From Hair To Eternity

I haven’t stepped foot in a hair salon since George W was arm wrestling Dick Cheney for the remote control in the Oval Office.

Cost Cutters doesn’t count. I visited the place once about ten years ago, despite the fact I was stone cold sober at the time. I was rewarded with a fast food haircut for my piss poor judgement and my daughter started cutting my hair after that. She’s one of those people who can basically do anything really well, even if she’s never done it before, and cutting hair was no different.

I used to go to Regis when I had a regular stylist. Her name was Judi and from the first time she cut my hair, I knew she was the one. The girl had my hair down to a science, and we would rendezvous every couple months in the early morning before the mall opened.

A hairstylist like Judi comes along once in a lifetime, and so when she moved away I knew my hair would never find another pair of hands that fit like hers. I got with her friend at the salon a few times after that, but it was painfully obvious that her cut just didn’t do it for me. And so I moved on.

It was sometime after this that my follicles came under attack by a rambunctious band of guerrillas that were being funded by stress and hula hooping hormones. Dames and hypothyroidism were filching my once thick mane, pushing my inner Pterelaus to what I assumed would be comb-over status before too long.

I became very introspective, thinking back to all the times when I had taken my hair for granted. Like the time I bleached it in high school and it came out Greg Brady orange. Or when I tried straightening it because, get this . . I didn’t like wavy hair. There was my Pat Riley period, where I took to slicking back my hair. And caps . . all those fucking ball caps I wore when I should have been showing off all the hair I had!

And just as I was becoming resigned to the idea of going bald, a funny thing happened. I didn’t go bald. This was “The Comeback” in which I staved off follicle elimination with biotin and less dramatic romantic entanglements; the latter proving itself every bit as useful a remedy as its B complex compadre.  The bathroom sink no longer felt like a Japanese horror flick. My hair was thinner, sure . . but it was still my hair.

And then one day I shaved my head, for the hell of it. All the angst I’d experienced in regards to going bald, and there I was, doing it to myself. The worst part was not knowing what my naked cranium was going to look like. The conversation I had with myself whilst shaving went something like this . . .

Oh what the FUCK did I do!

Hey! This ain’t so bad . . . it’s pretty okay!

This better be okay or Imma hole up in a cabin in the woods for a year! 

Oh shit, is this? 

Cool! 

I imagined it would be smooth sailing once the top was down, but I found myself shaving my head every couple days thanks to the dark roots that would show up loudly. And talk about irony, to be complaining about my hair . . . when I didn’t have any! I did the Kojak for a couple years before going back. I started cutting my own hair after this because now I had a proven contingency plan in place in the event I ever pull a Picasso whilst clipping.

Which brings me to the Halloween costume party I’ll be attending as Kwai Chang Caine from Kung Fu. So yeah . . it means Imma shave my head again. For the hell of it, again. In spite of the angst this will result in as I wonder if it will return to me, again.

Occam called. He wants his razor back.

(Special gracias to Q for the tune)

 

 

 

 

 

120 thoughts on “From Hair To Eternity

  1. Dear Marco,

    Oh how I relate to Follicle Follies. I lost many hours of sleep and suffered burns on my wrists after going to bed wearing a hatbox hairdryer with my long locks set on hollowed soup cans. During my turbulent teen years, when girls were emulating Cher, Judy Collins, Peggy Lipton and their long straight hair, mine ever so curly. How I tried to get my hair to look like Stephanie Powers’ do in Girl From UNCLE (only to realize years later that all it took was the right wig). I fried my hair with the clothes iron which worked great until I walked outside on a humid day.
    My trials continued into the 1980’s when women were paying $100 a pop for a spiral perm. Vindication was mine. 😀 Today I love and enjoy my easy care curls.
    Best wishes with the shaved head. (Are you sure you want to do that?) Loved your hair-o-wing story. And the song is great.
    Shalom and a squeaky clean Tuesday,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rochelle,

      Why do we stress and fuss and muss and primp and pay way too much at the pump when we have no good reason to do so? In my case, I know I would have appreciated my thick mane so much more if I knew then what I know now. Isn’t that always the way it is?

