(The following situation is real, but I changed the names)
I first met Lee in 1972 – probably somewhere between January and April of my freshman year in college. Lee was visiting my dorm neighbor and friend, Rob from his hometown. Lee, a year older than Rob and me, was about to finish his Associate Degree at a community college, so he was looking for a place to continue his education and earn his Bachelor’s Degree. He joined us in September 1972, which would start a long friendship between us.
Upon graduation, he returned to northeast Ohio, and I landed in southwest Ohio – but we stayed in touch. Not many years later, he came to the Cincinnati area looking for a new job. We lived on opposite sides of the metropolitan area, but we stayed in contact by phone with frequent conversations.
Lee is a kind man – not one to get in trouble. Describing him as “straight-laced” may be an understatement – family-man, religious, no alcohol, a non-smoker, empathetic in his way, and willing to help others in his circle. He’s stubborn and opinionated. His voice resonates with confidence and being knowledgeable, which also means he provides ample opportunities to discover that if bullshit was music, he would be a one-man symphony orchestra.
Besides personal character, interest in sports and politics served as a bonding agent. Both of us love baseball and its rich history. Who knows how many trivia questions about the national pastime we’ve bounced off each other – or the countless conversations about recent great plays we saw on ESPN Sportscenter.
On the other hand, we have sports-related differences. Through good times and bad times, I am loyal to my teams – whereas Lee switches allegiances based on his conveniences. He’s also quite the homer. Every autumn he would ask who I wanted to win baseball’s World Series, and I would always answer, the Reds. He would remind me the Reds aren’t in the series, so I would remind him then I didn’t care. In time, he stopped asking.
Sports, politics, and no matter the topic, his opinionated nature allows him to make ridiculous statements. Sharing them here is not the point. Lee makes so many predictions that even one of his family members refers to him as a “Shotgun Nostadamas” who hopes one comes true so he can boast.
Almost 50 years of friendship is odd for us because of our differences. I grew up in a rural area – he, in a metropolitan suburb. I grew up in a multi-national family – he, in a traditional white American family.
I, a traveler – he, a homebody. I, a doer of a variety of entertainment activities and interests outside the home – he, still a homebody. He has two kids – I have none.
I raised a Catholic now a Lutheran – he, a Southern Baptist. I, with a science background and one who understands what science is and how it works – he, a cafeteria scientist who picks and chooses what he believes primarily based on his religious and political views.
We have had our share of good discussions about current events through the years. Politically, sometimes we were on the same side of issues – other times not. There is no question in my mind that every person’s view evolves. When we met in college, we were both Democrats – but of different forms. Today, neither one of us identifies with the Dems, but we are far apart. I, an authentic moderate independent – he, a consumer of the party Kool-Aid and a Trump apologist. I call him a political hack.
I, a believer in the potential of oneness that humanity can be and that the majority of people in the world are good – he, unquestionably the most racist person I know regarding skin color, religion, nationality, and sexual orientation.
Being a reflective type, I will also point the finger at myself for part of the blame for my current feeling. While I would challenge him on sports and political issues, I very seldom challenged him on his prejudices regarding people. Looking back, I regret that choice.
With head-on issues such as President Trump’s actions and divisive nature, George Floyd and social justice, COVID-19’s multitude of impacts, an election year, and more, life today is challenging.
I haven’t talked to Lee in several months and a future conversation is not on my radar. I’ve deleted his name from my Contacts list – but I know his number – and no, I haven’t blocked him.
He texted me recently, but I ignored/did not answer because I saw it as one of his stupid sports statements. But what will I do if he calls or texts again? Time will tell.
The bottom line is simple. Is he a person that I want to associate with these days? Is the situation worth ending a 48-year friendship? For me, the answers are simple because they revolve around the fact that Lee is a science-denying self-proclaimed know-it-all who is a Trump apologist and arrogant bigot. Besides, I have enough divisiveness in my life because we live in challenging times – but challenging times require challenging decisions to do the right thing.
Hey there Frank!
Fancy meeting you here!
That could not have been an easy decision to make. I don’t know if it would have been better to discuss his core beliefs – racism, etc. earlier in your friendship. I think it would have lasted a lot less than 48 years. And, as you say, there were lots of good discussions over the years.
A nice reflective piece on your personal growth and how some things (people) no longer fit on our path.
Dale
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Dale,
Greetings … and to think I was just thinking about you.
I agree – Challenging racism years ago wouldn’t have gone anyway positive – and if anything, applied the wedge earlier. These days, I must do what I must do.
