In the immortal words of the late, great James Brown . . my spam folder doesn’t know karate, but it knows crazy. I’d bring in a forensic scientist to study the crime scene, but those peeps would soak me in bar tabs and donut runs. So instead, I’ll expunge the poison via my handy dandy WordPress blog. It’s about total transparency. So don’t judge. Okay . . just kidding, judge. It’s way more fun that way.
For my latest Spam files share, this one isn’t a correspondence. I tried writing to my pun pal, but it bounced back. Shocker. So instead, I’ve taken to writing between the lines of this shake down missive, which I’ve titled The Hand Me Down.
Hi Marcanthony017,
I will not laugh at you. Read our message carefully. Our group will not hurt you if you obey.
They ripped this opening line off a GOP mailer.
There are too many differnet instructions about protection on the web space- virtual private network ; install the latest antivirus base; clip webcam with the adhesive tape. But you think that this is not necessary.
I would prefer they inject the virus- or any virus, really- into my eyeballs with a syringe, if it spared me from reading this warbling shit spaghetti of a paraplegic paragraph.
There are something about 1550 victims that installed my virus.It was uploaded on fake web-site with flash player. Users installed everything and did not suspect any danger, as you know this plug-in should be installed on operative systems to play video files.You were not exception and now also have big problems.
What kind of sparrow crap operation are you running if you’re giving me approximations? Something about 1,550 victims ain’t nillying my willie. I need painfully accurate details, and this duct tape arcade is giving me pennies on the quarter.
My built-in parser reacted to calls to porn-sites in your connections. Immediately when you clicked on a play button the malicious soft activated your web-cam to catch you caressing your body. After my virus copied a vid which you watched on your device. My formgrabber deleted coockies and got all passwords from your social media that you have visited from last Monday. We made a copy of the contacts with your friends, collegues and relatives.
Not to be a nudge, but if I were found to be ‘caressing’ my body whilst checked in to a yank and spank site . . . wouldn’t that make ME the ‘formgrabber’? And what was I watching? Because if you catch me on hetero or gay porn sites, I’m pretty sure I (wait for it) get off with a (wait for it) slap on the wrist. Short of raccoon on groundhog porn, you got nada.
Let’s put it all together… I got video with you caressing your body; contact list with your friends, collegues and relatives; video which you were watching on the screen.
Alright, here comes the shake down . . .
You can help yourself you must pay me 450 usd with btc
Told ya.
BITCOIN
You know how people ask if they have to spell it out for you? Welp, these peeps literally spelled it out for me! I’m . . . flattered?
What’s in quotes!
What kind of piss poor Slim Shady soliloquy are they dealing up? Because as you can plainly see, there were no quotes. They were too busy spelling things out for me.
You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase,Bitstamp or Coinmama
Hey extortionists! You know what would be really helpful for me? The extortionee? Yeah, if you included a REAL dollar amount. Don’t be giving me the USD value of a fucking bitcoin. I’m not a character in “Ready Player One”, so don’t virtual my ching. Keep it dimensional for me. It’s called fucking etiquette man, we’re not barbarians!
Decide yourself- be a star among friends or pay little bit not to lose your habitual life.
I don’t know about you, but they make the former seem like a much more preferable outcome for yours truly.
Cops cant help. We use bot network, also we do not live in your country. You cant find my ip in a header of this message.
Because the first thing I’d want to do as a formgrabber is call the cops and divulge every last particular. I’m sure they would be straight up serious about such a ‘hands on’ approach.
If you have some problems write me back.
Oh shit .. this was her way of asking me out on a date . . .
Carlene Safranek
Bonefish Grille, tomorrow night at 8, Carlene. I’ll be the straight up Martini sitting in the corner vibing to Jack Johnson. You’re paying.
I received a very similar email about a week ago. It went straight into my spam folder, which I don’t check on a regular basis. The emailer gave me 72 hours to pay $2,000 USD by Bitcoin and helpfully told me that if I didn’t know how to pay by Bitcoin I could go to Google and figure it out. Anyway, the email was sent on April 7. I didn’t read it until April 10. So somewhere very close to the 72 hour cutoff. Sadly, now all my friends and contacts know I’m a wanker. Right? I mean the email was real wasn’t it? Surprised my wife hasn’t said anything to me about it yet.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Mark,
You done missed the cutoff time. But hey, on the bright side, you ARE a star among your friends now. And in this day and age, it doesn’t matter how you achieve stardom.
