Speaking Of . . .

By now you’ve probably seen the video of Chris Morgan, the thimble-fuck who went on a tirade about women in a Long Island bagel shop recently. Turns out, that’s his shtick; to engage in public rants and then slap ’em on YouTube. He considers himself the Martin Luther King of short dudes and I’m not kidding. So I gotta wonder how long before he gets a White House invite. I want to see the handshake . . .

Speaking of . . . Bums. They should fine ballplayers who can’t bother running to first base. Let’s say . . . half a million Wagners every time they pull that shit. Their lazy asses would either find some urgency right quick or they would owe the MLB money in perpetuity. Better yet, MLB can set up a GoFundMe page with the money, for the fans who have to put up with crap like that.

Speaking of . . . Weeds. Cassandra Walker was fired from her job at Dairy Queen because someone wanted a Moana birthday cake and her boss fucked up the translation since this is Georgia we’re talking about. So . . . this happened.

Moana Cake

Fired? Give her a raise, because that is an amazing fucking birthday cake! I saw Moana . . well, the first three minutes anyways. And believe me, a wasted Little Pony is way better. Yo Duff Goldman, give this cake artist a job! Immediamente!

Speaking of . . . Cheeching. I partake on a semi-annual basis and my fifty third birthday seems a logical toking point. In spite of the fact that I’m not a drug user as per the definition (this guy), I do have my very own dealer. Now all I need to do is get in touch with Cassandra Walker for my cake.

Speaking of . . . Skunk. What’s up with the peeps who still abide by twelfth century hygiene? Otherwise known as BO. Listen, unless you have a serious medical condition, are homeless or Amish, there is no excuse. We are GED level lunchboxes compared to the other species that inhabit the earth. Soap and deodorant are the only things separating us from the sloth, and if you can’t bother to dabble in the stuff, then go live on that deserted island Tom Hanks made famous.

Speaking of . . . Stench luggage. You ever go in a public restroom and get hit in the face with that shroud of unspeakable hell? I call it the thousand year stench, after which I’m always forced to hold my breath. Only problem is, when I’m on the spot like that, I can’t hold my breath for very long. If I’m in the water, I can hold my breath for about a minute. But under pressure? Two and a half seconds, after which I bury my nose in my arm and curse the existence of humanity as I perch at the urinal and exhort my bladder to speed it up.

Speaking of . . . Pissing contests. Oscar Wilde would be thrilled to know they actually have their own Wikipedia page.

Speaking of . . . Wicked genius (Wilde . . not pissing contests), Peeps either get the movie Under the Silver Lake or they do not. I happen to think that if this flick was a stock, it would be a can’t lose long term investment. Because someday it will achieve cult status for being what it is. Hitchcock in Kurt Cobain’s iconic sweater.

Speaking of . . . Sweaters. I ain’t in need of one currently. Because it’s a hundred fucking degrees outside (wind chill) and I just put a bounty on Al Gore’s head.

Speaking of . . . Too soon?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

25 thoughts on “Speaking Of . . .

  1. And speaking of genius. You are the one. I enjoyed the treatment and intro to each subject. Like you, I think a raise is should be given the cake person. Where the hell is the humor in this world? Whoever was to get the cake is 25 years old not three. Should have been a big laugh. Thanks, Marc.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    I had missed the video of Chris Morgan and it could have remained off my viewing list, thank you very much. What a Liliputian Putz.

    What do you mean they don’t bother running to first base? What up? I don’t get it.

    Moana…. marijuana… At least the recipient of the cake thought it was hilarious. I love that she used a stoned Little Pony! I couldn’t have come up with a better idea! Well…maybe, if I had ever gotten such an order.

    Semi-annual, eh? Hah! You definitely need a cake of that ilk! We’ve got a few months to find her 😉 If not, I’ll offer my services…

    BO is nasty and lemme tell you some of the members at my golf club – all of whom can totes afford soap and deodorant – have a hum about them after their game… take a shower before you come up for your beer!

    Stench luggage… Imma have to add that term to my dictionary. Blech.

    Buahahaha! You really got carried away on the Internets didn’t ya? Pissing contests…

    I’m thinking “Under the Silver Lake” will take on a little extra sumthin’ if you Cheech before watching. Just sayin’…

    Hot, you say? No sweaters going on up here neither 😉

    Haven’t heard that song in eons!

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      That’s a really apt description of him. And now I heard where he’s going to be involved in some kind of “Find the next viral star” vehicle. How pathetic is that?

      You would think these millionaires could bother themselves enough to run out a ground ball, but nope.

      I thought that cake was priceless. But edibles, no gracias. Too potent for this lightweight.

      It’s not hard people! Take a shower. Any shower!

      I usually do get carried away, looking up stupid shite on the internets.

      I didn’t even think of it that way, but yeaaahhh.

      My t shirt feels like a sweater in this weather.

      I dig that song very much.

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • Desperately seeking his 15 minutes, over and over.

        Not cool. And you’re right, disrespectful of their fans who pay for their big-ass salaries…

        The cake was priceless! No? Not even a gummy bear? My boys laugh at me as they say they are more useless than tits on a bull but I find the mellow just nice.

        Please!!

        It’s not your fault, really. There’s a huge magnet hidden inside which draws you ever deeper till you realise with a start that you’ve been gone for three hours…

        Duuuuuude….

        My tank top feels like sweater.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL…you slay me! Imma thinking Chris-boy will soon be receiving The Presidential Citizens Medal. Talk about two tiny hand douche bags.

    As for the 53rd, rock on bro. You, a bit of toke, and Cassandra…now that’s a date I wanna hear about. And happy belated.

    The Aimee Mann selection…brilliant!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is so great! I totally have “and speaking of …” moments constantly but keep them to myself because there’s no one to tell my random speed round thoughts. Love this 🙂 And that cake IS awesome. It would be the BEST story ever. I would be like remember the time it was my birthday, when I turned 25, and we picked up the cake … that there was a gift! Stories last so much longer than gift cards 🙂 plus you’re right! No one needs a sweater at 101 degrees!!! Ha I’m with you in that one. Good checking in on you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cali,

      Thank goodness for writing. It gives those voices in my head a place to crash!

      I know right? I would have gotten such a kick out of a cake like that for my twenty fifth. Hell, I’d get a kick out of it now!

      Thank you for spreading the sunshine and cool waves!

      Liked by 1 person

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