Matters Of Little Consequence

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in the wind, and you don’t rekindle a spark that led to a five alarm fire that burned down your whole fucking house. But hey, morbid curiosity happens to be my weakness, and I have a closet full of chips to prove it. It’s not like I can help it. Besides, I had to experience what a second act was going to feel like. I imagined Beethoven coming back to finish his unfinished business. With lots of acrimony, ill gotten meds, screaming passion and obscenely constructed adult beverages tossed into the mix. 

I missed her over those forty six days, yes. But I missed the craziness of it all just as much. When you suffer from depression and you ride up on something that makes you feel differently, you crave more of that drug, because you need to keep that high going.

It wasn’t about being happy inside our time together, because for me it never is. But with her, I was bending the edges of the milky way and cunning the logic out of madness in a plush Al Green spill of narratives and events and twists and turns that perplexed and sometimes even confounded me. When you ain’t gonna find happiness, you become expert at finding an even more potent secondary market fix. And she was it.

I had lied to her in the early going of our first go round. Silly little fabrications that were polymer laden cliches from dollar bin romance novels that would’ve made Hemingway shoot himself in the head all over again. And yet, it felt appropriate to do so for the purpose of our inevitable expedition.

I’d say stuff like how I wanted to sleep in the same bed with someone for more than a night or two. And how I liked Dave Matthews, and movies with sub titles. And gin. These were not awful lies. Let’s just say they were renderings of negligible parody; symmetrical flourishes that helped fortify our connection, and whose obsequious nature would make me seem less contented with bachelorhood than I really was.

Truth is, I loved sleeping alone and I hated Dave Matthews and movies with sub titles. And I wasn’t all that crazy about gin either. But if love teaches you anything, it is to lie with prudence. Never, ever lie about fidelity. But stupid shit? Have at it.

See, searching for the truth and telling the truth are mutually exclusive concepts. We tend to the former as if a prized topiary; we devour self help books and then crash diet on the tenets of stoicism whilst strengthening our unsteady legs with Zen exercises compiled by people with thousand dollar tan lines. It numbs us to any kind of honest perspective to such an extent that telling the truth is forced to take the bus.

I never lied to the Dame about another woman, because fidelity has always been my genuine kitsch. I have done some extraordinarily fucked up shit in my life, but I’ve also never cheated inside of a committed relationship. Even made up committed relationships with married women. Even those. I blame the fact that I was raised on sitcoms with thirty second lead in tunes. And Barbara Streisand.

Our breakup in November was opera, but it was her opera. She was stranded on an island of infidelities forged by her caveman of an ex husband. And so when I came along, of course she filled in those gaps as if she were the post mistress of Tombstone. After which came the accusations she threw at my head like an Aroldis Chapman fastball that was double dating with the grim reaper. She accused me of messing around and she had a laundry list of license plates. And I didn’t take too kindly to being accused of something I wasn’t enjoying, so we had our what’s what moment. And it ended rather abruptly.

So this second time around thing was, to put it mildly, dubious. But so everlastingly worth figuring out just the same. Just because it was so much more worth it than pulling some cheery high note from a website clearinghouse of feel good quotes in order to make Mondays go down a little smoother.

Never mind there was a good chance she was gonna kill me for real the second time around.

I wasn’t holding it against her.






33 thoughts on “Matters Of Little Consequence

  1. B,

    You do, DO all those things mentioned if there is some unfinished business (read morbid curiosity, need for proper closure, another lesson to be learnt) and at the same time, I actually understand that need to “go see what will happen” having done it once or twice myself.

    And I understand how you can miss the crazy because it made you feel alive – even if it was a toxic kind of alive. And alive does not mean happy, either, unfortunately.

    The lies I think we have all said them at one time or another. Either to convince ourselves or to get further in the game, to be “liked” and show we are so “compatible”. That’s one of the great things of maturity. We don’t give a fuck now. I don’t like stupid comedy so no, I don’t want to go see XYZ…

    I’m with you on the fidelity thing. It is the one lie I will not tell nor accept. If I’m hanging with a married guy, it is his issue, not mine. I wouldn’t cheat on my guy but that’s me. What you do? It’s yours.

