Hello Dear,
I have contacted you before but you did not respond to me. My name is Lucy Woolf. I attend university and I do part time work as a dressmaker. I lost my father in an auto accident prompting my mother’s death because of it.
My Father, Jacobs Woolf, willed me a large portion of his real estate holdings and income properties valued at £5,700,000 Pounds Sterling. I have yet to place a claim on it but right now things are not good and I’d like to have it. My Father’s stipulation was that I was either 30 years of age or married.
(Allowing my Husband to be in control). I am 26 so only my husband can make a claim on my behalf. I’d like to offer you the opportunity to stand in as my Husband and will share it for your assistance. Your interest will be properly protected.
Thanks.
Lucy Woolf
Dear Lucy,
We have known each other many years, but this is the first time you’ve come to me for counsel or for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And you feared to be in my debt.
Okay, I’ll ditch the Don Corleone preamble- God rest his soul- since you have no blessed idea what I’m referencing. But that’s the point. You’re trying to guilt me into a sick and twisted affair involving dirty money . . . and don’t get me wrong, I find that part of the equation extremely hot. But you don’t even know me, as evidenced by this idea that I would want to get married. Even for fun. Listen, I’m sorry to hear about your father’s untimely death. And not that I’m comparing, but your mother’s death is even more tragic, seeing as how she could’ve been partying in Rio right about now. But I digress . . .
Your offer leaves me with so many questions and no good answers. If I was in the mood for that shit, I would just watch Fox News. So I gotta ask, was your father a Scientologist? Was your mother’s death ‘prompted’ by maybe . . your father running her over with his car? And do you think maybe your husband is just low key looking for a third in the bedroom?
These questions may seem unrelated, and that’s because they are. But should you be able to respond to them with deep, dark, and diabolically illuminating answers that impugn their reputations, well . . it would definitely make you more trustworthy in my eyes is what I’m saying. After which I will have a few followup questions to which you must reply over steaks and martinis, with you and your hubcap picking up the tab.
I must let you know that I will only consider this indecent proposal if I get a third of the silver. In a treasure chest. extracted from the Titanic by John Cameron. And you will borrow from your own share to purchase me a Bengal tiger. These are magnificent creatures whose savage instincts I do not wish to marginalize in the least, so I will also be requesting the services of Kelly Ripa to serve as the official walker.
Listen, I realize my demands might be construed as unreasonable, but I learned a long time ago never to negotiate with terrorists. Mister Rogers taught me that. So tell that six feet worth of wood paneling that you call a husband to hit the bricks so you can do Rio in your mother’s honor with half the silver. And you’re welcome.
Tata till tee time!
Sean Roberts
B,
How could you truly refuse such an offer? I mean,get yourself a prenup, stay married for what? Maybe a year and then go get the lot….
Of course, for all you know, Lucy could be a Vera look-alike… No? Guess not then.
Perfect tune!
Q
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Q
A boy has to do his due diligence, yanno. I come from the school of “Trust, but Verify”, so there’s that.
That should be the first clue that you’re headed down the wrong path. If you need the prenup . . .
I’m guessing not like Vera at all. I mean, Kate Beckinsale would most definitely suffice, but nope . . not even.
Britney got called into the principal’s office for this one. 😉
B
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This is true. And very wise of you.
Well no. You know it’s a deal to be brokered so…why not protect your new “assets”…
Yeah, I’m guessing not even Kate. At best, maybe closer to… Nah.
That she did! 😉
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Hey, just the idea that they MIGHT see it and be like “What in the blessed fuck?” is plenty good enough for me.
Ah yes, those assets. The ones I will never procure since the silver is actually aluminum foil. So really, I’m doing the Lord’s work here.
Ernest Borgnine. Just say it . . I know you were thinking it, because so was I!
😉
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Yes. Could you imagine?
Of course. But this whole scenario is just hearsay anyway. You are definitely doing good work.
Hahaha! I think you’re more generous than I!
😉
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I like to.
Oh me God, that’s a HUGE statement!
Thanks Ginger! 😉
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I know you do.
Ain’t it though?
You know it, H! 😉
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Hahaha!
Well played. 😉
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😉
You don’t keep me around for nuthin’ 😉
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😉
You cheeky thang, you.
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😊
Heard through the grapevine you like cheeky.
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That grapevine has a big mout! 😉
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Hmmm I won’t tell anyone…😉
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You promise?
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I promise.
And more.
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Oooooh yeah!
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😊
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😘
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😘
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This is brilliant, Marc. Really made me laugh. Love the Godfather patter at the start – Look what they did to my boy…hang on, that comes later…. Cheered me right up, Thanks my man!
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Bwahahaha! I can envision Miss Lucy scratching her head and looking most confused. Daft cow.
