It was a meh week for yours truly as I tried to catch up on sleep by getting even less of it. And the news wasn’t doing me any favors as per my Friday fix. There was more Mueller, because we ain’t ever getting enough. I’m sure John Gotti is looking at all these investigations into President Trump and going “Va fangul! This guy’s dirtier than I evah wuz!” And he wouldn’t be wrong.
The Toronto Raptors did become the first Canadian team to make the NBA finals, with that dime on a dollar talent Drake prowling the sidelines annoying the shit out of everyone. How can he call himself a Raptors fan if he has tats of two Golden State Warriors? I say we impeach his sorry ass.
Regular Local Joe Hero: Dandon Miller of Lancaster County, Pa celebrated Memorial Day weekend most symbolically. The motorcyclist was traveling on U.S. 30 when traffic ground to a halt. He jumped from his bike to find an injured bald eagle that had been struck by a passing vehicle laying in the middle of the road. Miller used his flannel shirt to scoop her up and the two waited on the side of the road for a bird rescue unit to arrive. Thanks to Miller, the eagle is going to make a full recovery. Hey Philly, you’s guys should git this dude season tickets!
Mailing It In: What do you get the mailman who has delivered everything over a thirty five year career? How’s about a dream trip to Hawaii. So beloved is Floyd Martin of Marietta Georgia, that the peeps along his delivery route have done just that. They started a GoFundMe page that hit their $5,000 goal, after which it kept on collecting more zeroes on the tail end. And then Delta Airlines decided they wanted to crash this postal party, offering Mr Martin a free ride. Hey Newman, eat your heart out! Muchas gracias to Frank at A Frank Angle for this special delivery.
Net Results: It’s WELL past time the MLB gets its shit straight as far as protective netting along the baselines is concerned. On Wednesday night, a young girl was struck in the head by a foul ball off the bat of Cubs outfielder Albert Almora Jr. The scene was heart wrenching as Almora dropped to the ground in tears after seeing what had happened. The little girl is going to be fine, and outside of her parents and relatives, there is no one more relieved than Almora. But this didn’t have to happen. The MLB has to get uniform with its protective netting, rather than letting each stadium dictate the parameters. These geniuses who can monetize every facet of the game can most certainly find a way to wrap the baselines in netting while keeping the players accessible to the fans at the same time. Make it happen, Rob Manfred.
Regular Local Joe Zero: The dude in front of me at the grocery store who forgot eggs, after he had his shit on the conveyor . . . and told the cashier to hold up . . . so he could go to the other side of the store to grab them. She politely declined, telling him she would finish it up, bag his things and suspend his order until he returned. He looked at her as if this technology had just been invented yesterday. In my next life, I want to be that blissfully stupid.
Just when you think you’ve heard it all: A teacher at The Chapel School- a private school in Westchester County, New York- was fired after holding a mock slave auction with her fifth grade social studies class. She chose her black students to act as the slaves and dressed them in imaginary chains. Just . . . wow.
Miles to go before they sleep: On the flip side of that kind of forgettable, Imma dish up a story about two fellas who plan on cruising through forty eight states in nineteen days in a Corvette. And no, this isn’t a reboot on the Clark Griswold franchise. It’s Mike Straub and his son, Adam. And they’re laying down serious tread marks from coast to coast as they raise money for Autism Action Partnership; an organization that provides services for people on the spectrum. Because that . . is how they roll.
Rest in Peace, Officer Eli:
Those who serve come in all shapes, sizes and breeds. And a Gwinnett County Police K9 Officer by the name of Eli served his community with a quiet diligence for the past eight years. Eli joined the force at the age of one and was the partner of Officer Matthew Bonanno. The two were chasing a suspect recently when the German Shepherd began showing signs of distress. Bonanno rushed him to a veterinary clinic where Eli passed away a short time later. County authorities led a procession from the Gwinnett County Police Training Center to Oak Rest Pet Cemetery in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where he was laid to rest.
When we remember all the brave men and women who put on a uniform every day and especially those who make the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty, let’s make a point not to forget man’s best friend.