Thank you for joining us for another episode of Monsterpiece Theater. Tonight we have invited the legendary Alec Baldwin to the stage. Mr Baldwin will be providing a refreshing new take on Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18. We ask that you refrain from taking photographs during the performance, since this would necessitate a 911 call on your behalf.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You better fucking believe it, sweetheart.
Thou art more lovely and more temperate and way hotter than that heatwave last summer that melted my balls like nobody’s business.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and they can be a bigger pain in the ass than a piece of shit paparazzi chasing me down on a coffee run.
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date. A shorter date than most of the dates I went on when I first got to Hollywood. Fucking town . . .
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, but heaven has nothing on the set of boobs I bought you. And yeah . . you’re welcome.
And often is his gold complexion dimmed; dimmed . . like a writers meeting on SNL with a bunch of virgin pricks who act like they invented comedy.
And every fair from fair sometime declines, like this Colbert asshole calling me angry. Me! Just wait until his career’s in the toilet and he’s calling me for help with the rent . . .
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed; like my hedges. What? You thought I was gonna say my balls? Get the fuck outta here!
But thy eternal summer shall not fade, but I’m fucking tell you . . Colbert’s popularity will.
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st, because you’re more fun than being chased by cops on the BQE.
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade, the way I brag about getting you in the sack.
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st. And yeah, I got a dick joke but I’m holding onto it. The joke . . not my dick.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, and knees can buckle under the swing of a Louisville Slugger . . .
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee. And now I gotta take a piss because this Diet Coke goes right through me.