Matters of Little Consequence

I think God created blogging when he had nothing else to talk about.

I had to admit Dan had gone bulls-eye with his little idea. The 800lb Gorilla was chugging along on nicotine, friendly drinks and unsympathetic satire that offered no quarter for sacred cows. The blogosphere had plugged me into a tantric remedy in which I was writing practically every day. Shop hours would vary depending on the day ahead. Sometimes I would go for an early morning run and then post something before heading out. On other days I would regale in the simple comfit fixtures of a laptop and a well armed Martini after hours. It was Zen capture inside the tear drops of a clock whose purpose now seemed to dovetail its method into my madness.

I was enjoying myself immensely, in spite of the detours that would crop up now that our elbow bending riffs were being held in a virtual forum. Like the time Dan called to tell me Google had taken a shit on our Blogger platform and he had moved us over to a place called WordPress. But just like all the other bumps in the road, this one proved to be quite fortuitous. Because whereas our former website behaved like a rural dirt road, the new digs were akin to an eight lane highway.

Everything was coming back peach as summer moved into fall. My kids were feeling good about how life was looking on the other side of the split. My soon to be ex-wife had met a man on a dating site and things were promising. And I had met a nice girl inside the same week, on the same site as the ex-wife and things were promising as well. For a couple months. After which I got back to dating and black book research.

As far as writing was concerned, I had unlocked a parallel of myself to which had always been a mystery before this time. It was a quicksilver reckoning in which my creative bones were shaking loose, as if pole vaulting over thunderheads.

We’re gonna need a bigger boat

December 12th, 2006 is when push came to shove. It was some time in the middle of the night when Dan posted what would launch the Gorilla from obscurity into a grass roots movement that would end up getting play in a couple online magazines and local radio shows.

It was later that morning, I was doing a supply run when my phone came to life. It was Dan.

“Dude, you checking this shit out?”

“What shit?”

“The blog!”

“Oh, yeah . . the shot of Britney’s front yard. You know what you sonofabitch, next time give me a heads up when you post some shit like that,”

“Sorry to offend your delicate senses,”

“Dan, my daughter listens to Britney, okay? I don’t need to see her business is all I’m saying. I prefer to keep her in my sexy little Smurf collection where anatomy doesn’t exist. And where did you find that pic?”

“I hit on a website when I was surfing around last night for something to write about. We were one of the first sites to put it up,”

“Wow, I always wanted to run a porn site. I guess the degenerate blue ribbon goes to us, huh?”

“Marc, you see the hits?”

“I don’t look at hits, I look at writing. I’m the insufferable artist and you’re the soulless networking prick, remember?”

“We’re at 2,900 hits so far . . . I think we could hit 10 grand,”

“Jesus Christ, that Federline douchebag was right! She does have a magical vagina!” I exclaimed before I realized I was talking out loud in the middle of Staples.

“This is our hanging curve ball, it’s how we’re gonna get known for all the writing we’ve been doing in the dark,”

“As if Hemingway isn’t dead enough,” I whined.

“We have the eyeballs now is how I look at it. And I’ll tell you what man, we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” Dan said before we hung up.

This should have been cause for celebration. But whereas Dan was sewing this latest turn of events into a Matterhorn applique, I was dubious. For fuck’s sake, we’d been writing our asses to the tune of a couple stray comments here and there; so stray were these comments that we should’ve tested them for rabies. It was that kind of virtual desert island shit. And that was fine by me, because the writing was keeping me upright.

If writing truly mattered, how was it that I could write madly for a year and elicit nothing more than a yawn? Meanwhile, Britney simply had to play 21 Jump Street with a mini-skirt to clobber the fuck out of me. I was thinking too hard, and I knew this. Dan was right. Eyeballs were the bottom line to any kind of future for the site, and now we had them. It was time to put on my big boy swimming trunks and pray at the altar of Mary Shelly.

We were looking straight into the eye of a storm, even if we didn’t know it yet.

76 thoughts on “Matters of Little Consequence

  1. Who have thunk the likes of Brittany at a low moment would have such an amazing contribution to your terrific writing? I will be far more judicious in the future when making those dingbat blonde comments. Well, except if it comes to Sam who continues to clearly be the ‘blondest’ creature I’ve ever known. #knucklehead

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it was when Brittany was moving into her spiral. She hadn’t arrived at the moment where she was bashing windshields yet.

      As for me, I was a lot more pissed than I write here. I didn’t want to be ‘known’ for being the gossip pages light blog, but that’s where it seemed we had arrived. Writing? Sure that’s nice, I guess. It was the first time I felt totally disconnected to the blog. Not the last time, however.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We all probably go through the same thing. Blogging takes soul and an immense amount of patience and energy. Some lose it, others never have it. You my friend are in a whole different class. Dan may have been a shallow schmuck but you definitely have what it takes. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you Monika, truly.

          I get very emotional thinking back on some of those times. It’s bringing a lot of stuff back that I pushed away for a long time. So I am very appreciative of the kind words and heartfelt comments such as this.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    Your writing in this series is sublime. How the hell do you come up with phrases like this: “It was Zen capture inside the teardrops of a clock whose purpose now seemed to dovetail its method into my madness.”

    I can understand your frustration that it was a “National Enquirer-type” pic that got you noticed over the fabulous writing you do. I can understand how one would get excited over such “readership” (let’s call it what it was – voyeurship) and then get pulled into that sordid world – and going against what you truly believed in. You, Marc; not Dan, obviously. You said it last week, the only thing you two had in common was an affinity for beer…

    Looking forward to the next excerpt.

