Searching Paul Simon’s cutting room floor

Dogs are one of the few creatures on this earth capable of unconditional love. The rest of us are negotiating the terms daily . . . 

There are two types of romantic advice seekers: The ones who want you to talk them into something, and my friend Barry. I’ll call him Barry since that’s his name. I’ve probably mentioned the guy in a post at some point, seeing as how he sifts my brain for intel on the opposite sex. Which is akin to asking the captain of the Titanic for directions to New York City. But it’s not a paragon of valuable information Barry is looking for. He just wants someone to talk him out of his current situation. .

I refuse to be complicit in this crime of passionless. All I do is ask questions, make observations which have no basis in fact since I don’t know the woman, and supply witty banter, pro bono no less. So if you ask me, he is getting exactly what he paid for.

A top five most popular topics of conversation Barry has introduced regarding his rodeo partner? Sure why not . . . .

The Past- So it seems that Cersei Lannister (Not her real name, of course. Because I’m not crazy enough to use her real name. Barry’s one thing. He’s just a retired cop with an extensive gun collection) . . . anyway, sorry for the bloated parenthetical explanation. As I was saying, Cersei Lannister has a problem with Barry’s ex wife. To which I completely understand. I mean, if she didn’t have a problem with his ex wife, I wouldn’t trust her. That said, Cersei also has a problem with Barry’s daughter, whom he takes to dinner once a week. It’s their time and Cersei ain’t crazy about being left out.

In a word? I have a problem with this. She’s forty something and has never had kids, which only adds to the problemacy©, (My word, because I needed to amuse myself since their relationship ain’t amusing in the least). So my advice to Barry was to let Cersei know that his daughter is the only female she doesn’t get to negotiate out of his picture.

The Present- Their preferred method of communication is arguing. They argue over everything. What to eat, what movie to see, where to go on the weekend and oatmeal cookies. Oatmeal. Fucking. Cookies. (He’s Team Traditional, She’s Team Raisins). My advice was simple: When a relationship has devolved into oatmeal cookie arguments, you are Mariana Trenching© it. Sadly, the relationship has bypassed homicide as a solution.

The Future- Barry just moved into a new place, which Cersei really digs because it’s closer to her job. Barry has also been shopping homes outside of Jim Thorpe, which Cersei really doesn’t dig at all because it’s a LOT further away. And it would mean they have to argue about oatmeal cookies over the phone rather than face to face.

I told Barry this house hunting venture is lame. For one thing, even people who want to get away from it all realize they have gone too far if they arrive in Jim Thorpe. For another, he is implementing a passive/aggressive strategy in order to extricate himself from a miserable situation. Paul Simon ain’t need 51 ways to leave your lover and he’s way more interesting than Barry, so there’s that.

Imma stop at three because I’ve achieved a Christmas Carol vibe. Instead I’ll supply you with some of the particulars if you happen to be in the same boat as Barry.

1- Never discuss important shit while eating Captain Crunch. It’s impossible to be taken seriously when eating Captain Crunch.
2- If you argue whilst listening to Kenny Loggins Footloose, your relationship is doomed. Because it’s scientifically impossible to do so unless you are not meant to be.
3- Stop using the ‘forever’ template for love things. It’s why people stay in the wrong thing too long. Because they’re measuring it against forever.
4- Being “afraid” to be alone will lead to you being alone. Because as I’ve learned, the loneliest times of my life were spent in a relationship gone wrong.
5- Stop caring what others think about your situation. These are surface oriented concerns that contribute nothing to your relationship.

That last one counted most for me, and I doubt Barry will heed its meaning. He just wants to dance around the issue, and he’s looking for dance partners who will tell him what he wants to hear. But at the very least, he should give his relationship the Footloose test.

I’m convinced he would thank me for it.


39 thoughts on “Searching Paul Simon’s cutting room floor

  1. B,

    I’ll not wax poetic as I usually do coz, well,
    1) yanno how I feel about all of this stuff
    2) I agree with your way of handling Barry
    3) Barry’s daughter is non-negotiable as anyone with kids would know
    4) I’ve only got an hour free 😉
    5) And avoidance is simply taking the Band-Aid off so slow, it pulls one hair off at a time. Just rip and be done with it, I say…

    Your last five points show your wisdom and understanding of this whole relationship biz. Peeps get in their own damn way all the time!

    Love that song and Imma be Footloosing© it in the time it takes us to go back and forth here a coupla times 😉



    Liked by 1 person

    • Q,

      You would have been allowed to wait until you got back to read this, yanno. 😉 But if I help to pass the time until the boat docks, that’s called value added!

