Play It Again, Spam (Case #27)

Spam

Dear Beneficiary,

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a Great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been Experiencing in getting your long over due payment due to excessive demand For money from you by both corrupt Bank officials and Courier Companies After which your fund remain unpaid to you.

I am Mr. Gene Leon. The Senior Resident Representative of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) Nigeria – Africa, it may interest you to know that reports have reached Our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which people like You are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies across Europe to Africa and Asia and we have decided to put a stop to that and that is why i was appointed to handle your transaction here in Nigeria.

All Governmental and Non-Governmental parasites, NGOs, Finance Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have been in contact With you of late have been instructed to back up from your transaction and You have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since the IMF is now Directly in charge of your payment.You are hereby advised NOT to remit further payment to any institutions With respect to your transaction as your fund will be transferred to you directly from our source. I hope this is clear. Any action contrary to this instruction is at your own risk. Respond to my Email with immediate effect and we shall give you further details on how your fund will be released.

Also call me as soon as you send the e-mail so that you will be given an immediate response: Direct Hotline: CALL: +234-8165-473-8999

Regards,
Mr. Gene Leon

Dear Mr. Leon,

Pardon me for saying, but your name is clumsier than Mike Huckabee at a strip club. You’ve got two first names, either of which is fine by its lonesome, but together? It reads like an E.L. James novel. As in, derivative and pointless. And umm . . not to be a backseat writer but I think the word you’re looking for is inform, not intimate. Also, you are UPPER CASE happy when lower case works plenty fine. Hey Boss, nothing personal . . strictly b’ness.

And speaking of b’ness, you guys must be on a mission from God (Or as I refer to him, John Belushi) because these fucking bank officials and courier companies suck harder than the New York Mets bullpen. Just the other day, I was paying for my grande Graceland Pillbox PB&J Banana Grilled Cheese Frappuccino (no whip) at a Starbucks on the Ivory Coast when the barista informed me my Diner’s Club card had been declined! You can imagine my embarrassment, after having watched that poor girl hand craft my drink for an hour and a half . . and I didn’t have a single Franc with which to pay for it. And let’s not even go into what I had to do in order to get back home. Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

And fret not, I ain’t about to let those parasitical bastards anywhere near my propers until I hear from y’all. I’ll just tell ’em IMFU! You know, you guys at the IMF are like the nerdy high school girl in one of those John Hughes flicks who is best friends with the main character and he doesn’t realize she’s the one until the last ten minutes. Shit, now I can’t get the Thompson Twins out of my head.

Imma hold off on calling you on account of all those numbers. Jesus, is that a phone number or the national debt? Just hit me back with an email, and think about a name change, coo?

Hasta la pasta,

Xuanzang

47 thoughts on “Play It Again, Spam (Case #27)

  1. Xuanzang …. Just when someone thinks this stuff can’t be made up, you step up to the plate to git er done … plus, without sarcasm. But I know this is real because Diner’s Club is still around. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    I swear this is the worst one yet… the original spam letter, I mean, definitely NOT your response. That is, and always shall be, on point. Yanno, it’s not nice to make fun of one’s birth name. ‘Tis rare they choose it for themselves 😉 Not that I’m saying this is a real name or anything…

    I’m trying to visualize just what that particular Starbucks drink would taste like…(Can one visualize a taste?) The thought made me gag but one must not judge without even tasting it, right?

    He was a capital-happy little dude, wasn’t he? And yeah, that phone number probably unlocks the secrets of the Temple of Doom. I would stay away too.

    As per, this was fantabulous!

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Who said I play nice?

      And besides, that’s my strategy. Name call, literally, and thus draw him out of his rat’s nest with a nasty retort. So far, no dice. Methinks Leon or Gene or Larry or Moe is already on the move again.

      I only name ’em, I ain’t tasting too. I think the PB&J with a banana swirl would probably be decent. The prescription drug powder on top, not so much.

      Maybe that’s where he’s from! The Temple of Doom! Or, were you talking about the White House?

      Gracias mucho!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thompson Twins. They rocked my world and this song is just your theme song to these Spam Files. Plus you know I LOVED me some John Hughes movies … Jake Ryan … sigh. But aside from distracting everyone with awesome 80s this letter rocks. I’m loving your replies and would really enjoy hearing your customer service rep conversations any day 🙂 Play it again, Spam. Ha! I liked that one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I finally hit on a title for these Spam posts . . it took me long enough! LOL.

      The eighties. Time could have just stopped on that decade and I would have been plenty fine with that.

      Like

    • Ugh! I just do not understand the fascination with those books.
      Me too! It’s like “Whoa! Pull to the side of the road. Did you know you were going WAY over the capitalization limit there pal?”

      I think Gene Leon has probably resided in all three . . .

      Liked by 1 person

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