Dear Beneficiary,
This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a Great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been Experiencing in getting your long over due payment due to excessive demand For money from you by both corrupt Bank officials and Courier Companies After which your fund remain unpaid to you.
I am Mr. Gene Leon. The Senior Resident Representative of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) Nigeria – Africa, it may interest you to know that reports have reached Our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which people like You are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies across Europe to Africa and Asia and we have decided to put a stop to that and that is why i was appointed to handle your transaction here in Nigeria.
All Governmental and Non-Governmental parasites, NGOs, Finance Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have been in contact With you of late have been instructed to back up from your transaction and You have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since the IMF is now Directly in charge of your payment.You are hereby advised NOT to remit further payment to any institutions With respect to your transaction as your fund will be transferred to you directly from our source. I hope this is clear. Any action contrary to this instruction is at your own risk. Respond to my Email with immediate effect and we shall give you further details on how your fund will be released.
Also call me as soon as you send the e-mail so that you will be given an immediate response: Direct Hotline: CALL: +234-8165-473-8999
Regards,
Mr. Gene Leon
Dear Mr. Leon,
Pardon me for saying, but your name is clumsier than Mike Huckabee at a strip club. You’ve got two first names, either of which is fine by its lonesome, but together? It reads like an E.L. James novel. As in, derivative and pointless. And umm . . not to be a backseat writer but I think the word you’re looking for is inform, not intimate. Also, you are UPPER CASE happy when lower case works plenty fine. Hey Boss, nothing personal . . strictly b’ness.
And speaking of b’ness, you guys must be on a mission from God (Or as I refer to him, John Belushi) because these fucking bank officials and courier companies suck harder than the New York Mets bullpen. Just the other day, I was paying for my grande Graceland Pillbox PB&J Banana Grilled Cheese Frappuccino (no whip) at a Starbucks on the Ivory Coast when the barista informed me my Diner’s Club card had been declined! You can imagine my embarrassment, after having watched that poor girl hand craft my drink for an hour and a half . . and I didn’t have a single Franc with which to pay for it. And let’s not even go into what I had to do in order to get back home. Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .
And fret not, I ain’t about to let those parasitical bastards anywhere near my propers until I hear from y’all. I’ll just tell ’em IMFU! You know, you guys at the IMF are like the nerdy high school girl in one of those John Hughes flicks who is best friends with the main character and he doesn’t realize she’s the one until the last ten minutes. Shit, now I can’t get the Thompson Twins out of my head.
Imma hold off on calling you on account of all those numbers. Jesus, is that a phone number or the national debt? Just hit me back with an email, and think about a name change, coo?
Hasta la pasta,
Xuanzang
Xuanzang …. Just when someone thinks this stuff can’t be made up, you step up to the plate to git er done … plus, without sarcasm. But I know this is real because Diner’s Club is still around. Well done!
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You know, people don’t believe me when I tell them about Diner’s Club.
And yes, Xuanzang was a prolific explorer who would have responded to Mr Leon’s spam message in a bottle (since email hadn’t been invented yet) by hopping a boat and visiting him, in person. I’m guessing the respect will be lost on Mr Leon.
I looked into this sarcasm thing but it seems exhausting.
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If you find out about the sarcasm thing, let me know because I can’t.
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I’ve had little luck finding much of anything myself. But will do!
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Same with me. Maybe it doesn’t really exist.
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I’m beginning to think it’s one of those urban legends.
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That makes plenty of sense!
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I googled the definition for us.
-the use of irony to mock or convey contempt-
Yeah, I have no idea . . .
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No clue also at this end.
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I guess more research is required. It’s just difficult, since I don’t know what I’m looking for . . .
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Ah ha … This may explain everything … Sarcasm is fake news!
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That’s exactly right. There’s nothing to see here, the reports are ALL false. No need for a hearing or any investigations. This is one big conspiracy. HUGE!
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But it’s a Direct Hotline!! That’s gotta be worth something.
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Oh, it’s worth something alright! 😉
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Way to bitch slap, Mr. Leon. Why be subtle. Of course, working in Xuanzang was pretty amazing. Excellent reply, Marc. Hope that money comes through.
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Mr. Needs A Name Change can take it. He probably gets worse than what I dished up. And glad you liked that sign off.
I’ll keep you posted on the dough.
