I’m not gonna lie, to come into this kind of money here in the states, we either play PowerBall or wait for a wealthy relative to drop dead. I had a sugar mama for a while, until she scored a gig as Speaker of the House and I lost her to Twitter.

As for your offer, not to be ungrateful, but four and a half million US dollars doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to. Add interest rates and ATM fees and your ‘gift’ starts feeling more like a bill. I’d blame Obama, but I’m not a racist. So Imma supply you with a counter offer instead. That’s what we Americans do . . we negotiate, everything. Did you know you can negotiate your bill at Waffle House? Yep, I only paid twenty bucks (and a gently used Target gift card) for five All Star Specials! 

Anyways, here’s what I’m asking for in lieu of dollar bills . . .

– A bachelor farmhouse in Hudson Valley New York. Within pizza delivery range of Vera Farmiga’s house.
– A signed copy of Alec Baldwin’s expletive laden wedding vows.
– Bill Murray’s real cell phone number.
– Dinner with Tupac. He can be reached at the Hotel Saratoga in Havana, Cuba. 
– A Bengal Tiger.
– Weekly visits from parishioners of the Westboro Baptist Church (I gotta feed the tiger).
– A 10 day contract with the Miami Heat.
– Bonsai tree making lessons.
– An 80’s arcade room.
– A 1961 midnight blue Lincoln Continental with silver interior.
– A beer waterfall.
– Tickets to the moon (round trip).
– A notarized letter from Paul Simon in which he states explicitly that the song ‘Mother and Child Reunion’ is in fact, about Chinese food. 
– Pizza on demand. Forever. 
– A partridge in a pear tree. 

As for my physical address, please send any correspondence to the Vatican in Rome, Suite 316. And in order to expedite the process, use “Covfefe” as my middle name so I can distinguish it from all other mail I receive from the Benin Republic. 

My cell phone number is 867-5309. 

Hoping this letter finds you well, and that Dateline NBC hasn’t caught up with you just yet. May the force be with you, the odds be ever in your favor and may you keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. 

Yours in Solidarity, 

Charles Ponzi

34 thoughts on “When life hands you spam, make fun of it

  1. Dear Charles Ponzi,

    Thank you for starting my day with laughter. Tragically people fall for this shit every day. And for the record, I think your demands are reasonable.
    I’m still trying to figure out why there’s at least 10 spams in my WordPress file a day. Most of them have been left on a story page from November of 2016. First of all, I don’t read Russian. I don’t care about sexy girl pictures. Men, I might consider. While I appreciate the offers to make my site bring in a sizable sum of money if I just follow directions, I’m just a tad skeptical.
    Again…love this post.

    Signed with shalom,

    Nacho Fool.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rochelle,

      I was laboring over what to do with my Spam spills that are currently being detained for further evaluation. So then I decided to check my email and I found this ditty. There is another spam email that caught my eye, and Imma have to write back to her (I’ll post my reply). It was basically an extortion! And she wants to be paid in bit coins. I’m actually really looking forward to that one, LOL.
      I can’t lie, I was a little disappointed in the fact this dude wasn’t a prince. It’s like . . what? I’m not deserving of royalty? So you work for the IMF, so what? Have you SEEN what’s happened to global currency? Pffft!
      I’m glad you dig my reply. And oh by the way, I await his reply. But I’m not holding my breath. 😉

      Shalom,

      Marco “Madoff with the dough” Ponzi

      Like

  2. I didn’t know you were related to Jenny Jenny… who can I turn to?

    You don’t need Bonsai tree lessons. Just watch The Karate Kid. Close eye. Visualize tree. Get good picture. Open eye. Remember tree? (yeah) Make like tree.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hola Mr. Ponzi,
    I want to laugh at this post but I have this overwhelming feeling of anger. You have a great attitude by taking the time to respond to this trash. Me … not so much.
    The items that sit in between their legs must be soooo huge that their only recourse is to sit before a computer screen and harass people. Me … I can’t handle all that SPAM in my box. Don’t be jealous but – I am receiving much more important spam. Like: how would I like to have a larger penis? HUH … I’m a woman. 2. How would I like to have an erection for a long, long time? HUH … no. I’m a woman. 3. How would I like to experience hot sexy sex with a black man with a penis so big that he will rock my world? HUH … I’m a woman not a wine barrel.
    Oh … enough frivolity … 😀 … I wish I could have a sense of humor about this crap but my time is valuable – when you’re old time can’t be wasted – and I need to use my time effectively.
    Life too short for bullshit 😳
    Have a happy Sunday
    Isadora 👍😉😎

    Liked by 1 person

    • Buahahahaha!
      Isadora, this comment is priceless!

      I think Imma make my love letters to Spamsters a more regular thing on the blog. I find some therapy in this exercise. Of course, I usually delete ’em. But every once in a while I just have to let loose, for shits and giggles. I have one that I received recently that was basically an extortion! I think that one will be next.

      Don’t let the bastids get you down, they ain’t worth it. 🙂

      Happy Sunday!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lol 😊 i guess looking at spam in a humorous way can be a fun twist. I just wish they could delete without causing issues. Keep them coming and I’ll learn to laugh about them. Glad you enjoyed my comment. I was a little concerned i went a little overboard. Thanks for the life raft.👍😬😎

        Liked by 1 person

  4. B-Ponz,

    You are da man. I can’t believe my day was such that I’m behind in responding to this. In my defence, was my boy’s birthday yesterday and I didn’t get to my emails at all till now.

    When you said you were going to do something with your SPAM folder, I never imagined this. (‘Course, I was waiting for your prompt challenge 😏)

    So good. Your snark at its best.

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

  5. really fun stuff here – talent to write humor like this.
    some favs:
    I gotta feed the tiger – (bah – still laugh when I think of that inserted like that)
    wasn’t even a prince (wow – surprising)
    what we Americans do . . we negotiate, everything. (true)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Prior,

      It’s one way to beat back at all that Spam. This ’round’ of endless Spam pretty much sucked. But I was able to cull two worthwhile missives from the bunch and bring them to life.
      Feeding tigers is paramount to the sanity of mankind after all. Once those magnificent creatures are stricken from the earth, all will be lost. Westboro Baptists for them is a solid trade off, for humanity’s sake.
      Yeah! I wanted a Prince dammit! LOL
      And we negotiate everything. Hell . . we even find new ways to use the word- negotiate- because we love it so . . .

      Liked by 1 person

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