I went into Rambo: Last Blood fresh . . . like me. I wanted to give this movie a fair suck of the sauce bottle, you know what I’m saying? If you live in America, your mind is already in the gutter so no need for me to ruin that with an explanation.
Sylvester Stallone is how old? This mate still has plenty of stallion in his tank, at least from the neck down and that’s all I’m looking for as it is. Not that I would place a bag over his head when we were going at it or anything like that. Unless he was into that sort of thing . . .
As for the actual movie, personally speaking, I think it should have been titled “Meat Surprise” because the entire bloody movie is literally just that. This John Rambo bloke is a few stubbies short of a six pack, which I have to say really triggered me because he reminded me of my ex. All of them.
So his adopted daughter, whose name is Gabriela, learns that her biological father is living in Mexico so of COURSE she has to go looking for the clacker. Her guy friend takes her south of the border and then dumps her, which I really related to. Then she’s drugged at a club and sold into prostitution. A Mexican cartel kidnaps his adopted daughter, and that’s when I knew this movie was gonna blow because it would have been a much better story line if the cartel would have adopted his kidnapped daughter . .ammm-I-right?
Rambo hears about the kidnapping and drives to Mexico to find her, which means he’s going to kill a lot of bad Mexican hombres. He goes to the club where she was last seen and a guy named El Flaco says “Oh, you’re Gabriela’s American father? Great! Let me take you to her, we’re all celebrating Taco Tuesday (Mexicans call it Tuesday) at the Bad Mexican Hombres Ranch and would be delighted to have you as a guest!” But you know that’s not what happened, because if a guy’s name is El Flaco, he’s probably lying. And yet, Rambo . . who has seen more shit than a plumber, thinks they’re just gonna give his daughter back to him?
They beat the living Vegemite out of Rambo and mark him, as if he’s a wild animal because . . okay yeah, I get it. Hugo and Victor Martinez are brothers who specialize in drug dealing and dismemberment and they’re pissed off that Rambo took time away from their busy days so they beat him some more and take his driver’s license so . . yanno . . they can say “I know where you live!” and really mean it. Then they tell him to get on his bike and go home, because they have no bloody idea who Rambo is.
This journalist named Carmen shows up and takes care of Rambo. I really thought they were gonna have sex, because it’s what happens in every action flick, no matter how pressed they are for time. Carmen is investigating the Mexican brothers because they killed her sister, so she decides to help Rambo. She helps him find a brothel, where Rambo does some ‘investigation’ of his own . . meaning he kills a bunch of bad hombres before he finds Gabriela. If you’re looking for a happy ending, tough, because she dies on the way back to his ranch.
Now Rambo is pissed. I mean again. I mean STILL.
He goes back to Mexico and tells Carmen she has to help him find the brothers, and initially she is hesitant. But then she figures, well I wouldn’t piss on those two blokes if they were on fire., and I haven’t been to the movies in forever and this should be good, so sure!
Rambo goes to Victor’s villa, because every rich person in Mexico lives in a villa. It’s the Mexican word for mansion. He kills everybody and then he lops Victor’s head off for good measure because simply killing him wouldn’t be enough of a statement. So Hugo gets a posse and pays a visit to Rambo’s ranch, which is rigged with more traps than an American election.
Hugo going along is predictable, but it makes zero sense. Why would the Boss tag along when he’s worth all that money and he can remain safe and sound in his villa? Send your goons and watch what happens on a live remote! So of course Rambo kills everyone and somehow is able to save Hugo for last because it’s an action movie and action movie writers steal more money than a pickpocket at a New Year’s celebration. Rambo rips out Hugo’s heart, literally rips the bugger’s heart out! Easily the best part of the film, which I gotta admit, wasn’t hard to pull off. At the end of the movie, after making a bunch of guys his bitch, he rides off into the sunset.
Story of my life.