First Draft Horoscopes: Pisces

Image result for pisces fish painting

The sun is knocking on your door today, bringing you a much needed dose of physical and emotional vitality. Turns out, the sun is very much the flip side of your ex . .Β  who you will wind up wasting all this positive energy on when they call to wish you a happy birthday.

So for the next month, you have a cosmic ticket that . . if punched correctly, will help you focus on all the crazy brilliant plans and ideas you’ve been hatching when you were supposed to have been working. A relationship that lasts longer than a smoke break? Yeah, that would be a nice change.

Jupiter and Neptune are hooking up on Thursday and this might influence your entire week as a result. This may seem like great news, and on a cosmic level it really is. But literally speaking, the composition of these two planets will burn and suffocate you to death. Oh, and the fiery planet of Mars will be aligning with Uranus . . so lay off the spicy food this week.

Your career outlook actually looks promising right now. Okay, it looks decent . . . ish. Which is more than you deserve after the last three severance packages ended in painfully complicated refunds. And thank God for time served, huh?

But never mind all that because change is on the horizon and it’s up to you to make it new moon perfect. Or you could just turn that phone call from the ex into drinks . . and another go round . . and yet another identity in yet another shit bucket town. The choice is yours.

And that’s not helping matters.


47 thoughts on “First Draft Horoscopes: Pisces

  1. This is a classic, Marc. The laugh out loud line of the day is “Oh, and the fiery planet of Mars will be aligning with Uranus . . so lay off the spicy food this week.” I know, I know sophomoric but, hey a laugh is a laugh. This reminds me of a couple of Pisces I dated in college. Always fun, but quite difficult to determine where the heck one is in the morning. Makes you wish you’d left a trail of bread crumbs the night before. Thanks for the laughs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. B,

    You rock these carazy horoscope-things! (Mine’s next and I can’t wait πŸ˜‰ )

    My very first boyfriend was a Pisces… we did the off and on again thing so often, we went to neither of our proms together! Ahhh youtes! Never dated another one again. Wonder why? Must be that fire and water thing, which would come in handy when Mars (which is apparently my planet – who knew?) and Uranus connect, eh?

    You keep doing you, which, at least once per month, has us in stitches πŸ˜‰


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      It’s a long since held tradition (not) to bring horror to the horoscope. Since the time when 800 pound gorillas roamed the blog earth.

      No prom for me either. Not mine anyways. Didn’t miss it.

      You girls are so funny with signs. Is there really something to em? I only ever paid attention to them if someone told me about it AND . . . and this is the important part . . it was a good horoscope for that day.

      Anything with Uranus makes me giggle.

      I think this is my last sign coming up, no? That would have completed the dysfunctional cycle, I’m almost certain. πŸ˜‰


      Liked by 1 person

  3. Bahahaha…I’ve never gotten into horoscopes until now. Hilarious! My favorite line, the end tag of “And that’s not helping matters.” Unlike, Dale, I’m terrified to read mine, but it’s months away so I have time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ella!!!!!!!

      I no do horoscopes unless I write them. That’s my rule.

      That there was my drop the mic line, LOL. And what sign are you? Because after Dale’s birthday I was going to move in to fortune cookies and other stuff since I would have gone around the horn on signs. But . . . if I know your sign . . I could always revisit this in a few months. πŸ™‚


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