Sorryless Letters

Dear Sorryless,

I used to be the life of the party until this virus changed everything. Now, nobody seems to want anything to do with me. What gives?

Signed,

Depressed in D.C.

Mr Trump, just do what you always do. Inflate the numbers and conveniently ignore the facts. 

 

Dear Sorryless, 

Am I really as perfect as I think I am? 

Signed, 

Little Miss (Yes!) Perfect

Dear Miss Ripa, 

I’m not sure what world you’re living in, but umm . . . you probably want to stay there. 

 

Dear Sorryless, 

I can’t seem to do anything right! My bosses pull me in one direction while my employees pull me in the other, and everyone else just thinks I’m a talking head. And my dog isn’t even talking to me right now . . .

Signed,

Unsafe at Home

Dear Mr Manfred,

Being the MLB Commish means never having to say you’re sorry. You followed a guy in Bud Selig who pretended that sluggers were getting stronger on fairy dust. And then he followed that up with that “gift for the fans” that keeps on giving in inter-league play. Which is really a gift to the owners, since they get to charge premium prices for regular season games. If you ask me, you’re simply following in his dubious footsteps . . overlooking the pinball game that MLB has become whilst never minding the fans who ain’t getting refunds for the games that were never played. And now you’re pushing through a sixty game season, which would make Joe Dimaggio crap in his dead pants. Yanno what? Give yourself a raise. 

 

Dear Sorryless, 

I feel as if I am trapped inside the Rockwell song “Somebody’s Watching Me”, and when I tell anyone about it, they just shrug it off and tell me it’s all in my head. I know I’m not paranoid, but how can I prove it to everyone else? 

Signed,

Holed up in the Hills

Dear Mr Phoenix, 

Are you aware that some of the most brilliant minds in the history of the world were . . how do I put this gently? Bat shit crazy? Also, not for nothing but you really shouldn’t be eating mayo sandwiches at three in the morning. 

 

Dear Sorryless, 

What in the blessed fuck is up with people? Is it a lot to ask that you wear a fucking mask when you go out in public? For fuck’s sake, I have to wear a glorified house dress all the time . . and you don’t hear ME bitching about it!

Signed, 

Riled up in Rome

Dear Pope Francis, 

I know, right? I guess they really don’t think there’s gonna be a second wave (Already happening) and a third . . . and who knows what after that. But on the positive side of the equation, I don’t have to fake a smile these days.

Hey, it’s something!

 

 

 

 

61 thoughts on “Sorryless Letters

  1. B,

    Oh. Em. Gee. Thank you so much for the laughs today! You chose the perfect peeps to write in and your responses were more than bang on.

    You are certifiable, you know that? One of the reasons you are so lovable!

    Q

    Liked by 2 people

    • Q

      I couldn’t really think of the current names in the news so I went with the easy peasy.

      Except for Ripa. I don’t think she’s in the news these days. As much as she really thinks she is. Which makes me wonder how it is that she didn’t get a Cabinet spot in the current administration.

      Oh, I know I am. Right there with Joaquin. And hey, we both dig mayo sammies . . .

      Lovable? I’ll take that. 😉

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • It was a smart move, far as I am concerned!

        Ripa was easy peasy for shizzle. You know? I wonder why she didn’t.

        The Pope was was blessedly hilarious.

        And I think we all need a little Joaquin. no?

        You are more than that and you know it… but I’ll keep it on the down low – your rep and all that…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re the only person I know who can Ann Landers and Christopher Hitchens to shame. Well done, sir. John is right…the Pope letter was brilliant. Bonus points for not going off on “Depressed in DC” (despite the fact he deserves it) and telling him no one gives a rat’s hat about his bad self.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Ummm … I’ve never understood her appeal. The wife occasionally watches her show. Ripa and Seacrest together are like … when Colgate and Crest have children.

        Can’t stand watching them and the two of them together are like an exponential multiplication of the yuck factor.

        Liked by 1 person

        • She did the unthinkable. She made people kind of miss Kathie Lee.

          When Michael Strahan, Ripa was out of her mind angry that he wanted something more than to sit beside her and listen to her drone on about her kids and her husband. The nerve of that guy! To want to be anywhere else!

          Colgate and Crest having children . . buahahaha!

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha! This was so good. I’m enjoying this format in case you want to post another 🙂 duuuuuude that Ripa chick is like nails on a chalkboard. Ugh. I don’t know why people tune in so you’re on point with that one and Manfred. But my favorite is the Pope! That was great.

    Liked by 2 people

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