Remember the good old days when Michael Stipe spit-balled the end of days into a rock and roll beer song as we divested one stock and invested in another whilst bitching about all that disposable income we were smoking? This was in a time before commercial airliners crashed into our little cocoon. We thought Trump was smug and harmless and Joe Paterno was a saint and Bill Cosby was the father we really wanted.
All this time later, here we are . . . a disheveled, dispirited reckoning that keeps spiraling into an Edvard Munch pit. So Imma call my backup plan into active duty. Because as much as I want to hope and dream again, now that an adult will be inhabiting the White House again . . I’m still concerned about our long term forecast.
Thus, my backup plan.
I’m going to become a cult leader and move to Montana. I realize that any cult boss worth his Sambuca goes to Texas, but I have exes in Texas and none in Montana. That I know of. Also, the proximity to Calgary allows us to siphon their oil reserves if need be, because as Americans it’s our God given right to order out. We’re also close enough to the Dakotas that we can hide out there if the Federalis decide to shut down our little enterprise. And we’re half a day’s drive from the Pacific in the event the zombies get to stepping.
Montana is picturesque and roomy. It also happens to be where former Bulls and Lakers coach Phil Jackson lives, so the Zen Master can hook us up with some medicinal herbs seeing as how cult life is all about siestas and corn chips.
In my compound, the rules will be simple.
- Everyone is equal, unless you’re a Red Sox fan.
- No prayer services. Sunday is for football, drinking and junk food cheat day. Any or all, your choice.
- Wearing of political slogans is strictly prohibited. If you want to speak on your political opinions, you’re free to do so. But don’t behave like a billboard . . . you’re a human being.
- Cursing is encouraged. New and creative combinations are always welcome.
- No children. If you’re under the age of twenty one, you ain’t in my compound.
- Spaghetti (and meatballs) Tuesdays will take place every Wednesday. Wine fountain included.
- Turntables and vinyl are the preferred music delivery system.
- Saturdays are drinking and a movie nights. So is every other night of the week.
- Those found guilty of stealing will be dealt with severely. They will be forced to do the shopping at Costco.
- Kool Aid is prohibited.
- No cable.
- Beer on tap. No . . I mean it will be on tap in every residence. You get your hot and cold water and your beer tap. No baths allowed unless you plan on drinking it all.
- We will construct and maintain an old school library.
- No assault weapons allowed. Black market weapons, however? Abso-fucking-lutely. And we keep this arsenal a well guarded secret since the ATF frowns on cults with arsenals.
- And speaking of the ATF, we send them Omaha Steaks and liquor monthly.
- You can worship any God you wish. Jeff Bridges equals bonus points.
As the leader of this cult, I will not have multiple wives. I know that’s what cult leaders are expected to do, because its supposed to signify power. But having been married, I can assure you . . this is an incorrect assumption. Furthermore, married people will have to undergo an extensive psychological evaluation before being accepted into the cult in order to ensure they pose no physical threat. Pets are welcomed. Actually, they are more welcomed than humans. If you harm one of our animals, you will be fired. As in . . . tossed in a bonfire.
My idea is still in its infancy but I expect to have it game time ready by the fall of 2022. Which is when the world should be kicking the tires on its new normal ride and all the stress fractures endured inside this forgettable year will either be healing, or cracking wide open. If it’s the latter, then you’ll find me Pink Floyding my way through the genesis of a manmade apocalypse. I’ll be the one in the robe and cowboy hat.
In order to gain entry, the password will be cannoli.
Cannoli, my man. Please count me in. I want to be the old guy who everyone thinks is harmless. The activity schedule looks like it is right in my wheelhouse. Do we have any clothing optional days? I won’t be bringing much, and I would like to do the laundry once in a while. This sounds like summer camp to me. Thanks for the invite. I wouldn’t miss it.
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Sheriff,
I don’t know about the clothing optional days but I’m sure I can broker an agreement whereby there is a part of our island where the naked truth can do its thing for those who wish to let it all hang out. It is, after all, a democracy I’m looking to foster. A real deal one. Not some mythical slice of Orwell.
Summer camp for adults. Perhaps our time has come to figure out how to make that utopia happen. We deserve it.
You better be making the trip, padnah.
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I’ll be there,
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You’re in charge, Boss
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No, you are the cult leader. I don’t want to lead, just follow. (No kool aid though)
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No kool aid. But the bourbon will be going down rather smoothly.
