I was interested in this movie da minute someone told me there was a Bengal tiger in it. I’m pretty sure they used those computer hieroglyphics instead of a real Bengal tiger, but it looked real enough to make me shit my pants when he was swinging those razor clubs.
As for the story, it begins with this family that has a zoo. Which is some really cool shit, to own a zoo, but the father is really humble and serious about it. My old man owned IBM stock and we never heard the end of it! So anyways, this zoo family has to move and get this . . they take the fucking zoo with em . . on a ship! I shit you not, it’s the craziest family story since we found out my Uncle was dressing up like my Aunt.
So they’re on this ship when they run into a big fucking storm, and the storm wins. The ship goes down, taking the zoo and this skinny little asshole kid’s family with it. The fucking thing goes down in like two minutes, which just goes to show you how much money they wasted on that Titanic movie.
The skinny little asshole kid gets lucky when he finds a lifeboat. Only it turns out he ain’t so lucky because there’s a coyote and an orangutang on the lifeboat with him. The Zebra’s cool, but I’m gonna warn you ahead of time not to make the same mistake I made by staring at him for too long. I got dizzy as fuck!. Thank God I smuggled my bottle of Chivas in with me, because that settled my stomach.
Things don’t work out so good for the Zebra, or the coyote or the orangutang either. So it’s the kid and the Bengal tiger, which is about as fair a fight as Elton John and Mike Tyson. Of course, this is Hollywood so we’re supposed to believe the skinny little asshole kid survives when in real life, he woulda been dinner. And if that isn’t ridiculous enough, the kid calls him Richard Parker, as if this is going to make the tiger think twice about eating him, yanno?
Outta nowhere, they introduce another ridiculous story line when their boat lands on an island. But of course it’s not an island like the one Tom Hanks was on in that movie where he never got to marry the chick he was banging. No, this island eats people. Which just goes to show that writers can fuck up a glass of water if you let em. These imbeciles have a Bengal tiger . . who eats everything, but nope . . let’s create an island that eats everything. What the fuck!
So they get the fuck outta there but these two are in some deep shit. The Bengal tiger has lost more weight than one of em Hollywood wives and it wouldn’t even help if heΒ didΒ eat the kid, who’s all skin and bones anyway. They finally make it to shore and the tiger gets outta the boat and just walks into the jungle without so much as telling the kid to kiss his ass. When the kid is rescued, he starts crying because the tiger didn’t say goodbye. Can you imagine the balls on this kid? Gimme a fuckin’ break.
Next thing I know, this Indian guy is talking to some white guy in his living room. It turns out, the zoo animals were really people and this wackadoo made up the whole ridiculous fucking story. And so he asks the white guy which story he prefers- the one with animals or the one with people. Of fucking courseΒ he says the better story is the one with the tiger. No shit Sherlock. The Indian guy thanks him and says “And so it goes with God,”.
As if God had anything to do with this flick.
I remember seeing this movie, and this is just how I remembered it.
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You and Joe would’ve had a great time. π
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The league’s top-ranked team was upset on the last game, so with the win, the Benevolent Impalers get the regular season title and the #1 seed.
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Woot! Hang that banner! And now it’s on to the postseason!
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Yup … Impalers celebrated by eating glass. Split with opponent in reg. Season. Can be explosive.
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I remain 11 back, playing for pride.
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Lull others into mood for next year.
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Speaking of next year . .
Miami had a great loss the other day. I know that teams with something to play for despise the idea of a moral victory when it comes to losses. But since my team is in the top of the draft, that loss to the Jets keeps us ‘ahead’ of them. At the same time, they fought again. They didn’t play very well and still had a chance to win. They got screwed on a PI call but Flores refused to take the bait when asked about it after the game. Dude is so impressive.
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B,
I can finally start typing – difficult to do so when you are laughing so hard. I can hear his voice (it being distinct, yanno). Hieroglyphics! Buahaha!
I’m surprised Joe had nothing to say about the asshole skinny kid’s name!
And yo! Joe! Dat was no coyote, dat was a hyena, you crazy Wop! Fucking guy doesn’t know his animals…. don’t tell him I said so, k, B? I don’t want him shooting me for laughing at him. I seen what he did to poor Christopher (ya, ya, I know that was his name in the Sopranos) in “Goodfellas”.
So ya think Joe would recommend this fucking movie?
Q
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Q,
Methinks I have channeled his spirit, which is really odd seeing as how the guy is still alive.
Yeah, he completely overlooked that. And it WAS a slam dunk! Dang.
Did I write coyote? Ugh, welp, Imma leave it since Joe might not be as familiar with em. Maybe he never saw Lion King.
And I don’t think you’re in any kind of imminent danger for laughing at Joe He only shoots goofy madafuckers like Spidah. He would probably just hit on you. After he found a step stool so he could look you in the eyes.
I think Joe would say, screw da movie and go watch Goodfellas instead!
B
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You most definitely did. I’m sure he’d appreciate this π
I think he was too in awe of the tiger to be bothered with it, to tell the truth.
