God Maps, Dressed Down Gaga and 50 Shades of Grey Goose

The other night I was stopped by this lovely young lady who handed me a pamphlet titled “Where Are You Headed?” It was religious paraphernalia, and it really got me thinking. See, I was headed out to the bar when I received this trinket from God. So I had to wonder if the Big Guy™ was really talking to me in that moment. I ordered a gin martini, with big fat stuffed olives. Just in case . . .

The gin martini is a wondrous invention when constructed to its optimum particulars. When I partake at the crib, I tuck my gin/vermouth concoction and the glass into the freezer for a good hour. Then I rinse the inside of the frozen martini glass with vermouth. And then it’s time to build. Cocktail . . lime squeeze . . . blue cheese stuffed olives. Back in the aughts of 2000, I would have stapled a couple smokes to the delegation. But nowadays, I work without a net because I am so fucking brave.

I played it neat, and the verdict was Hi Ho Silver. The key to the win? Location. We sat close to the bar, so I was able to study the bartender for a few jingles. This particular gentleman was of a certain age, bushy mustache, New York accent. This wasn’t his first shimmy into Gin City, so it clinched my decision to go straight up on the Old Blue Eyes standard. In matters of plumbing, law and mixology . . call on a professional.

After which, I got down to the business of loose change thoughts with my running mates. And Jesus, the things you learn when you ain’t even trying.

  • Like, did you know Tumblr- previously known as the blogging community not named WordPress, became a destination for porn? Until they banned it and peeps started jumping ship as a result. Years back, I had a Tumblr account that I got rid of because the site bored the fuck out of me. I guess it’s all in the timing . . .
  • There is a Black Eyed Susan cocktail. And I don’t think I knew that. Shit . . I don’t remember if I knew that and forgot it, or just didn’t know that. But I’ve never tried it. I don’t think.
  • Billie Eilish’s real name is Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell. That’s not a name so much as a continent.
  • Ray Bradbury wrote Fahrenheit 451 in nine days. Meanwhile, Trump hasn’t written a coherent sentence in seventy three years.

What do you order for a last meal? 

Contestant #1: Cheeseburger and fries
Contestant #2: Paella
Me: Bistec empanazado with arroz con frijoles and platanos

Winner: Cheeseburger and fries. No prison cook is going to know how to cook up paella. And they’re probably going to fuck up the breaded steak and plantains too. So the cheeseburger is your safe bet. And if they mess that up? Look on the bright side, you’re gonna die anyway.

And then there was the stuff that occupies my brain rent free. Like . . .

  • What happened to ISIS? Did they like, call off the Holy War on us? Or do they figure we’re doing their job for them, so fuck it.
  • A plant based version of the Whopper? What, the original idea wasn’t bad enough?
  • Superman works with journalists, and yet, nobody catches on to the fact that he’s Superman?
  • I miss seeing Lady Gaga at the grocery store. Back when she was canoodling with a local boy, she frequented the same supermarket as me. She was always dressed down and on the sly. In a world where YouTube ‘celebs’ scoff at baristas “Do you know who I am?” . .  that shit is refreshing.
  • I think I understand now. I went to a party in November of 2016 and I took the red pill. But a three year trip is fucking ridiculous . . .
  • Back when Tarantino was a video store clerk writing screenplays in his spare time, he intentionally failed to pay parking tickets so that he’d have to go to jail. He wanted to hear how the guys in there talked. That, is dedication to craft.

Best Rolling Stones song.

Contestant #1: Wild Horses
Contestant #2: You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Me: None

Winner: None

  • I’m sorry, but I ain’t tuning in to this Beverly Hills 90210. I just can’t.
  • Giving electric cars front row parking spaces runs counter to saving the earth. Shouldn’t the cars that are sucking the life out of our planet get the primo spots? Thereby lessening their negative impact?
  • When one of those kiosk peeps at the mall engages you in a conversation you want no part of, just say “Sorry, I’m a communist”. That should do the trick.
  • The Lorena Bobbitt case should have been a sign of things to come. The fact that officials rushed to a field to retrieve this asshole’s dick after which he underwent a nine and a half hour operation to have it re-attached tells you everything about how fucked our priorities had become. All I’m saying is that if you get your business cut off, there’s a better than even chance you shouldn’t be carrying that thing around to begin with. And a lot of people with real need don’t get meds or surgeries. So yeah . . that’s what was up then. And now.

