Play It Again, Spam

Hello,

I have a personal Project in which i need your assistance I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction worth (Twenty seven million United States Dollars)
If interested, reply immediately for detailed information.

Regards,
Sgt.Genevieve Chase

Yo Gwen,

When a chica shoots me an email at one thirty in the morning about a “personal project”  . . . well, the mind wanders. And because you’re not content to make it easy on me, you add money to the mix and I realize how wrong I was to think I could outrun my days as a gigolo. But twenty seven million quesadillas is the kind of rate that would lock you into Brad Pitt on a retainer basis, for life. Back in the day, you could have scored me for a fraction of that price. Seriously, a hundred bucks and dinner at a steakhouse would’ve turned my trick. Okay, dinner at a steakhouse would’ve worked. Hell . . . a dive bar would’ve had me rappelling from the walls of a Holiday Inn. But I digress. 

If by “executing” this transaction you’re inferring that Imma be eating a piece of this ample pie, then I am all ears. But I do have a few conditions . . .

1- I get half of the twenty seven million US dollars. I ain’t in the mood for any last minute games where you go switching it out with bolivares, which is the global currency equivalent of pushpins. 

2- Send a private jet to pick me up. Fully loaded bar. 

3- Get me Bill Murray’s private cell, because that shit is priceless. 

4- My own Oreos cookie flavor- Marcoconut Creme. 

5- And one more thing. Don’t you contact me again, ever.  From now on, you deal with Turnbull. If you have any questions please direct them to Senator Patrick Geary of Nevada. Tell him Michael Corleone sent you. 

Ayt, that should about cover things for now. I’ll wait to hear from you, Sergeant. And please give Chevy my best. 

Hasta La Primavera, 

Julian Kaye

54 thoughts on “Play It Again, Spam

  1. B,

    I so love these responses of yours to the incessant Spam we receive. Yours is way more interesting than mine… Or maybe I’m just not paying attention 😉

    So, No Sergeant? All sorts of scenarios come to mind… A-ten- SHUN!

    And I think your conditions are very reasonable, considering the large sum at stake.

    Do keep us posted if her people contact your people, eh?

    And, uh, if this all goes through….. call me

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

  2. All considering, your five options are very reasonable – seemingly a win-win situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t contact you within the next 36 hours. After all, the time differences are a factor in the delay.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think so, Cincy. But yanno, there’s no talking sense to some people.

      So far bupkis, but I’m not surprised. They come in hot but cool off rather quickly. Sgt Chase, it would seem, is no different.

      Like

  3. Love the Blondie video. Makes me want to go swimming. Wait. Makes me want to watch others (who are blond) go swimming. I was having an old man hard candy and when reading your response to Chase I asperated it into the lung. I’m sure it will dissolve someday. Anyway, big laughs. I like your flavor of Oreo too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me too, I thought it was perfect. And now I want to watch Blondie swim . . . again!

      Sgt Chase probably asperated as well, if she even read this email . . which I am doubtful she did. How sad is that?

      I submitted my flavor proposal to the Oreos cookie people and I have a feeling they didn’t like it because they sent me a case of Hydrox.

      Liked by 1 person

        • Well I hate to use superlative terms for any writer – most and best – in my opinion can never apply to writing because it is so subjective and so varied – you know John ?
          And Marc is not everyone’s flavor – and he will likely be a bit different as he morphs this year and evolves – because wiroters also evolve in expression – word choice – content – and where they are at right now.

          And so Marc’s writing right now – does depict talent – just like thousands of authors I read – but what I like is the originality and his flair at this time – which can it be compared as better because it is just “his niche”
          So when I come to a heroes post or one of these humor pieces about the email spam…
          I know we have a seasoned writer who has oiled his flow – knows how to trim efficiently – and outs so much of his essence and wit into it – well it is refreshing
          Many times I miss some wit – or just don’t get a few points – or he leaves us wondering – like the Bill Murray connection being priceless – he hints at his personal heroes and doesn’t need to say why.
          Or I skim a few commments and see we readers had so many different takeaways – which is another good thing!
          And then I do like his mix of slang or colloquial speech – and not that all writers need to start using this shorthand or smashed up modern words – not at all because it might not work- instead – Marc uses these little terms at just the right time in a flowing piece of writing that fits his personal niche –
          And not too much to where the grammar side of me has a headache – never – but just enough to where I maybe feel a little more in touch with the pulse of current slang and bits of culture that trickles out. Marc also seems to write to share and connect and stir his readers – some authors are constantly publishing to elevate self or to get need fulfillment – not that it is always bad – it can just be a bit sophomoric and then can drain – but hey – authors that do that can write very collectible and classic pieces – I just tire of reading them…but Marc is this wordsmith artist that reminds me of painters who make pieces to put on display – we have the learning artists who make practice pieces or who spend years on a few pieces – and then we have mature artists who are able to make paintings that get “hung” and folks enjoy the artist’s mature expertise and the signature style that artist found – that is what Marx’s writing feels like to me
          Okay – just wanted to share that because while that was a nice comment from an established author like yourself MR Howell – I cringe when I read “most talented” – it really is subjective

          Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m clueless how such a vague come on would get a response at all, let alone one as tantalizing as yours. S/he should be thanking her/his lucky stars that you’re Willing to share such a unique cookie flavor – undoubtedly worth millions in itself. Let me know how the bankroll goes.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know how much I enjoy the Spam FiIes! I would love to hear about any replies you get back. Although I’m crossing my fingers for Murray’s cell phone. You can totally chitchat about Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, and Groundhog Day. That would be an epic interview. If I were in customer service and received one of your letters I’d put it up and create a Hall of Fame response board and pin it up there. Blondie. Classic! I listened to the Tide is High, making the playlist 🙂 good luck with your fully stocked jet plane 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Rochelle,

      A boy can dream, no?

      And you got me pegged! Yum!

      I just can’t. It goes all the way to my days running a business seven days a week. When I would get a pain in the ass telemarketer/vendor/solicitor . . . I would utilize this method. Not so nastily, but to the same effect. It let the steam off.

      Shalom,

      Marco(coconut)

      Liked by 1 person

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