The Spam Files (Case #4,217)

Spam

Attn:

The sum of $4.5 million. out of your over due total sum has been approved for payment through ATM cash card system after all attempts to pay you through bank, and diplomatic courier failed. The approved sum has been programmed into the ATM cash card which will be dispatched to you through your address upon reconfirmation. I have made several attempts to contact you and this is the 3rd and perhaps the last email to you in respect to this matter. Meanwhile, I received a power of attorney from one SUSAN GERRAD from USA purportedly issued by you asking us to change the fund beneficiary to his name hence we are seeking for your confirmation as soon as possible. to this end, you should Kindly Re-confirm these information to me.

(1) Your Full Names:-

(2) Address:-

(3) Your Phone Numbers:

NOTE: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is just $105 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort! Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because I am very sure of everything I am giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Regards,

Mr. Dave West

Dear Mr. West,

Where have you been all my life?

Firstly, I must apologize for not getting back to you guys sooner. Yeah . . I received your email about the 4.5 million and then promptly forgot all about it. It’s not that I couldn’t use the ching. It’s just that, I was in the middle of a YouTube marathon of worst skateboard accidents and you know how addictive that shit gets. I’m curious, by ‘diplomatic courier’ do you mean my UPS driver, who parks wherever the fuck he feels like parking without any concern for parking tickets?

Hold up, a 4.5 million dollar cash card? That sounds really fucking stressful. I mean, I freak out when I misplace my Whole Foods club card! How’s about you send me forty five hundred cash cards loaded at 100 k each? Or better yet, forty five thousand cash cards at 100 bucks each? I mean . . once I’m a millionaire, losing a hundred bucks will be like the Kardashians losing a husband, no big whoop.

As for your attempts to reach me? Have you tried calling me? Because to paraphrase my Queen Bee highness, the great Beyonce, if you got millions for me you better put a ring on it.

Let the record state that I have never met Susan Gerrad. Girl sounds very take charge though, so feel free to shave a hundy off my tote board for her, coo?

Imma hold off on giving you certain particulars- such as name and address- because I don’t know that I can trust you just yet. Nothing personal, you understand . . it’s strictly business. If you want said information, you’re gonna have to gain my trust. Like, send me your silliest pic. Share your favorite Waffle House story. And perhaps most importantly, how did you get into this line of work? Was it family? A need to give back? Did you aspire to be on a future episode of Dateline?

Now . . . as far as your Note. I happen to think $105 is an outrageous ATM fee. What are we, in Vegas? I mean . . of course there are no hidden fees. They’re pimping their propers for everyone to see, all brazen like. And again, it’s nothing personal . . but I ain’t down with the whole pay to play scene. Matter of fact, Imma let the late, great Michael Corleone sum it up . . in case you ain’t catching my wave.

 

Do me a solid and send me a month’s worth of Hello Fresh grub. I’m partial to the balsamic pork and the peppercorn steak, but if you go heavy on the carnitas I ain’t gonna protest. I anxiously await your response to my retrofitted arrangement. And thanks for trusting me with such a large sum of money. It means the world to me.

Best wishes,

Pierce Inverarity

36 thoughts on “The Spam Files (Case #4,217)

  1. Now that I have changed underwear from peeing my pants with laughter, I have to let you know this was one of your best, humor-wise. So many laugh lines I can’t relate to just one. I have to say the idea of all those cash cards laying on the kitchen countertop caused me an almost terminal case of chuckle belly. I wonder if you could ask this guy to take the shipping cost out of the payment. Then he could help himself to ten times the amount. Let me know what he says. Thanks, Marc. This was terrific.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. B,

    You are hysterical. You take what is a major annoyance for most peeps and turn it into a humouristic twist… gotta agree with Monika – you sidelining for SNL? Actually, they could use the likes of you as they suck since the good ole days…

    Keep ’em coming!

    Q

    Liked by 2 people

    • Q,

      As I just said to Eilene, these spammers annoy the hell out of me. And their come ons are so lame that I just HAVE to respond. Not that I ever get a reply. Well, I got a reply once. Should’ve saved it . . as well as my reply to it.

      I don’t stay up that late most nights, LOL.

      I haven’t watched SNL in forever and a day. The last time I watched on a regular basis, it was still SNL, so there’s that.

      Imma do just that.

      B

      Liked by 2 people

      • They are something else. I don’t get these… Are they from your WP or email?
        A reply exchange would be a hoot, should it reoccur… Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

        I haven’t watched it it a dog’s age. And I dunno about you not staying up that late occasionally…

        Good!

        Liked by 2 people

        • They’re from my email. I find them in my spam folder. At least once or twice a week. Most of them are so broken English as to be completely worthless. Imagine this, I’m picking the best of ’em for these posts, which tells you something about the shite quality of the writing.

          If and when. Most of the time, like I said, there’s no reply. Or more often it comes back that the email doesn’t exist. These peeps move constantly.

          Occasionally, but not for SNL. I am so out of the loop with that show that I couldn’t tell you a single actor who appears on it.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I think I know of whom you speak, and yes!

            But I get any of my SNL from YouTube.

            Yes! Her impersonations are hilarious. She has to get in movies. Oh wait . . . no. Now actors go straight to cable channel shows! LOL

            Liked by 1 person

          • So weird. Most of the spam I get is for claim your reward but I never open further. The writing is atrocious.

            I couldn’t either! I turn it on and think. Shit, I know nobody!

            Liked by 1 person

          • The writing pisses me off, not gonna lie. These peeps definitely need a ghost writer, and you would THINK they’d hire one for the purpose of picking people’s pockets!

            The only thing worse than a pickpocket is a lazy pickpocket.

            SNL ended for me when Eddie Murphy left the show, LOL.

            Liked by 1 person

          • It is pathetic. But then I look at things written on FB or Twitter and I throw up my hands in defeat.

            Lazy is too mild a word.

            Yep.. pretty much the same for me!

            Liked by 1 person

          • But in those cases, that’s regular peeps doing their thing. I mean, not everyone is Truman Capote and that’s fine.

            But if your express intent is to separate an individual from his or her hard earned cash . . don’t you think you might at the very least use Grammarly in your email come on?

            Lazy is just the beginning.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Sometimes, the messages being shared are wanting to be serious, though.

            And the number of times I read memos withing companies and cringe is way too high.

            I feel ya. There are writers who could benefit from the use of Grammarly, no doubt!! (Don’t you just love that Grammarly gets underlined when you use Grammarly? I mean, it’s a software to help you with grammar and spelling but it didn’t even add itself to their own dictionary!!

            That it is.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I know, and that’s the only reason they’re readable, LOL.

            There is SO much forgettable writing out there.

            Grammarly being underlined is the height of irony. But really, it’s incumbent on those peeps to tighten the nuts to their bolts so that kind of shit doesn’t come back to bite them in the ass.

            Liked by 1 person

          • LOL!

            There is. Thankfully there are peeps like you around.

            It is. I refuse to add it to the dictionary because it makes me smile each time I use it! But you are absolutely correct. It is incumbent on those peeps to make a much better effort.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Nailed it!

            Umm . . you think? 😉

            I would have so much more respect for these scammers if they put in the work. I’d still be pissed, but at least I would feel like they thought enough of me that they felt they had to do some homework first.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. I would love to see all your case files because this was a good one! It could be an entire series if they ever bother to respond. But I love your request for multiple cash cards just in case you lose one, because losing that mega bucks cash card would stress me out like you said. But I often do wonder how they get their ideas to be this philanthropic. Good post bud. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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