First Draft Horoscopes- Virgo!

 

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Your adventurous side might decide it wants to come out and play. So don’t make any appointments tomorrow, because your idea of adventure starts with gin and ends with bail. In fact, you should play it safe: Call in sick, order delivery for dinner and don’t answer your phone. Limit all human contact.

The stars insist you have a hidden talent for an activity other than sleeping with your secretary. Maybe you could try your hand at something extreme: White water rafting, mountain climbing, skydiving, bullfighting, alligator wrestling, rooting for the Orioles, trying convenience store sushi, or shoplifting at Cabela’s. Just be mindful that if you decide to skip with those waterproof thermals, you best have a getaway driver because Cabela’s team members shoot to kill. Those fuckers don’t play.

It’s also a good time to tackle new projects. Like maybe paying off one of your twenty eight credit cards. Maybe it’s time to return your next door neighbor’s prosthetic leg that you’ve been using as a doorstop. Learn how to open the hood of your car. Replace the artificial plants you placed around your house. Prune those middle fingers off the shrubs outside your front door. The sky’s the limit, homie.

31 thoughts on “First Draft Horoscopes- Virgo!

  1. Dear Marco,

    Ouch, I’m a Virgo. How did you know about the prosthetic leg? I was planning to have it made into a lamp. Besides the neighbor has a new one. And he has a pretty good hop on. Q must’ve told you about the gin and jail. I told her that was our little secret. Mountain climbing and skydiving are out. I’m afraid of heights. I’m not too fond of alligators either. That pretty much leaves convenience store sushi. Ugh. I’ve read the ingredients on that dreck. No thanks. Happy Tuesday.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rochelle,

      No worries. Wait until you see what I do with Libra! (Mine). πŸ˜‰

      Well, I tried coming up with some other use and all I could think of was a lamp, LOL. And A Christmas Story covered that one already so I figured I would go with doorstop.

      She didn’t. But I’ve some not so fond memories of gin. It does crazy things. Don’t worry, Q didn’t give up any secrets. πŸ˜‰

      I have to read the ingredients now, you’ve piqued my curiosity.

      Happy Tuesday.

      Shalom,

      Marco

      Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s the weirdest (and probably most inaccurate) view on Virgos I’ve ever seen. We are loyal (to a fault), somewhat intense, a ‘tad’ critical and very analytical. And that whole Orioles/Mason Dixon line thing…nope…that’d never fly in Virgo-land.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I was in love with a Virgo once named Dennis, who used to wipe off my shoes after I took them off. If I went to the bathroom, he’d fluff the cushion of the chair i was on, and sex, well…like doin’ it in a baggie. Give me an earthy Taurian or Capricorn any day.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Had to laugh out loud at this one, Marc. I think you have described every Virgo I have met. I always look back with fond memories of sharing a night with a Vergo that started with gin and ended with bail. That’s why a c-note in my shoe was de rigour in preparation to go out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. B,

    I’m surrounded by DamnVirgos and have to say none of ’em are gonna be pleased with this one – see Monika above πŸ˜‰ They can get their knickers in a knot over the smallest thing.

    You’d think after living with three Virgos (father, sisters) I would have learnt something but no… I moved out and in with another. I loved to make him crazy by putting things off-kilter. They do like their things aligned…

    Always good for a laugh. Can’t wait to see yours as it’s next!

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      But they’re good peeps. And hey, I play equal opportunity offender, because next month, Libra is gonna get a spanking and then some!

      You? Tried to mess with someone’s kilter? Say it ain’t so Josie! πŸ˜‰

      It’s gonna be fuuuuugly!

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • They are. And yeah, I can’t wait to read yours (and have to wait a good long while for mine – but that’s ok, no rush. Times goes fast enough already.

        Yep. I did that.

        I’ve no doubt πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

        • Libras best start running now, is all I gotta say. It’s funny, because I’ve done these horoscopes so sporadically that I don’t remember who I covered and who I missed!

          I’m shocked, I tell you. Shocked! πŸ˜‰

          With a capital F.

          Like

  6. This was so funny. Keep them coming! Like First Drafts On Stephen Colbert when does like Mother’s Day Cards, Christmas, Easter, etc … I just immediately thought of Christmas Story when you said prosthetic leg, had you said prosthetic arm I would have thought The Fugitive:) I think it’s hilarious that people take these things bit too seriously. I mean there’s a whole relationship strategy based on this stuff. Like OH 2 Leo’s… that’s disaster. Most of the time if people are happy, brave, exciting, crabby, moody, I mostly attribute that to their family/upbringing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Christmas Story is the winner of the day! LOL.

      I like my horoscope reading. When it tells me Imma win the Powerball and meet Vera Farmiga. Otherwise, I am usually indifferent to the stuff.

      And I’m with you on that last point of yours. Totes. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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