Heroes Of The Week! (Lampoon Edition)

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This has been the year of living dangerously, and we’re only at halftime. So I thought you kids might appreciate a variant on the tried and true Friday episode. So Imma kick it up with satire, because it’s my middle name. Maybe not my mama given one, but hey . . it still counts.

And now for our . . . umm . . . heroes?

Workers repair the cracked glass panel on Gatlinburg's SkyBridge on Tuesday morning.

Clueless Joe- As I mentioned in my last post, I’m not missing sports all that much. It would be nice to catch an occasional game or have something to talk about . . but the diversion was answered with a Johnny Come Lately of new kid in town alternatives. And besides, you know what I really don’t miss? Fans. Because more often than not, they’re doing stupid shit. And so of course we had an example come to us from Gatlinburg, Tennessee this week . . and he’s a baseball fan.

I’m guessing he’s a baseball fan by the slide he attempted into home plate. Which may or may not have been Soto, but for the fact he wasn’t on a baseball diamond when he did it . . . he was on a glass sky-bridge. Because I don’t know about you but I always wanted to throw my body onto a piece of glass that sits a hundred and fifty feet above the ground. So of course the slide cracked a glass panel and the bridge was closed for repairs as a result.

If this schmo had been a football fan, the Darwin Awards would have been crowning another champion right about now.

Mannequins are placed in spectator seats to cheer South Korea's football club FC Seoul team during a match against Gwangju FC, which is held without fans due to the coronavirus disease

Take me out to the Doll Game- The next story is a month old, but it’s the gift that keeps on, uh . . . giving.

The South Korean soccer team- FC Seoul- was issued a red card in the form of an $81,000 fine for filling their fan-less stadium with sex dolls rather than mannequins. Sex doll , social media users noticed the substitutions, after which the team claimed it was all a “big mix up”. The team’s soccer league responded by claiming the team “could have easily recognized their use using common sense and experience”. And I really wish the team would have responded to the league’s statement but I guess it would have been too easy.

Reports that thousands of single guys converged on the stadium upon hearing about the fans in attendance could not be confirmed . . .

Cruz engages in flame war with 'Hellboy,' in tweetstorm that ...

Ted and Hellboy’s Excellent Adventure- Remember the good old days when the idea of Ted Cruz in the Oval Office was the most frightening prospect imaginable? Yeah, I know the current occupant makes it difficult to remember much of anything, but rest assured that Ted is always happy to remind us.

Senator Seuss decided he was going to chirp in on a Twitter battle between a Florida congressman and actor Ron Perlman. Predictably, the shit got stupid

“Listen Hellboy,” Cruz wrote, “You talk good game when you’ve got Hollywood makeup & stuntmen. But I’ll bet $10k – to the nonpolitical charity of your choice – that you couldn’t last 5 min in the wrestling ring w/@Jim_Jordan w/o getting pinned. You up for it? Or does your publicist say too risky?”

That would be the same Jim Jordan who has been accused of covering up sexual misconduct allegations against Ohio State wrestling team physician Richard Strauss while serving as the assistant wrestling coach for the Buckeyes back in the nineties. The fact that Jordan is a U.S. Representative for Ohio’s 4th congressional district these days is not a shocker. Neither is the idea that Cruz would tag team Perlman by referencing a guy who was involved in a scandal involving sexual misconduct.

The two went back and forth before the former Beauty and the Beast star pinned Cruz down by telling him to leave Jordan home and include McConnell in the steel cage match instead. “All we need is a time, place and a few EMT’s standing by . . .” He tweeted.

Hey, what’s Perlman doing in November?

(If you’ve got a minute, read this piece by Gene Collier of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette.)

Two things about the video above, and I’m really kinda serious. For one, why isn’t this a sport? I would definitely watch it on TV for a good three to five minutes. And for another thing . . . the world record is sixteen ping pong balls bounced into a pint glass in one minute. I think I could do this.

Hell, it’s as close as I’m ever going to get to challenging a world record, so there’s that.

Conversely, here’s a world record I have absolutely no chance of breaking . . .

Daniel Thorson outside the cabin where he just finished a 75-day silent meditation retreat at the Monastic Academy in Lowell, Vt.

In my best for last, Daniel Thorson gets the Capo di tutti Capper slot this week for doing absolutely nothing and being oblivious to what is going on in the world. And no, he ain’t running for office . . .

Thorson decided to go all Walden Pond on the world back in March by venturing up to a remote Cabin in Vermont for seventy five days. During which time the world was placed under house arrest, toilet paper replaced gold and platinum and face coverings became haute stuff.

When he made his way back to civilization on May 23rd, he took to Twitter with a query that has become a charmingly inimitable punchline for his friends and family.

“Did I miss anything?”

I know there are those among us (yours truly) who envy his blissful ignorance of our COVID-19 encrusted world. Because it speaks to the peace of mind that was ripped away from us all the way back there. After which the universe got busy reminding us that the the simplest conclusions are oftentimes turned into monolithic equations. And so yanno, taking a deep breath and just being? It’s a priceless commodity.

To borrow from the rock band Sublime, I don’t practice Buddhism and I ain’t got no crystal ball, but if I had a million dollars, I might just spend it all on the rent up at Thorson’s cabin. Tucked into the deep embrace of a Vermont landscape where the amenities possess that thing we need most of all right now.

Peace.

 

65 thoughts on “Heroes Of The Week! (Lampoon Edition)

  1. B,

    Oh yeah! This was excellent timing to go the Lampoon Edition!