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Gotta figure out how to get barrels of the stuff.
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On it!
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John … you have the perfect cover.
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Where’s the ba dum boom!!!?
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https://tinyurl.com/yzpwdtd
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There it is!
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😂
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P.S. I can’t believe I’m the first to comment. That never happens. Must be a sign.
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This is the sign I’ve been waiting for. And it didn’t even require an adult beverage!
Imma start compound hunting . . . .
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Good idea. 😁
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You and me will have a club for bourbon aficionados. All meetings begin promptly at 5 pm . . . somewhere.
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There you go. I would also like to join the gin club. Here’s the way I see it. Martini before dinner, wine with, bourbon after with cohibas.
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Hey, there is no wrong answer here.
And your timeline is pure genius. I KNEW you were going to nail this.
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I forgot to add coffee till noon then beer till 5:00
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This is why you’re the Sheriff
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😁
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Can I apply to be vice cult leader?
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Absolutely. We have elections, so while I will be the leader, it might eventually turn into me being the founder with others taking the top spot.
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I’m in. But when you say vote, are you and I the only ones voting?
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Oh heavens no. There will be a village, so to speak.
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✅
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Relax LA …. I’m not running because I’m an idea guy.
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The idea guys never run for office. Not as profitable and too many sleepless nights, 😉
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I smell chief of staff….
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Too bossy role for me
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What role you thinking?
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I’m more chief advisor type
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Uh oh . . . I mean, that’s perfect Frank!
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👍
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We don’t really do press conferences, but if you wish to speak, I’m sure we can find an audience.
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Could be a perfect place the cannoli line.
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Yanno . . you really fit the chief advisor role to a tee.
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Thank you, kind sir …. oh wait … How do we address or call the leader of the cult?
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Hmmm. Kahuna? Jefe Latte? Oh wait I got it! Covfefe!
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The last one is better than my idea … OhMJFio
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LOL. That one has to be in the running.
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https://tinyurl.com/289fh9d
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That’s so funny that you send this because I signed off with a Yee Haw last night, LOL
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Awesome … now for your morning. https://tinyurl.com/cnkautj
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Of course you did . . . LOL
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… and for the approaching tomorrow. https://tinyurl.com/3888bt2
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“And now Cincy steps up to bat. As a pinch hitter in this series of comments, he’s batting 1.000 . . . and the pitch. Hit high and deep, Cincy is going tooooo touch ’em all!”
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😀 😀 😀 https://tinyurl.com/33okwg4
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More cowbell!
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… and better answer to the previous https://tinyurl.com/y4deevnl
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That scene ALWAYS gives me goosebumps.
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Tears me up every time.
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I feel that
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Isn’t “I have exes in Texas” a country song? If not, it should be and you’re just the guy to write it:).
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CK,
It sure is. And if it hadn’t been written already, I might have had to put pen to paper and quench my thirst on those lyrics. George Strait was a most underrated fella. I mean, anyone who can opine on their love gone wrong songs by talking about how transcendental meditation can take him there . . that’s just pure genius if you ask me.
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I couldn’t agree more😉
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HAHAHAHA…yes, no love or equality for Red Socks, New England or Tampa Bay fans. Yeah I actually did say that…and mean it…a pox on all 3 teams.
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Monika,
No Tompa Bay. No TB 12. No Sawx, Bruins, Celtics, Patriots or Belichick. And while I’m sure I could go further, it’s that Massachusetts mob I am most interested in keeping out. They’re bad news.
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✅✅✅
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We want to maintain a civil society, after all.
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Right. Absolutely.
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And having just learned that our pal Tom threw the game clinching INT in a loss last night . . . this exchange is that much more satisfying.
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Did you read Shannon Sharpe’s rebuking tweet of the golden boy this morning. Oh. My. Thought it was pretty spot on. Tommy’s behavior underscores why so many people loathe him.
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I just looked it up when you mentioned it. And Sharpe has a point, as I’ve never thought about it before, but TB is a sore loser, isn’t he.
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Sore loser and a whiner. Sounds like his White House buddy doesn’t he?
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I’m glad he went elsewhere, so when he doesn’t win . . it’s all about him, with no shared blame as per his old coach.
TB and 45?
They’re made for each other.
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Most definitely. I began to really loathe him after he knocked up Bridget Moynihan and then dumped her. Truly a swell guy.
