‘Twas The Night Before Christmas- By Christopher Walken

It was the night befah Christmas and all through my place,

Not a sound could be heard, nobody was showing their face;

My shotgun was hung over the chimney with care,

it was a prop from Deer Huntah . . . it looks really sharp there;

My cat Bowtie was snuggled all safe in his king sized bed,

because it’s good for his posture is what the wife said;

So my wife in her Burberry and me in my Gucci,

were watching some flick starring Stanley Tucci;

When out front in the yahd there arose such a racket,

I jumped out of bed and grabbed my leatha jacket;

I looked out the window but I couldn’t see a thing,

so I turned on my phone to check the app for my Ring;

My driveway looked like the fucking North Pole,

I’d have to call for a plow, and I hate that asshole!;

Then, what to my half drunken eyes should appear,

but some fat guy in a sleigh . . and horses . . that looked like something out of a musical;

With a snowy white bee-ahd that looked like St. Nick,

and a red bath robe that made him look like a total dick;

His horses were beauties, even if the antlers didn’t quite fit,

and then one of them decided to take a shit . . in my koi pond!;

Then the fat guy shouts, “Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen!”,

and I hadn’t felt that crazy since the time I voted for Nixon;

“To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!”,

which meant my roof. Why the fuck didn’t he just say . . the roof?;

There were dry heaves before the the hurricane in my stomach got ready to fly,

So I grabbed some antacids because I felt like I was gonna die;

That’s when the nightmare musical landed up on the roof,

with a sleigh full of toys and this bearded fat goof;

My homeowners insurance was working overtime now,

and then the fat bastard yelled something like “Ow!”;

Next thing I know, he’s hurtling down the chimney and into my living room.

So I shot him.





43 thoughts on “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas- By Christopher Walken

  1. Oh B!

    You’re killing me ovah heah! You know that ain’t cool as laughing causes coughing, coughing causes me peeing in my pants which then causes me to do more laundry… It’s the holidays, man, I gots me enough to do! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Now I’m seeing him with the shoulders goin’ up an’ down for emphasis and I can distinctly heah his voice. This is great fun.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh crap โ€ฆ wow โ€ฆ in the words of the immortal Harry Caray โ€ฆ Holy cow! Under the influence of anything when you wrote this? Everything I’m saying is translated into Damn good, Sir!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. DITTO that (without The Scream!). He’s a unique personality and talented actor who deserves more respect. But you do his public image at least some justice here. “So I shot him” possibly best poem ending ever. I may not have your descriptive talents however you sure know how to make us laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t realize just how long that poem was. I got about, I dunno, halfway through before I scrolled down . . and down. I thought to myself, no way. So that ending . . it called to me. LOL


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