Matters Of Little Consequence

By the time spring started tickling the air with a dusty fever, the eight hundred pound gorilla had lost most of its weight. Dan was writing sporadically, leaving me to pick up the slack. Meanwhile, me and the Dame were figuring it out. And, because there is no such thing as simple math, a great big matzoh ball of a mystery was being played out, the results of which I wouldn’t learn until the blog was six feet under.

Me and the boys convened at McCleary’s Public House- a river town pub whose patrons were a funky soup of factory workers, college peeps and small business owners. It was the weekend and some cover band was pissing on the platinum sage lyrics of Cobain. When you make Lake of Fire sound like a boy band ballad, you should be brought up on charges.

It was my first and only time meeting Richie, and all those first impressions I’d collected were proving correct. He talked higher than his ass, about everything. When Chris and me started riffing about our ideas for the podcast, Richie had to interject his thoughts on the blog. The dude was floating more bells and whistles than a degenerate gambler on safari in Vegas. So far, he’d delivered shit.

We let him go on for a while since he’d sprung for the first round, but things were getting nowhere at the speed of light. It devolved into him talking about some chick from Jersey, and his businesses and his brilliant mind. His hairline was receding faster than the arctic glaciers, his paunch had more keep than a Rockefeller trust fund and his personality was a flailing strike. And somehow, Dan thought this asshole was a good idea for us.

Speaking of Dan, I couldn’t shake the feeling something was going on, to which Dan and Chris were holding tight. It wasn’t unusual to feel like the third wheel around those two, but this was different and I was pretty certain it had to do with the blog. It was doing nothing to assuage my suspicions that Chris and Dan were planning a mutiny. It didn’t matter that I was the only erstwhile scribe the fucking thing had going. By this point, nothing about the blog was making any sense. 

“So what’s this about you writing on that chick’s blog?” Richie asked me out of the blue.

The question felt like a punch to the face once I realized what he was talking about. It took a few moments to put together where this line of questioning could have come from. Dan.

“What in the blessed fuck does that have to do with getting us a website?” I asked.

“She hot?”

“She’s not pregnant or your cousin, so you wouldn’t be interested,” I said. The guys all cracked up after which Dan changed the subject quickly.

I was devoting more of my time to the Dame, sure. But that was because she’d stopped writing on the regular and without that steam vent, things could get menacingly perpendicular for us. My involvement in her writing life was equal parts wondrous fascination and self preservation. And it was nobody’s business but our own. 

At this point, I knew I had to take a breather from this catastrophe of a get together or there was going to be a scene. So I told Dan I was going out to call the Dame and gave him a look as if to say If your asshole friend has any inkling to join me, Imma need bail money. 

I called Dame, who cut our chat short because her oldest daughter was visiting, so I delayed my return inside by talking with Till Tuesday and her new friend- a construction worker who’d done work on Lincoln Financial Field. I was starting to feel the buzz of the shots, the Guinness and the smokes. It’s that peaceful, easy feeling when a certain time of the evening goes plush to necessary solutions. I was having such a good time chatting it up, I almost forgot about the miserable shit that awaited me when I went back inside. And then Dan made the scene.

“What’s wrong with you tonight dude?”

“Me? I’m listening to Richie sell us on ground floor real estate to a blog we built, and that you couldn’t care less about writing on now that we have a podcast with Chris. Never mind that it came about only because of the blog,”

“Sorry . . . It’s just, I’ve been going through it and my mind has been shit for,” Dan confessed.

“What’s going on?”

“Me and Em are fighting. I know it’s not fair to you or the blog . . . and maybe that’s what I need to do, you know? Just fucking write again . . take my mind off everything else?”

I almost felt badly for suspecting him of mutiny. Almost. But the more questions I threw his way, the more he ducked and ran. And while I knew this wasn’t about the blog, I also knew it was adversely affecting it.  So I got to pressing before . . .

“You fellas going to Haydn Zugs?”

Standing directly in front of us was a breathalyzer test’s wet dream and this asshole wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“Sorry man, but if we were going there . . why would we be here?” I asked with a straight face. The irony was lost on him.

