In honor of the final season of Game of Thrones, Imma share seven stories in honor of the seven kingdoms for this weeks Heroes installment. To those of you who do not possess a relationship status with the show, just imagine Congress . . only fun. And with dragons.
Okay, it’s not that cutthroat.
Shit Showtime- Magic Johnson as a zero of my week? Actually . . yeah. Listen, the dude has achieved his Rushmore. On the court. But as coach and then President of the Lakers, the dude wasn’t willing to put in the time necessary to succeed. His resignation as President mirrored his brief tenure- quick, un-involved and disconnected. Contrary to popular opinion, I think Magic’s stepping down is the best thing that could have happened to the Lakers in the short term. Jeannie Buss should be on the phone to Jerry West and Pat Riley, offering the keys to the kingdom. It won’t happen, but it should.
You can’t take it with you. Oh wait, yes you can- What do you do on the other side of buying your own private island for eight million dollars? You go shoplifting at K-Mart, of course! Which is what Andrew Lippi did, stealing more than $300 worth of merchandise from a K-Mart in Key West, Florida. He purchased items, replaced them with cheaper items and then returned them for a refund. My personal favorite? He bought a Keurig, replaced the coffee maker with a basketball and then returned it.
Two questions beg answering. Why in the name of Richard Branson’s steel balls does a millionaire with several peach properties to his name need to be playing three card monte with coffee machines and LED light bulbs? And perhaps an even more important question. Why is there a K-Mart in Key West?
The Suns and Daughter of Discovery- Katie Bouman is a twenty nine year old assistant professor of computing and mathematical sciences at California Institute of Technology. She spends her days developing uber-sophisticated blueprints on the genome of space. There is excruciatingly precise detail involved in figuring out the math of this mystical parking lot, but the MIT grad knows her business. Thanks to an algorithm Bouman developed, the Event Horizon telescope snapped a photograph of a black hole whose address is some fifty five million light years away.
And oh yeah, it’s the first image we’ve ever had of a black hole. Ever. So while Bouman ain’t got social media cred or a line of sneakers with her name on them . . she’s doing the business of not just the whole wide world, but the universe to boot. In summation, Bouman took us on a trip to forever after while LeBron couldn’t even take the Lakers to the playoffs.
Soul Food- Country music singer Brad Paisley and his wife Kimberly do grocery shopping like nobody’s business. The couple recently broke ground on a grocery store in Nashville. This particular grocery store will offer big savings to its clientele. How big? Welp, try absolutely free.
1 in 7 people and 1 in 5 children deal with food insecurity in Nashville, and the store will serve those in need by lending them a helping hand. Brad and his wife were inspired to do this beautiful thing after visiting a similar store in California. And while Brad is best known for strumming a guitar, he’s got big talent when it comes to giving back.
Pre-K Kelly Strikes Again- Just when you think R. Kelly couldn’t get any lower comes word that his recent ‘concert’ for fans in Springfield, Illinois lasted exactly twenty eight seconds. And that he charged $100 bucks for the honor. It took me fifty six seconds to write this, so I just lapped his ass.
Just Call Him Roger Stone Age- The former GOP strategist and avid indictment collector hopped on the Trump bandwagon this week. Yanno, the one that serves up a beat down to dead people? Stone lashed out at the late Barbara Bush, calling her “nasty, rude, self-important and entitled and a vindictive drunk”. Not all at once, but in a series of rambling attacks on the former First Lady.
And in keeping with his former Boss, Stone saved his worst for last when he took to Instagram and pontificated on the 2016 primaries in which Trump laid waste to the Bush dynasty. In a vicious rebuke to Barbara Bush’s “countdown clock” on the Trump presidency, Stone said “Well, she’s dead and he’s President- who won that one?”.
How do you possibly counter such a miserable outlook on people as Stone possesses? Imma borrow a spit shine solution from E.E. Cummings and just say that Hatred bounces.
Singh his praises- Jay Singh is a 7-Eleven store owner in Toledo Ohio who’s just trying to make ends meet. Running a convenience store ain’t the easiest gig, what with small margins and long hours and peeps trying to dig into those profits by taking your inventory free of charge.
Which is exactly what happened recently when an employee at the store informed Singh that a teenager was shoplifting. Singh went back and checked the cameras and sure enough, the kid in question had a serious case of the hot pockets. And so at this point, you wouldn’t have blamed the guy for dialing up 911. Because, yanno . . he’s got a business to run? And he’s not related to the Paisleys.
Singh did no such thing. Instead he asked the young shoplifter a simple question. Why? To which the kid replied that he was hungry, and that he was stealing food for himself and his kid brother. It was all Singh needed to hear.
The store owner went on a mini-shopping spree- collecting sausage rolls and sandwiches, chips and pizza and a 2 liter soda for the young man. Because he thought it a better idea to give him something rather than take something away by having him arrested. Because Singh’s bottom line doesn’t begin and end with cash money. Because sometimes, it really is better to give than to receive. Singh’s gesture inspired one of his customers- Cedric Bishop- to give the kid a ten spot. I mean, can you imagine being inside that moment with these people? It must have felt as if God was watering the lawn.
I like that idea just fine.