    And can I say how glad I am that your writing is a part of you that, no matter what crazy trip The 800lb Gorilla brought you on, you’re still here.

    Lotsa love,

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      I find myself trying to think back to a time when my creativity as a writer was just starting to kick its boots.

      And then . . . Brittany.

      In hindsight, Dan loved it. He had hit on something that had NOTHING to do with writing and it scored us bucco hits. Whereas the only attention we’d gotten to that point came through writing, which wasn’t his wheelhouse. He loved making a splash, which is one of the reasons we were a satire blog, so that he could blow shit up. I was plenty fine with the no sacred cows part, just so long as it was about the writing. This is where my “The writing is the thing, the whole thing and nothing but the thing” comes from. Because after Brittany, Dan kind of behaved as if he’d discovered plutonium.

      Next up? Probably The Dame. Buckle up . . .

      It is good to be here, thank you lovely.



      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m thinking your creativity as a writer started early. I’d have big trouble believing otherwise.

        The Britney thing is well… like you said, nothing about writing and everything about ratings. Guess it was bound to happen – a parting of the ways as you guys were not on the same page. At all.

        Seat belt on standby!

        I am so very glad you are. And I am thankful our paths crossed, tell you what.


        Liked by 1 person

        • I seriously don’t remember ever thinking it was something I was particularly given to until I started blogging, though.

          It never occurred to me how different we were until Britney-Gate. He was planning our own website with his pal Richie coming on board. Bells, whistles, podcasts . . . and writing. So yeah . . we butted heads. Lots.


          Me too.


          Liked by 1 person

          • I do hear you. I think blogging was my start to writing and only in the past few years have I considered I am half-way decent.

            I suppose sometimes we need a Britney-Gate to help us see 😉


            MWAH (again, coz it deserves another)!

            Liked by 1 person

          • I never had a “writer’s relationship” with writing. Whereas some consider it their gift or their calling or what have you, for me it was simply a peace of mind. The other stuff escaped me. Still does.

            I once described myself not as a writer, but as a frustrated artist who scribbles stuff on cocktail napkins. It was because I didn’t care about the fraternity. I just wanted to keep doing this thing that provided me with quiet.

            Half way decent . . . pffft! 😉

            I could have done without seeing Britney’s business, like . . ever.

            Did you just turn the other cheek? MUAH!

            Liked by 1 person

          • I think you do what you do so well because it is, as you once said, necessary. As for labels – we already have determined we don’t do those!!

            Hey, aren’t the ones who write on cocktail napkins the REAL writers?

            What? no shades? Tee hee… 😉

            I believe you.

            I did. I’m French. We do the two cheeks. We do the MWAH! MWAH!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yep, you don’t ask questions. You just go with what works. I often wonder when and where I would have picked up writing if not for that blog.

            In the way back of times, indeed!

            I was being lazy, LOL

            MUAH! MUAH!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Indeed. I’m trying to remember where I even heard of blogging and how the hell I ended up here! I figure I would have gone a whole lotta nowhere with writing if I hadn’t discovered this forum.


            Ever the good friend, lemme help you out, you lazy bugger. At the same time, I’ll add mine 😉 😎🧐


            Liked by 1 person

          • Have you ever checked into its origins? It is such a weird name! Of course, I looked it up, as we speak and it is a truncated word from Weblog.

            Yep. That’s me! A pal 😉


            Liked by 1 person

          • It’s a contraction of the word “weblog”, which was coined back in 1997. Two many syllables for us Americans to tote around, so they shortened it . . .

            Liked by 1 person

          • It is indeed. I just looked it up and it’s all I get. Other than how it was meant as a personal diary website with which peeps could rail on about OJ and the Clintons and Y-2K. Ooops . . . that last part of the definition is outdated . . 😉

            Liked by 1 person

  3. I started a blog with Blogger somewhere around ten years ago. One day I went into the Blogger platform and it had all been changes to a foreign language – something Asian. Since everything was in that language I had no way of figuring out how to get it back to English. Hence my journey over to WordPress. Which has always stayed in English.

    Meanwhile sex sells. That’s it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Everything and everybody has a history – so thanks for sharing a bit of yours. There was a time when I thought was the Golden Age of Blogging. It was on fire! Meanwhile, I’m with Dale – that is wondering about how you come up with the lines that you do. You must be a creative genius!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really was. Even if I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as Dan! LOL. He just loved all the craziness whereas I was communing with this creative outlet on a mostly daily basis.

      The lines come from the quiet. It’s like, when you just step inside and let the words carry you to wherever the hell they plan on going. I sound like a hippie, I do realize this.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. There’s so much here, like a shopping cart packed to the brim. I can only relate to the writing part, the grace of it. Just yesterday, after a crash and burn collaboration with another said to a trusted friend, that I may just have to be content with my love of the written word. Don’t think I’m meant to be a household word. When you speak of hits, it reminds me of the world in which we live. How the ephemeral has more validity than the tangible. I forget that since I’m not a social media participant. My blog postings do automatically go to Twitter, but again, it’s a flash on a scrolling screen.

    You have a mega following. It’s admirable what you’ve done with your efforts. But the truth is, you write very, very well. I don’t think people visit just to get you to visit them, the old, if you LIKE me, I’ll LIKE you no-ply readership.

    In any event, Good morning Marc.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. …I just read your comments & it was fun. Yes I’m sneaky like that 😂😂
    About blogging- I feel like I’m 10 when I’m reading about people who started long before…
    My mum like Britney or maybe this is the only foreign-singer-name she knows 😂
    And cool text, enjoyed reading.

    Liked by 1 person

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