Okay, I don’t think there is a legitimate segue for that last thought so I’ll leave it right there and say hasta to whatever vista you’re looking out from this morning. Remember to be kind to strangers and to let your family’s phone calls go to voicemail.

Hey, it works for me.

 

78 thoughts on “God Maps, Dressed Down Gaga and 50 Shades of Grey Goose

  1. Highlayerous, Pilgrim. I love your martini recipe. There is no other drink on the planet that got me into more trouble. Yeah, add those pack and a half of smokes and the next morning felt like an Epstein moment. Those were the days of rationalization like, “At least no one died.” Last meal? How about an Asian dish that takes a year to ferment in the ground. I would love to run into Gaga. I’ll bet she would be interesting as hell. I still have a Tumblr account and had no idea there was porn there. (not on my site but on Tumblr.) I still don’t know what to do with Tumblr. Super funny post and I appreciate all your thought red pill inspired or not.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boss,

      I’m partial to the vodka martini, but I gotta admit, the old standard does kick some mighty ass. Presently company included.

      Epstein moment! Buahahaha! I relate

      Right! Hey, nobody dying IS something.

      Excellent last meal suggestion. Pair it with a bottomless cup of coffee and you just might be able to milk . . . oh say another five minutes out of the warden while he laughs his ass off.

      She was sexy in dress down garb. Something about that look.

      I had no idea porn had taken over Tumblr. Truthfully, I always found the platform confining. It was like writing in a closet. There’s a reason WordPress is so popular. It’s just so much better than the rest of them.

      Damn Sheriff, I really wish it was as easy as the red pill. I’d be willing to take the bullet for this long national nightmare if I were to wake up and find out it was all one big nasty trip.

      Thanks and high fives to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I grew up watching my dad have two beers a night. Most nights anyway. When he got home from work, I’d run out to the garage and get him a can of Oly, pop it open, take a big gulp and then hand the can off to him.

    On the nights he didn’t have beer, he had a couple of martinis. Gin martinis. He taught me how to make them. I never tried to take a gulp of his martini though. Years later, I acquired his two beer a night habit (which may or may not have turned into more than that in recent years). At some point, I decided to see why he liked gin martinis, so I tried one.

    Shit and shit again — that stuff can strip the insides out of you. I’ve never done that again. People who drink gin martinis are a whole other species.

    As for the rest of your post, you’ve done it again. So much to respond to, so little time. But I’ll always appreciate somebody who doesn’t like the Rolling Stones. Always will.

    It would be so cool to see Lady Gaga in the local grocery store looking like a regular human being. There’s a thing about her when she’s “normal” that is just so incredibly appealing.

    I always wondered the same thing about Superman.

    ISIS is still there. Still there. Just waiting out the short attention span Westerners.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m partial to vodka martinis but I bought gin recently because I was all nostalgic. And truth be told, it really is a different beast altogether.

      As for the Rolling Stones, they’re like sliders to me. I just don’t get the fascination.

      Dude, SO sexy when she’s dressed down. And I respected the hell out of the fact that she really wasn’t there to be seen. Kate Gosselin, on the other hand . . she lives to be seen. When my kids were little, we’d see her at the grocery store all the time. I threatened to let them walk home if they gave her any attention whatsoever, LOL.

      Those are some weak ass journalists is all I’m saying.

      Seriously true and frightening thought about ISIS.

      Like

      • The Rolling Stones = Rock ‘n’ Roll’s most over-rated band. Nobody else even comes close.

        ISIS, Taliban, al Qaeda – they all operate on a time frame we can’t begin to understand.

        Like

          • It’s not about the biggest army or the most kick ass air force, that’s why. It’s ironic, but the Continental Army won because they didn’t use the conventional tactics. And that’s what has happened to us in wars since WW2. Of course these terrorist groups are a wholly different situation. But their game plan follows the same vein. Strike in the most unexpected ways when nobody is expecting it. You can’t do anything about that kind of thing.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Conventional warfare is a thing of the past. We’ve been in Afghanistan for seventeen years now, which is mind blowing. As with Vietnam, we have superior firepower, a seemingly endless well of money and the best forces. And yet, here we are.

