Damn Patriots

I was talking to a friend after the AB circus was cancelled in Oakland, leaving the deranged diva as the most toxic free agent since Kim Kardashian filed for divorce five minutes after marrying some NBA player.

“As long as Brown doesn’t sign with the Patriots, I’m good,” I joked.

“Dude . . Brown just signed with the Patriots . . ” My friend replied.

Of fucking course he did.

If there was any debate as to the most reviled franchise in professional sports, the New England Patriots just won it, again. Seriously . . gimme a more hated group than the boys from the 508. And no, ISIS doesn’t count.

Once upon a time, my beloved New York Yankees held that title with a seemingly eternal grip. In a swath of history that began with the Murderers Row lineup of 1927 and plowed through war torn lineups in the ’40’s, the golden age of baseball in the ’50’s and expansion in the ’60’s, the Yankees remained the most recognizable symbol of enmity in sports. They were immortalized on stage and screen as Damn Yankees, harmonized in Simon and Garfunkel’s Mrs. Robinson and despised by opposing fans everywhere.

They answered an eleven year championship drought- from 1964 to 1975- with a bunch of mercenaries and sons of bitches when the “Bronx Zoo” iteration won three straight pennants and two World Series titles in the late ’70’s. After which came ever more creative rivals to their most hated throne. The Los Angeles Lakers held a time share for most hated team in sports in the eighties, but Magic buffered any possibility of nuclear enmity. The Dallas Cowboys took up Mickey’s mantle in the ’90’s, but not for long enough a time to breach the gap.

The Russian hockey team was hated whenever the Winter Olympics came calling, but that was a matter of Stalin and Sputnik more than sport. The Edmonton Oilers were hated until Gretkzy was traded to America, after which all was forgiven. The Mets moved out of the Yankees basement in the mid eighties and became a renegade team of hate-worthiness, but their hard partying ways derailed any chance of a long term reign.

By the time the James Gang Miami Heat went Banksy on the Association in 2010, it was too late. The Yankees had already lost their Evil Empire to the New England Patriots. And it wasn’t even close.

The nexus of this changing of the guard came in the fall and winter of 2001-2002. The Yankees were at the height of their villainy entering a campaign in which they had added ace pitcher Mike Mussina from the rival Baltimore Orioles to a team that was favored to win a fourth straight title. When September 11th happened, it muted the national hatred for the pinstripes. Some fans even forged a temporary alliance with the Yanks on account of a city’s gaping wound. When the Yankees lost the World Series to the Arizona Diamondbacks, it signaled both the end of a dynasty as well as their title as the most hated team in sports.

We just didn’t know it yet.

In February of 2002, the Patriots upset the heavily favored Rams in Super Bowl 36. To that point, Bill Belichick had been a middling disappointment as head coach and Tom Brady was a little known backup QB turned starter. The irony is that the Patriots shouldn’t have even made it to the Super Bowl that year, but for the “Tuck Rule Game” in which a Tom Brady fumble was ruled . . get this, an incomplete pass. Oh, and the team they beat in that infamous game? Jon Gruden and the Oakland Raiders. You really cannot make this shit up.

Fast forward seventeen years and the Patriots just screwed Gruden and the Raiders again with their signing of Antonio Brown. Unlike that first Super Bowl victory, the Patriots are no longer a feel good story. They have presided over an unprecedented run of success and scandal in the time since, collecting 6 Super Bowl titles, 9 Conference titles 16 division titles and more -Gates than the poshest neighborhood in Hollywood.

So now the most hated team has the most hated player. It’s the sporting equivalent of the Manson family adopting Pennywise. And okay yes . . Tom Brady is probably going to start acting his age this season and the Patriots can’t possibly make it back to the Super Bowl again and oh wait . . hold on I’ve got a phone call. Hey! It’s me calling, from this time last year!

Hey what’s up? Oh really, I said the same shit this time last year? 

Umm . . . never mind.

