The Sorryless Super Bowl Preview: LIV For Today Edition!

Image result for Super Bowl LIV Chiefs vs 49ers

So another football season is in the rear view and now we’re left to contemplate whether the Cleveland Browns should maybe try another line of work. And if you’re gonna ask me for a top five takeaways from NFL ’19, you know Imma provide . . .

1- Antonio Brown played exactly one game while grabbing more headlines than a newspaper delivery person.
2- The league uses more cameras than the British press and yet they still can’t get calls right.
3- Contrary to the popular belief that the game was going the way of flag football, defense still matters.
4- The New Orleans Saints must have done some really bad shit in their previous lives.
5- The Miami Dolphins were the most fascinating 5-11 team in NFL history. (I had to).

The New England Invitational has been put on ice as Tom Brady and Giselle shop for homes in more temperate climates and Bill Belichick contemplates yoga. We won’t be bogged down with Fill in the blank-Gates, avocado ice cream recipes or Live PD feeds of owner Robert Kraft walking out of massage parlors. This year, we get actual football!

And we get an historic match-up with the Chiefs making it back to the big game for the first time since Nixon was shopping for tape recorders; while the 49ers are looking to score their sixth Lombardi trophy and their first since Clinton was shopping for cigars. So of course, I had to pull one of my all time favorite NFL photographs: Chiefs legend Len Dawson tugging on a smoke in the locker room. That, is some old school shit right there.

Image result for len dawson smoking

Speaking of old school, San Francisco is bringing some of that flavor with a defense that Cersei Lannister could’ve used. Kansas City will bring its master gunslinger and a posse that could have been peeled right off the pages of the old AFL, with an ability to score from the locker room.

Image result for super bowl funny

What’s that you say? Give us some top five trivia, Marco? N’kay . . .

-The most expensive price for a ticket to the first Super Bowl was $12. Which is about what you’ll pay for a beer at this year’s game in Miami.

-The game was originally called the AFL-NFL Championship Game. Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt coined the term Super Bowl after the Super Ball his daughter played with.

-Commissioner Pete Rozelle sketched the design for the Lombardi trophy on the back of a cocktail napkin.

-17 million Americans will call in sick next Monday.

-The Patriots have appeared the most times. The Lions/Texans/Browns/Jaguars have never appeared. And the Miami Dolphins are the only team in NFL history to complete a perfect season with a Super Bowl win. (Yep . . had to).

Of course, the game will be the thing for the small fraction of the population that doesn’t tune in simply to get drunk, bet the spread or watch commercials. So Imma dish up my prediction on how the LIV Bowl will play out. This is for entertainment purposes only, because if you place a wager based on what I write? Seek help . . imeejiately.

The league agrees to cancel the first half so they can fit in all of their musical commitments. With the extra time, the teams decide to take in a Miami Heat game. At halftime, Patrick Mahomes takes part in a contest in which he can win $1,000 dollars for each shot he makes from half-court. Twenty minutes later, the Heat hold a press conference in which they introduce the Chiefs quarterback as their new owner.

When the game finally begins, Mahomes is unable to lift his arm thanks to all that balling. As a result, the 49ers sack him twelve times on one play even though the league maximum is one sack per play. A replay review proves inconclusive so the league dials up Bill Belichick who delivers video evidence that proves San Fran should be credited with twelve sacks. After three quarters of play, the Niners lead the Chiefs 4-0 thanks to two safeties and a Travis Kelce touchdown that is overturned on account of the fact that coach Andy Reid threw the pass. It’s the most bizarre turn of events since this happened.

During the two hour concert that takes place between the third and fourth quarters, Jimmy Garoppolo is suspended after making a porn in the visitor’s suite. Joe Montana suits up and throws three touchdown passes, because he is still Joe Fucking Montana. With two minutes to go and the 49ers up 32-0, Patrick Mahomes gets the feeling back in his right arm and leads the Chiefs on a furious run. He tosses four touchdown passes in forty two seconds to close the gap to 32-28.

When San Francisco’s Robbie Gould misses a fifteen yard field goal that would have put his team up by seven with nineteen seconds to go, the team trades him back to Chicago. After a delay of game penalty pushes the Chiefs all the way back to their own one yard line with three seconds left, Twitter blows up with #fortyninereasons, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer calls it for the 49ers and NPR reports on rumors of an important game being played in South Florida.

Mahomes steps back to pass as a wave of burgundy and gold converge on him, sending him back through the tunnel and all the way to the parking lot. While simultaneously signing autographs for fans, paying the $150 parking lot fee and evading the 49ers monstrous pass rush, Mahomes flings a pass back into the stadium. The ball travels three hundred and sixteen yards and lands in the arms of Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins in the end zone for the winning touchdown as time expires. The Chiefs donate the extra point to the New York Stock Exchange.

The Vatican heralds the Chiefs three hundred and sixteen yard TD winner as proof of God’s existence. Trump tweets a pic of himself clapping with hands that appear to have been photo-shopped. Ricky Gervais blames the foreign press.