    Nothing worse than arriving in a relationship of whatever sort and bearing the brunt of the previous inhabitant. When I was on the dating sites, as soon as I saw the word “fidelity” – either stating he was or wanting to make sure the women were – it was enough to swipe left. That meant he had been cheated on and was insecure about that. Non merci. And nothing worse than being accused of something to which we are innocent.

    And that second time around was, as I mentioned in the beginning of my essay 😉, something you needed to do to help you figure out what you needed to or maybe just for confirmation of what you already knew. Sometimes we need an extra smack in the back of the head to wedge it in…

    Your writing is, as always, the best part of this. And of course you picked the PERFECT tune!


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      I think it was a case of two incredibly strong headed individuals who were unwilling to give an inch to the other. We made an awful pairing if you were to run the numbers logistically, like one of those E-Harmony profile builders. But life ain’t a lab, yanno?

      That manic that I lose myself inside of from time to time? Imagine that, like, all the time. If it wasn’t her it was me. And on those occasions when it was both of us, I really think if we would have lived in the same place, she might have killed me. Literally, LOL.

      It takes age to gain perspective, there really is no other way to go about it. Thing is, I’m lousy at capitulation, which goes back to the head made of iron thing.

      Eggsactly! I always felt like, I didn’t want infidelity to be the reason something didn’t work. Did I think about it in my marriage or in certain committed relationships? Sure, who doesn’t? But I couldn’t. I knew it was better to leave. With the Dame, I never even contemplated. I think I was afraid she could read my mind or something. Yikes.

      Yeah, that’s just not going to work. I used to say, I don’t mind baggage because I have my own. But I ain’t carrying someone’s baggage. We can deal with it, together, but don’t go slamming me upside the head because your previous partner couldn’t keep it in his pants. And that was a line I used with her, which really set her off, LOL. I said something along the lines of her imagination giving me a really exciting sex life and that I was almost jealous of it!

      I got the extra smack. And I deserved it. Listen, I could rail on about her being a crazy bitch. But in fairness I’d have to raise my hand and plead guilty to the same.

      Britney. Fucking Britney. I love that girl though. She made it all the way back.

      As always, you are too good to me. But I ain’t complaining.


      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, do I ever know. And why we continue forging ahead when we know it ain’t gonna be harmonious, I don’t know.

        That is a most scary scenario. The manic is not an easy thing to deal with so if you are with someone who is also this? An accident waiting to happen.

        It does. And the sad thing is, some never do gain it. I can’t say I am too good at it either.

        Infidelity is so easy today. Everyone is doing it. I say this with tongue firmly planted in cheek. It is not an option for me. And yes, of course I thought of it. And there is nothing worse than when you don’t even contemplate something yet you get accused of it.

        Buahaha! I love that line! And I can well imagine it setting her off because she was guilty of a false accusation (though, probably, in her state of mind, everyone is guilty). We have enough with dealing with our own baggage without having theirs dumped on top.

        Sometimes we deserve that extra smack. And it is rare that we are not also a little guilty…

        She did! Though… what’s she been up to lately?

        Please don’t complain. Just accept.

        Liked by 1 person

        • It’s a form of thrill seeking? I dunno . . I got nothing.

          It was an accident happening, all the time. When we were good, it was nice. But there wasn’t much good. It was mostly going somewhere else.

          Me either.

          It’s the worst. She accused me of being with another blogger. Who lived in Seattle. Because of course I flew all over the map, WTF. She also accused me of being with a good friend of mine who was happily married. That concerned me greatly because I didn’t want that kind of shit affecting her. And she accused me of being with my ex wife! Come on now.

          She didn’t love it, LOL. But it was true and I simply called her on it and she knew it. When we made up in January, she apologized and said it was crazy, all those things she said. I just nodded my head and wondered if it was every gonna happen again.

          I deserve smacks.

          I’m not sure. But she looks great.

          Of course.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I think it is!

            The good must outweigh the bad for anything to last a decent amount of time.

            Nice to know you were such a jet-setter 😉 Those accusations are ridiculous but then, she was not stable in that department so she saw ghosts everywhere, I’m thinking.

            I don’t suppose she did. It’s a great one, though. And when we are called on our shit that we know is true, the least we can do is be gracious about it. That said, I can imagine you nodding your head wondering where the next bullet will come from.


            She does. I just googled her for the hellovit and her website says she is taking an indefinite hiatus (as of January, 2019).

            Good. They are deserved.