It doesn’t seem possible that a team birthed by monarch butterflies on a farm (I read it on the dark web) . . a team that once wore uniforms straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting . . a team that calls itself Patriots, could elicit the sort of rage my Yankees once took for granted.

It’s gotten so bad that after my pal Big Papi’s Orioles were basically eliminated from postseason play back in June, he told me he would be rooting for my Yankees to win it all. To which I replied with “Fuck you,”

I wonder if Antonio Brown plays baseball.

 

 

 

 

56 thoughts on “Damn Patriots

    • The Cowboys were a natural fit. As for Gordon, he’s a kid who has struggled monumentally and the only member of the Patriots I root for.

      But man, as far as most hated team is concerned, there is the Patriots and then there is everybody else.

      The Red Stockings missed out on Twitter by a hundred and fifty years.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Yeah, so much for your theory that he wouldn’t be a good fit with the Patriots. There is a rumor going around that this is what AB wanted all along and his antics of the last few months were designed to produce just this result.

    The Patriots cheat. I’m convinced of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, I never said he wouldn’t be a good fit with New England. If he plays it straight, he’s going to be a monster in that offense.

      IF he plays it straight.

      Patriots cheat? Surely you jest!

      Like

  2. B,

    I know this will come as a shock to you but there is no way in hell I am qualified to give you one of my long-winded comments. Sorry to disappoint 😉

    I do love your very first paragraph, though.

    I can say, however, that I am with you on loathing the Patriots. And I don’t understand those who do (coz I actually know some – we are not friends).

    Everyone hated the Russians. And of course you guys changed your minds once you got number 99.

    Tuck Rule Game – shaking my head… I’m thinking that was the beginning of the loathing and the start of all the -gates and scandals. And they get away with it.. Why?

    I admit I had to look up Pennywise since I am a wimp when it comes to horror flics….

    He should show his age. He WILL show his age. Right? Oh, never mind. They have Brown now.

    If ever there was a time for thoughts and prayers, this is it…

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      Do I gotta pull out the shades on you? Don’t make me do it!!!

      Ugh. Brown as a Patriot. It almost felt destined. There were SO many things I left out of this post in order to keep it under 5,000 words. But one of those stories that didn’t make the cut was my friend’s conspiracy take. He believes Google is behind everything based on search results with the Pats and AB being such popular ones. It’s a bat shit crazy theory, which I adore.

      I want to meet a Patriots fan who was a fan BEFORE B and B Inc. made the scene. Just one.

      The only reason the Russians never achieved most hated is because they weren’t an NHL team. Which would have been great, by the way.

      And yes, once Gretzky ‘became’ an American citizen, he was beloved.

      That “rule” wasn’t a rule until after that game. But if you search for it on YouTube, you will see Brady clearly fumbles the ball, Oakland recovers and the game, for all intents and purposes was over.

      I probably am not going to see the sequet in theaters. I’m not the biggest IT fan. The book yeah, the movies eh.

      And with Brady eating avocado ice cream- which is gross- he can play until he’s 45 . . or 145.

      You got that right!

      It’s funny but, Gruden always annoyed me. Until now. This entire AB saga had me feeling for the guy, truthfully. Because hell, he was TRYING to make his team better and AB would have helped lots. Last night I found myself rooting for the Raiders (who won). The irony is, they’ll probably be the team I follow most closely, since my Dolphins appear hopeless.

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • I only said it coz I don’t know shit about baseball or football, for that matter. While I’m at it, I am full of shit on this stuff!

        Ugh is right, though. And there is something to that bat-shit crazy theory…

        I think I have a cousin… lemme check. He is nuts about football in general and can be found with three-four TVs stacked to watch everything at the same time.

        Exactly. Could you imagine a Russian NHL team?

        Uh huh. He ‘became’…

        Such a convenient ‘rule’ – was there no playback then?

        I can guarantee you I will NOT see it. Anywhere.