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Well . . when he gets knocked out in wildcard weekend, he’ll have plenty of time to eat avocado ice cream.
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Hope springs eternal. 🤞🏻
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Go Any Team But Tampa!
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Amen.
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B,
Why do those days seen so very long ago?
Montana is not a bad place to hole up and create your cult home base (I’ll let the Calgary oil comment slide) Not too hot and not too cold and we can always take up fly fishing…
Your rules sound perfectly reasonable to me (I’d up the age to 25 but can accept 21). I guess the black market weapons might be necessary against federales, zombies and Red Sox fans.
Yes, do ensure the marrieds are open to … well open.
Should you need any help with the building of this here cult of yours, count me in. I got all sorts of skillz.
Poifect tune, of course!
Q
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Q,
God, they really do seem like a million years ago, don’t they? You know how they show a picture of a President going into office compared to what he looks like when leaving and he always looks so much older? Welp, in the last four years Trump hasn’t really aged but WE have.
I’m sure the Calgary peeps will oblige our need for some oil in a pinch. We can work out some sort of fair trade agreement with them. And yeah, Montana really is a great deal if you’re looking to stay away from all that fray.
Fly fishing is so frustrating, however . . with all the time in the world? Worth it.
I was figuring on the drinking age. And let’s face it, in a pinch the kids are the ones who got any tech business covered. Twenty one gives us anywhere from five to ten years of their services before they have kids, after which they have to hit the road.
They certainly have a place. Unless they’re Italian. And before anyone goes and calls me a bigot, I’m Italian . . I knows of what I speak.
You’re the Head Chef/Activities Director/Counselor/Photographer/Keeper of Records and of course Trade Negotiator. As well as any other titles you wish to have. I get to be the Leader for the first two years after which there will be an open (and totally honest) election, so you can even run for Grand Poobah.
Haha! I loved those guys. I wonder whatever happened to them.
B
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They really do! And yeah. Proof positive that his four years was a huge joke. on his part.
They might. I’m sure if they are offered regular visitation rights.
It is, but when you have no where to go and all day to get there… and a frosty side to keep you refreshed? Not so bad.
You have a point on that one. Okay, they can stay but the second they try to bring in another generation. Outta here!
They are a special bunch. They have their own rules so, as a what? One-quarter Italian? You’re allow to draw the line.
Holy moly! That’s a lot of responsibility. Can I do whatever whenever ifever? And no. I don’t be wanting the Grand Poobah gig.
Good question… where have they gone?
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And we had to live through that horrendously abhorrent punchline. YAY us!
Right. We are fair as hell.
Nope. And it’s the perfect drinking activity, which is major points.
We are fair as hell . . but we are also common sense people who are unwilling to baby sit or be kept up late into the night with colicky babies.
There is no percentage when it comes to Italian . . or Latin for that matter. If you have some in ya, it takes over the whole damn place right quick.
I’ll be looking to step down after the first couple years. Maybe Sheriff will want to run. He’d win in a landslide.
Right? No idea.
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No kidding. Well, bright side? It’s over. Well, sort of. Will be. Eventually.
We are!
It is. No pressure, really.
We really are! But hell no… No babysitting. We done done our share!
Consider me properly educated. There ain’t none in my blood so I didn’t know.
Of course. I understand. You get it going then reap the benefits while someone else keeps things going. Sherriff would be fab. We’ll vote for him!
Funny how that happens…
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At least the transition is finally in progress. I’m shocked there wasn’t some kind of censure warning in the event he kept this up beyond the official electoral results in December, because it looked as if he was going to take this to the mat there.
Seriously are. Damn we’re good!
None. None . . .
Right. This cult is about having paid those dues and spent those sleepless nights doing our parental duties. This is the other side.
My Gawdness . . I wish it weren’t so sometimes. But it be so whether I like it or not.
He’s already got two votes and he ain’t even run yet!
I know. I’ll have to look em up.
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Cannoli! Cannoli! Pssst . . . I know a back way into Alberta! There’s a road high in the Rockies, if I remember correctly. I hope I’m not disqualified because I’m Canadian. And I will play any drinking game going, gladly. This could be fun! The company will be amazing.
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Pam,
This is why I can do this Montana compound. Because I got my peeps all over the map who can pave the way to Big Sky.
