First Draft Horosopes

Today’s Birthday! 

You are exceptionally witty and playful, on account of the Zanax whose street corner prescription means that it’s three right turns and a couple hundred miles south of the calming effect it should be having on you. Psychotropic medications in a brown paper bag are so much more fun, until they ain’t.

The youthful quality to your personality means you’re first in line for climbing mountains and skydiving. Stealing ear buds from the electronics department at Target is simply bonus round. You are highly creative on a mental level. Or is it, you are highly mental on a creative level? Yeah . . the latter, definitely the latter.

You tend to be short on patience, and you also tend to feel that others don’t move nearly as quickly as you do, which . . . tends to mean you have few friends. Since you also tend to express your thoughts on the matter, like, all the time. Maybe you should pop another Zanax and worry about the ramifications after you’ve been fitted with a padded suit.



47 thoughts on “First Draft Horosopes

  1. I don’t believe in horoscopes just like I don’t believe in alien life forms, God, ghosts, or pineapple on pizza, but if you don’t know about him already, you should find the horoscopes written by Rob Brezsny — he shows up in a local alternative weekly. Google his name and you’ll find his website. They are nowhere near as snarky and sarcastic as yours, but they are works of art. Frequently, even though I don’t believe in these things, what Brezsny writes has been spot on in what is going on in my life. Here is this week’s Brezsny horoscope for Scorpio’s:

    According to Popular Mechanics magazine, over three million sunken ships are lying on the bottoms of the world’s oceans. Some of them contain billions of dollars’ worth of precious metals and jewels. Others are crammed with artifacts that would be of great value to historians and archaeologists. And here’s a crazy fact: fewer than one percent of all those potential treasures have been investigated by divers. I bring this to your attention, Scorpio, because I hope it might inspire you to explore your inner world’s equivalent of lost or unknown riches. The astrological omens suggest that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to go searching for them.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I dig!

      And no, I don’t believe in horoscopes either. But it’s one of the many things us humans do in order to pass the time. The overwhelming majority of the population is so concerned with dying. How they’re gonna die, when they’re gonna die . . and all those questions as to what the great beyond has in store. If anything at all.
      It’s a matter of trying to gain access to that which ain’t gonna be accessed until the lights go out, if at all.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Loved Rob’s stuff since I read it in the Seattle Weekly before he went national along with Dan Savage’s Savage Love. May have some basis in reality if you consider the rides effect on women’s cycles. (Men too, but it’s less obvious.)

      Liked by 2 people

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