        You sure it’s gross? You taste it? I shall hold judgment as I haven’t… since you can put that stuff in cakes, I just. Never mind. Don’t want to lose your respect for me.

        🙂

        I liked the Raiders back when. I think I shall be watching more football – if only to keep up with Sorryless 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well guess what? All these so called “experts” on football? Including Bill Belichick? Waited until the 6th round to select Tom Brady. So there’s that.

          I love crazy theories. They need to be told/heard/shared.

          I no longer have that desire to watch a football game. I love checking scores and checking in from time to time. But if I’m home and watching TV, it’s more likely I’m watching a show and just checking in on the score.

          A Russian hockey team would have changed everything! Those fuckers were so damned good.

          Buahahahaha!

          I’m sure. I had it a couple years ago. There’s a reason we dip tortilla chips in the stuff, it’s NOT ice cream.

          😉

          The Raiders are my adopted team this season, thanks to AB. I actually like all the teams in the AFC West Division, so any of ’em can PLEASE with pretty on top beat the Patriots?

          Liked by 1 person

          • There is that. But still.

            They are most entertaining and when they come through? Holy shit!

            I can watch some football but have difficulty watching a full game. Going to a game is way more fun. I miss our season tickets for the Alouettes. Yeah, yeah, I know Canadian football…

            It would have. They were damn good.

            😉

            Ah. Maybe it was that particular recipe? No? Okay then. Guacamole and sliced in sammies, it is, then. Oh, But I did have fried avocado once. Was amazing.

            They were my team way back when. So GO ANYONE WHO CAN BEAT THE PATS!!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Sports fans and commentators alike usually have no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to predictions. It’s a somewhat educated guess. All of it. They just dress it up in smart sounding lingo is all.

            Hey, I wonder whatever happened to that Area 51 party . . .

            Canadian football can be fun. Longer fields, stronger beverages. The cold sucks mightily, but I guess that’s what the stronger beverages are for.

            Excepting for the fact they couldn’t have played in Philly. I remember an exhibition game they played against the Flyers in the old Spectrum in Philly back in the ’70’s. The Flyers beat the living hell out of that Soviet team, I mean physically. I think they called the game.

            Fried avocado sounds heaven sent.

            And we do mean ANYONE . . to all those teams reading this! So get to stepping! 😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • Okay then. I fit right in – well, sans the smart lingo… smart-ass lingo I can do…

            Oh yeah… what was the date again?

            It is fun. Longer fields, bigger balls, less downs and, more importantly, stronger beverages! The cold blows but hey.

            I’ll take your word for it. Wow. Guess I’ll have to spend more time on the Google.

            I thought my friends were insane to order it. They knew of what they spoke. It was divine.

            GO, ANYONE!!

            Liked by 1 person

          • The lingo is embarrassing. It’s made to sound like it’s muy important, but it’s Boyd Crowder Lite- three times as many words as needed, without any of the elan.

            Smart ass lingo rocks!

            I forgot!

            It beats a Dolphins game.

            They didn’t call the Flyers the “Broad Street Bullies” for nothing. But that was back when fighting was a huge part of the game. That was when every hockey club had an enforcer. Hell, the Flyers had several, LOL.

            It sounds amazing.

            What she said!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Oh now… Boyd Crowder was such a pleasure to listen to… But I get whatcha mean!

            I should think so. You are quite proficient at it yourself…

            Now, now…

            Coz fighting is no longer part of the game? Did I miss something? Have they become more civilized?

            It is.

            Hah!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Boyd was an education at 33 rpm. I’d love to hear HIM call a game. I would tune into the announcer in that instance.

            Moi? a smart ass? Impossible!

            Hey, next week we play the Patriots. Vegas opened the line at 18.5, which means before the game is even played, the Dolphins already have a 19-0 lead and the money will probably STILL go New England at that price. Yikes!

            Yes, it’s mostly gone from the sport. You’ll have chippy play and the occasional scrum, but the days of blood sport are over.