      Am I sure I want to do this? Actually . . yeah. I would be hesitant if I hadn’t done it already and liked it.

      And the song is thanks to Dale, who came up with not one but three different choices for this post!

      Shalom and Shampoo-less days ahead,

      Marco

      Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    First off, once again you have me Googling shit. I always feel so ignorant.

    We are never happy with what we have. Curly wants straight, straight wants curly, wavy wishes it were curlier, short wants long and the beat goes on! I believe you know my thoughts on the whole hair thing. I change it up all the time. In one fell swoop I went from straight squaw hair past my shoulders to short à la Mia Farrow or Halle Berry (when she was at her sexiest, in my opinion) – not that I am calling my own self anywhere near her sexy 😉 I just meant the hair, of course!

    I had done my share of perms and then ironically, my straight hair of my youth, which had just enough body to not lie flat, became wavier and curlier with each pregnancy. I dunno, I just go with it. I am the laziest broad out there. Wash and wear and oh please, hairdresser, make it so I don’t have to do a damn thing, k? Like wash it, comb it and forget about it….

    As to you and your story. I can’t wait to see what you look like (being of the privileged few who will). And my father always said: “God made a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair.” This, of course, coming from a man who was sans hair in his late twenties…

    And chuffed I had a minute part in this post 😉

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • B,

      I did huh? 😉

      And umm . . ignorant? Puhleeze!

      That is SO true! Whatever we got, we want something else. And then I got thinning hair and that’s when I surrendered to all the other whims for once and for all. And was simply thankful for hair at all!

      It makes sense though, to let it be. All the primping . . it takes years off your life. Think about how much time peeps spend in front of mirrors searching for that perfect look. Years!

      I wouldn’t go back if I wasn’t good with it. I was very hesitant as to how it was going to look that first time. Muy stressful! But alas . . it’s ayt.

      Chuffed again huh? 😉

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • You did. Pterelaus? Occam’s Razor? Do I know nothing?

        And I didn’t even touch on the colour! Which is funny… the only thing I was ever willing to do was put in streaks – never before the age of 38 and since they dying it my own damn colour. How boring am I?

        And it sucks for so many men to have to deal with it. I hate to say it sucks even more for women who are thinning because it is even more rare and difficult to deal with. I know, not fair, but let’s face it, the thinning/balding thing is more commonly a man thing so when it happens to women it feels more judged.

        I think so. After all, how many women do you know who can be ready in 15 minutes or less? I don’t have time for that shizzle… though I don’t mind making the effort for occasional happenings 😉

        That’s what I figure. Why the hell would you if you weren’t?

        Yep. My new fave word. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Great story about your hair. Funny your stomach didn’t step up and take the brunt of the stress stuff. Your poor hair was on its own. Nice to find a way to pull out of the clean pate club. Fun story, Marc. BTW I used to pay big bucks for a style and then it hit me. All I’m really getting for the big bucks is a haircut. Great Clips do me now. All I get there is a haircut but expect nothing else.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My God, men and their hair. My hair is very curly, not wavy. Curly. Growing up that provided my male peers with plenty of ammunition for ridicule, while the old ladies at school just loved it and so wished their grandsons had hair like mine.

    Needless to say, when I got to middle school, I took matters into my own hands. I spent the next couple of years, with a part on the side and tried to brush the rest of my hair into submission. I so wanted to be like the other boys who could just run their fingers through their hair and it would just settle neatly into place. To have “feathered” hair on the sides!!!!

    But that was never to be for me. Instead at some point in high school, I ditched the part on the side and discovered the beauty of the hair dryer. My curls became an afro. I was the whitest Q-tip you’ve ever seen. I still have my driver’s license from when I was sixteen so that I never, ever forget that I could look like that again.

    But then as I advanced into adulthood, I ditched the hair dryer and had something approaching a mullet … shorter on the sides, longer in the back and on top. But I never had a real mullet because the longer my hair, the tighter the curl. Flowing locks was never going to be a thing for me.

