If you haven’t watched the Miami Dolphins play football this season, it’s perfectly understandable because well . . . . nobody has. Four games into the 2019 season, they’ve already been mathematically eliminated from postseason play. Their record stands at 0-4, which is bad. They made the plenty good but certainly not great Baltimore Ravens look like Joe Montana’s ring bearing 49ers teams, which is worse. And in their four losses, they’ve been outscored 163-26. Which is history’s way of saying “Are you fucking kidding me?”.
In case you were wondering, and I’m not sure why you would be wondering, but okay . . . the Dolphins point differential through the first four games of the season is the worst in NFL history. If you’re playing along at home, the league was born during the W administration, as in Woodrow. Wilson. Which means that when teams were playing football with cinder-blocks and no helmet whilst their head coaches pointed a gun at ’em for motivation, the worst team was still coming up bigger than these Fins.
So yeah, my boys are a lost cause on the level of a pair of Isotoners gifted to Johnny Cochrane. And you know what? That is plenty fine with me, because as Jimmy Stewart is my witness, lost causes really are the only ones worth fighting for in this world. And don’t take my word for it, here’s Jimmy to provide . . .
Alls I know is, my Dolphins are relevant for the first time since Dick Cheney’s twenty eighth heart attack (That would be 2008). It would be the last time a team from the AFC East not named the New England Patriots won the division. Since then, my team has gone through ten quarterbacks, six head coaches and a handful of uniform changes.
Fast forward to present day and the Dolphins are relevant again. Problem is, it’s in the same way a Trump tweet or Ebola is relevant. Because once the shit gets loosed into our cranium or bloodstream, all manner of zombie apocalypse prevails. And the Dolphins are fifty three dead men walking . . no, marching. Loudly. Right onto the four lane highway those horsemen from the law firm Pestilence, War, Famine and Death are busy crunching their radials on whilst blue-tooth deep in negotiations with God and Lucifer.
Pro football experts are shouting mighty daggers into the Dolphins organization for tanking a season so obviously. Welp, I guess these geniuses didn’t watch the final season of Game of Thrones. Because those fuckers had WAY more talent and money going on than the Dolphins do.
And yes, the results are uglier than Gordon Ramsey in traffic. But it’s not like it ain’t been done before. Once upon a time, teams like the Cubs and Astros gutted their roster and started from the bottom. And it paid off with titles in both instances. In basketball, the 76ers took half a decade off during “The Process” in order to compile high draft picks in the hopes of fielding a winning team and now they’re one of the favorites to win it all. And the Browns transformed losing into the kind of art form that would’ve inspired Andy Warhol to buy them. And while they ain’t won jack yet, their team is interesting as hell with a punchers chance to do some real damage this season.
Optically, the dynamic blows. Because to charge major league money to the fans whilst rolling out a minor league product is certainly not good business practice. Last week’s game at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami was played to a half empty stadium, which shocked the hell out of me because I was wondering what in the hell was wrong with the half that showed up.
So the Dolphins will take a hit- both in the sports columns and in their bottom line. And it’s the latter that will keep this tanking expedition from going on indefinitely, because billionaires like Stephen Ross ain’t made their money by mistake. I figure a year, maybe two of really putrid football will result in enough draft pick sustenance to build a solid foundation. And yes they have to hit on their picks, as well as be smart with the free agent acquisitions, but to my way of thinking, it’s a chance worth taking.
I’ll take breaking bad over plain old mediocre every day of the week and for sixty minutes every Sunday. Because over the last eight seasons, the Dolphins are 66-66 with exactly nothing to show for it. There is nothing worse than mediocrity, and that includes a possible 0-16 campaign.
I’m done with asshats like Jeff Ireland running things into the ground and then skipping town for greener pastures. I’m sick and tired of clowns like Jay Cutler receiving a ten million dollar retirement package to achieve absolutely nothing. And I absolutely cannot stand the country club atmosphere that has held sway over the organization since Dan Marino stopped throwing footballs in anger.
Several weeks ago, when it became clear that the Dolphins mission was to suck balls, several prominent Dolphins players got on the phone with their agents and told them they wanted out. And that’s when I realized something was very different about the current brain trust. Because instead of sweet talking these guys back with drinks at the Clevelander and a cushy bonus . . they traded them. The message was clear as day.
