First Draft Horoscopes

Today’s Birthday: Gemini

A planetary configuration like today’s often makes people afraid to start anything that challenges their status quo. That’s because the planets are so misaligned, it looks like rush hour on the 405 up there. See, the idea is to stop traffic . . not sit in it. In spite of this cosmic sausage, you should aspire for greater heights in your professional life. Be a risk taker, even if it means telling your boss that his head is so far up his ass that it’s pushing on his belly button. And after he presents you with a pink slip, take your severance and hit Vegas. Because you already lost the girl, the house and the dog . . so why the fuck not? As Matthew Broderick once opined, there is a kind of freedom in being totally screwed. And so what if you’re not going to follow up that line of thinking with a successful career in acting whilst calling Sarah Jessica Parker your pillow pal?

Remember the saying there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Just kidding! You should be afraid . . very afraid.


36 thoughts on “First Draft Horoscopes

  1. Buahahaha!

    The Blues are tenacious. They seriously do not have the best team on paper, but since they play the game on ice . . we good! Here’s hoping they can put the pressure on with a Game 5 win.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    All’s I can say is I’m sure glad I’m not a Gemini! Although the image of shoving MY boss’ head straight up her ass appeals to me tremendously, right now. Plus, I’m tired. I need a vacation 😉


    Liked by 1 person

  3. I took your advice many years ago. I sat on a kitchen counter and gave my boss the finger. We were at a private party and he decided to give a few orders after midnight. Well, my other Twin would not listen. Up went the finger and there you have it. Lucky for me the guy got transferred or I would have been on the role. I resemble the horoscope today, pilgrim.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The problem with a split personality is you never know which will be in charge in a given situation, the one ready to tell the boss to stick it, or the one who wants a steady paycheck.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve got questions …
    Question #1 … how the hell do you know about traffic on the 405? A freeway the locals refer to as 40-f%$#^.
    Question #2 … why the hell did you throw Sarah Jessica Parker into this? I was good until then. But, no, you had to make me all jealous of Matthew Broderick and his pillow pal. Sheesh.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve known peeps from the West Coast who speak of this thing as if it’s one of the 9 circles of hell.

      Settle down, big fella. I hear there are problems in Marriage Land. So who knows . . .

      Liked by 1 person

      • Having been stuck on the 405 once or twice in recent years while my son was in college down that way, I can attest to the fact that it is the circle of hell — all nine of them. At once.

        One can dream, can’t one?

        Liked by 1 person

        • My dream is named Vera. But I prefer to keep my dream afar, because she is a crazy, dyed in the wool Catholic girl and well . . I’ve been down that road (an emotional 405) too many times as it is.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Even though I’m not a Gemini I appreciate Ferris’s words. Although being in lose-lose situations many times it’s turned out even worse in the end. But the 405 … yup that’s always bad. This final draft was pretty funny … can’t wait for your column 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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