And dammit, I had a feeling I wasn’t the only one Carlene and her friends were writing to on this count. I was so pissed, showing up at Bonefish and having to foot the bill because I got stood up.
I’m jealous that you got the Google tip. No such help from Carlene. She’s cold, calculating and would probably kill me in my sleep. Pretty much my kind of woman.
Thank you for the hilarious comment. And no, I’m not pulling your chain, I mean it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bwahaha..I should be so lucky to get that kind of ‘action.’ What the eff is wrong with people? Ugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve never had a woman ask me for bitcoins before. It was a first.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And as far as what is wrong with people . . . hmmm. Everything?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Boy, ain’t THAT the truth!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!
Hey . . . it’s a double dose of good day today! Not ONLY is it Game of Thrones night, it’s also Dale’s birthday!
LikeLiked by 1 person
A very big day indeed. All best wishes for our favorite Montrealer. 🎉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I shall wear my Canadiens t-shirt in her honour. AND I shall spell stuff with a U! Only . . don’t tell her that, she’ll think it’s an every day thing . . .
LikeLiked by 1 person
Too bad the Habs missed the playoffs. But the honoring is a nice touch nonetheless. He scores!!! 🏒
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep your peeps close and your special peeps closer is what I say. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m with you on the Bitcoin come on. I’ve never been asked by a female for Bitcoin. If I had been asked I would have blown the date for sure. “B-bitcoin? What kind of protection is that?”Anyway, I liked the visual of the straight-up martini at the Bonefish Grill. Order me a Tanqueray on the rocks. Two olives, please.
LikeLiked by 2 people
My kinda guy… Tanqueray martini for me, boss, also with two olives.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Boom! And BOOM!
Hell, Imma take one too! You guys make veering off the usual sound like way too much fun!
Three Tanquerays and double down on those olives across the board. Schweet!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Woot! Woot!
Schweet! And cheers, Lads!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cheers!
And . . . . HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🍻
And. . . . THANK YOU!!!
MWAH!
LikeLike
Just in case Stevie Wonder isn’t allowed cross the border on YouTube . . . it’s his Happy Birthday song . . . 🍻🍻🍻🍻
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m in luck. This one was allowed to cross! 🍻🍻🍻🍻😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Get . . . . OUT!!!!
They must know it’s your birthday.
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
I kid you not!
They – the all powerful They – must!
😘😚😘😚
LikeLiked by 1 person
They . . are like, everywhere!
Today? They don’t actually suck. They must know it’s . . . yeah. 😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E
They don’t. Coz. Yanno…💋
LikeLiked by 1 person
The 2 Cellos Fellos Say Hellos . . .
And Happy Birthday! ! ! !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Woot! The 2 Cello Fellos to boot!
You’re spoiling me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spoilage is perfectly acceptable on your birthday.
It ain’t easy finding Happy Birthday songs! LOL
LikeLiked by 2 people
I accept with full and grateful heart.
I think you done good…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Happy Boom Boom Birthday Q.
Much love to the Belle of the Birthday Ball!
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
B. You are the bestest.
Much love to the band leader!
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Much love back atcha!
And the Beatles don’t want to be left out with their rendition of YOUR birthday song.
LikeLiked by 1 person
MAAAWAHHH!
🥰🥰😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
MUAHAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
😗😗😗😗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why thank you. You are so kind to remember!
MWAH!
😚😚😚😚
LikeLiked by 1 person
MUAH!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
MWAH!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
You da bestest birthday babe!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww shucks… you’re gonna turn my head 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
The way YOU turn heads? Like that? . . .
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh you! Stawp… don’t 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ooooohhh… such a great musical selection I am getting this morning!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know great music, so come now lady . . I gots to supply! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think when it comes to music, you most definitely have a great connection. Lucky for me 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I gotta be on it with the company I keep. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Saweet!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not cavity-sweet, tho 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course . . .
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve never been asked for Bitcoin either, until now.
Buahahaha!
You got it Boss, 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well damn, B,
I’m a tad jealous now. I haven’t had any “offers I should not refuse” from any Carlo..