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Is that so? Now I’m curious! 😉
I truly believe things happen when they should. Maybe he served a purpose over the years and now that you’ve gotten all you can the rest doesn’t fit. And that’s okay. I hope you are at peace with your choice.
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Yes … At peace but also bothered and sad … However, the right thing to do.
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I completely understand. It’s not easy to say goodbye. But you must feel a tad lighter having done so.
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Hey Frank – I too have got to the point with the few of my “friends” who are Trump supporters where I simply don’t want anything to do with them. You’ll be better off with Lee’s brand of arrogant buffoonery.
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Mark,
Challenges are quite apparent these days. I would think that the other side is a perspective to consider. But I have a question for you. In your last sentence, you wrote “with” …. did you mean “without” or is “with” correct?
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Sigh … that should have said “without.”
I have always believed that it is important to consider all perspectives. It is why I read right-wing bloggers and posts and articles from progressives who are too far to the left for me. It is also why the best conversations are those with people with different opinions/perspectives. But I have simply lost my patience with those who support Trump in their non-fact-based view. They state an opinion, I point out how factually the opinion doesn’t make any sense and their response is invariably, “it doesn’t matter, I have a right to believe what I want to believe.” And I just cannot accept or deal with that.
The latest example is an exchange on Facebook … a friend said that Biden-Harris are in favor of defunding the police and want to confiscate everybody’s guns. I pointed out that those two “beliefs” are factually incorrect and provided him with links to summaries of Biden-Harris’ positions on those two issues. I asked him to state specifically what in those summaries he would disagree with. He refused to do so and just kept saying that he has a right to his opinion. That’s what I can’t deal with. Have an opinion, let’s discuss and share our opinions, but when you are stating an opinion based on “facts” that are simply not true … I just can’t anymore.
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Mark,
Thanks for the clarification. I thought you meant “without” but thought it would be best to seek clarification.
Great examples. Agree – to them, facts are the same as opinions. In their mind, just because they believe it, it must be true. Toss in the fact that many rely on Limbaugh, Hannity, etc for the news source, “Houston, we have a problem.”
Meanwhile, I live in a heavily GOP area – so I’m constantly avoiding discussions. … so I applaud your efforts!
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I live in a very blue area, so these conversations are harder and harder to find. And very few of them are with people willing or able to have an honest discussion.
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Too many people can’t discuss beyond repeating talking points.
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Yep. That last interaction I had on FB was just a bunch of Fox News-tested buzz phrases.
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Yep … and those conversations are going nowhere.
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Hail Midget!
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A piece of me can agree with your point of avoidance, yet another is sad about a 40+year friendship ending. Yes, I think you should own up to (as you have) not telling your friend early on about your lack of tolerance for his view of others. Do you know for a fact that you would be incapable of changing his point of view now? If so your walk away makes perfect sense. If not, to use your words, “challenging times require challenging decisions to do the right thing.” The right thing may be to tell your friend why you are no longer interested in talking to him. Who knows you might be a catalyst for change. Thanks for sharing, Frank.
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John,
Thanks for your thoughts. When I first drafted this post, I quickly realized I put everything on him – therefore felt I had to own up to my role. Thanks for recognizing it.
I say with a high degree of confidence that his mind won’t change. He’s fairly entrenched with who he is. I hear you about him hearing my thoughts could change his mind, but I believe odds of that are slim. Who knows – maybe I’ll get the chance and try it. Thanks for getting me to think about it.
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When you get my age, Frank friends drop like flies and I would hate for you to have a should a could a moment. You have to d what you feel is right and I support that idea.
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I know him well … therefore I know that in general, he’s not very reflective.
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😊
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You are in a tough position. Lee is still the man he has always been but Trump brings out the worst in people. That man is dividing a once great nation.
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Quiall,
Lee has been relatively consistent through the years on numerous things – yet yes, these times have amplified the negatives. I don’t feel good about the situation, but dealing with it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Thanks for reading and sharing.
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Amen!
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Yet another sad impact of our times, but one I totally understand, Frank. I’m finding myself making the same analyses and decisions, much more frequently lately.
A firm believer that we are who we associate with, and that those associates give others a window into our world and our beliefs, I always ask myself if a particular friend/association is bringing something to my table that I’m proud to have there. They may have at one time, but most of us evolve and grow and when we do, it’s natural to leave behind those who aren’t contributing to the potluck. That’s what I see happening in our culture today, highlighted and exacerbated by Trumpism: many of us are growing and evolving, embracing change toward a more just and fair world, while others are demanding that things remain in some mythical, mystical idealized “past.” I no longer have the energy or patience to keep those people anywhere in my life, let alone invite them to my table.