            Liked by 1 person

      • One of the things about A Star Is Born that appealed to me was seeing “normal” Gaga. She is so talented and beautiful but she masks it all too frequently. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure Gosselin has no talent. Hence the need to draw attention to herself.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. B,

    I was half-tempted to do a short and sweet response but then thought, he’ll think something is wrong with me 😉

    I think who makes the gin martini determines if it should be had. Looks like your judgment was right on the money (like I’m surprised).

    I still have a Tumblr account. Have no idea how to log into it and had no clue it is now porn central. Should I go back and see? Nah… got better ways to spend my days.
    I just had to google the Black-Eyed Susan cocktail. I think that would be most refreshing.
    Parents can be so stupid in naming their children.
    Wow. Some peeps can write stuff on the quick.

    Last meal? I have no clue what would come to mind as I don’t have any particular fave.

    I’m with Mark – ISIS is just biding its time.
    I always thought that an oxymoron that Clark was never found out.
    Lady Gaga is so beautiful au naturel – was nice to see her in A Star is Born for that reason. And she has talent in spades that sometimes cannot be heard with all the crazy paraphernalia she wears.

    Tarantino is in a class by itself.

    Rolling Stones are not anywhere near the top of my list. Never could get the whole brouhaha over them.

    Your last section of list indicates that you were already on your second or third gin martini by the time these random thoughts came in 😉
    Never watched a single episode of 90210
    Electric cars are not something I am sure are a good thing
    I’ll remember the communist schtick
    Oh hell yes on the Bobbitt thing. And do you note that in all the story, HIS name does not come up? Do we even remember it? I’m thinking when a woman chops off her husband’s manhood, it’s coz he deserved it.

    Excellent song choice, as per and have yourself a most wonderful day, now that mine has gotten off with a smile.

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      Is this to say something isn’t wrong with you? 😉

      Yes, the builder holds sway on this classic. If I’d have seen a kid working the bar, I’d have gone with beer. Maybe a neat bourbon.

      I always thought Tumblr to be confining. I had no idea they had gone to porn, but I guess it was a way to attract all the visitors they were losing to WP.

      The Black Eyed Susan does look refreshing, if maybe a tad too sweet for my salty bones.

      No kidding. I think names should be easily changeable. If your parents fuck it up, you should be able to change it.

      Bradbury was a demon when it came to writing. To think, a genius book like that . . in a little more than a week. Jesus.

      I wouldn’t enjoy my last meal anyway, seeing that I would know it was my last meal . . .

      ISIS is indeed lying in the weeds. And we’re just ignorant enough to be surprised when they strike again.

      Clark Kent’s disguise were glasses. I mean, he wasn’t exactly trying very hard!

      Gaga has that “It” thing that so many try to replicate but so few really can.

      And Quentin has it too, for different reasons.

      The Rolling Stones are like sliders and bacon cheeseburgers. Lots is made of it, but really . . no idea why.

      I watched 90210 here and there back in the day. But this new iteration just looks depressing.

      Electric cars have to be built, and it’s not a clean process. So the idea that they’re saving the earth is kinda silly.

      The communists are good for something other than messing with elections . . .

      Absolutely. At the very least, they should have kept the thing on ice until they came to a conclusion in the matter. If it went black and died, oh well. Because yeah, there was plenty of why in the what’s what of something so crazy as that.

      Have a better one. 🙂

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • You have a point. There is so much wrong with me I dunno where to start. So I’ll just ignore it all and move on.

        Smart move.

        It does, I’d cut the OJ with Club Soda.

        In France, you cannot name your child anything you like. They might not be wrong (ex. You cannot name your child Napoleon if you are a Bonaparte; and they won’t accept things like Spatula either)

        It must have been written inside him and all he had to do was put it to paper, so to speak. Mozart worked like that, apparently.

        Right. So Mac ‘n cheese it is.