I thought you did it on purpose, seeings as Joe mighta confused the two. He probably never did see Lion King π
Phew! Spider! That was his name! He’d need one! LOL.
I think you’re right. But I’ve already watched it a bazillion times so Imma pas…
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He would probably find it a lot more humorous if he had a few tumblers of Chivas in him.
He really loved that fucking tiger, and now he wants to get one for himself since he has a big back yard.
And if he did see Lion King, he probably didn’t know the difference anyways. I guess he never came across a hyena when he was digging all those holes in the desert.
Poor Spider. He should kept his trap shut after getting shot in the foot.
LOL
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You may be right,.
He did love that fucking tiger even if he knew it wasn’t real in the movie… but a live on in his back yard? That woulda been da best!
IF they never said the word hyena, he woulda thought they were funny looking coyotes.
Poor Spider. Wasn’t much smarter as Christopher, lemme tell you!
π
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Not a big fan, but Joe swears by the stuff.
Yeah, he got the idea from one of his favorite movies of all time- Scarface.
Buahahaha! Ain’t dat the troof!
No, Christopher was a more advanced Spider for sure. But in the smahts depahtment . . he was, what should I say? He was lacking, yanno? And that’s being nice about it.
π
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No, not you for sure… you are the bourbon guy…
Troof!
An older, more “mature” Spider” – not smarter, for shizzle.
π
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Occasionally vodka. Always beer . .
Roof!
One of my favorite Christopher lines ever . . .”Don’t disrespect the pizza parlor!”
π
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And on special occasions, gin… π
LOL!
Too funny! Mine is: “Why don’t you fuck yourself. Save a little money”
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Rare occasions, LOL. And don’t be stingy with the olive juice either.
π
Buahahaha! Classic lines, that guy was full of em.
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Of course not… all the better if it’s dirty… speaking of which, since I’m sick, I should try a ginger martini… just found a recipe…
π
He was. Remember when he squashed Adriana’s dog when he was stoned?
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THAT is good. Win for the chin of your chinnity chin chin!
π
Oh I can’t!
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Was it now?
π
LOL!
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Like I toldja. For the win! π
MUAH!
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Woot! π
MWAH!
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π
MUAH!
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MWAH!
π
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I read the book, but donβt recall seeing the movie. I read an author interview where he insisted the book was about religion. What?! Crazy. I donβt recall that the animals were really people – oh dear. Well, I think Joe got it right.
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Eilene,
I saw the movie when it came out because I’d read the book a hundred time and was excited to see what they would do with a movie. They did it quite well, I thought. Nothing beats the book, of course, because of the content. But I have watched the movie a few times.
Joe is looking to expand his horizons with this movie critic gig, so you’ll probably be seeing him do just that. He also reviews books. What a guy!
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π
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Hahaha!
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You got all that outa that flick, huh? I tried to watch it but just couldn’t get into it. Way to deep, or contrived for me. It was beautifully filmed though, but that was the only good part IMHO. π₯
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Joe had a lot of Chivas in him when he wrote this, so he tends to get all wordy, LOL.
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Ha! Joe is wordy 99% of the time. Cuz you know: “They F*** YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They F*** YOU at the drive-thru! They know you’re gonna be miles away before you find out you got f***ed!” [Leo Getz]
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Buahahahaha! Leo was SO right on this one. Which is probably why I stopped going through the drive thru years ago.
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Yeah, who wants to get a tuna sandwich from the drive-thru?!
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No. Thank. You!
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I wish I had seen the movie with Joe. I like the idea of having Chivas available at the movie in case of nausea. I think you have channeled Joe very well and look forward to more movie reviews by him. Also, I could see him blast a couple of holes in the screen if he doesn’t like what he’s watching.
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Joe has a certain way about him that lends itself to movie reviews . .tell you what. The Chivas helps things along, no doubt.
And yeah, if the flick pisses him off, that movie screen might suffer the same fate as poor Spider.
Thanks Boss
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π
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To Chivas Rules
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Godamnn, this is fucking brilliant!
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Joe has a way, doesn’t he? π
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Is it a real movie π₯? Lol sounds so crazy π
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Realest dealest, RNB. It IS crazy, but so good.
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Cool, I need something βwowβ for my vacation ππ
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More wow for your wow, huh? π
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ππ haha yep
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May as well get in as many wows as you can fit. You can never have enough of em. π
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πππΊ surrounded by wows…what a wonderful Xmas
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You’re gonna corner the market!
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I like your reviews because they are succinct and you get to the points without trying to impress – you are just “who you be”
ha
and I saw this movie a long time okay – I recall liking. it okay and laughed when you write :
he woulda been dinner.
so agree
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I get by with a little help from my friends, π
Loved the book. Must’ve read it dozens of times over the years. I thought the movie did it justice.
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That is good to hear
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Indeed. π
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This made me chuckle, cheers!
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Yo! Joe says gracias and so do I.
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Wow. Haha. Those computer heiroglyphics. Genius! I think you nailed it. Great post!
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Hahaha! Thank you!
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