“I need a ride there! I got a date!”

“So . . what was the plan exactly? Get drunk here, with no ride to the place where you have a date . . . ” I smiled.

“It’s not your fucking business,” He slurred.

“Incorrect. Because you made it my business when you asked for a ride, Sparky,”

“Fuck you then . . I’ll just slash your tires!”

“Hey fuckhead, get a cab!” Dan bellowed, stepping forward and opening his jacket to reveal his revolver. He had a permit to carry, but I’m pretty sure he still would’ve carried it even without one.

“I’m calling my brother, man . . . he’s a state cop!”

“Call him and tell him you’re drunk and you’re gonna slash some tires . . and then tell him to bring donuts. Chocolate glazed . . .” I laughed.

“I should fucking call him right now . . .”

“Call him . . . ” I said calmly. “Tell him that I prevented you from slashing some tires by kicking your ass. After which my friend here put you down after you reached for his gun when he was trying to pull me off you before I put you in a coma,”

“You guys are fucking nuts!” He shouted as he walked off into the night as me and Dan laughed our asses off whilst popping the top on another pack of smokes.

The episode was a microcosm of the blog: An accident of misbegotten times and places that was blatantly offensive and downright stupid. A bat-shit crazy run on sentence that was destined for nothing good.

Full of bluster and fire until it stumbled off into the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

51 thoughts on “Matters Of Little Consequence

  1. Sounds like a good guy argument that ends with laughing so hard the underwear takes a hit. At the end (another word for the morning) no one can remember what the tussle was about and besides the nail running from ear to ear needs attention. Super post, Marc.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Getting people on the same page is one thing, but achieving that in the wild, wild west of the early days of blogging had to be nearly impossible. Meanwhile, I agree with Mark – bring on the Dame! But I know – she’s on deck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really always felt like the third wheel during our venture. Chris and Dan were best friends, and I think there was a tad bit more resentment towards me than they confessed when I wouldn’t let Chris write on the blog.

      The Dame is next up. And how!

      Liked by 1 person

        • It will be.

          The Dolphins may be even worse than any of us anticipated. They showed absolutely nothing today, and now comes word that Dolphins players want out. I’m like, you don’t compete, at all and YOU want out? How’s about those poor fans who had to be subjected to that?

          Liked by 1 person

          • I think any player on that roster that wants out should be granted their wish. The Dolphins are going to be pretty bad, but they don’t need players who don’t want to be there. And like I said, they contributed to this and they’re complaining?

            Liked by 1 person

          • Got to be in it for the long-haul. Running is an admission that one is part of the problem, not the solution. Coach is trying to change the culture – but he can’t afford to get waxed again like last week.

            Liked by 1 person

          • If Flores takes the fall before they can begin to right this thing, that would be a shame. What bugs me is how the players act as if they were traded IN to this. Hell, they were here when the Dolphins were doing absolutely nothing.

            Liked by 1 person

          • It’s a dubious beginning for sure. But I’m miffed over the fact that everyone is going crazy about Miami tanking and yet they had absolutely no problem with them being crash test dummies finishing behind the Patriots for the last two decades.

            My friend has Elliott and Mahomes. Which is almost unfair, really.

            Congratulations on the week 1 win! And hey, the Raiders won too! I was actually happy to see that.

            Like

  3. Damn, B. You can write!

    “By the time spring started tickling the air with a dusty fever…”, “His hairline was receding faster than the arctic glaciers”, “a breathalyzer test’s wet dream…”. I think you could write about the most boring shit and make it dance and sing.

    Anyhoo… I digress. Making Nirvana sound like a boy band is a crime of unspeakable proportions.

    It must be more than a frustration to feel like the odd-man-out even if you are the main contributor. And Dan obviously had a big mouth. What business was it of anyone’s what you and Dame were up to?

    Holy Frijole! That scene outside the club could have gone south fast. Jee-zus. Of course you can laugh your asses off after the fact and no one got hurt… still. You guys were nuts.