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Ha haha
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😉
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B,
I swear this is the worst one yet… the original spam letter, I mean, definitely NOT your response. That is, and always shall be, on point. Yanno, it’s not nice to make fun of one’s birth name. ‘Tis rare they choose it for themselves 😉 Not that I’m saying this is a real name or anything…
I’m trying to visualize just what that particular Starbucks drink would taste like…(Can one visualize a taste?) The thought made me gag but one must not judge without even tasting it, right?
He was a capital-happy little dude, wasn’t he? And yeah, that phone number probably unlocks the secrets of the Temple of Doom. I would stay away too.
As per, this was fantabulous!
Q
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Who said I play nice?
And besides, that’s my strategy. Name call, literally, and thus draw him out of his rat’s nest with a nasty retort. So far, no dice. Methinks Leon or Gene or Larry or Moe is already on the move again.
I only name ’em, I ain’t tasting too. I think the PB&J with a banana swirl would probably be decent. The prescription drug powder on top, not so much.
Maybe that’s where he’s from! The Temple of Doom! Or, were you talking about the White House?
Gracias mucho!
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My bad. What was I thinking? Who said, indeed?
Not a bad strategy, to be sure. Course, Gene or Leon or whatever, is prolly not his real name, either. Methinks he is on the move with another alias.
Ugh. Don’t mind me for not being quite so open-minded, but I’ll pass on your flavour.
Ha ha ha! Maybe! Well, these past few years it could be either one.
De nada!
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😉
Right about now, he’s Mr James Hendrix of Purple Haze Inc.
Yeah . . I think I will too.
I think Disney could make some money off this if they paired with the White House and made a theme park out of the place.
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😉 indeed
Hah! That should be interesting…
Might be a good idea.
Oooh. But, how to get patrons to actually go?
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Put a roller coaster on the grounds. Americans eat that shit up, no matter their political affiliation.
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You are probably right!
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Don’t understand the fascination.
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Nor do I…
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Thompson Twins. They rocked my world and this song is just your theme song to these Spam Files. Plus you know I LOVED me some John Hughes movies … Jake Ryan … sigh. But aside from distracting everyone with awesome 80s this letter rocks. I’m loving your replies and would really enjoy hearing your customer service rep conversations any day 🙂 Play it again, Spam. Ha! I liked that one.
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I think I finally hit on a title for these Spam posts . . it took me long enough! LOL.
The eighties. Time could have just stopped on that decade and I would have been plenty fine with that.
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Forgive me. I just can’t keep up with you. You’re just too prolific. Will try to do better. sigh
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I don’t know about prolific, but I ain’t tell you to stop with the kudos. I ain’t no fool. 😉
Oh, you do splendidly. Just keep doing it, because it’s always a great start to my day (or finish to it sometimes) when I find a Thin Girl exclusive.
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I feel like Lucy at the candy factory where your posts are concerned. Just when I have a nice rhythm going, you up the conveyer belt.
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Steady as she goes!
And I STILL laugh hard whenever I watch that episode. As if I’m seeing it for the first time.
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Oh my God, laughed my ass off. Again!
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I’m glad you’re so easily amused. Like a guy who’s an easy laugh.
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That’s what had me laughing my ass off last night.
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I love to laugh. It’s better than booze.
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Lucy makes me laugh like nobody’s business.
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Me and you both. I LOVE LUCY!!!
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The city apartment years were my favorite.
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Mrs. Trumbull. I loved her. Loved when she bitched about Little Ricky, then ended up being his biggest fan. Loved Do you Weegee? When Lucy had a seance…Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie…come in Tillie. Lucy in her black cigarette pants and ballet flats…a bow stickin’ outta’ her hair…chic city she was.
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It reminds me of the episode where the Ricardos sell their washing machine to the Mertzes and things go badly. Lucy pushes the machine in front of Ethel’s door and then Ethel pushes it back and then they’re pushing the machine towards each other and come to a standstill. Mrs Trumbull makes the scene and asks them what they’re doing and they tell her they’re moving the machine. To which Mrs Trumbull says “If you don’t me saying so, you’re doing it the hard way!”.
Classic.
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I don’t remember that.
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Thank God for YouTube.
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E.L. James novel indeed. And the awkward capitalization sends me into orbit. Me wonders if Gene Leon is from Nigeria, Belarus, or Ukraine?😳
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Ugh! I just do not understand the fascination with those books.
Me too! It’s like “Whoa! Pull to the side of the road. Did you know you were going WAY over the capitalization limit there pal?”
I think Gene Leon has probably resided in all three . . .
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