            Hahaha! 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          • Wouldn’t that be something?

            Oui, oui. I am rather adept at sussing out the genre.

            Bloody hell… that bad, eh?

            No way! Day-um… I haven’t watched enough games to have noticed…

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • It would be fucking awesome.

            Hmmm. As long as there’s no sarcasm involved, I guess I might be guilty.

            Worse. Most times when a line opens that high, the money comes in fast and furious for the underdog, pushing the line down. But with the way the Dolphins played last week, I don’t know.

            Gretzky ushered it in. The league realized this guy was a gold mine for a league that was trying to stay relevant, and that having a bodyguard on the ice wasn’t enough. As players salaries grew and the demand for a faster paced, more high scoring game grew, the owners found religion and cleaned it up.

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • It would be!

            No, no. Not ever.

            Hmm… I shall leave you to keep me posted on these happenings.

            I do remember being disgusted by the amount of fighting, so I am not disappointed in this change of ways.

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • Mind you, there is only one announcer I care to listen to- Tony Romo- so Boyd wouldn’t have much competition.

            I didn’t think so. I searched everywhere to find this sarcasm you speak of, with no luck. Damndest thing, every time I thought I was on the trail, it would go cold again!

            I’ll forget. The way I forgot about those peeps . . who might be dead right now, in the desert.

            It got to be too much. But I think more than anything it was a matter of the owners wanting to protect their investments, LOL

            😘

            Like

          • I probably have heard him but I don’t know any of them by name.

            Go figure! Huh… Who’d a thunk?

            Right! Know why? Coz it ain’t important…

            It was so bad at times. Bloody mess. Well, regardless of the whys, I’m just glad it is. And I’m sure there are scads of peeps bitching about it being to “tame” now…

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • I think the last time I cared to listen to an announcer was when Cosell was still alive.

            And so yeah, I called off the search for sarcasm because it was proving to be about as successful as the time Geraldo went into one of Al Capone’s vaults and only came out with a bad toupee.

            The dead people in the desert, or the Dolphins? Both? 😉

            No it ain’t. I also think with all the European players in the league, why fuck it up by slowing things down?

            And those peeps can watch UFC.

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • He was one of a kind!

            That was a very smart move on your part. You could have gotten lost in the tentacles.

            Both!

            For shizzle.

            They will get their money’s worth. I can’t believe I used to watch that! We even paid for it and had our karate buddies over with drinks and snacks.

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

          • I ain’t!

            This is what I hear. I wouldn’t know from any of my own experience, of course.

            You did!

            LOL.

            It is. And here I was, just as friggen blood-thirsty as the others. I’m calling it the pack-effect… you know how one dog goes nuts and so the others join in? Yeah.

            😘

            Liked by 1 person

  3. I agonized through the Steelers/Patriots game on Sunday. It became clear to me that the Patriots did not need Antonio Brown. Their receivers are just dandy. (fuckers) So why did these pirates take brown? BECAUSE THEY CAN!!!! They can piss us off with impunity. Those lunkheads in Foxborough will support Lucifer if he can bring a winning team. (Come to think about it I think they are). Anyway, I had visions of Brown wandering the seas of the NFL like a ghost ship. Nowhere to tie up and no end of being becalmed. Shit. Where the hell is justice. I can’t wait for him to poop in Brady’s helmet. Oh, wait! Did you hear Brady invited AB to his guest house to stay? I can see him, Tom, and Giselle all sitting around the pool eating snacks and reviewing the game videos. BARF! Good job on the post. Marc Made me laugh a lot and I needed that.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The only thing worse than AB being with the Pats is TB being with the Pats. The whole rape allegation should be interesting as it unfolds (assuming there is any shred of decency in the league) though I am convinced the Pats do not have any segment of human DNA in their veins, starting with the cheating coach. They resemble the East German Olympic competitors of the 80’s.

    Liked by 1 person

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