I had the choice between watching the final season of The Man in the High Castle or interviewing Donald Trump. And I blew it. But hey, I figured it would be my best chance to get into the White House since it’s painfully apparent they let anybody in these days.
Of course, I should’ve known this was a big mistake when I endured a three hour phone call in which his publicist recited a list of topics that were off limits. I was promised a second interview if I played by the rules, and now I have to decide whether I want to opt in or have a vasectomy. Decisions, decisions!
We will convene in the newly opened Hooters located in the West Wing and I am told not to stray from the restaurant on account of the movie that is being filmed in the Rose Garden. Yep . . it’s a porn.
Trump enters the restaurant and we shake hands. His hands are smaller than Miss Havisham’s dreams in the novel Great Expectations. I decide not to mention this fact since I want to get inside Trump’s head and have a look around. I imagine it has more square footage than my last house. He orders an iced tea and then one of everything off the menu and then tells me he’s got ten minutes . . or however long it takes for his wings to be served.
What are your thoughts on the democratic field?
Trump- I have no thoughts.
I recognize that. Okay, let me rephrase the question. What is your opinion of the democratic field?
Trump- They’re all career politicians, socialists, communists, murderers and child rapists.
Those are pretty strong accusations you’re making. Do you care to elaborate on the murderers and child rapists you’re referring to?
Trump- I never elaborate, it’s a time waster. I say it one time . . and then I say it a hundred more times. And then I retweet it all day.
You do realize that you can’t go around calling people murderers and child rapists in the real world unless you have . . .
Trump- What’s that? The real world . . what is that?
The real world is the place where you don’t live.
Trump- What is it like? . . . this place?
Well, up until three years ago it was great. We had no idea how good we had it because we were too busy blaming Obama for everything.
Trump- I hate that guy.
Who do you like?
Trump- You’re looking at him.
Let’s go back to your statement about murderers and child rapists. Who are you referring to and what evidence do you have to support these serious allegations?
Trump- I don’t worry about evidence unless it helps me. When I say they’re murderers and child rapists, I mean they’re just as evil as those people. They don’t have to commit those horrible acts for me to call them those things . . .
Well, actually . . a person WOULD have to commit those atrocious acts . . and then be found guilty in a court of law, before you could refer to them in this way.
Trump- Says you.
Wow, that’s very mature.
Trump- Thank you.
Is there any truth to the rumor that Geraldo Rivera will be your Vice President should you win a second term?
Trump- I trust Pence with my life. But if he ever screwed me over, I would bury him as many times as you could bury a person. Then yes . . Geraldo would be a great choice. Not that I need to win over the Hispanics because you know, they love me already.
Let’s talk about the border wall.
Trump- You can ask me anything.
As part of your 2016 Campaign-alooza, you pledged that the wall would be completed in three and a half years at a cost of twenty one million dollars and that Mexico would pay for it. But that hasn’t happened. In fact, the Pentagon is slashing programs and siphoning those monies to use for border wall construction. Also . . your administration recently announced it had built 100 miles of wall but failed to mention that most of that construction simply replaced barriers that already existed. How do you explain this?
Trump- I said you could ask me anything. I didn’t say you could tell me anything.
Can we talk about Russia?
Trump- Nothing to talk about. I’m great friends with Russia, and Putin respects the hell out of me because I have the biggest hands he’s ever seen.
Big hands are important to you, aren’t they?
Trump- Very important.
Can you repeat that for me? Please?
Trump- I love big hands, and I cannot lie.
So you’re saying size matters to you.
Trump- Yes!
And you like them big?
Trump- Huge!
Okay, now that I’ve milked that for all it’s worth . . . who is your favorite modern day president, other than yourself.
Trump- Michael Scott.
Michael Scott . . . was the fictional Scranton branch manager for Dunder Mifflin. He was never president.
Trump- False! He was president for nine seasons on NBC. I met him a couple times when I was doing the Apprentice!
Okay, he was only the manager for seven seasons . . and he was president for zero seasons. In fact, he never even played the president in a movie or TV show. But I can see how you may have emulated his managing style.
Trump- That guy understood the job, he knew how hard it was.
That’s what she said.
Trump- What?
Sorry, that was an Abe Lincoln joke.
Trump- Great president, but I’m better, and I gotta be honest. I prefer presidents who didn’t get shot.
Too soon.
As I begin to contemplate ending my life by plunging a spork into my jugular, his Doritos encrusted wings make the scene and save my life.
Trump- Didn’t you order anything?
Yes, a cab ride.
Well done.
But…you’ve sullied my WordPress Reader page with his photo. You now owe me and your other regular readers several more posts to push his ugly mug too far down the screen to be seen.
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Yanno, I was considering a caricature. But I thought it to be redundant.
Welp . . Imma have some remedies over the coming week for this Chernobyl that . . I promise . . will not damage the retinas further.
Postscript? I was gonna go with that ghastly (I know, redundant) pic of him with his orange hair blown back and the orange mask outline. It was making the internet rounds last month and I swear, it made me think of the movie with Travolta and Cage where they switch faces. Only Trump’s pic was much more disturbing.
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😉
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Uh huh. LOL
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You nailed it here in so many ways, but this is the quintessential Trump: “I never elaborate, it’s a time waster. I say it one time . . and then I say it a hundred more times. And then I retweet it all day.”