I was gonna make a comment about that situation you are accused of doing in front of your computer cam but no matter how I phrase it, it comes out — well. Ahem. So I won’t.
You do have a knack with these and I, for one, am enjoying them tremendously!
Gmme your bitcoins or Imma tell the world you are ________________
Q
LikeLiked by 1 person
Q,
Don’t you worry, Carlo will be calling on you. And he best not ask for Bitcoin . . is all I’m saying.
Don’t you worry, I’m the antonym of prude . . in spades. I actually liked the idea of being a ‘star’ with my friends. I never realized what a skanky exhibitionist I am!
Oooooooohhhhhh! I know this game!!!
B
LikeLike
I shall keep you posted if’n he does.
Oh, I have no doubt of that.. spades, clubs, diamonds and hearts. You should like it and you are such a floozie.
Yessiree, that you do, eh?
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’ll have to write about it. Have to . . .
I am guilty as charged. I blame the Tanqueray I haven’t even partaken of yet, LOL.
Did I wish you a Happy Birthday yet? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
That I will. 😁
Guilty by association 🍸🍸
Nope. Don’t think so. Thank you! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
We should start an association called GUILT. It just makes sense, doesn’t it?
🍻🍻🍸🍸💗💗😘😘🎂🎂
MUAHPPY BIRTHDAY!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It does! I’m in! Do I have to sign anything?
🍻🍸💞😘🍻🍸💞🥰
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not today. Not on your birthday. And anybody who tries telling ya different . . . I’ll deal with ’em.
😘😘💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
You were not kidding, were ya?
Lucky me to have you in my corner.
😘🥰😘🥰
LikeLiked by 1 person
I never kid. Okay, I rarely kid. Okay . . sometimes and sometimes more than sometimes but not ALL the time. Okay, I kid lots . . lots.
But not this time. This time I do not kid.
Luckier to have you in mine.
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent progression to the troof!
Not this time, eh? K.
Then we are doubly lucky.
💋😘😘💋
LikeLiked by 1 person
The troof! The troof! The troof is on FIIAAHHH!!!
😘😘🎂🎂😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
You, sir, are certifiable.
I like it.
😘😚🔥🔥😘😚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey . . I resemble that remark! 😉
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
That you do. If it’s any consolation, takes one to know one. 😁
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes . . yes it does! Buahahahahahaha!
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Buahahaha!
Have you counted the kisses yet?
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
Ummm . . . I counted lots.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And lots and lots!!
That’s 30 right there!
😘X50
LikeLiked by 1 person
BOOM! 😗😗😗😗
TIMES 50 MORE!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you missed a spot.
😚😚😚😚
LikeLiked by 1 person
😚😚😚😚 . . . .
There! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep! That was it! xoxo
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know what happens when you run out of spots, dontcha? You start over!
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hooooo-eeeeee!
😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know it, hot stuff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sizzle! 🔥🔥
LikeLiked by 1 person
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ya baby!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ya mean . . . YA BAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooot!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
MUAH!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
MWAH!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love ya to bits.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As do I. Love you too, B.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hands on approach!
Ha
And other things you write – you argue well and to add the humor is a gift –
–
LikeLiked by 1 person
Buahahaha!
Why thank you kindly, Ms Prior.
You have to laugh at the things that ain’t gonna change.
LikeLiked by 1 person
yup
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
*exhausted from scrolling alllllllllllllll the way down past the lovefest up there to leave this comment*… …. … *naps*…. ……
OK, I’m back.
I lost it at ‘obey’ then at ‘groundhog porn’ I was all. WHAT?! I get the groundhog porn idea came from a GOP email, too, right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
*bet… I bet, not get.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bet that! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
The groundhog porn idea was all Ted Cruz. I thought the bastid simply shot the poor things . . I had no idea . . .
LikeLiked by 1 person
I believe it. Now why wasn’t THAT on the cover that grocery rag instead of his dad maybe helping to kill Kennedy?
LikeLiked by 1 person
For some reason, the media has a groundhog bias or something. Once a year is all they get. Bill Murray tried his damndest to change the thinking . . but to no avail.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think Punxsutawney Phil has a really good agent. Or maybe they payed groundhog hush money!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Both!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Or paid even… my brain hurts…
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person