Frank has issued me a challenge to which I just had to accept, because it means he’ll make way for this joint as a result. His mission, if I chose to accept it, was to make a short story out of the image below. And so I did just that. It should be noted I didn’t give myself a word count, because I know full well once I get writing, I can’t shut myself up . . .
Andy led Monica into the men’s room of The Bulldog Cafe and stood in front of the stall, beaming like a Cheshire cat standing over a drained Koi pond.
“We’re in the men’s room . . because?”
“The sign? They posted this sign because of us!” Andy said excitedly.
“Because of us, I’m not following . .”
“The stall babe, this is OUR stall! It’s where we, yanno . . .”
“Is this why you dragged me in here? To remind me about my less than brilliant life choices? I can call my mother for that, thank you,”
Andy continued, apparently clueless to the slight as he remembered back to their raucous New Year’s celebration a year earlier, as if this men’s room was the top of the Eiffel Tower.
“We had sex in this stall . . and now we’re immortalized!”
“Because of this sign?” Monica asked disbelievingly.
“Hell yes because of this sign! Remember how pissed the owner was when he had to come in here because people were complaining about the couple in the stall?” Andy laughed.
“No, I don’t remember. Which is the point Andy . . because that’s how sex in a bathroom stall works. The participants are in no condition to remember anything!”
“Well, I remember . .” Andy said, clearly hurt by Monica’s brazen attitude.
“And I love you for it, really I do. But something tells me that . . Tiger? Something tells me Tiger didn’t post this sign because we were the first couple to have sex in that stall,”
Andy was undeterred as he studied the stall door now.
“You know what? We did break the door that night, I knew it! Look, they replaced it with plywood! If my memory serves me right, the original door was made of pine, wasn’t it?”
“No babe, it was cherry wood . . with dovetailed edges. Because Tiger and his business partner, whose name I can only assume must be Booger, those boys always go top of the line,”
“Okay, you obviously do not share my appreciation for our connubial flammability. But that door was most definitely pine,” Andy said as the door to the men’s room swung open and a burly man in a football jersey ambled in.
“Excuse me,” He grunted as he moved around the couple and settled over the urinal.
“Honey, can we discuss this somewhere else? I’m sure this gentleman would like some privacy,” Monica said through gritted teeth.
“Nah, I’m good. Yanno, when I gotta drain the lizard, ain’t nothing or no one who’s gonna stop it,” The man chuckled.
“Okay, I’m outta here,” Monica said, throwing her arms up in disgust.
“Wait . . wait a minute. Sir, perhaps you could settle an argument me and my wife are having about this stall door. I told her that, clearly it’s been replaced and . . ”
“Yes dear, and my new boss? Bears a striking resemblance to Keanu Reeves . . so maybe you want to quit trying my patience and let this nice man go about his . . . business?” Monica said as she took hold of his arm. But Andy wasn’t budging.
“Yeah, they replaced it last year.” The man chimed in. “Tiger said it was coming off its hinges . . . says some couple was having sex and busted the damn thing,”
“BOOM!” Andy bellowed. “That was US!”
“No shit,” The man laughed as the door to the men’s room swung open again and a boy entered.
“Oh good! More company,” Monica deadpanned.
“Daddy? What’s a girl doing in here?” The boy gawked as he moved to the sink to wash his hands.
“Look at that. Ten years old and he gets it. What’s your excuse?” Monica said as her eyes burned into Andy.
The burly man moved to the sink with his son and began washing his hands now. “Son, remember how I was telling you about the birds and the bees?”
“Is he gonna bang her?” The boy asked.
“Yeah son, I think he’s gonna bang her so we should get outta here,” He chuckled.
“I don’t know what you see in him, lady. But I’ll guard the door . .” The boy winked on his way out.
“That . . . is wrong on so many levels,” Monica said.
“I think it’s kinda sweet,” Andy smiled.
“We’re never having kids. I just decided that,” Monica said.
“I can’t wait to have kids with you. I imagine they’ll crawl into bed with us in the early morning. I’ll go downstairs to make us some coffee, and when I come back up to the room there you are, fixing those great big, beautiful eyes on me. And your hair’s all mussed up and you’ve got no makeup on and none of it matters because I am looking at the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on . . .”
“You know what?” Monica said, her anger subsiding no matter how hard she tried to get it back. “You suck. And I love you. So much” Monica said as tears began to pool on the corners of her eyes.
“So whaddya say? Wanna go another round while we’re here, since we have our own personal security detail?” Andy said.
“Not a chance, Romeo.” Monica said as she led him out of the bathroom. “Plywood can’t handle what I’ve got in store for you, pal”