Are you kidding? Canadians are every bit as welcome. More so than some Americans in fact.
The drinking games and the company will be second to none.
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Cannoli is the magic word … but is one a cannolus?
Can we have Cincinnati Chili once a month? Can we swear that Michael J Fox was born in Ohio?
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LOL. “Frank will be appearing in the Big Sky Lounge all this month!!!”
Yes and of course! We’ll even invite Michael J in for a visit. That way we can brief him on the what’s what on our way back from the airport.
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Is sarcasm allowed? If so, will there be courses for those lacking the skill?
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That’s what our Canadian friends will be able to cover for us. Good thing they’re patient, because we’re true novices . . .
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Kind of like a pinch hitter … they are there to jump in when needed or called upon … therefore always being ready for the call at any given moment.
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And when they revolt and create an uprising, it truly is a pleasant experience.
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A perfectly rational explanation.
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So diplomatic . . .
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Them’s is fight’n words! Said a Canadian . . . Do you want to see his Birth Certificate?
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Uh oh . . . Frank? Watch out . . our friends to the North do not take kindly to the Michael J talk . . .
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This is sounding mighty tempting. Bourbon tasting nightly – you can count me in. No kids – ditto. No billboards is about right. I’m okay with about whatever anyone wants to hold in their head, but foisting it around? No thanks. Montana’s not too bad, though I’m quite partial to Colorado – and we get longer days. Plus the desert has proven to be a good hidey-hole when necessity arises (unless you’re one of those wackos that shot the deputy in Cortez and stole a water truck – didn’t turn out so good for them).
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Booyah! And you’re a historian . . so this group just keeps getting better and better!
No kids or billboards We’ve arrived at that time in our lives where we deserve to take a step back and breathe.
I’m not opposed to changing the locale. The rules are pretty much set in stone, but open to addendums if need be.
As I told Boss, happy hour begins promptly at 5 pm . . . somewhere.
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I’m all in as soon as the compound is gun-free.
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How about we have a sister cult? 😉
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I’m in. Where do I sign all my worldly possessions over to you?
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We ain’t gonna have any room for the worldly possessions where we are going. You must leave those behind. And remember to bring the cannoli.
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Oh, I got your cannoli.
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Ba Da Boom!
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A flawless plan, my good man. Let me know if you need an altar boy for unexpected ceremonies, rituals etc
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I know a guy in Govanhill . . .
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Ha ha. Cheers
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Salud
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I think you are onto something! After all, great minds think alike, and wasn’t it the great mind of Frank Zappa who wrote about Montana many years ago?
“Movin’ to Montana soon
Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon (yes I am)
Movin’ to Montana soon
Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune”.
cannoli….. but may I have a wine tap, instead of a beer tap?
Fab Vid!
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Resa, you’re a genius. Coming up with this slice of Zappa from my post . . I mean, that is some serious genius right there. And I love it!
Yes, of course. We will have options. 🙂
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Love that Zappa tune! One of my faves.
Oboy a wine tap! Finally!!!!
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Me too.
It will be the place to be!
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It sounds like a nice idea… except Asstros fans are allowed and I’m not cool with that. Plus I neeeeed cable to watch re-runs of The Bionic Woman and Lavern&Shirley… plus there’s What’s Happening, Good Times and WKRP … the one in Cincinnati. But I’d miss the beach. But nobody blames you about your Texas decision. Exes. Spaghetti Tuesday’s sounds awesome though. The kids and I will send postcards from the coast!
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Okay, what if I got them to renounce the baseball Satan before being allowed to enter the cult? And okay . . certain cult members (you) can have cable.
As for the beach, what if the big one hits and you guys are forced to move inland? Would Montana maybe look a little better then?
Spaghetti AND meatball Tuesdays. 🙂
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The Big One hitting the scales plus Spaghetti AND meatballs … well then that’s a definite possibility 🙂
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I will make it happen. 😁
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Hi sorry less – getting caught up and thanks for giving me the ear worm with George Straight’s– All My Ex’s Live In Texas.
and I forgot about the Living Color song – I knew it well but not sure I ever paid attention to it
—
and laughing at sending the Omaha steaks – you sue toss in so many culture/society nuggets and it flows so well
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If you have to chase it with something else, I’m sure old George will offer up a nice selection. 😉
I loved that band back in the day.
It’s the least I can do . . . a few steaks monthly, for the ATF. LOL
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😊
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