    I kept that style though for quite some time until I just tired of. And then the bald spot in back started and grew like a nuclear cloud across my scalp. That spot made keeping my hair at any length seem unreasonable. The last thing I wanted is that bald patch in back, so I started cutting it real close to the scalp.

    For the most part, for the last 10-15 years, I’ve sheared my hair off every three or four weeks. For a time, I shaved it regularly. I liked the smooth feeling of a shaved scalp, but I got tired of the requirement to shave it every day or two to keep it at that level of smoothness. So, yes, now it’s an every few weeks type of thing for me. I do it myself. Some day, I hope to go back to a cleanly shaven head, but not quite yet.

    Meanwhile, when I stopped using a hair dryer to produce my white boy ‘fro, I also grew facial hair for the first time. For 34 years now, I’ve had facial hair, either a beard or what I think is described as a van Dyke or a goatee. About 10-12 years ago, I decided to shave it off. This was during the time I was also shaving my head.

    Oh wow … never, ever, ever going to go without facial hair again.

    But, here’s my dilemma … I want to shave my head, but want to keep facial hair. The goatee with bald head works, but the full beard with bald head … just don’t know if that’s a look I can pull off.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey – first – you find the coolest songs to share – this one about ” I am not my hair” was artsy (the vertical slides of video snippets) and with an uplifting message.
    It also fit right in with your Hair post here (has to write it that way) – and the Halloween costume sounds adventurous
    😊
    Also – saw your comment Reply to frank
    And My mom was just visiting and we both enjoyed an episode of Columbo –

    Liked by 1 person

    • This song was all Dale. She actually offered up a couple choices, but I’m with you, I thought this one was perfect for it.

      The Halloween costume will be fun. Kitschy even. Love this time of year.

      “Eh . . sorry . . sorry but I have one more question for ya if ya don’t mind . . .”

      My Columbo impersonation.

      Liked by 1 person

          • I did see her WW pics this week
            And left a comment that it makes me want to paint my version of that sweet scene

            But I am not in a painting right now

            And it was fun to watch one Columbo episode with my mom-
            We used to watch the show Monk together and so during the recent Columbo episode we chatted about how parts of the Monk show were inspired by that hit show

            Liked by 1 person

          • I could definitely see wanting to paint that!

            Artists rock. But you know that already.

            I know you’re a big Monk fan, and yes it’s fun to know that the show took its cue from a classic.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I once read about a few of true old shows that inspired the creation of Monk.
            And then read that the writer of breaking bad watched every episode of forensic files (so did I) and did you know that Walter white was based on a true character?
            Speaking of old and new shows – my step daughter introduced me to grey’s an anatomy recently – She loves it – and I might not be able to watch it the way I was hoping to (wanted to share that bond with her) but the reason I bring it up was my husband’s comment on the show – he came in a few times while we were watching – but he hated the music video feel at certain parts and said it reminded him of Miami Vice – which he barely watched – but we both saw the “in the air tonight” song playing as they drove down the Miami highway in a convertible (while donning their sport coat and jeans perhaps)

            Liked by 1 person

          • I did not know that about Walter White, no.

            The only episodes I ever caught of Grey’s were when I dated someone who watched it. I felt like it was to music video-ish as well. Never got into it, but I fully supported anyone’s habit, 😉

            Like

      • Also / fun to hear kojak…
        Nobody really knows some of these classics anymore –
        And I might have told ya this – but in 90s folks would mention Richard Pryor when I would say me last name – Prior
        And I would often joke that we were related distant cousins (in a way is true cos we all share certain genes)
        But nowadays – not many folks know Richard

        Liked by 1 person

  6. And do you know I shaved me head in 2014
    It was quite the experience and I have a few stories –
    One of them – I was visiting someone at the hospital and this lady with a hat started following me –
    I went up the elevator and down three halls and at then nurses station – the lady stopped and asked “children’s section?”
    She then revealed she was there for chemo and followed me assuming I was too.
    And I realized how different it was when I was bald by choice vs someone bald from chemo
    (And the song you hated mentioned chemo at the end)

    Anyhow – it is quite the experience for anyone to be bald – and glad you had the comeback

    Liked by 1 person

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