Joe Pesci Movie Review: Siberia

So I gotta start by saying what the fuck?! Keanu Reeves is a Canadian? I mean, when in the fuck did that happen? Because when I watched him in dose Matrix flicks, he was an American. And that movie about the bus where he ends up banging Sandra Bullock at the end? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was an American in that one too . . .

Anyways, Marco asked me to do a movie review for Siberia, and it’s about time he asked me back . . da stupid prick! But he wasn’t doing me any favors as things turned out, because this movie was a more worthless piece of shit than my Uncle Tony.

Things start out okay, because here I was thinking it was a John Wick movie where someone kills his dog at the beginning and then he ends up taking out half of Russia. But no, this ain’t that. At all. It’s . . . what would Marco call it? It’s got more of that nuance shit that he eats up . . that happen to find more pointless than patchouli, but be that as it may. I kept watching because I’m an asshole or something . .

Reeves plays a diamond merchant named Lucas who travels to Russia, because da guy can’t find a movie role that doesn’t involve fucking Russians. He’s in St. Petersburg . . . da other St. Petersburg, where he’s supposed ta hook up with this degenerate named Pyotr. But the guy ain’t nowhere to be found.

So now . . there’s this Russian gangster, which is fucking redundant since every Russian I ever met is a gangster. His name is Boris . . again, redundant. And he’s pissed ya see? Because Lucas, the dumb prick, got screwed ovah by Pyotr and so he aint’ got da diamonds . . and now Boris is gonna cut his balls off if he doesn’t fix this shit. Again . . redundant.

Lucas goes to Siberia to find this Pyotr douche bag. His first night there, he gets in a fight with some Russians that doesn’t go well, because he’s no John Wick. This hot numbah of a waitress named Katya, of fucking course, tells Lucas that her broda thinks they’re sleeping together so get this . . she asks him to bang her. Which he does because he’s not a total schmuck.

And dat’s it! Da rest of this fucking movie is Lucas looking for Pyotr and him banging Katya. Oh yeah, da wife of this Lucas guy? Molly fucking Ringwald . . . and I had no idea! Because you see her like once, and then she’s like, well go bang dis Russian chick if that’s what you wanna do, ya stuttering prick, see if I care! So Lucas bangs her . . like twenty times over the next howah. Evidently, he’s looking ta see if maybe this chick tucked the diamonds up her ass or something.

So Lucas’s trip to Siberia consists of banging Katya and going bear hunting with the guys who kicked his ass earlier in the movie. Fucking genius . . . I mean, who da fuck goes bear hunting with Russians . . outside of Dick Cheney?! And at some point, he finds out that Pyotr fucked him over and sold the diamonds.

Later on, Lucas decides to sell Boris some fake diamonds while wearing a wire because he figures it’s the only way he’s getting out of Russia. Of course, the only good ideas dis guy has are coming from his other head. He does end up finding Pyotr . . dead on a toilet. No diamonds . . .

In da last scene, Lucas gets into a shootout with a piece of shit rifle and somehow is able to kill all the guys who are afta him . . except the one guy he shoulda killed first, because he ends up killing Lucas. Which means he ain’t gonna be banging Katya for da hundredth time inside an howah and a half . .

Thank God

 

65 thoughts on “Joe Pesci Movie Review: Siberia

  1. Hey Joe,

    First off – yeah. He’s Canadian. And despite this particularly bad move (which I can’t believe Marco aksed you to watch – and I’m sorry you did), he’s one of ours so. Yeah. He might PLAY an American but no.

    I’ll have to agree with you. Nuance only goes so far. And in this type of movie, that means nowhere. And seriously. Boris? Katya? Are there no other names in Russia? And seriously, can you blame Lucas for banging her? I mean he’s got Molly Ringwald at home – and no one recognized her! She ain’t Pretty in Pink no more.

    I hav’ta tell ya, Joe. You do movie reviews like no other. I watched the damn thing and felt myself zoning out and after reading this, you reminded me of why!

    Funny how he turned John Wick by the end, but not quite, coz yanno, he didn’t survive.

    I hope the next time Marco akses you to do a review, he gives you a good one. He thought he was doing well, though. This was supposed to be an action flic – though the description is ROMANTIC crime thriller. Dintcha just feal the romance or was it too nuanced?

    Sorry you had to go through that,

    Canadian Chick

    Liked by 4 people

    • Yanno? I kinda am taking a liking to Canadian chicks thanks to you. You got a real attitude though. It must be all that sahcasm you guys are famous for . . .

      Da Russians have otha names . . like Vladimir and Katarina. I dated a Katarina once. Well, I ordered her, express shipping, from Minsk. She had a shoe habit though, cost me a fortune!

      I couldn’t believe that putz, Marco, gave me dis movie ta review! I mean, what da fuck was he thinking? Because I tuned in to SEE John Wick and I got John Doe.

      See? That was the first clue this movie was a piece of shit. What in da FUCK is a romantic crime thrillah anyways? And no, I didn’t feel no nuance. If I saw any nuance, I woulda shot it.

      Me too! Next time I’m gonna tell Marco what movie I’m watching.

      Watcha doing Friday?

      Liked by 2 people

      • I think you like the attitude. You’d be bored to tears if I was to wussy and quiet.

        Guess what, Joe… Katarina is long for Katya so… try again. What do you expect when you order on line? I’m sure you could afford the shoes.

        I know you’re frustrated but I kinda like when you have shit to say. I thought he was more like John Dud but Doe will do.

        I dunno what in the fuck a romantic crime thriller is but I don’t think this was one. I betcha you woulda.

        That’s a great idea, Joe. You tell him!

        Oh, I’m watching a movie…

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well I happen ta know you ain’t no wussy . . .

          Get da hell outta heah! I swore it sounded romantic as hell when she told me hah name. So MANY syllables.

          The Doe made a Dud, and it’s a good thing I like Reeves or I woulda taken out his kneecaps . . .

          Romantic crime thrillah means ya probably are gonna be pissing away a money, THAT’S what it means!

          I’m gonna tell that bastid!

          Are ya?

          Liked by 1 person

  2. So listen up pencil neck. youse better not send my palsie Joe into no more of dese intellectual mind fuckin’ movies. Don’t you know he’s da man when it comes to relating the particulars of any piece of filmuloid entertainment? He normally cuts to the finish and you don’t have to wonder if you need to spend the $52.00 on a ticket, popcorn, big gulp, and fuckin’ raisenettes. He tells it like it is from a storical perspective. Not like trying to figure out stupid commie names and why someone is forgetting about Molly fuckin Ringworm at home. So da net time give him some meat that he can get his teeth into. Your friend – Tiny

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So….. you’re Joe?
    I can tell you loved this film. It must have been nominated for something?
    If we’re lucky, maybe it will be like the tapes in”Mission Impossible” and self destruct in 10 seconds.
    I only hope K & K left their hats on! (Was just over to Dale’s aka Thunder!)

    Liked by 1 person

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