sorryless

From the Spam Files: Case #660

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Spam

If you’re like me (And for your sake, I really hope you’re not), you look forward to rifling through your Spam folder for hidden gems. With the world under house arrest, it seems that even the spam-bags are suffering as I had to scroll all the way back to St Patrick’s Day to find me a pique-pocket.

The following spam dish is brought to us courtesy of Secretary General Antonio Guterres. I was dubious from the get, seeing as how a dude with such an impressive title is busy doing clerical work. But I’m willing to give anyone a chance, and when he informed me that he was working on behalf of Zenith Bank AND the United Nations . . and then he addressed me as beneficiary?

It doesn’t hurt to listen is all I’m saying . . .

Attention: Beneficiary,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the sum of USD$5,000,000.00 million dollars through a secured/ certified mode of payment Via ATM Visa Card. . .We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you . . .You are advised to contact Mr. peter Amangbo Executive Director at ZENITH BANK OF NIGERIA PLC as she is our representative in West Africa – LAGOS NIGERIA. Contact him immediately for the release of your USD$5,000,000.00 million dollars compensation payment from the (United Nations) this fund is in an ATM Visa Card for security purpose so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice in your country. Therefore, you should send him your Full name, Address and Telephone Number.

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your ATM Visa Card.

Making the world a better place.

Regards,

Secretary-General António Guterres.

For the purposes of brevity (mine) and sanity (yours), I condensed this elementary school quality piece of work. Here then, is my reply to Antonio.

Tony,

You don’t mind if I call you Tony, do you? Coo. I was super engrossed with the story you were selling me. The same way I’m engrossed by Tiger King.  It’s like a slow motion train wreck that makes you question the future of humanity. So of course I’m all in.

Thing is, five million dollars on at ATM card is dicier than a Taco Bell secret menu item. Putting that much money on a single cash card is too Kardashian for my blood. How’s about cold hard cash? I thought U.N. officials carried around briefcases full of the stuff. If you think that might raise too much suspicion, you could send me a Starbucks Black Card. Or better yet, how about you ship me the cash equivalent in black market Oxy? Just don’t try sending me those Mexi-blues because I know the difference.

Also, I’m a tad bit confused as to whether I address this Peter Amangbo as a Mr or Ms, so please verify because I don’t want to make a fool of myself. As soon as I receive your reply, I will send you all the information you requested. Call me crazy, but I trust you completely. Maybe it’s because you signed off not once but four times! I took one look at that and said to myself . . Well pimp my biscuit with jalapeno honey! I like your style Mr. Secretary General. You’re a real prince.

God bless your family, and your other family as well,

Hoping to hear from myself after I strike it rich,

What the world needs now is love sweet love

May the odds be ever in your favor,

Pretty sincerely,

Amos Hart