            Liked by 1 person

          • The good was always a tenuous thing with us. Fleeting. Always.

            She had lots of shit happen to her. I get it. Now. I mean, hindsight truly is a bitch. Because if I had to do it all over again, I’d have just remained friends with her. No matter the attraction and all that. Because there was a goodness to her that was quite humbling. It’s just that, the damage. It was much.

            I did always wonder that. And it weighs heavily.

            To have the ability to take an indefinite hiatus. God bless her, LOL.


            Liked by 1 person

          • And I’m thinking with hindsight, you can see that ever more clearly.

            Hah! I should read all your comment before commenting. Hindsight is a bitch. But then again, I really feel there is a purpose for us to NOT see it at the time. Maybe you would have managed to keep that just friends, maybe it would have bugged you that you did. Neither here nor there as it is a “moo” point (to paraphrase Joey). And there had to be a goodness in her. I just don’t see you being attracted to one who doesn’t have a smidge.

            Why does it weigh heavily?

            And good for her. That girl was thrown into the spotlight totally unprepared.


            Liked by 1 person

          • I want to finish this series up some time in the next few weeks, but I think it’s really important to tell a story about when we went looking for her brother. Who was an addict. On Thanksgiving Day. She was the only one in her family who gave a fuck about him, and when he called she had to go get him. I wanted to come with her because she was really emotional and I wanted to be there for her. I won’t give any more away, but what she did for her brother on that day. It’s just one of the most selfless things I’ve witnessed. Shit like that makes me thankful I was with her. The rest of it was muy unfortunate. But that day taught me lots. About compassion. About life.

            It weighs heavily when you can’t imagine what might be next.

            She really was. Peeps like to think they would have done it so much better, but hell, they have no idea.

            Liked by 1 person

          • That will make it a good run, methinks.
            And yes, do show us a really good part of who she is. Because for sure there had to be something more. I shall be patient. Sigh.

            OK, that I get.

            Poor kid barely stood a chance.

            Liked by 1 person

          • This story is about so many things, mental illness not the least of it.

            It’s hard to admit the broken parts of you sometimes. We tend to veer from that, because it leave us vulnerable.

            Before we know it, Britney will be a hot grandma on some sitcom, LOL.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I get it.

            It is so hard to admit the broken parts of you. Being vulnerable opens ourselves up to so much – more. Yes, pain, but also wonderful things…

            She will!!

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Lying with prudence is a novel concept. And it does suck to be accused of a crime you haven’t committed. As always, your talent for wordsmithing leaves me in awe. Bending the Milky Way, cunning logic from madness, etc. etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It seemed a concept worth approaching, at the time.

      That really sucked. And it was such a strange feeling, because I was so damn sad for her while at the same time being majorly pissed at the accusations.

      Thank you Eilene, very much.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Obscenely constructed adult beverages” sound like the perfect (and mandatory) coping skill for this trash dumpster of a relationship, especially Round 2. As a general rule though, you can’t be enough suspicious of anyone who says they like Dave Matthews. Just thinking that might have been a big clue, perhaps even more than of the other red lights. 😈

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sometimes in psych lessons we teach about the defense mechanism of projecting and the mock example that comes up is of a cheating partner who accuses the other one of cheating – and so hearing a real life example reminds me that it happens …
    and ugh – I hate cheaters…
    and we have this in common
    “fidelity has always been my genuine kitsch.”
    in 1988 (yikes) I wanted to go out with EM but made a phone call to S to finally cut the cord – lol – and proud of the integrity side that comes with that –

    and smiling at little references here – like “caveman” and “tombstone”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t imagine that she cheated. While I couldn’t say for absolute certainty, I don’t think that was ever the case.

      Her ex had been a total piece of shit. Excuse my French, but that’s the best I can say about him. He was a serial cheater. And so it followed her, that inability to trust. Anyone. It was awful, because once she realized how wrong she was, you could tell she was sorry. But she couldn’t help it. It was agonizing for both of us.

      Thank you for the chime, Prior.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. “When you suffer from depression and you ride up on something that makes you feel differently, you crave more of that drug, because you need to keep that high going.”

    I have a thing and your series of posts telling this story keep hitting me in the ol’ memory banks for this thing. It’s both pleasure and pain. Keep telling your tale.

    Liked by 1 person

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