A Cult Above

Shelter Island Estate - Montana, United States - Private Islands for Sale

Remember the good old days when Michael Stipe spit-balled the end of days into a rock and roll beer song as we divested one stock and invested in another whilst bitching about all that disposable income we were smoking? This was in a time before commercial airliners crashed into our little cocoon. We thought Trump was smug and harmless and Joe Paterno was a saint and Bill Cosby was the father we really wanted.

All this time later, here we are . . . a disheveled, dispirited reckoning that keeps spiraling into an Edvard Munch pit. So Imma call my backup plan into active duty. Because as much as I want to hope and dream again, now that an adult will be inhabiting the White House again . . I’m still concerned about our long term forecast.

Thus, my backup plan.

I’m going to become a cult leader and move to Montana. I realize that any cult boss worth his Sambuca goes to Texas, but I have exes in Texas and none in Montana. That I know of. Also, the proximity to Calgary allows us to siphon their oil reserves if need be, because as Americans it’s our God given right to order out. We’re also close enough to the Dakotas that we can hide out there if the Federalis decide to shut down our little enterprise. And we’re half a day’s drive from the Pacific in the event the zombies get to stepping.

Montana is picturesque and roomy. It also happens to be where former Bulls and Lakers coach Phil Jackson lives, so the Zen Master can hook us up with some medicinal herbs seeing as how cult life is all about siestas and corn chips.

In my compound, the rules will be simple.

  • Everyone is equal, unless you’re a Red Sox fan.
  • No prayer services. Sunday is for football, drinking and junk food cheat day. Any or all, your choice.
  • Wearing of political slogans is strictly prohibited. If you want to speak on your political opinions, you’re free to do so. But don’t behave like a billboard . . . you’re a human being.
  • Cursing is encouraged. New and creative combinations are always welcome.
  • No children. If you’re under the age of twenty one, you ain’t in my compound.
  • Spaghetti (and meatballs) Tuesdays will take place every Wednesday. Wine fountain included.
  • Turntables and vinyl are the preferred music delivery system.
  • Saturdays are drinking and a movie nights. So is every other night of the week.
  • Those found guilty of stealing will be dealt with severely. They will be forced to do the shopping at Costco.
  • Kool Aid is prohibited.
  • No cable.
  • Beer on tap. No . . I mean it will be on tap in every residence. You get your hot and cold water and your beer tap. No baths allowed unless you plan on drinking it all.
  • We will construct and maintain an old school library.
  • No assault weapons allowed. Black market weapons, however? Abso-fucking-lutely. And we keep this arsenal a well guarded secret since the ATF frowns on cults with arsenals.
  • And speaking of the ATF, we send them Omaha Steaks and liquor monthly.
  • You can worship any God you wish. Jeff Bridges equals bonus points.

As the leader of this cult, I will not have multiple wives. I know that’s what cult leaders are expected to do, because its supposed to signify power. But having been married, I can assure you . . this is an incorrect assumption. Furthermore, married people will have to undergo an extensive psychological evaluation before being accepted into the cult in order to ensure they pose no physical threat. Pets are welcomed. Actually, they are more welcomed than humans. If you harm one of our animals, you will be fired. As in . . . tossed in a bonfire.

My idea is still in its infancy but I expect to have it game time ready by the fall of 2022. Which is when the world should be kicking the tires on its new normal ride and all the stress fractures endured inside this forgettable year will either be healing, or cracking wide open. If it’s the latter, then you’ll find me Pink Floyding my way through the genesis of a manmade apocalypse. I’ll be the one in the robe and cowboy hat.

In order to gain entry, the password will be cannoli.

113 thoughts on “A Cult Above

  1. Cannoli, my man. Please count me in. I want to be the old guy who everyone thinks is harmless. The activity schedule looks like it is right in my wheelhouse. Do we have any clothing optional days? I won’t be bringing much, and I would like to do the laundry once in a while. This sounds like summer camp to me. Thanks for the invite. I wouldn’t miss it.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. B,

    Why do those days seen so very long ago?

    Montana is not a bad place to hole up and create your cult home base (I’ll let the Calgary oil comment slide) Not too hot and not too cold and we can always take up fly fishing…

    Your rules sound perfectly reasonable to me (I’d up the age to 25 but can accept 21). I guess the black market weapons might be necessary against federales, zombies and Red Sox fans.

    Yes, do ensure the marrieds are open to … well open.

    Should you need any help with the building of this here cult of yours, count me in. I got all sorts of skillz.

    Poifect tune, of course!


    Liked by 3 people

    • Q,

      God, they really do seem like a million years ago, don’t they? You know how they show a picture of a President going into office compared to what he looks like when leaving and he always looks so much older? Welp, in the last four years Trump hasn’t really aged but WE have.

      I’m sure the Calgary peeps will oblige our need for some oil in a pinch. We can work out some sort of fair trade agreement with them. And yeah, Montana really is a great deal if you’re looking to stay away from all that fray.

      Fly fishing is so frustrating, however . . with all the time in the world? Worth it.