You’re in or you’re out. No more in the middle.
It’s uncomfortable sure, but that signals growth. Change. Difference. And I could kiss Brian Flores and Chris Grier for having the cojones to undertake a strategy that might end up costing them their jobs. I hope it doesn’t, because they’re good football men who give a damn and I want to see them hoisting some hardware for all the shit they’re gonna be put through.
If things work out, the Dolphins’s fortunes should start looking up right around the time Tom Brady and the Patriots are decommissioned by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. And so I’m rooting for my lost cause of a football team . . to suck mightily. For now. Because I’m done with the middle. In an all or nothing NFL world, I’m willing to take the latter for now. Because it’s a chance, which is something we haven’t had since Bill Clinton was installing a strippers pole in the Oval Office. And if this tanking strategy doesn’t work, the Dolphins can always dial up Pat Riley, who’ll be cooling his heels in retirement down in the Keys by then. And so what if he doesn’t know a lick about football.
He’d be perfect.
They got company…the ‘Donkeys’ are in lock step with ’em. The best part of this post is the Journey selection. I know it’s a cheesy song but man…I still love Steve Perry and the boys.
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The Broncos, Bengals, Redskins and Dolphins are going to battle for the top spot. I think Denver can win four or five games, and the Skins will probably win three or four. So it comes down to Cincy vs Miami for the top pick.
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This year? Bwahahaha! And to think they fired Vance Joseph for his season last year. Can you say ironic? 🤬
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Well okay, maybe five is being generous. But I think they’ll figure it out defensively and win a few games they shouldn’t have. Which will cancel them out of the top pick.
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They still have no offensive line and you won’t win many games without it. But Elway ‘had’ to have 15 QB’s. Dear lord. WTH?
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He hit the lottery with Peyton but has come up small in every other instance at the position since. Hell, you guys have the same plight as us as far as QB’s go.
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Lightning rarely strikes twice in the same place. I hate to sound like a broken record, but without an offensive line, you could have Thor line up behind center and it wouldn’t help the passing game. I think the neighborhood high school has a better offensive line and they have no football program to speak of.
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The Broncos never used to lose at home in September. Now it’s the usual. No bueno for Elway.
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And the wait list for season tickets is gonna evaporate. The demographics in town aren’t like the locals who supported this team through the Craig (knock-kneed legs) Morton from the 70’s. Californians, Texans, Michiganers wants wins, not second place. Even the local rag’s grumbling is becoming more pronounced. I always thought the Post’s sports section was written by the Broncos marketing department for the past 50 years.
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And as with Miami, they’re no longer the only game in town. There’s hockey and basketball competing for entertainment dollars.
The times done changed, and these teams have got to catch up. Or else.
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The Broncos have ruled with an iron fist in the media, even when the Avs, Nuggets, Mammoth and the {hapless this year} Rockies have had great seasons. Last year, hockey, basketball & lacrosse teams all made it to the second round of the playoffs, but the Donkeys stunk it up but good and they’re worse this year. Fickle fan support may shift when it comes to their sorry rebuild-a-project. Fans may not continue to be patient, at least not in consecutive losing years.
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The Broncos are one of those teams whose name is synonymous with the town they play in. Unlike the Raiders, who move every other decade and the Chargers who go back and forth between LA and San Diego.
But I wasn’t aware as to how the dynamic has changed with fans.
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Fans are impatient nowadays. They no longer have undying love for the home team. Especially when they’ve moved from California.
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You’re right, it’s very transient. And with so many other options for their entertainment dollar, the casual fan isn’t sticking around long enough to forge an allegiance.
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The fans used to stay with the Broncos even back in the vertical striped sock days. That’s devotion. Today’s fans aren’t like the locals from yesteryear- they want Super Bowl wins or they’ll leave skid marks.
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Ooooooh! I just looked up those vertical striped sock unis. They looked like they played for a penitentiary!
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They were beloved back then. I’m sure the boo-bears will start up soon.
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It hasn’t already?
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😐
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Sorry . . .
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Love, love, love Journey.
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Me too. Some of the best beer-drinking, feel good music around.
