North vs Mouth

“We are 75 million strong!”

It was the squeal of a Trump supporter, who was fashioned in the clownish ethos of a fat brimmed red hat that has become the new abnormal. He stood outside a federal building spewing words with the bad English of a snub nosed revolver, each participle killing Shakespeare all over again. And while I know his intent was to scare me, us . . . anybody who’s not down with high-jacking the Constitution, I was thoroughly unimpressed. I regard them as parasitical dipping dots with ’70’s haircuts, soulless eyes and a mindset stuck in the turn of the century. The 11th century.

I constructed a profile for the mole rat while considering his facile declaration, and then I came up with a nickname for the treasonous taco lab- Eggs Benedict. He possessed an oversized chassis that was underwritten by restaurants with drive-thru technology, so I figured him to be on four different prescription meds as a result. He was obviously a ladies man who had broken a lot of cousins hearts while working his way through Drivers Ed. A well read gent, he feasted on the classics; from Amazing Spider Man and Captain America to Archie Comics. His favorite quote was probably something like “Wherever I go, I’m home,” and his RV? Proved it.

But really, I didn’t come here today to bury the overgrown sandbag. I simply have a problem with his contention that there are seventy five million Trump Warriors set to do battle if posh gives way to shove it. And while I would love to call him out in real time, I’m sure he would be a tad bemused if I said I had a problem with his math. Especially since he considers math to be the gross smelling stuff his toothless brother cooks up in his double wide.

So Imma dish here on WordPress, with peeps whose IQ’s are well north of the Mason/Dixon, by calling out this 75 million troops claim as fake news. And here’s why . . .

The total number of people who went in a voting booth and came out dumber wasn’t 75 million, it was 74,222,958 votes. That’s more than three quarters of a million voters less than these Trumpists are claiming. Hey, after the way they tried painting a decisive Biden victory into a Chucky Cheese caricature, I’m not giving these ass-hats a single vote more.

So he’s already wrong, but wait . . there’s less!

Of the 74,222,958 Trump voters, a nice chunk of that gain from his 2016 numbers came as the result of the very same non-traditional voting that he was positing as fraudulent- early voting and absentee ballots. More than 100 million people voted this way, the majority of whom voted for Biden.

Say Trump only scored 25 million of those votes, that brings the “75 Million Trump Warriors!” number down under 50 now. Reason being, these peeps couldn’t even make it to the polls. How they gonna fight a civil war?

But wait, you say. By that reasoning, there are 75 million democrats who wouldn’t fight a civil war either. Welp, here’s the difference. Democrats didn’t show up because of the pandemic, so voting off site made sense. Republicans have assured us they don’t give a fuck about the pandemic, which means they were in no shape to get out to vote in the first place. And not for nothing, but most of the democrats who did vote in the non-traditional manner are young. And they’re going to be mighty pissed off if gaming and social media are taken away from them as the result of a civil war. And they’ll recruit their non-voter friends so they can get this shit over with as quickly as possible.

So now we have 49 million Trump warriors and let’s say 30 million of those voters are male, between the ages of thirty and forty-five. I’ll bet you half of that number look like my pal Eggs Benedict. Sorry, but all the firepower in the world ain’t gonna help if you have to schlep it without fuel and the meds to stave off the heart altering effects of said fuel.

We’re down to 35 million Trump warriors now, and maybe 20 million of those voters are women. Take away half of that number, because those are the Trump ladies who believe that a woman’s place is in the home. Or on Nope.

So we have 25 million Trump warriors left. And eighty percent of that total is going to fold their cards, lest they lose everything they’ve worked for, because that’s what will happen when society goes buh-bye.

5 million Trump warriors would be left standing in this entirely hypothetical scenario. And before they get the chance to yell “Charge!”, our friends from Mexico will be more than happy to throw down with the Trumpists. As will our friends up in Canada, who weren’t quite so kind in their judgements of the last guy in office here in the states. So yeah, they have five million and well . . we have the rest.

So when all is said and done, you’ll have a couple dozen assholes standing outside the White House with signs and bullhorns, trashing Biden and making plans for lunch. If you happen to be walking by and you spot a portly looking fellow in a red hat, could you do me a solid?

Tell Eggs Benedict I said hi.


54 thoughts on “North vs Mouth

  1. I think your analysis is spot on.

    There are a bunch of Trumpers, in the thousands, maybe the tens of thousands, who talk tough on-line. Some of them showed up on 1/6. But the vast majority of them will do nothing more than whimper in their parents’ basement, while continuing to spout nonsense behind the anonymity of the internet.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well done, Pilgrim. I hope from the deepest part of my heart that this is the last time you feel you have to address the likes of Eggs Benedict or the orange one. The sad part is these people do not speak for a majority of those who voted for Trump. You can ask why that majority voted for Trump but beyond that question, part of healing this country is to recognize that they did, and then moving on. I sincerely hope all these imbeciles you mention go back to the woods or wherever they live. We now are heading into the Biden administration and I’m sure there will be tons to write about the great social experiment later.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Loved your “parasitical dipping dots” reference. I splurted water over my keyboard! Your pal, Eggs Benedict and his ilk seem to have ignored the 81,283,485 that were cast for Biden. Dang-nabbit…facts getting in the way of MAGA logic.All I can say is “20 hours and counting.” Tick tock.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. B,

    So much to comment on! Your intro, your description of the Eggs Benedict. Oh my goodness. It’s hilarious while being scary-real. “Broken a lot of cousins’ hearts while working his way through Drivers’ Ed”… I just realised I could quote the whole damn thing so I’ll stop there.

    I’m thinking, you ever feel like giving up the Guests and becoming a numbers man? You’ll definitely succeed. Broken down as you have, with their so-called power being dwindled down to a couple dozen assholes sounds just about right.

    Brilliant writing. Smart, witty, funny, insightful… I could go on 🙂


    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      Eggs is all scrambled. A big mess is what he is.

      Haha! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you profile a Trump rally. Just look for the lowest common denominator and welp . .you’re there.

      It changed quickaly, didn’t it? That 75 million number is bullshit, from the get. Voters, sure, but nut bags willing to upend society. Nope not close.

      And besides, like I always say. We DO have the rest.



      Liked by 1 person

      • A big mushy, gross mess.

        Exackery! Keep to basest of the base, the lowest of the low and voilà!

        It really did. Nothing like using REAL numbers to show the true story. And right. Nutbags who can wreak a lot of havoc but in the end will crawl back into their swamps.

        Yes. ALL the rest!


        Liked by 1 person

  5. Way too many Eggy B’s where I live. Math-avoiding (and science-avoiding) bullies and cowards, all of ’em.

    It makes my heart do a happy dance knowing that the (relatively few) Twarriors truly stupid enough to make war against their country are being arrested and charged with conspiracy, sedition and other federal crimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have a clench of them in the outer reaches. The more densely populated areas, as where I live are either more middle of the road or democrats.

      They need to be taught a lesson. Same for anyone who decides its a good idea to play Twarrior (I like that) in the future.


  6. Damn … I didn’t realize that this was about the former baseball player.

    I thought about doing my retro of this fading presidency, but not sure if I want to … you know, getting the guy out of office is more important – then just move on. Oh – noon tomorrow – my bubbly is already cold.

    Liked by 1 person

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