    FFS… What a putz! Maybe Clueless Joe thought the warning sign before crossing the bridge were mere guidelines? He’s lucky he just cracked it and didn’t fall through…

    Buahahaha!!! Sex dolls! I’m crying. “Big mix up” my ass…. er… their. … never mind.

    Ron Perlman is 70? Cruz is cray-cray. The article was too funny. I’m with Gene – there’s a way to render Congress interesting… I like his choice of celebrities 🙂

    I’ll tell you what. I got the ping pong balls and the glass… You bring the refreshments. We are ON!

    No. balancing eggs ain’t something I am even going to consider trying.

    As for Thorson… I love this! What a thing to come out of the woods to! I would love to disappear into his cabin for a good three months, myself. Like you said, our peace of mind has been ripped out of us – time to pick up the pieces of it and put it back together.

    Perfect choice of video that I had to watch in its entirety because I can’t remember the last time I saw it. They must have had so much fun making it.

    Excellent and fun, B.

    Q

    Liked by 2 people

    • Q

      I figured it was time to lampoon the SOB and not be quite so serious about things. Personally speaking. I realize the world is gonna keep on keeping on with more serious minded business, but I wanted my corner to have some fun this week.

      There are three levels of glass surface so he wouldn’t have been in any real danger. Which I guess is a good thing?

      Those sex dolls should be sold to the Tampa Bay Rays, seeing as how they couldn’t fill their joint if they gave tickets away.

      I could not believe Perlman was 70. You remember him from Beauty and the Beast and I remember him from Sons of Anarchy. As for Cruz, he’s just plain anarchy.

      We drink first. And then intermittently. And then last. And so when I don’t come anywhere close to breaking the world record . . . ain’t anybody gonna care!

      I can’t balance ONE egg . . .

      What a gift the kid was given, to be able to spend that time away from everything. It must have been an amazing release and I truly envy that. Given the state of the world, I especially envy that right now.

      I love the Foo Fighters. Unlike some musical artists . . . ahem Dave Matthews . . they never behaved as if they were splitting the atom, yanno? It was music, it was great music and most of all it was fun.

      Thank ya Q . . . thank ya very much . . .

      B

      Liked by 2 people

      • I think you were right. There is way too much seriousness (while there is still way too much stupidity) so yes, a great time to bring on the fun.

        I guess it’s a good thing… He’s a dumbass, didn’t have to be a dead ass.

        Hahaha! At least the stands would look quasi-full.

        He’s in fine form for 70. He was a great beast. Cruz is a cretin.

        I’m jiggy wit dat proposition…

        Neither can I (nor would I feel inclined to try)

        Seriously. I can’t even imagine such a release as that. And yeah, given what’s going on, I’d be down with getting away from it all.

        They are great and fun! Hah! I, unlike you, have no problem with Dave Matthews – mainly coz I’m not all that familiar with his music.

        You know it!

        Liked by 1 person

    • De nada, RW.

      I forgot to try the egg balancing thing after the martini. Imagine that!

      My secret power used to be that I could dunk a basketball. Now it’s that I can cut my own hair. Hey, it’s something.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Marco,

    So if you try to stack eggs and they fall and crack up, I guess that means the yolk’s on you. (someone had to say it, right?) Lame puns aside with a shmear, thanks for the satire this week. Would love to go to Walden Pond myself and make all the mishegoss go away.

    Shalom where there ain’t any,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Great piece, Marc. Made me laugh. Wee side note to the South Korean sex dolls. A German football team allowed fans to have cardboard cut-outs of themselves at games, charged a fee and gave money to crisis charities. Good solution. Next up, 60,000 versions of me at Celtic Park…cheers!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Poor Ted…seems like he was born with a pile of manure in his mouth. [where’s Ann Richards when we need her?] As for that schmuck who slid into the glass panel, I hope they track him down and present him with a nice invoice to repay the citizens of TN. Where do these people come from? Darwin indeed.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. (Not) sorry to be in absentia (or is that non compos mentis?) from your comments section for a while. In my defense, I kinda stopped reading blogs. No particular reason, but just so you don’t feel singled out. Well, I did begin a job, start watching the last week of the Tour de France, moved, and keep doing my 110-40 miles per week biking (slowly), daily walks, yoga and writing blog and editing book. Guess that was ‘splainin’ and being sorry anyway, so never mind. But the love is always there even if I’m not, just know that.

    Anyhoo, the PG article had this priceless word combo: “one of the president’s most obsequious lickspittles, “Being from and currently still in Texass, as everyone keeps telling me, all the live long day, I can genuinely comment that Ted Cruz is well disliked by many people.” I would LOVE to see a SWE with him getting bodyslammed by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. So, great post, and keep on doing that voodoo that you do so well.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Dude. What the hell? Clueless Joe jeeez he’s probably like I kind of read the sign but didn’t think it applied to me. And Cruz? People voted for this douche and that pedophile cover upper Jordan. That’s their guy? So underwhelming to be part of that disappointing group of supporters. I’d take that bet I’ve seen Ron. The Korean baseball team just cracked me up. Misunderstanding is an interesting word for that. Did I miss anything? Ha 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Clueless Joe should definitely be banished from that place for good. Just saying.

      Cruz parades around like he’s John Wayne, but he’s such a lame ass when it comes to the important business. And yeah, how is it possible that Jordan scored that seat?

      And there is no truth to the rumor that the Korean team members each got to take a fan home . . .

      Did I miss anything? Buahahaha! I envy that dude!

      Liked by 1 person

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