I like crime. Movies, in da movies. Yanno, my career is proof that crime pays . . . in da movies. So when Marco asked me if I would be innerested in doing a review of Fargo, I told the stuttering prick to kiss my ass. Of fucking course I would be innerested! And then I asked him what in the fuck Fargo was about. He says it’s one of the greatest movies, like ever. I betcha he’s one of dose guys who says every fucking thing is the best thing ever. But okay, I ain’t sleeping much so what the fuck.
Fifteen minutes into this shit pancake, I found something that puts me to sleep. I woke up just in time for the closing credits so I called Marco and asked him if he thought he was a wise guy. But the asshole insisted I go back and watch the rest of dis flick and if I made it to the end without trowing up my brain, he’d send me a bottle of Chivas. I told the cheap bastid if he made it a box, I was in. Deal.
So okay . . what inspired me to waste almost two hours of my life when I ain’t got two hours to waste? Other than Chivas? I have no idea. But I did it and lemme tell ya . . . I would rather have been given a Sriracha enema. There’s more action going on in a retirement community than there is in this movie, which is based on a true story. Which just goes to prove how boring life really is for most people.
Da plot goes like dis. Some asshole is trying to get out of debt so he arranges for his wife to be ‘kidnapped’ so that he can get his rich father in law to pay the ransom to cover his debt. My Uncle Sal tried that with my Aunt Rosemary . . we still laugh about it. So da plot as they say in da classy books, goes awry. During the exchange, the father in law gets shot by the fake kidnapper but he ends up shooting him in the face before croaking. So now the fake kidnapper has da money but he’s also got a hole in his face that napkins ain’t gonna fix. And then he finds out that the asshole who planned the whole thing was trying to schtup him and his partner by lying about the ransom amount. Needless to say this changes everything.
Meanwhile, this pregnant chick who happens to be a cop is starting to figure out that the husband of this supposedly kidnapped woman is fulla shit. She’s by far the most inneresting character, because she’s still working even though she’s about ta go inta labor. And not only that, but she’s got a certain something about her that, God forgive me for saying dis but . . I’d still bang hah. She’s clever too, which I find very attractive, unless it’s being used against me.
So the wife who’s been kidnapped, bullshitedly, she gets taken out. So does the kidnapper with da hole in his face, after which he’s disposed of in a wood chipper, and I mean . . why didn’t I think of that?! It’s beautiful! And then the husband is caught. which is good for him I guess because now he ain’t in debt no more, and he can’t fuck up anything else. But really . . . two hours of nothing much happening to get to any good stuff is a bigger waste of time than doing a sequel to Casino.
Marco owes me two boxes of Chivas now.
Dear Joe,
I can’t believe you let that guy convince you to watch Fargo. Twice. Well, once, completely, anyway. On the bright side, he coulda got you to watch the series. Can you imagine? There’s three of ’em Mind you, I think the first two seasons of the series were better than the movie. Still, the movie did have Frances McDormand – she does has that special thing – don’t blame ya for contemplating banging her. Ya don’t just do dumb chicks, I’m sure. You’d get bored after awhile.
Well I sure hope Marco gave you two bottles of Chivas – and not the 26-ouncers, the 40-ouncers. You deserve it.
Thanks for the great review,
You can call me Q, Marco does.
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Q
I like da name. 😉
Twice! The jerkoff thinks he knows movies, what da fuck? Tree series? Fugheddabout!
Yeah, that Frances chick is tops in my book. Never mind da funny accent, I mean, she can’t help that.
This guy . . . I might have to treaten to bust one of his kneecaps. He STILL hasn’t delivered on the Chivas!
You are most welcome, it has been a pleasure to deliver a review. For you. For him . . well, I gotta find that Louisville Slugger.
You can call me . . anytime.
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You can thank your buddy Marco for the nickname.
Ya -three. Call yourself warned 😉
Ya like the quirky babes. That’s cool. That accent is something else. I heard tell she doesn’t sound like that all the time.
Get outta here! I’ll see if I can nudge him for ya.
Be nice to him. I kinda like him.
And I will 😉
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Dat guy is really something, I’ll tell ya.