Perfect.
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That’s who we have in the driver’s seat. How proud are we?!
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As proud as proud can be with a narcissistic Orange Clown running the country.
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I drove by Musser Park this afternoon and remembered back to when Obama spoke there in 2008. God . . I want a time machine and I didn’t even vote for the guy!
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Eye bleach, please. And then maybe a lobotomy? Could you maybe interview Doctor Who with the idea she will erase all our memory banks about this orange stain?
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Doctor Who would be a kickass interview!
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And if she could erase our collective minds of 45’s interview, all the better.
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He ruined the 45 record too! WTF!
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Not surprising. Everything he touches dies. Just ask Rick Wilson.
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And in keeping with Wilson’s sentiments, the GOP will get its comeuppance for their cowardly support of this guy.
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Hope springs eternal.
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Then why do I feel so pissed off about what’s going on? Ugh.
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There will need to be a whole lot more people who feel the same way before there’ll be a shift in public sentiment.
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I fear the next nine months. I fear it a lot. I hate to feel this way.
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I hear ya. There are some scary times ahead.
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I read this through and then I was somewhat buoyed by the comedy of it all . . until I read the news right after. And . . . back to the reality that includes zero laughs.
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It would be funny if it weren’t so true. That’s the real scary part.
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Right? I feel as if all the satirizing I was doing back during the W administration was downright quaint compared to this circus.
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No kidding. I’d give just about anything for W to be back in the White House instead of the current occupant.
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Isn’t it amazing that we are at this place? Sad too.
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People thought I was being hyperbolic when I said he’d ruined the institution of the presidency. Now they’re saying I was spot on. Unfortunately.
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He’s gone scorched earth on the institution alright. Damn.
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Sadly I think the damage is immeasurable at this point.
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Let’s keep the faith sister, best we can.
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It’s all we can do. That and to vote this year like our lives depend on it.
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Everyone. Agreed. I think people really didn’t believe Trump could win in 2016. That’s no excuse though.
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Can you interview Boris Johnson next please?
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What do I start with? Brexit or the hair?
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Easier just to punch him in the face 14 times
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Talk about dropping the mic!
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Well, that trumps any other interview I have seen or heard! It’s absolutely his-torical!
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Bahahahaha! Thanks chica! 🙂
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Great interview, Marc. I had to laugh at the subtle asides like “That’s what she said.” Well done.
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I laughed at that one too. You can never go wrong with The Office references. I could watch that show a hundred times over.
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I know right?
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One of my all time favorites.
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My guess is you probably feel like you need a shower now..:)
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I took a steam shower this morning and said seven Hail Marys. It didn’t keep . . .
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This was funny. 🙂
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Funny story. I laughed as I wrote it up and then again when I edited it. And then I posted and it hit me that THIS is not satire. It’s what we’ve been living for the past three and a half years.
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He’s like Jane Eyre with bad hair. Classic. But a bad remake.
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We had it made when he was on NBC. He was our executive in comedy without being in charge of anyone we really cared about.
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OY, as they say.
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And they left town . . . can’t says I blame they
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NOPE.
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Lol this was accurate.
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A little too accurate, huh?
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The humor was spot on. Lol so ridiculous.
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Whereas some think this was a spoof, I believe you actually interviewed the guy because this seems too real not to be.
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It might as well be, huh? LOL
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B,
I leave for one week and miss this? I cannot imagine the pain of being stuck for three hours with his publicist… And those decisions… 😉
And, of course, it took place at Hooters… for ten minutes or time cooked.
Love the “never elaborate line to retweet all day” part. And then the “don’t worry about evidence…” – And here I thought this post was fictional.
So glad you stopped yourself from sporking your jugular. We need you around to make us laugh. And cry.
As always. The most perfect tune.
Q
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Q,
That publicist conversation is some true shit right there. I’ve dealt with a couple where the conversation with them was longer than the interview I would later conduct.
Cooked is symbolic, isn’t it?
Fact and fiction . . we got the buy one get one free in 2016!
Sporking the jugular would’ve taken a few hours, not worth it.
Gracias lovely!
B
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True shit indeed. Mind you, if the one you are interviewing is interesting, you at least can enjoy the conversation that precedes the interview, using some of the conversation to give the interview colour.
It IS symbolic! As in, you guys are cooked ever since you voted him in…
Fact? There was fact? Well, yes, I suppose amidst all the fiction we can find some…
No, definitely not worth it.
My pleasure, love.
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I would actually love to interview Trump, if only because I would set the over/under at three minutes. As in, that’s how long it would go before he ended things.
Well, not me. But yeah, I get to go along for the ride.
The ridiculousness, that’s all fact. As we have come to learn.
Nope.
MUAH!
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I would love to read/hear that interview. Three minutes, eh? If you’re lucky.
No, not you. Not many. So many dragged along that ride.
That is true.
MWAH!!
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Very lucky. I would hold off on the Ukraine until then. Because I know it’s over at that point.
Kicking and screaming.
It is.
MUAH!
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Smart of you.
Yes.
MWAH!!
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You gotta know when to hold em . .
Jes.
MUAH!!!
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Told ya you were smart.
MWAH!!!
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😉
MUAH!!
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😘😘
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What’s that….the real world? 🙂 – it’s kinda a good question to ask 😂😂😂
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Actually, it is!
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