        Yep. Would be nice to be wrong about ISIS, though.

        Seriously. Glasses? And you call yourselves journalists?

        She does. Oodles of IT.

        He does, as well.

        Not that I won’t enjoy a song of two of theirs, I just don’t adore them.

        I’ll take your word for it, coz I ain’t never gonna see it.

        That, and what do you do with their engines when they’re dead?

        Hah! Now, wasn’t that “proven” to not be true? LOL…

        Keep the thing on ice… nahhhh

        Will do ma best. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Join the club sistah. And it’s why we pals after all. I ain’t letting any normal folk into my club. No huay!

          You read my mind on the club soda. You understand.

          Spatula! Buahahahaha! But I have to agree with my French neighbors on this one. The kid has to tote that around forever. It’s not right.

          The geniuses had a way about them. It was as if they drew the lightning straight from the clouds and onto paper.

          Extra cheesy. If the warden is feeling generous. Baked, to milk some time . . .

          But we ain’t. ISIS is lurching.

          Fake journalists!

          Ooooodles. Jes.

          I feel ya. Like, I ain’t got a problem with Mothers Little Helper of Paint it Black. But I don’t go looking for it either.

          When electric car engines die, unicorns come down and sprinkle fairy dust over them and they just vanish.

          Of course. The Russians had no involvement in anything. And Jeffrey Epstein took his own life. Probably . . .

          You’re right. Garbage disposal it is!

          Your best is superb.

          Liked by 1 person

          • That ‘splains it, then.

            Of course, see your first comment above 😉

            Could you imagine? Peeps be fucking ridiculous on the names for their children. I love Chris Martin and I have a feeling he wasn’t the originator of Apple…

            Oh yes. Beautifully put.

            Right. I mean, it is the last one, after all.

            I am sure they are.

            Right! They work for Trump?

            Yep. I don’t mind Sympathy for the Devil, either…

            You are such a dreamer.

            Nothing. And yes. he probably did…

            Can you just see his face as his dick goes down the garburator (Canadian term for Garbage disposal unit)

            Superb, eh? You’re too kind!

            Liked by 1 person

          • ‘Splains everything.

            Salty, that’s me.

            I wonder if they name the kid Apple if their last name was Pi.

            That is how they rolled. Yes . . that was a thunder pun.

            They should be amenable to more cheese. I mean, who doesn’t like more cheese?

            They’re his speechwriters, I think.

            The electric car people said so! And if they say so then it must be true! Like the internet. It never lies either.

            Or maybe he just slipped and hung himself on that nylon rope and then grabbed a pillow to break his fall but ended up suffocating himself with it.

            The garburator is a so much cooler sounding term. It’s like Schwarzenegger was the inventor!

            In. Deed. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          • 😀
            Nothing better than Sweet and Salty.

            They probably would have. Then again, they went and named their son Moses. Sheesh.

            Love the thunder pun, to go with your lightening.

            They should. ‘Specially in ‘Murica. You guys put cheese on EVERYTHING.

            You may be right.

            If they said so, then it is absolutely true.

            Right! That could happen. Right?

            Isn’t it, though? We Canucks have ourselves a few cool terms.

            MWAH!

            Like

          • I think the reason why I have to have something salty after having something sweet is because when I was young I couldn’t eat sweets close to dinner time.

            They named their son Moses? He must be a lot of fun when they go to the shore . . .

            No sarcasm involved in the making of that pun. 100 sarcasm free.

            We add cheese TO cheese. Seriously.

            I may be crazy.

            It’s like when the infomercial guy says results are guaranteed or your money back. When a politician says trust me. When a televangelist says he talked to Jesus on his way to work . . .

            Oh, and after suffocating himself to within an inch of his life, he accidentally falls on a bullet that lodges perfectly into the back of his head. After which it’s removed and cleaned up by prison officials out of respect to the deceased. Happens all the time.

            Fo shizzle!

            MUAH!

            Like

          • I dunno about that. I think some of us prefer salty and others, sweet, and if we are the salty type, we must cover the sweet with the right saltiness. It’s my excuse, anyway.