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You’re dang right! Turn on some journey, pop the top on a cold one and throw your feet back. Good as it gets.
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And sing from the top of your lungs! Now that’s a great day in the making.
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G’head! Bring it home Monika! 🙂
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Monika,
As bad as you think your Broncos are, believe us … the Fins and Bengals are unquestionably worse. Mark this date in your calendar … Sunday 22nd Dec … that’s Week 16 or 17 …. Bengals at Dolphins.
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The league seems to be working overtime to make fans leave in droves. I’m sick of Sunday beings Pats day already 4 games in.
I still think the Donkeys have a lick on the basement. They don’t have an offensive line that ever shows up. In fact their offense in general is more than pathetic and the defense seems asleep at the wheel. Thank gawd for hockey.
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I’m with Mark saying that both of our teams are worse than yours. BTW – I recall you ragging on the Rockies, and you felt the Reds would be better … that didn’t happen. We get to know losers very well in this town.
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The Rockies burst out of the gate full of promises do then go into a nose dive.
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And my team never gets high enough to take a nose dive.
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🤣
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I’m going to predict the final score will be 5-5, as both teams get a safety and a field goal.
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Perfect … each field goal could be from turnovers deep in own territory.
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I was gonna say the field goals were mistakenly kicked into the wrong end, but I think yours is much more realistic. 😉
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I was thinking 2 safeties and an extra point via the little used free kick rule.
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Frank, you’re a genius!
And let the record show that you came up with this as per NFL rules. No sarcasm was used.
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😀
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And WHAT a game in Washington between the Nats and the Brewers! Glad I stuck with it.
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Oh … I forgot … but Reds not playing.
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That game was like a forgettable movie where all the action in the last fifteen minutes makes it worth the watch!
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I loved the Monika/Marc analysis. I also loved how you cracked some eggs to make an omelet, Marc. “Yeah lose away and we’ll come back with some super draft picks and kill your ass,” strategy could work. Best to ya.
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That’s the hope! Gotta get those picks right, or else!
Thanks Boss.
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B,
For the first time in, well, since we started our various repartees, I cannot add a damn thing after reading the exchange between you and Monika. ‘Tis a rare thing indeed to have me at a loss for words. (Maybe you should take advantage of it… 😉 )
That said. Back in the day when I watched football more than regularly with my beau du jour, I could riff on stats and who’s who and had an opinion on where each one was going. And yet, through it all, I loved the Dolphins – okay, okay… Dan Marino in particular 😉
So, I will chime in with this: Why not? Why the hell not? I love your enthusiasm. It’s contagious!
And fabulous choice of tune, of course 😉
Q
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Q,
CNN just broke in with the news that Q was indeed at a loss for words. Wolf Blitzer says it happens once every seventeen years or so.
Danny Shotgun could throw a football through a brick wall back in the day, and that was when teams were allowed to play defense. In today’s game, his kind of skills would break the records he used to break all over again and then some.
Why the hell not? It’s better than mediocre. Mediocrity blows.
HAD to use it! 😉
B
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I knew it would make the news!
That he could! And I hear ya…. and because you used the word Shotgun, I immediately thought of George so… here ya go 😉 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_B3qkp4nO4
Mediocrity does blow. LOL… I’ll ride shotgun with ya during this process…
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Like “Duh!” . . . am I right?
Marino was a great passer under center, but when he played it shotgun, it was unfair. I remember when he put up thirty eight points on a Bears defense during a Monday night game in Miami. The Bears were arguably the greatest defense ever constructed and Marino didn’t flinch. Needless to say, there were MONTHS when that D didn’t give up that many points.
And how does the modern day voice of Tom Jones come out of Richie Cunningham like that?
Trust the process is what they say.
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Course you are right!
Wow. How you remember all this stuff… 38 points in one game… wowzer!
I know, right? Such a baby face with such a voice… does not compute even when you’re right there in a concert!
They know so much, don’t They?
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Every now and then. 😉
That was back in the days of the VCR. I taped that game and watched it several times. I remember Marino was a brash, cocky kid who wanted to prove all the teams that passed him over in the draft wrong. He was chosen 27th out of Pitt because teams were afraid he was a trouble maker. Plus there was talk of him having done coke in college.