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I doubt I’m going to receive a reply.So far, I am one for oh . . sixty five? LOL
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It is so delish to “play” with them though, isn’t it?
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It really is.
My Spam fix came from the days when telemarketers would call me in the middle of whatever I was doing. Instead of getting pissed, I decided to have a little fun with them by seeing how long I could keep them on the phone. Of course, this meant a lot of “Oh hey, my corn row specialist just arrived, I’m gonna put you on hold for just a second, but don’t you go anywhere because I really love your voice,” Buahahaha!
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Love it 😈
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Those peeps would call in the evening, and Lord help them on those nights when I had an adult beverage going on. Dammit, I should have recorded them!
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Loved this, 🙂
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Gracias Holly. It’s not your beautiful prose, but there is a certain heavy metal quality to mine, don’t you think?
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Most definitely. Your musical selection was perfect for this one B.
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I mean, Britney comes through. Who. Would. Have. Thunk?
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Love this song!
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It was between this and “Oops”.
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Lol!
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I once attached “Work Bitch” to a post just because I loved it. True story.
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Nothing wrong with that! 😐
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Dear Mr. Roberts,
What a wise fellow you are to evade such unKosher Spam. I wish someone had warned me before I sent money overseas when my granddaughter was stranded in Bulgaria after her luggage was stolen along with her identity. How grateful I am that a nine-year-old could tell Taiwanese Consulate where to find her grandmother in the Midwest. I wonder what her parents were thinking in L.A.? At any rate, what a resourceful child.
Thank you for sharing this cautionary tale written in the true spirit of P.T. Barnum.
Shalom,
Glenda the Good Witch of the North
42 West East Street
Over The Rainbowville, OZ 12345 -6789
(Seriously a brilliantly fun read).
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Rochelle,
I’ve been writing to Spammers since I don’t remember when. I’ve thus far received exactly one reply, and that one was so damned anti-climactic.
That IS a resourceful kid!
Why thank you. I like to think old Barnum would’ve gone into comedy today, seeing as how the circus has been closed.
Shalom,
Clever, cheeky girl
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👍😉
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Haha! Thanks LA.
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All I can say is this is laugh out loud funny. Loved the godfather beginning and the demands for performance. Is there any way we could get Kelly Ripa to walk that tiger even if the deal falls through?
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Thank you Sheriff. Hey, the Don is never a bad idea as far as I’m concerned. I’ve actually used him to help me out of a few situations in the past.
I’ve been in touch with Kelly’s people and they are ALL for it!
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😁
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Much obliged, Sheriff
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You’re turning down Lucy? And millions of dollars that you would get to control? Jeez, you’ve got a spine of steel.
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I can’t help thinking she’s selling me a bill of goods. Maybe it was the dressmaker gig, or the fact she says she’s going to university. Not trusting it . . .
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Ha! I remember these! They were always so fun to read. Love the responses. A Bengal Tiger. If she comes up with one the for sure you gotta walk yourself to the courthouse and sign in the dotted line. I mean she went to the university after all. But my favorite was invoking the power of Mr. Rogers. Thanks for making me laugh after a bad phone call. Looking for a way to smile and I found it. Now I can get to writing.
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A Bengal tiger is the LEAST she can do. I mean, I’m putting myself out here!
Yeah, the university is a clincher for me. Sooooo sophisticated.
And yes, because Mr Rogers knew his shit. And he never had to tell us he knew his shit, because it was evident.
Chin up girl. And keep writing.
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Mr. Rogers. Ha! That’s so funny. I use to watch him alllll the time, that and The Electric Company
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YES! Me too. And I also watched the Brady Bunch and Scooby Doo. But the Electric Company was some funky cool stuff, wasn’t it?
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Dude. Yes!
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And remember Saturday mornings were the only day when you could load up on cartoons? It was from early morning until around 11 or 12. And that was basically it for the week.
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Dude! Yes! I remember waking up early to see Wacky Races, Felix the Cat, ThunderCats and all that wonderful stuff. And I was like this is THE best and then nothing all week
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Felix the Cat, the wonderful wonderful cat!
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Once again, more evidence that you are King of the Spam Repliers. A lot of chuckles – but I imagine Lucy may be seeking counseling for trauma endured due to the rejection. Thanks for the hot young Brittany.
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You gotta have fun with these. I only wish I had recorded some of my goings on with telemarketers from back in the day. Good times.
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Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
As far as the vid/song goes… I really like it, but maybe I’ll just go with an all out spanking, and get it over with!
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Naughty, naughty girl!
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Brilliant and spot on! I think she’s gonna find a way to accommodate you – how could she refuse?
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Far be it from me to try and figure out what she’s thinking. I mean . . it’s been over a week and nothing! I’ve been stood up! (The kids call it ghosted but I think that term is silly).
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