After the game Las Vegas installs the Chiefs as the prohibitive favorites to win the 2021 Super Bowl, as well as the next five Super Bowls after that. Joe Montana announces that he is coming out of retirement to become the Miami Dolphins new starting quarterback (Of course I had to!)

 

 

 

96 thoughts on “The Sorryless Super Bowl Preview: LIV For Today Edition!

  1. Outstanding, Marc. Surprised the game wasn’t also delayed while you served up whatever epicurean delight you are planning to eat game day. I called Vagas and got the 49ers and two points. The guy on the other end started laughing his ass off when I read him the Marco scouting report and odds sheet. He also said life is a big batch of miracles and good luck. I laughed through this whole piece.

    Like

  2. Thought you were going to say the NFL has more cameras than the Astros. Fins definitely greatest 5-11 team in NFL history … and that 17-0 season … Yep … I called that one (Had to get that in). … and Len Dawson appears to be drinking Fresca.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So much good stuff in here, why not just make my comment about Antonio Brown.

    I read a piece earlier today about his latest troubles — a potential life sentence for his argument with a mover who wouldn’t unload AB’s stuff without payment upfront. The article referred to AB as one the NFL’s best players. To which I thought … hmmm, no, he actually isn’t an NFL player of any kind at the moment. He’s not on anybody’s roster, not under contract with any team, and there’s no indication that’s going to change any time soon.

    And I remain troubled that this is all caused by CTE. I so wish that was not a factor for these players.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Antonio Brown’s story will not end well. When he played in Pittsburgh, he was a diva. But beginning last summer when forced a trade to Oakland, things changed. We thought it was the same old nonsense, because it began with something inane- a gripe about his helmet. But the incidents escalated into physical encounters. So it’s going to be by his own hand or because he forces someone else to take him down.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. B,

    I just knew this was gonna be good…

    Top five – you’ve nailed them… particularly love number 5… but then, I am biased 😉

    Awww… no _____-gate this year – what will we bitch about? You sure about dissing avocado ice cream? Bring on the football!

    A historic match indeed. I love that both teams are way overdue. (And love the way put this) That IS some old school shit!

    10 minutes of sport, 50 minutes of commercials – ain’t that the truth.

    Your top five trivia is top-notch. I especially love the last one… the only team, eh? Why am I not surprised?

    You are right about who will be watching for what reasons. I’m probably gonna be solo on my couch flipping channels unless the game actually turns out to be a good one.

    Love your predictions!

    And fuck yeah, Montana! Always did have a soft spot for him.

    You are a hoot, yanno that?

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      It’s the Super Bowl, it’s gotta be bigger and bolder.

      Now it’s incumbent on Miami not to fuck up all this goodwill by doing something really stupid in the upcoming draft.

      I’ve had avocado ice cream. Blech!

      Old school shit but with some new school pop, so really, this game SHOULD have everything.

      I might have been off by a minute or two, I think it’s closer to twelve minutes of real action in an entire game.

      This post had to have a Miami slant seeing as how the game is being played in Miami. And the author is a Miami fan . . that doesn’t hurt either.

      The kids ditched so it’s just me and Big Papi. And making sure he doesn’t take another spill since he’s been so unsteady as of late. Yay?

      There usually is some truth in my predictions, I forget what I predicted last year. . .

      Joe Cool was the perfect moniker.

      Oh I know it. From way back! 😉

      B

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As I think I’ve noted here before, I’m not a fan of pro sports.
    But I am a fan of your writing, and so even though this piece was about pro sports, I read it.
    And I’m so glad I did! I came away with a fascinating bit of trivia that – if pressed into a conversation about the Super Bowl, this year or ever – I can use to awe and amaze: the name of the contest was inspired by a kid playing with a Super Ball.
    I had a Super Ball as a kid!
    Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • See RW? I wouldn’t let you waste your time reading some old run of the mill sports post. How boring would THAT be? Nah . . gotta put the jump in it. And I’m glad I could supply you with some 411. 😉

      Like

  6. hey – finally was able to get into leave comments on certain blogs….
    and you are really funny with the two hour concert and by the time I was here:
    “Mahomes flings a pass back into the stadium” well you had me shaking my head – good stuff amigo
    The Miami song was new to me – and I wonder why I did not know that song from Will… but it sure fit the post –

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bwahahaha! I wanna see the spread on your prediction! Wow, Andy Reid was a ‘robust’ 13-year old back in 1971. Since I don’t have a dog in this fight, either team can win; I’m just happy it ISN’T a certain team from the East Coast. I’ll be watching the Puppy and Kitten Bowl before the big game and may even take an actual count of the number of commercials the NFL plans to dump on the consuming world. 50+ years later the Chiefs return to the big show; let’s hope Mahomes plays well. It’ll be sad there has to be a loser in this game, both teams have played amazingly well this season.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me too!

      A very robust 13 year old! Wowza! He could have made the Miami Dolphins roster at 13, no problem.

      No, we will not speak of that team that shall not be mentioned. We have been pardoned for this one.

      Love those bowls!

      And the over/under on commercials for the Super Bowl . . I gotta wonder.

      I agree, both of these clubs have been tremendous this season. The Chiefs with that offense and the Niners with that defense. This should be fun.

      Liked by 1 person

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