      I was figuring on the drinking age. And let’s face it, in a pinch the kids are the ones who got any tech business covered. Twenty one gives us anywhere from five to ten years of their services before they have kids, after which they have to hit the road.

      They certainly have a place. Unless they’re Italian. And before anyone goes and calls me a bigot, I’m Italian . . I knows of what I speak.

      You’re the Head Chef/Activities Director/Counselor/Photographer/Keeper of Records and of course Trade Negotiator. As well as any other titles you wish to have. I get to be the Leader for the first two years after which there will be an open (and totally honest) election, so you can even run for Grand Poobah.

      Haha! I loved those guys. I wonder whatever happened to them.


      Liked by 1 person

      • They really do! And yeah. Proof positive that his four years was a huge joke. on his part.

        They might. I’m sure if they are offered regular visitation rights.

        It is, but when you have no where to go and all day to get there… and a frosty side to keep you refreshed? Not so bad.

        You have a point on that one. Okay, they can stay but the second they try to bring in another generation. Outta here!

        They are a special bunch. They have their own rules so, as a what? One-quarter Italian? You’re allow to draw the line.

        Holy moly! That’s a lot of responsibility. Can I do whatever whenever ifever? And no. I don’t be wanting the Grand Poobah gig.

        Good question… where have they gone?

        Liked by 1 person

        • And we had to live through that horrendously abhorrent punchline. YAY us!

          Right. We are fair as hell.

          Nope. And it’s the perfect drinking activity, which is major points.

          We are fair as hell . . but we are also common sense people who are unwilling to baby sit or be kept up late into the night with colicky babies.

          There is no percentage when it comes to Italian . . or Latin for that matter. If you have some in ya, it takes over the whole damn place right quick.

          I’ll be looking to step down after the first couple years. Maybe Sheriff will want to run. He’d win in a landslide.

          Right? No idea.

          Liked by 1 person

          • No kidding. Well, bright side? It’s over. Well, sort of. Will be. Eventually.

            We are!

            It is. No pressure, really.

            We really are! But hell no… No babysitting. We done done our share!

            Consider me properly educated. There ain’t none in my blood so I didn’t know.

            Of course. I understand. You get it going then reap the benefits while someone else keeps things going. Sherriff would be fab. We’ll vote for him!

            Funny how that happens…

            Liked by 1 person

          • At least the transition is finally in progress. I’m shocked there wasn’t some kind of censure warning in the event he kept this up beyond the official electoral results in December, because it looked as if he was going to take this to the mat there.

            Seriously are. Damn we’re good!

            None. None . . .

            Right. This cult is about having paid those dues and spent those sleepless nights doing our parental duties. This is the other side.

            My Gawdness . . I wish it weren’t so sometimes. But it be so whether I like it or not.

            He’s already got two votes and he ain’t even run yet!

            I know. I’ll have to look em up.


  3. Cannoli! Cannoli! Pssst . . . I know a back way into Alberta! There’s a road high in the Rockies, if I remember correctly. I hope I’m not disqualified because I’m Canadian. And I will play any drinking game going, gladly. This could be fun! The company will be amazing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Pam,

      This is why I can do this Montana compound. Because I got my peeps all over the map who can pave the way to Big Sky.

      Are you kidding? Canadians are every bit as welcome. More so than some Americans in fact.

      The drinking games and the company will be second to none.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is sounding mighty tempting. Bourbon tasting nightly – you can count me in. No kids – ditto. No billboards is about right. I’m okay with about whatever anyone wants to hold in their head, but foisting it around? No thanks. Montana’s not too bad, though I’m quite partial to Colorado – and we get longer days. Plus the desert has proven to be a good hidey-hole when necessity arises (unless you’re one of those wackos that shot the deputy in Cortez and stole a water truck – didn’t turn out so good for them).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Booyah! And you’re a historian . . so this group just keeps getting better and better!

      No kids or billboards We’ve arrived at that time in our lives where we deserve to take a step back and breathe.

      I’m not opposed to changing the locale. The rules are pretty much set in stone, but open to addendums if need be.

      As I told Boss, happy hour begins promptly at 5 pm . . . somewhere.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you are onto something! After all, great minds think alike, and wasn’t it the great mind of Frank Zappa who wrote about Montana many years ago?
    “Movin’ to Montana soon
    Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon (yes I am)
    Movin’ to Montana soon
    Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune”.

    cannoli….. but may I have a wine tap, instead of a beer tap?
    Fab Vid!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It sounds like a nice idea… except Asstros fans are allowed and I’m not cool with that. Plus I neeeeed cable to watch re-runs of The Bionic Woman and Lavern&Shirley… plus there’s What’s Happening, Good Times and WKRP … the one in Cincinnati. But I’d miss the beach. But nobody blames you about your Texas decision. Exes. Spaghetti Tuesday’s sounds awesome though. The kids and I will send postcards from the coast!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi sorry less – getting caught up and thanks for giving me the ear worm with George Straight’s– All My Ex’s Live In Texas.
    and I forgot about the Living Color song – I knew it well but not sure I ever paid attention to it

    and laughing at sending the Omaha steaks – you sue toss in so many culture/society nuggets and it flows so well

    Liked by 1 person

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