            They did! Apple and Moses… And yes, it deserves a pun – with or sans sarcasm 😉

            You guys do. Seriously. Can’t figure out why the obesity levels are so high.

            Boss Man and I have determined that we must include ourselves in the crazy department.

            Right. They are oh so trustworthy – the lot of ’em.

            Of course. How could that not be the way things went down? It does happen all the time. Uh huh.

            🙂

            MWAH!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Which is why, you’ll notice I said “I” . . .;)

            Still looking into the sarcasm thing.

            I mean, we deep fry a block of cheese and pour hot fudge on top. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

            Check!

            Their word is gospel . . . ish.

            Did I mention he was also struck by lightning and was bitten by a deadly scorpion?

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yes, dear…

            I think you think you don’t know how to but you are in reality, a pro.

            Ewwwww.

            🙂

            Gospel… must be why I no longer attend church.

            No! How could you forget that part?

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • Frank says the whole sarcasm thing is fake news. Who’m I to doubt the man?

            You know what ewww was for me? When I ate a deep fried oreo. They put powdered sugar on it, as if I needed it. And then she asked if I wanted chocolate syrup on top of THAT! W in TF?

            Last time I attended church was to play softball and eat. I didn’t actually attend church though . . .

            Oh, and Liam Neeson was seen leaving the premises. But you didn’t hear that from me.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Right. I’m guessing we must trust the professor.

            Oh. Em. Gee. That sounds beyond gross.

            Lemme see…who’s funeral was the last one I attended?

            Gasp! Your secret’s safe with me.

            Liked by 1 person

          • He knows. And if he says sarcasm is akin to Bigfoot and honest politicians, we have to believe him.

            It’s called America.

            Liam isn’t to be messed with. And zero sense of humor. He ain’t the same guy who was in that Love Actually movie. At all . . .

            Liked by 1 person

          • I don’t think he’s going to find anything. Maybe if he were to storm Area 51 in September. But nah . . probably not a good idea.

            Please do. He’s so touchy for a homicidal vigilante.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Or, from what I’ve heard, and this is all hearsay, he could come up to Canada where evil rumours reside about us being in the know on how to do this thing.

            He is…

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Okay…LOVE BUSHY MUSTACHE. For starters. I too LOVE a vodka martini chilled to the bone with a tree of limes. OOH…Better stop.

    ISIS. Yeah, those fuckers that started it all. I still can’t fathom 18 years later, what they did on 9/11/2001 It’s a pity the brains of these terrorists weren’t discovered to examine. Knowing they would kill all these people in Allah’s name. Fucking Allah needs a good lawyer because he’s screaming. NO NO NO.

    Moving on…

    I never thought I’d say this, not after she bumped Audrey from the Tiffany ads, but I’ve come to like Lady Ga Ga. Why? I dunno. Do I think she canoodled with Bradley Cooper? Well, since there are several stages not to mention, ways and means to canoodling, I’m goin’ for a yes, give it an 85, and you can dance to it. Let’s see if Mr. Imma remembers where that’s from.

    9 Days? Wonder of Mr. Bradbury is available for consultation.

    And I’ll just have one of those stuffed olives please.
    SB

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I tried a gin martini once. Thought it was hella cool and would make me look sophisticated. Is sputtering you drink on your date while you cough up a lung cool? But hell I get drunk on two sips of hippie juice so I have no cred!

    Rolling Stones? Isn’t that a magazine? 😜

    Beverly Hills 90210…poke my eyes out should I ever land my clicker on that! No, nevermind, the dialogue will have me brain dead in no time.

    So, do you think John Bobbit is on Tumblr? I just got to know it that thing even works.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It takes an acquired taste to deal with certain drinks. With gin, the acquisition is muy expensivo, LOL.

      Oh Ella! No you di-int! Buahahaha!

      It’s just depressing seeing the gang back together now.

