Joe Pesci Review: Fargo

I like crime. Movies, in da movies. Yanno, my career is proof that crime pays . . . in da movies. So when Marco asked me if I would be innerested in doing a review of Fargo, I told the stuttering prick to kiss my ass. Of fucking course I would be innerested! And then I asked him what in the fuck Fargo was about. He says it’s one of the greatest movies, like ever. I betcha he’s one of dose guys who says every fucking thing is the best thing ever. But okay, I ain’t sleeping much so what the fuck.

Fifteen minutes into this shit pancake, I found something that puts me to sleep. I woke up just in time for the closing credits so I called Marco and asked him if he thought he was a wise guy. But the asshole insisted I go back and watch the rest of dis flick and if I made it to the end without trowing up my brain, he’d send me a bottle of Chivas. I told the cheap bastid if he made it a box, I was in. Deal.

So okay . . what inspired me to waste almost two hours of my life when I ain’t got two hours to waste? Other than Chivas? I have no idea. But I did it and lemme tell ya . . . I would rather have been given a Sriracha enema. There’s more action going on in a retirement community than there is in this movie, which is based on a true story. Which just goes to prove how boring life really is for most people.

Da plot goes like dis. Some asshole is trying to get out of debt so he arranges for his wife to be ‘kidnapped’ so that he can get his rich father in law to pay the ransom to cover his debt. My Uncle Sal tried that with my Aunt Rosemary . . we still laugh about it. So da plot as they say in da classy books, goes awry. During the exchange, the father in law gets shot by the fake kidnapper but he ends up shooting him in the face before croaking. So now the fake kidnapper has da money but he’s also got a hole in his face that napkins ain’t gonna fix.  And then he finds out that the asshole who planned the whole thing was trying to schtup him and his partner by lying about the ransom amount. Needless to say this changes everything.

Meanwhile, this pregnant chick who happens to be a cop is starting to figure out that the husband of this supposedly kidnapped woman is fulla shit. She’s by far the most inneresting character, because she’s still working even though she’s about ta go inta labor. And not only that, but she’s got a certain something about her that, God forgive me for saying dis but . . I’d still bang hah. She’s clever too, which I find very attractive, unless it’s being used against me.

So the wife who’s been kidnapped, bullshitedly, she gets taken out. So does the kidnapper with da hole in his face, after which he’s disposed of in a wood chipper, and I mean . . why didn’t I think of that?! It’s beautiful! And then the husband is caught. which is good for him I guess because now he ain’t in debt no more, and he can’t fuck up anything else. But really . . . two hours of nothing much happening to get to any good stuff is a bigger waste of time than doing a sequel to Casino.

Marco owes me two boxes of Chivas now.


61 thoughts on “Joe Pesci Review: Fargo

  1. Dear Joe,

    I can’t believe you let that guy convince you to watch Fargo. Twice. Well, once, completely, anyway. On the bright side, he coulda got you to watch the series. Can you imagine? There’s three of ’em Mind you, I think the first two seasons of the series were better than the movie. Still, the movie did have Frances McDormand – she does has that special thing – don’t blame ya for contemplating banging her. Ya don’t just do dumb chicks, I’m sure. You’d get bored after awhile.

    Well I sure hope Marco gave you two bottles of Chivas – and not the 26-ouncers, the 40-ouncers. You deserve it.

    Thanks for the great review,

    You can call me Q, Marco does.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thanks for telling it like it is, Joe. I went to see Fargo and after it was over I asked myself, “What was I thinking?” It was like living in the Chicago area all over again with those ND accents. Loved all the characters but come on. Enjoy your Chivas.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Joe
    Thanks for the guest movie review. You tell it like it is! No way I’ll be watching that one again – thanks for the reminder. If Marco doesn’t cough up the Chivas, let me know. I gotcha covered.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is what I needed today. Now I need to go out on my walk and my bike ride and even my yoga later and go full fucking Joe Pesci on all that shit. Maybe with a little less goddamn cursing. Nah, fuck that shit.

    Also, I’ve loved the first three seasons of the TV Fargo, and now I’m on season four with Chris Rock which is coming out weekly now, and is fan-fucking-tastic. More Pesci. Maybe a Piscopo as Sinatra?

    Liked by 1 person

      • Ya, sure, ya betcha, Joe. I’m a doin alright, yanno? Stayin’ outta trouble with Johnny Law, amirite? No worries on your new catch-phrase I coined just for your fucking short Italian ass. Fuggedhaboudit! Marco’s got some good taste, you should listen to that cat, man. Ha! I said cat man. Like Batman, but only he’s a pussycat. Meow, bitch! Joe Pesci, wadda stand up guy. I need to see you in that Scorcese pictyah. Waddya Irish now, Joe alluva sudden? What’s the mattah witchu? Alright, watch out for that Rona. Not that waitress from Atlantic City, the virus. Alright, then, say he to that Marco pussycat for me.

        Liked by 1 person

        • The Irishman was a really different kind of role for me, yanno? I didn’t go around stabbing guys in da troat in dis one. I had guys who did it for me. Tell ya what, I’m getting pretty efficient in my advancing age!

          And how’d you know about Rona the waitress? She does have a sister if you’re innerested.

          I’ll make sure to say hi to that pussycat for ya, pal.

          Liked by 1 person

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