Sunuva . . .
I haven’t hoid ya yet but I’m sure it’s gonna be a good time when I do.
Bastid.
He grows on ya, but he’s still a bastid.
You’re a classy chick, you know that?
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That he is.
I kid you not. But Billy Bob is in the first and the second one was good with Ted Danson and that chick I bet you dig, Kirsten Dunst. But the third one? Fuggedaboutit – great actors, shitty story.
I’m working on him!
He does. He has his moments.
I try 😉
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I like that Billy Bob guy a lot. He’s a wackadoo and you never know what he might be up to, which makes him a good gangster in my book.
You work on that bastid. Otherwise I might have to find that Louisiville Slugger.
Oh, you do honey.
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He is a wackadoo and he’s all over the place in roles he takes. So maybe the first season won’t kill you dead. But I’d think about it.
I will, don’t you fear.
You’re way sweeter than they say, yanno that?
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I’m gonna check it out, tanks.
I ain’t fearing nuthin. You Canadian chicks don’t play!
Why tank you. Yanno, Billy Bats didn’t think so, and well . . things didn’t end so well for dat guy so I’m glad someone around here thinks I’m an okay fella. A good fella . .
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Would I steer you wrong, Joe? Plus, it’ not like sitting for a whole two hours in one shot… mind you, each episode is an hour or so. maybe not.
We do. We just play hard.
You are definitely a good fella.. Didja get your Chivas X 2 yet? He promised…
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Not a chance! Canada is our friend.
I’ll check it out, and my Chivas just arrived yesterday so maybe this weekend . . .
That a girl!
He came though, the stuttering prick.
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Cool. And you got that right – we are your friend!
Excellent! Told you I’d get him to deliver.
You know it!
I knew he would.
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It’s good to have friends who treat you with respect, believe me I know.
You Canadians really get things done.
Hey, you mind if I give ya a MUAH!?
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It is. So ya got one up here, Joe.
We really do.
Hell no, I don’t mind! And here… MWAH! to you!
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I appreciate that, Canadian chick.
I believe it.
You’re really good people.
MUAH!
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Noice.
You should.
I am.
MWAH!
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MUAH!
And Salud!
And MUAH!
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MWAH!
Salute!
MWAH!
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😗
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😚
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hahah. I agree with you Joe! The acting is great but the movie isn’t worth the cost of a snowflake.
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I like dat! Can I use it?
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Consider it my gift to you. I would be honoured.
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Tank you!
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Thanks for telling it like it is, Joe. I went to see Fargo and after it was over I asked myself, “What was I thinking?” It was like living in the Chicago area all over again with those ND accents. Loved all the characters but come on. Enjoy your Chivas.
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And the stupid thing doesn’t even take place in Fargo after all that, Boss! What da fuck?!
Chicago huh? You know a guy named Eddie? They call him Eddie Four Fingers on account of da fact he gets one of his fingers snipped every time he squelches on a bet. As you can probably tell, he’s unlucky.
When he gets it to me, I will.
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I knew Eddie when he was called Eddie Full House. I guess that was before his luck ran out. Good talking to you Joe and I do want to say you scared me poopless in Goodfellas. (You think that’s funny?) 😬
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Yeah . . . that’s going back some now.
It was my pleasure to do so. See? Why don’t more people treat me with this kind of respect? Marco keeps me around because I amuse him!
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And he might be a little nervious about telling you not to let the screen door hit ya.
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No kidding.
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Hey!
Ef U!
I like dat movie. Big Buscemi crush.
Still, yadid a fab review!
(this is fun!)
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Yo Resa!
Whatchou talking bout?! You Canadian chicks ain’t just easy on da eyes . . you’re crazy too! I like it!
Hey Resa,
Marco here. I LOVE Fargo . . no matter what Joe says. Must have watched it more times than I care to admit . . .
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I’ve watched it 4.73549153949 times.
Put that in yo hat and calculat!
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That’s three more times than Marco!
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Not much is better than a Joe Pesci movie review. I’m with Joe – the hell with that movie. Ok – if I had a choice I would watch it over an endless stream of Trump speeches.