      Barry just wants to bitch and moan and complain. He wants me, and whoever his real friends are, to commiserate. But the thing is, in my experience when someone is asking for advice, it means they’re communicating with people other than the one they should be communicating with.

      I’ve met this chica he goes with once. Maybe twice, I don’t remember. She’s very cold from the looks of it, but that’s not my business.

      You were wise to copyright the Footloosing, because I was gonna use it immejiately!



      Liked by 1 person

      • I know… I’m just getting as much outta you as I can… 😉 Besides, I’ll have at least three posts to read of yours when I get back!

        This is a truism. He just wants to talk it out and have peeps agree with him. Not gonna help with his chica whatsoever if he doesn’t talk to her.

        And you’re right. Not your business as you don’t have to deal with her… Unless she’s with Barry when you to hang and watch football 😉

        LOL! You are more than welcome to use my copyright – I share with my loved ones. And if I may borrow yours…?


        Liked by 1 person

        • WOOT! Yes, and the Heroes post you provided a contribution for . . . again! 🙂

          I don’t think they ever talk. I think they simply argue their way through the day. To which I say . . they’re grown ass people . . if that’s how they want to roll, not my bizness.

          I think Barry has cooled to the idea of hanging out since I never am available. I just don’t have the desire to be friends on the level of hanging out. I’ve closed up shop as far as that concerned.

          But of course you can! MUAH!


          Liked by 1 person

          • Sa-weet!! My little bit to keep me Inn your remembery…

            That’s such a shame amd the story of so many couples.and some remain like that till they friggen die. What a horrid way to live. The worse are those who say they “thrive” on arguing – really just justifying their bad ways .



            Liked by 1 person

          • While you’re Cruise Shipping it. 😉

            I have to admit I used to be an arguer. I gave it up and lost my edge as a result. That part of it I miss very much. The hyper tension that settled in? Welp . . .



            Liked by 1 person

          • Shipping it… Lol.

            Welp, suggestion for you… I’ll give you opportunities when you feel the need 😉😏 then we can kiss and make up. Deal?


            Liked by 1 person

          • LOL!! The waiting game! No. 39 to board…they’re at 23 (port has wifi).

            I thought you might like that…ummm. proposition. April. Sounds perfect to me.



            Liked by 1 person

          • Numbaahhhh thirty nine . . . I don’t got a famous Yankees number for that. But 23 . . . Don Mattingly.

            Done. And Boom!




  2. As always, a keen eye from the Sage Master. It can be infuriating when ‘friends’ ask for your advice and then when you offer it, promptly ignore it. While I admire you friending Barry, maybe he is part and parcel of the “cut him loose too” category?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yanno, guys with guns are a dime a dozen and not worth worrying about (You can tell I’m an American). But I’m not crazy enough to divulge her name because I know she wouldn’t just shoot me.

      And yes, I’ve never been lonelier. True thing.

      Thanks Peter

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You have highlighted (I think) a void in the continuum: we need a female version of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover! Hit the bricks Trix. Go away Faye. Make a new plan Nan and let me be free!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One of my biggest pet peeves: people stuck (for decades) in high school relationships and all their drama. So exhausting to hear or be around. Grow up! The Barry’s of the world who don’t walk away from such relationships are getting something out of them but I’ve never figured out just what. Great makeup sex?
    His poor kid.
    Thanks for the tip about Captain Crunch 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh! You and me both!

      Barry is afraid to be alone. He would never admit it, but that’s exactly what is going on here. But yeah, sorry . . arguing with someone all the time would have me wishing for a quick and certain death.

      Great makeup sex stopped being worth it after I got divorced, LOL.

      As for the Captain Crunch tip, that came to me one day when I was giving my son shit over something and he couldn’t keep a straight face. I’m pretty sure I would have had him shitting his pants if I’d been eating an egg and bacon sammy.


  5. Hi – love the new word prbelemacy- very very good one.
    And regarding parenthetical explanations – there is a blogger I can no longer read because he does want too many of those – and his writing style is “super bantering and cute to himself” but I find it annoying –
    I know some writers go through phases and then they some have their choppy playful seasons –
    And some just always write that way – and I bet many folks were annoyed by e e Cummings and his “style” and rule breaking –
    but too many parenthetical explanations is never a problem here – and I like how you even made a comment about it!

    And last thing to Chime in with – it might be the way Barry goes about things that also adds to Cersi’s frustration. – of course a dad needs daughter time – but if he is still building trust and bonding with Cersi – he needs to let her feel more included even in events that she cannot join him on. There are ways to do that – but as you noted – this pair might have lost of frictionous (how is that for a word?) areas and bad habits might be at the core of many bumps

    And especially cheers to #5
    That is a huge wellness tip

    Liked by 1 person

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