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Rebecca,
Thanks for your input … and I related with so much that you mentioned because he seem to have parallel belief systems. Regarding Lee, I think that if I don’t want to hear something stupid or irritating, don’t give him a chance to talk. It’s very sad, but I’m facing the challenge of doing what I feel is right.
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Cincy
I think we somehow look at friendships differently than other relationships, where an end doesn’t surprise us. With friendships, we tend to believe it’s a life long deal when it’s really not. If anything, I think this keeps us in it even when it’s painfully clear that both people have changed and the change has become a canyon.
It’s not a bad thing to end a friendship that is clearly not working. Just remember it wasn’t always that way and appreciate what you had.
Well penned, Frank.
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Marc,
Excellent food to ponder. Although I see this friendship as either over or on-hold, by no means do I regret it … so I am appreciate of the past. 🙂
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Approaching him from a reasonable POV is the sensible way of going about this, from your vantage point. But you’re taking into account how long you’ve been friends. He’s probably not doing the same if he feels the need to muscle his opinions upon others.
Appreciation for what you had is most important. Always.
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He is who he is, plus he’s convinced that he’s right. I’ll put it this one – I know that one of his sons has a difficult time talking to him. Meanwhile, I like Susannah’s descriptive verb – scooching away.
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That’s the problem, there is no talking to that kind of mindset. They’re set in stone. My father is that way.
Yes! Scooch . . and keep scooching.
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Yep
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Sad
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I’ll start with the gravy…love the line…. baseball and its rich history. Love you saying you want the Reds to win even if they’re not playing. Got a big chuckle outta that.
Now, I so get having somebody like Lee, a loud shrill Trumpet since, that seems to be one of the traits of being one, and I chant this to myself, more frequently that I can say…we can agree to disagree, since Dems and Indys tend to have more grace to them when it comes to political manners. I don’t blame you though for scooching the other way…it’s hard and just a little fascinating that the Lees of the world are so hypnotized. It’s also hard making friends as you get older…your tolerance sure ain’t what it used to be, I know. Loved the flow of the essay. Welcome back. 🙂
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Susannah,
“Scooching the other way” is perfect because to my it implies grace and tolerance. Meanwhile, thanks for the kind words and support.
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You’re a wonderful writer Frank, remember that. 🙂
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Thank you, SB.
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It’s important to be reminded of our gifts, every once in a while. Her 2 cents 🙂
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I appreciate this very much. 😊 Thank you!
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Yet another home run, Frank! The loss of a once-valued friendship can be quite sad, yet I suspect the loss is reaffirming in the decision to let this one go. Those of us in the privileged cohort of humans are beginning to take a good close look at what’s been playing out these days. It should feel good making peace with it despite some losses.
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Monika,
Your words point out the complex and the double-edged sword …. sad but reaffirming … a loss but peacefull Simply well stated.
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We’ve all encountered a few “Lee’s” in our lifetimes. It sounds like you were more than hopeful and patient.
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Yes – but as I said in the post, I regret not saying something earlier.
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Fancy meeting you here indeed, right here at Marks, B’s, Dale’s…I don’t know! Ironically another blogger fiend (friend) of mine was just telling me she is finding it very hard to remain friends with her Trump-er friends. After thinking about it, I realized it is happening to me as well. There is such divisiveness being fomented by Trump that my once closest friends who tell me they are behind him all the way turn my stomach. It’s a sad situation we are in. Hoping for brighter days and its’ so good to read you again. Hi Mark.
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Holly,
Thanks for bopping over here. If all goes as planned, I’ve have another post here this Sunday morning.
Also thanks for sharing your experience with friends regarding during these crazy times. So it’s not just me! Whew … but still unfortunate. I still haven’t talked to him in several months (very unusual) … my tactic is simple – If I don’t want to hear anything that I consider stupid, don’t give that person any chance to talk. He sent me a text, which I didn’t respond because it was in the stupid category. He also sent an email (on another matter), and I chose not to respond. He’s probably starting to figure it out.
Meanwhile, great interacting with you – hope to see you again here on Sunday.
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It is a pity but it’s hard to maintain respect for folks that seem completely brainwashed. I will be back on Sunday for sure. Read you then. 😊
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Sad … very sad …. but the right thing for me. See you Sunday. 🙂
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Same here. See you Sunday Frank .
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