When their coach Don Shula knew he could possibly get this guy, he nearly had a heart attack. And of course, Marino made every team pay.
He’s got such a brilliant command of his voice too!
SO much!
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More often than that, and you know it!
Back in the day of the VCR – oh yeah. How often are the great ones overlooked or misread?
That he did. And kudos to him!!
He really does. You know I loves him…
Think we’ll ever meet “They”?
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I believe ya. 😉
All the time. Marino WAS a cocky kid, which is something I liked. But this was a time when every GM was an old white guy who wanted their QB to behave in a certain way and say all the right things. Shula just wanted to win.
I know you do, and with good reason.
They will! 🙂
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Speaking of cocky…
Of course you liked that about Marino. Talk about a change if you compare the GMs of today vs then… Now, hey, the guy’s a wife-beater. Woot! Let’s take him… But that’s a whole ‘nother conversation and we won’t go there, eh?
Glad I was able to introduce one to you 😉
He he! 😉
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Buahahahaha!
I couldn’t believe Miami got him. I think five QB’s went ahead of him in that draft and you could tell he was pissed about that. The great ones use that kind of thing is extra motivation.
Oh yeah, and that’s the other thing about this Dolphins taking plan. All these football mouths are damning them for it. One even called the move immoral.
I’m sorry but . . you have players on teams who beat kids and women. Don’t you dare fucking go there. Fuck that pisses me off.
It was a beaut!
😉
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Thought you’d like that one.
Yes. the great ones do use that as motivation. I can imagine thinking you should be chosen first and ending up being 5th must be beyond frustrating!
As it should. Too bad it doesn’t piss off enough folk. And we’ll stop there otherwise we’ll both end up in a tizzy – I prefer getting tizzied by other stuff.
It was.
🙂
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He made them pay, like Chuck Norris in cleats. And he had that ‘fro back in the day. Dude didn’t look like your typical QB, and he didn’t play like it either.
Yeah, it gets me all riled up! LOL.
😉
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He did! Hahaha! Chuck Norris in cleats… You come up with the best lines. Hair kinda like yours 😉
You and me both.
😉
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He was!
And much better hair.
Truth.
😘😘
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I hate seeing franchises struggle … well, except the run by the Browns was a good one! But hey – Cincinnati is a city of losers … even the new MLS team joined in the fun by not only finishing last, but way behind the team directly in front of them.
Meanwhile, true fans stick by their team through thick and thin. I applaud you commitment … but damn … I know it hurts.
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Here’s the thing, Frank.
As nuts as this sounds, I’m okay with it because guess what? There is a definitive plan, for the first time in forever.
Even at the end of the Shula regime, things were going wrong. I remember they started buying up free agents to make one more run and it didn’t end well. And then Jimmy Johnson didn’t pan out and then twenty years of New England dominance while the Dolphins go 8-8 or 7-9.
Change has been a long time coming.
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Long time coming is no fun … but hey … fans gotta hope and take chances. 🙂
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I’m willing to follow along because I feel as if there IS a plan in place.
The culture of an organization is the biggest hurdle. Look at the Jets. They do the same thing every year with their spotty draft record, after which they load up on big name FA’s, which is never a good idea.
Culture matters, and I think Grier and Flores want to build a team with players who grow together. If you’re a rookie on this team and you make it to year three and four of this plan and the team is showing progress, you become an ‘owner’ of the team. There’s investment there.
That’s the hope anyway.
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I admire your willingness to stick with your team!
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Of all the teams I root for- and they’re all over the map from the Blackhawks in hockey to the Yankees to the Heat and Dolphins.
But of all the teams I root for, I love the Dolphins most of all. Probably because I’ve never seen them win.
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True fans suffer with their team(s) … I do that … thus why appreciate you sticking with them.
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I’m more of a fan NOW.
And I like this Flores, he’s got a great story.
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Good … and I think of the “fans” who go elsewhere – well, at least until good times return when they jump back on the bandwagon as if they’ve always been there.
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You mean Heat fans? 😉
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Happens everywhere when down times happen. Browns fans are resurrecting have years of heads in the sand.
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Heat fans were horrible when their team was on top! Like when they left the arena en masse at the end of game six of the NBA finals thinking the Spurs had won, only to be screwed out of a miraculous finish by the home team.
