Thank you for joining us for another episode of Monsterpiece Theater. Tonight we have invited the legendary Alec Baldwin to the stage. Mr Baldwin will be providing a refreshing new take on Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18. We ask that you refrain from taking photographs during the performance, since this would necessitate a 911 call on your behalf.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You better fucking believe it, sweetheart.
Thou art more lovely and more temperate and way hotter than that heatwave last summer that melted my balls like nobody’s business.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and they can be a bigger pain in the ass than a piece of shit paparazzi chasing me down on a coffee run.
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date. A shorter date than most of the dates I went on when I first got to Hollywood. Fucking town . . .
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, but heaven has nothing on the set of boobs I bought you. And yeah . . you’re welcome.
And often is his gold complexion dimmed; dimmed . . like a writers meeting on SNL with a bunch of virgin pricks who act like they invented comedy.
And every fair from fair sometime declines, like this Colbert asshole calling me angry. Me! Just wait until his career’s in the toilet and he’s calling me for help with the rent . . .
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed; like my hedges. What? You thought I was gonna say my balls? Get the fuck outta here!
But thy eternal summer shall not fade, but I’m fucking tell you . . Colbert’s popularity will.
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st, because you’re more fun than being chased by cops on the BQE.
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade, the way I brag about getting you in the sack.
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st. And yeah, I got a dick joke but I’m holding onto it. The joke . . not my dick.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, and knees can buckle under the swing of a Louisville Slugger . . .
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee. And now I gotta take a piss because this Diet Coke goes right through me.
Love this my man, cheers!
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Thank you good chap. Much appreciated.
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B,
You are completely nuts! I love this and I swear, I could hear Alec’s voice as I read this. Oh my… Shakespeare by Alec Baldwin… wonder what The Bard would think of it? Course the purists out there are cringing in their seats (which makes this all the better).
Why did I think you might include the Schweaty Balls? Strike that… not my favourite skit – glad you didn’t! Now I’m ducking from the mega fans of that one as I have been told I have no sense of humour if I don’t dig on it…
You rock these. We’re gonna have to come up with an official title for your celebrity takes…
Keep on being you. I love it.
Q
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Q,
I am guilty as charged, as per the “nuts” allegations. 😉
And that’s what I get a kick out of with these . . hearing the voice of the given participant. Baldwin is great because he’s got such a booming voice when he gets on a tear . . he will definitely be invited back to the stage.
I touched on it . . without actually including the schweaty. I do have SOME class, yanno? 😉
Well I know Monsterpiece Theater has to be in the running. But yep . . Imma have to have an official title on these puppies.
I’ve got no other me to be. MUAH!
B
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Did I tell you I love nuts?
They are so much fun and yay! I think he deserves to come back.
Yes, yes you did and you do 😉
Monsterpiece Theatre is an excellent choice – and I didn’t mean to allude it wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if you were just using it just for this piece. So, apologies…
Thank goodness. Coz I kinda like the you, YOU. MWAH!
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Welp, you love what you are schweetness.
Definitely. He is a natural for this stuff, I love it.
Did and done.
None needed. I’m still open to ideas, but yeah, the working title will be Monsterpiece Theater unless or until such time as something else makes sense.
That’s the me me that you get get
MUAH!
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So, I am de fact, also a nut? I’m jiggy wid it.
He really is. And you can cull so much from him and his antics!
Good and excellent.
Well, for what it’s worth, this working title works. And why not integrate movie and book reviews? They are a form of theatre, aren’t they?
Lucky me!
MWAH!
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Just de facts, Missy. So be jiggy wit your bad self.
He’s got such masterful timing, it makes him perfect for so many roles, including the ones he takes on here at Sorryless!
Bettah than buttah
Absolutely! The sky is the fucking limit, as Alec would say. And does. Often.
No me!
MUAH!
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Alrighty then. I am.
He really does. I fondly remember him “doing” Al Pacino on “Inside the Actors Studio” – so damn good.
And buttah is soo good…
It is the fucking limit so you can go wherever your imagination takes you. I’m holding on for the ride.
No US!
MWAH!
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We knew that already, 😉
Yeah, he never cheats you in his performances. It’s like a Juan Soto swing.
Worth it every time.
Woooooo! Like a cab ride where you don’t need no fucking seat belts!
Both!
MUAH!
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We did.
This is true.
It is.
What? You wear seat belts in a fucking cab?
Yes!
MWAH!
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We do.
Truth.
Yep.
It was a joke. Everybody knows there are no seat belts in a cab. It’s the law.
Jes!
MUAH!
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Yes
Yes
Yes
And not here, Buster! Though I don’t wear ’em seated in the back…
Yes!
MMWWAAHH!!
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All judges score it a YES!!!!
Wait . . what? You’ve sat in the front of a cab?
One more judge . . YES!
MUUUAAAHHH!!!
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YES!!
Yep… I have.
Woot!
MMMWWWAAAHHH!!!
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JES!!
I know it.
Woot!
MUUUUAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
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MMMWWWAAAHHH!!!
😘😘😘😘
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MMMMUUUUAAAAHHHH!!!!
😘😘😘😘
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WOOOT!
😘😘😘😘
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😘😘😘😘
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Jeez can u 2 get a room already?!?! FFS… literally! Or not. I’m just sayin’ it’s getting hot in here, so…
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Who’s to say we haven’t? Gotten a room I mean? 😉
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Highlight of my day….
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Hahaha! Don’t worry LA, the day is still quite young. 🙂
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Nope…already noted…it’s going the block book night…
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Well then, I’m really glad Alec made the scene. I couldn’t have done it without him!
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The best sonnet everRrrr! 😂
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Woooot! Thanks Valeria. 🙂
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I was on the floor with this one, Pilgrim. A showcase for your humor and talent. Well done.
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Welp, Boss . . I could not have done it without Alec. He makes it look easy!
Thank you much.
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He is good at that for sure.
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He’ll be Bach. Oh wait . . . maybe he will be Bach at some point, LOL
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We can call him Yo Hann.
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Buahahaha!
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😀
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Melting balls … Priceless! Wonderful read, and fucking educational, too!
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Fucking A, Dude! LOL
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Sheez…it was like listening to a spot-on impersonation! 😂
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He’s one a kind! LOL
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🤣🤣🤣 What can I say? Brilliant, just brilliant!!
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Hahahaha! Who knew me and Alec would pair so well together?
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Brilliant!
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It was all Alec.
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Friggin’ brilliant!
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Hahaha! Thank ya, thank ya very much.
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You slay me with these re-writes. And Alex Baldwin? Brilliant!
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He is so perfect for these! He will definitely be back on my stage, LOL.
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When in doubt, Shakespeare would probably approve.
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I appreciate that, very much.
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