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Yanno, Frank . . I think me and you could be one helluva team. I was looking to uh . . break into the market in your neck of the woods and I need the brains to go along with my baseball bats . . .
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Joe – you might be onto something. From what I’ve heard, you are very skilled in sarcasm – and me not knowing jack-crap about it – we could be amazingly fantastic.
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Yeah, yanno Marco doesn’t even know what the word means. I said sarcasm and he looked at me like I had two horses heads.
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I not only know the feeling, but I also understand that about Marco. You may not know, he and I have discussed that topic many times – and in all case, both of us end up dumbfounded. However, I wonder what the one called Q would have to say about anything and everything.
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Oh I know it!
And that Q chick . . yeah, she has a Masters degree in da stuff.
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Yep – overwhelming. Hard to understand her something. Then again, sarcasm is genetic in Canada.
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I heard they’re the biggest importers of da stuff.
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PS: She has a way of sensing when Marc and I take about sarcasm. Just so you know.
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I noticed dat too. 😉
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Joe
Thanks for the guest movie review. You tell it like it is! No way I’ll be watching that one again – thanks for the reminder. If Marco doesn’t cough up the Chivas, let me know. I gotcha covered.
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Yanno something? You’se guys is alright. Marco has quite a gang here.
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Yanno, Joe…this is what some peoples call a “quirky” movie…and definitely warrants Chivas to be able to properly appreciate it. 🥃 🥃 🥃
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It WAS quirky, that’s a great way of looking at it Monika. It doesn’t change my mind about it, but that is a great way of looking at it.
Chivas always wins in the end.
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Yup, Chivas for the win!
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You know how to have fun!
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Heh, heh. I just like to win. 😉
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That’s how it’s done! 😉
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‘She’s clever too, which I find very attractive, unless it’s being used against me.’ Brilliant line, my man. Wee fucker Joe fucking swears like fuck, eh? Cheers
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I knows of what I speak, my man.
Thanks Peter.
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This is what I needed today. Now I need to go out on my walk and my bike ride and even my yoga later and go full fucking Joe Pesci on all that shit. Maybe with a little less goddamn cursing. Nah, fuck that shit.
Also, I’ve loved the first three seasons of the TV Fargo, and now I’m on season four with Chris Rock which is coming out weekly now, and is fan-fucking-tastic. More Pesci. Maybe a Piscopo as Sinatra?
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A Dude,
How ya doing? Tanks for the appreciation my friend.
Full fucking Joe . . I like dat!
I need to see this Fargo you speak of. Marco swears by it.
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Ya, sure, ya betcha, Joe. I’m a doin alright, yanno? Stayin’ outta trouble with Johnny Law, amirite? No worries on your new catch-phrase I coined just for your fucking short Italian ass. Fuggedhaboudit! Marco’s got some good taste, you should listen to that cat, man. Ha! I said cat man. Like Batman, but only he’s a pussycat. Meow, bitch! Joe Pesci, wadda stand up guy. I need to see you in that Scorcese pictyah. Waddya Irish now, Joe alluva sudden? What’s the mattah witchu? Alright, watch out for that Rona. Not that waitress from Atlantic City, the virus. Alright, then, say he to that Marco pussycat for me.
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The Irishman was a really different kind of role for me, yanno? I didn’t go around stabbing guys in da troat in dis one. I had guys who did it for me. Tell ya what, I’m getting pretty efficient in my advancing age!
And how’d you know about Rona the waitress? She does have a sister if you’re innerested.
I’ll make sure to say hi to that pussycat for ya, pal.
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Tanks, Joe. You’re da best, no mattah what anybody else says about chu!
Oh, Rona? I heard about her from one of the Rrhea twins. I’m not sure which, Día or Gona. Sometimes it’s both at the same time! Ya know what I’m talking about? Fuggedhaboudit!
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Yanno, I appreciate dat.
Dose chicks are wackadoo. Don’t believe half of what they says, and don’t believe the other half either.
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You got dat right! Screw dem gals! (Well, not Gona.). I could listen to you wax poetical and all that happy horseshit for a long time, Joe.
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You’re alright, you know dat?
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