The march of the bubble heads- The internet is a quagmire of crumb scavengers looking for toast to burn. And every minute of every day gives us the latest example. The old saying “Nothing good happens after 2 am,” finds a refurbished home in 2019, where nothing good happens on Twitter. Case File #toomanytocount involves the twits who bashed Ayesha Curry for having the audacity to dance during the opening of her restaurant. Ayesha happens to be married to three time NBA champion and all around great dude Steph Curry, who gets lots of hate on the internet; probably because he’s got a great life going. Social media is where envy is transformed into hate and being hurtful to others for no good reason says everything about a person’s soul. Or lack thereof. So here’s hoping Ayesha opens her doors every day with a dance.
Saving grace- The Seattle Sounders football club played more than just a game the other night when they started Bheem Goyal in goal. The eight year old is battling Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, and so the Sounders- in conjunction with the Make-A-Wish Foundation- made Goyal’s dream of being a goalkeeper come true. They signed him to a contract, after which he opened things up by standing in goal for Seattle and gobbling up a shot on goal. He then exited the game between the Sounders and Dortmund to a standing ovation, receiving high fives from both sides. They don’t call it the beautiful game for nothing.
The truth is out there, and it’s ridiculous- Area 51 is the most highly classified area this side of the New England Patriots locker room. So when close to half a million people start chattering about breaking in, the government is gonna be paying attention. And thanks to a Facebook army of clueless warriors, September 20 will either be featured on an episode of “Dumbest Criminals” or it will be the latest example of the frightening precision of cruise missiles.
“Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us.” is comprised of a bunch of overly hyped X-Files junkies who are out to prove that ” . . if we run, we can move faster than their bullets,”. I mean, physics is a deal breaker as far as that original thought is concerned, but you gotta admire their spunk. And sure, two months is a lifetime inside of which that army will dwindle into a precious few on account of the fact that ninety percent of them won’t be able to get a ride to the site. And half of those who do make it to the gala will probably get tied up at the brothel on the premises. But there’s no doubt the couple dozen people who do follow through could make things . . interesting.
Jackson Barnes is the mastermind of this brilliant idea, which he says was all just a practical joke to get ‘liked’. He attempted to explain himself, since he probably can’t afford a lawyer and his desert RV.
“Hello US government, this is a joke, and I do not actually intend to go ahead with this plan” . . . “I just thought it would be funny and get me some thumbsy uppies on the internet. I’m not responsible if people decide to actually storm area 51.”
I don’t think my man understands the way it works. But on the bright side, in the event these imbeciles who signed up do actually end up storming the gates? He’ll have plenty of time to write that book on alien life while in prison.
Stupidity is the mother of this invention- Bad ideas are timeless. From the Edsel, New Coke and Ishtar to the Ford Pinto, Euro Disney and Jackson Barnes’ Facebook page.
Add Jennifer Yeager of Dixon, Illinois to the list for her ideas on inflatable pool transport. It began by her strapping the pool to the roof of the family SUV. Okay cool. Next, Yeager piled her two daughters into the car. Okay fine. And then, she hit the road. Okay well, everything seems peach . . oh shit, wait. Mom left the girls on the roof to keep it from flying away! After which she was arrested and charged with two counts of endangering the life of a child and two counts of reckless conduct. Welp, at least she didn’t fill the pool with water first. That would have been carazy.
The Angels among us- On July 1st, Tyler Skaggs was found unresponsive in his South Lake, Texas hotel room. The California Angels pitcher was pronounced dead once authorities arrived on the scene, which would lead to the Angels and Rangers cancelling their game that evening.
Last Friday night marked the Angels first home game since the death of the twenty eight year old Skaggs. The team honored his memory with a moment of silence, as all Angels players wore his number 45. And then his mother Debbie threw out the ceremonial first pitch, a perfect strike.
When the game began, it was as if the heavens were writing the script. The Angels scored seven runs in the first inning while Taylor Cole and Felix Pena combined to throw a no hitter and the Angels won the game 13-0. Cole and Pena pitched their hearts out, but the vibe that was flowing through that stadium had everyone believing their performance on the mound was a holy trinity. After the game, Skaggs’ teammates laid their number forty five jerseys on the mound.
In a press conference later on, Mike Trout remarked on the significance of the box-score: Seven runs in the first inning, thirteen runs total. 7/13. Tyler Skaggs’ birthday. “You can’t make this stuff up,” Mike Trout said.
The greatest baseball player in the world was onto something.