      Get this, he did a few porn flicks after the whole Lorena snip. The thing is Frankenstein . . . literally.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. you gave me hope that later on my book ideas might happen in a snap – once I hone the craft and get more time – I mean – nine days – that is cool.
    _
    and laughing at the TM on the Big Guy
    Big Guy™
    hahahhha
    my dad refereed to God as that – it makes me smile to see it (I think the TM is his tho – just sayin’ – he was born in 33 so….)
    and congrats on not smoking – 🙂
    oh and lady Gaga hanging out – that is fun…
    I had a “celeb’s sister” come take one of my Sunday night yoga classes – not a big deal actually – but in our culture we note these things eh? even tho I am not one to gawk at celebs – unless they are someone I admire. we have local juggler guy and if he shows up at an event I show that i am a fan –

    Liked by 1 person

    • I once said that I would become a monk at 60 and then start writing books. With my head all clear of everything but peace and words, the books would be a snap. I’m beginning to think this might actually happen that way LOL.

      I think God would have great legal representation if he wasn’t working entirely behind the scenes. They’d tell him to make sure he protects the brand. As everything is a brand these days.

      I use that reference. Or the man upstairs. I leave out the TM since I don’t want to insult Him.

      I miss it every day. But I don’t need to push it, so I won’t go back. COPD scares me more than anything. That is hell.

      She is such a sexy creature when she’s all dressed down. Very cool.

      We idolize these peeps, and in so doing we forget they are peeps. I think most of them just want to live their lives as peeps when they’re not working.

      Liked by 1 person

      • yes – to the “just want to live their lives as peeps when they’re not working.”
        and this is mean – but too bad if they cannot because this is what they signed up for when the lusted for the part – half kidding – but it is what it is and go live in another country or odd state if you want space.

        and the monk idea is funny – can you still have one drink at a time in monk peace book mode??
        and remember when I said I had the Orioles stadium photo to show ya (said it a few months ago) – I posted it Thursday

        Liked by 1 person

  7. So that’s what happens when God and martinis get mixed up, huh? Those are some pretty deep random thoughts. I’m s tequila person myself, but I appreciate the thoughts in any form. I especially appreciate the 90210. Everyone but me was excited to see that, it just wasn’t for me. The whole Fox thing with the Melrose Place gave me nausea. So I was like … Pass! And Quentin rocks. I don’t know if I’d go that far, but high give to him if it got him to where he is now because Once Upon a Time is so good!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been at the intersection of God and Martinis . . the shit gets real.

      It’s funny you say that about tequila because I can speak to its popularity. Back in my writers pad days, I always had the stuff on hand even though I never bought it. It IS the drink of choice for many.

      I just can’t do it. When I read about the premise, that it was going to merge the old show and bring everyone back in a mock-doc . . I was out. And also, no Luke Perry. Nope, can’t.

      Quentin is out there alright. But he’s a fascinating individual. Hollywood was SO good, but I am kind of sad knowing he only has one more behind the camera. He’s calling it quits after his next one.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dude yes! I couldn’t believe when I heard he was only doing 10. I was like WHAT?! He’s got such a unique perspective and I love his stories. I wonder what he’s going to do after number 10. He’s original. Don’t know if you’ve seen the movie but it was so good. I went in not wanting to know the plot or if it had any twists. And that was GREAT! I really enjoyed the story and the acting was so good. After watching it I was like that’s it! I need to get off my butt and create. STOP sitting in the slump of rejection of the job hunt. And so it is … writing again. Then I sent a quick note to a buddy of mine telling her how awesome her quest in indie filmmaking was and to keep chugging along. Don’t know if she needed the high five but I gave it to her anyway 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • I saw it last week, it was amazing. He is such an immense talent, that it seems obscene that he won’t be doing more than ten. But he said he doesn’t want to be some old dude director doing movies. But hey, it worked for Clint! I did however, think to myself that maybe he goes to TV. He could direct one hell of a show, and it’s not going against his plan since he mentioned movies.

          It’s always good to get a high five from a pal. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • TV. He could totally be a creator of an amazing show. The kind that everyone has to stop what they’re doing and watch it live, forget recording it, you don’t want to chance it 🙂 or books. I LOVE His stories… but then he’ll run the risk of someone wanting to do a movie based on his book or TV show 😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • I can absolutely see that.
            Well if they do that, Quentin would probably be a bit older and a big more cranky and he’d hold them up in court if he wasn’t down with the project, LOL.

            Like

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