    Another fantastic episode and I cannot even fathom what comes next. But can’t wait.

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      Hahaha! Thank you lovely. And yeah, Richie was the most boring shit for sure. He was in love with himself and he wanted everybody to know how amazing he was. What a putz.

      Those sons a bitches shoulda been locked up for the night and forced to sign a contract which stated they would never sing again. When those dudes carried a tune, it came inside a coffin!

      That really pissed me off. But yeah, I did feel like the odd man out in that group. And I wasn’t just going to walk away from it. This is why I was fine with Dan pulling the plug. Because I felt like I was either going to be a part of it, or it was going to be gone.

      It wasn’t the only instance as far as guns was concerned. If you asked for a show of hands of peeps who want to be right there when the shit goes down, I’d be raising my hand. Nuts indeed.

      Thank you for the sugar, sugar. 🙂

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • Be glad you only met him that one time, then!

        Buahaha! That is too funny. There are some really bad bands out there…

        Just as well he pulled the plug. You didn’t need to be dragged down some black hole.

        Eesh… You ‘Muricans. Hope you’ve lost some of that desire…

        Always, Sweets!

        Liked by 1 person

        • That was one of the biggest points of contention with me, and why I was never comfortable. All these peeps who wanted to be a part of it. I didn’t feel any allegiance to them whatsoever.

          SO true. They were on the short list.

          I wanted it gone because I really thought they were going to try it without me. And I didn’t want my stuff involved in whatever the hell they came up with.

          I’m so mellow now, I scare myself! LOL

          Schweet!

          Liked by 1 person

          • It becomes a “too many cooks” situation, as well.

            Hah!

            That would have blown so I’m glad it went down as it did without dragging you along.

            Oh. I’m sure the Bronx comes out when needed 😉

            With a little spice…

            Liked by 1 person

          • And me, I was cooking while these sous chef wannabes were storming the boat.

            Yanno, I made a copy of that blog and put it away. It’s like an old relic of a cave. But I did so in the event they ever tried starting it up again somewhere else with my stuff included. Because nah.

            And I didn’t (won’t) mention how Dan DID start another blog by almost the same name after this one imploded. He changed it from ‘gorilla’ to ‘guerilla’.

            One post.

            When the Bronx is needed, he shows himself.

            Need the spice.

            Liked by 1 person

          • They were more like busboys thinking they were qualified.

            Smart of you. And a huge NAH.

            Dude… What a maroon.

            One post? Haha!!

            I have zero doubt. Like if you’d been around for the Museum…

            Without a doubt

            Liked by 1 person

          • I mean, Chris was great with the podcast. That was his wheelhouse. And Dan was great with technical shit, that was his. I was the writer. It all should have worked so well. But . . .

            It’s so weird to go through it. All it needs is the cobwebs, LOL.

            One post. His introduction to the new blog.

            Yeah, shit would have gone down! 🙂

            And a cerveza ain’t a bad idea either.

            Liked by 1 person

          • It should have… Goes to show there’s more to a “marriage” then each having their share…

            No kidding. I’m sure you can find some.

            Too funny. Intro to. Nothing.

            I have zero doubt. But I managed relatively well

            Absolutely. With a chaser of bourbon.

            Liked by 1 person

          • That is one true statement right there. It seemed a slam dunk of a situation, until it wasn’t.

            It’s where I cull posts from the archives every now and then. Like the Joe Peschi one with Don Quixote, LOL.

            Yep, I remember mean and the Dame were talking about that one. Lots.

            Oh no doubt you can take care of yourself. It’s just good to have backup is all. 😉

            Ooooh, there’s the recipe.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Goes to show. Chemistry is huge, too.

            I know it – and love that you do!

            You must’ve laughed over it.

            Yeah. Well. It is more than nice to have someone in my corner.

            Don’t I know it!

            Liked by 1 person

          • The chemistry was always tenuous. I think early on it all worked because we were just going with it.

            That was a popular one, hahaha!

            He wasn’t her favorite person, let’s just say that.

            Always is.

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

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