We all have to deal with it. And while it probably makes more sense to just delete the shit, sometimes I just can’t help myself. When I decide to venture down the rabbit hole, I do a number on these fucking things. As I did recently with a very urgent message I received informing me I had come into a great deal of money. And before you start shaking your head, let me assure you this one was legit. He wasn’t even a Prince!
Here then is the email I received, followed by my earnest reply.
Dear Email Owner,
COMPENSATION FUNDS PAYMENT ORDER VIA ATM CARD
This is to inform you that we have been working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam Artists in Africa with the help of the Organization of African Unity (OAU) United Nations (UN), European Union (EU) and FBI.
During the course of investigation, they were able to recovered some funds from these scam artists and IMF organization have ordered the funds recovered to be shared among the 10 Lucky people listed around the World as a compensation. This notice is been directed to you because your email address was found in one of the scam Artists file and computer hard-disk while the investigation, maybe you have been scammed. You are therefore being compensated with sum of $4.5M valid into an (ATM Card Number 4848421013879602).
Since your email address is among the lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation funds, we have arranged your payment to be paid to you through ATM VISA CARD and deliver to your postal address with the Pin Numbers as to enable you withdrawal maximum of $5,000 on each withdrawal from any Bank ATM Machine of your choice, until all the funds are exhausted.
The ATM Card with Security Pin Numbers shall be delivered to you using Express Mail Service (DHL).
The package is coming from Benin Republic. don’t forget to reconfirm your following information.
1. Your Full Name:
2. Address Where You want us to Send Your ATM Card
3. Cell/Mobile Number:
We advice you to stop all the communications with everyone regarding your payment as we have short listed to deliver to you and now urge you to comply and receive your ATM Card funds.
Thanks for your understanding as you follow instructions while I wait to hear from you today. You can contact me through this my alternative email address:
Yours in Services
Mr. Eric Moor,
I was about to delete this email, and then Jesus suggested I read it. For a degenerate drug dealer, he’s good people. I’m not gonna lie, to come into this kind of money here in the states, we either play PowerBall or wait for a wealthy relative to drop dead. I had a sugar mama for a while, until she scored a gig as Speaker of the House and I lost her to Twitter.
As for your offer, not to be ungrateful, but four and a half million US dollars doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to. Add interest rates and ATM fees and your ‘gift’ starts feeling more like a bill. I’d blame Obama, but I’m not a racist. So Imma supply you with a counter offer instead. That’s what we Americans do . . we negotiate, everything. Did you know you can negotiate your bill at Waffle House? Yep, I only paid twenty bucks (and a gently used Target gift card) for five All Star Specials!
Anyways, here’s what I’m asking for in lieu of dollar bills . . .
– A bachelor farmhouse in Hudson Valley New York. Within pizza delivery range of Vera Farmiga’s house.
– A signed copy of Alec Baldwin’s expletive laden wedding vows.
– Bill Murray’s real cell phone number.
– Dinner with Tupac. He can be reached at the Hotel Saratoga in Havana, Cuba.
– A Bengal Tiger.
– Weekly visits from parishioners of the Westboro Baptist Church (I gotta feed the tiger).
– A 10 day contract with the Miami Heat.
– Bonsai tree making lessons.
– An 80’s arcade room.
– A 1961 midnight blue Lincoln Continental with silver interior.
– A beer waterfall.
– Tickets to the moon (round trip).
– A notarized letter from Paul Simon in which he states explicitly that the song ‘Mother and Child Reunion’ is in fact, about Chinese food.
– Pizza on demand. Forever.
– A partridge in a pear tree.
As for my physical address, please send any correspondence to the Vatican in Rome, Suite 316. And in order to expedite the process, use “Covfefe” as my middle name so I can distinguish it from all other mail I receive from the Benin Republic.
My cell phone number is 867-5309.
Hoping this letter finds you well, and that Dateline NBC hasn’t caught up with you just yet. May the force be with you, the odds be ever in your favor and may you keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.
Yours in Solidarity,