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Love the song choice ’cause, you know, that’s one of the songs the SF Giants wore the grooves out of during their World Series runs. What an oddly perfect selection for where you and the Dolphins are these days.
The larger question remains and your post touches on it. I’ve always wondered if it’s better to be a fan of a team that reaches the pinnacle and then loses, to be a fan of a team that completes but never really gets that close, or to be a fan of a team that never really has a chance. As a Steelers fan, I’ve been blessed with a team that is always competitive, but hasn’t been able to overcome the hated Patriots for years. Not sure that’s such a good place to be. As a Giants fan, I was blessed with those World Series runs, but now am faced with a team that has no chance and no apparent path to having a chance. And as a Warriors fan, I lived through years and decades of futility only to get their own championship runs.
Honestly? I think it’s better to muddle along because once you get a whiff of a championship, there’s only one thing you want and the rest is disappointment. When your team has no hope, and you know it has no hope, you’re actually in a much happier place.
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Dude, for the first time in too many years I have zero angst going into this season. None. Because I know the acompli has been feted and I’m willing to let the hope float.
The key word is plan. There is one. It’s not the prettiest looking plan, and sure, there are plenty of teams that can show they’ve been able to remain competitive whilst rebuilding. But for some reason, the culture in Miami has sucked for a very long time and it has outlasted many regimes.
Doing this indefinitely like the Sixers is nonsense. But a year or two of painful results that is followed by progress works for me.
And a new management group means a new philosophy when it comes to drafting, so the hope is that they are able to figure it out, unlike their predecessors.
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You just have to hope that the progress comes through. My biggest fear with these rebuilding efforts is that these sports are constantly evolving. What happens when their rebuilding effort is based on the NFL of today and by the time they have rebuilt, the NFL has morphed, even if slightly, into something else?
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These are the risks, for sure.
But after having watched the team play .500 football for a decade, I’m willing to buy in to this risk.
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Totally get it. I’d like to see the SF Giants blow up the boxes, but they’ve been reluctant to do that.
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They wouldn’t trade Mad Bum and I don’t blame them, since they were on the fringes of playoff contention. And trading franchise stalwarts is a delicate situation.
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I think they handled the trade deadline perfectly this year. They were in the wildcard mix at that point in the season. They didn’t trade away any critical pieces, but made some trades that helped them add talent for future years. They essentially held the line for this year — just in case, their incredible July turned into a real run to the postseason — while building for the future. I don’t see any fault in their moves this year. But what they have done in recent years is hold on to other “franchise stalwarts” including giving them contracts that were just not justified. Cough, cough … Brandon Belt … cough, cough.
Given everything he has done for the team over the last ten years, it would be nice to see them keep Bumgarner and have him be the anchor of what is to come — assuming something is coming.
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The biggest thing going forward, for most teams, is going to be these monster contracts. The Yankees, predictably, traded for Stanton who is an injury prone home run hitter with a heinous price tag.
Lots of teams can’t afford to take on that kind of contract, but now, even the big market clubs like Boston are shying away.
There will always be a “stupid” team out there who is going to give Bryce Harper 330 million. But really, it straps you in the long run.
The Giants played the deadline with due diligence and respect.
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For the first time in decades there appears to be some rationality returning to MLB. Yes, there are still the Harper contracts and the Machado contracts, but a lot of teams are recognizing that signing a lot of young talent may be a better approach towards competitiveness. Unlike in the NBA, where the ability to score ten points a game means $20 million a year.
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The Red Sox were said to be contemplating what to do with Mookie Betts because of the contract he will command after next year.
Even big market clubs are being more prudent, because it just makes more sense to have young, controllable players and depth, rather than a couple of onerous contracts that prevent you from building out a contending club.
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As you know, with the exception of Mick and the Babe, I’m not up on sports…BUT…I LOVE MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON. YOU SURE MADE ME SMILE WITH THAT. 🙂
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Me too.
I immediately thought of this movie when the idea of posting a Dolphins rant came to me.
Jefferson Smith filibustering those good old boys on the Senate floor is the anthem for underdogs everywhere.
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I wouldn’t know. Sorry.
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